Very upset at girl instead of boy.. please help me see sense

[Dad2be111]

First pregnancy and we just found today it's going to be a girl. I'm so blessed that she's going to be healthy and that is amazing news. We're also so lucky to be having a child. I'm sensitive to the fact that so many people want healthy children but can't have them. For this I'm truly humbled and thankful and embarrassed to be making this post. BUT for some reason (and TOTALLY a surprise to me) I was (and still am) hit very hard emotionally that it's going to be a girl.

It breaks my heart that I feel like this - I really don't want to! - and that it's upsetting my poor lovely wife (understandable the stupid way I'm reacting) but I really can't help it; it's like a torrent of utter sadness that is drowning me. The exciting spark of the pregnancy for me has gone. I've zero interest in the scan pics, in getting the room ready, in anything at all> so different to what I've been like so far :(

Trying to unpick why it is I feel like this I can only think that it's because as a boy I suppose I just imagine a little me or any child related to me to be a boy. Rationally of course I always knew it'd be 49:51 but deep down I think this didn't register. I was hoping he'd play rugby for my country or football for my town (silly I know). Perhaps as I was several years older than my brother and really miss playing with him as a baby/child and teaching him the ropes of growing up I thought I could do the same. Or perhaps as I went to a boys' school and then at uni dated girls who inevitably broke my heart sequentially so I can't relate to girls (don't have a sister). I relate very well to males indeed but not women (although I love my wife and mum - no other women though). I just don't know what it is but I always imagined having a boy and NOT having a boy is a kick in the teeth. But furthermore having a little female human who I just don't understand is so disappointing. Plus the fear that a boy's life will be easy but if a girl isn't good looking in this society life is so much harder. (I'm not a looker myself so can't guarantee she will be). But I may of course be wrong with this.

My wife tells me I can still play footy with her but it's not the same - that just makes it so much worse for me. The last thing I'd want is to force boyhood on the poor girl just because I wanted a boy. Of course I won't restrict what she does but I don't want to be forcing things onto the poor little cutie.

It's really crushing me and I hope I'll change but I'm hoping someone can say something to make me feel better please :( I hate that this is upsetting my lovely wife and she can see it no matter how hard I try to hide it :(

Sorry but you need to get a grip and fast. You're going to ruin this pregnancy for your wife.

I 'just' have boys. My XH only wanted girls, he even told them that this year (they're mid to late teens) so that went down well. Mine don't play football and they spend more time on their hair than I do on mine.

You're going to feel like the biggest idiot going when you hold her for the first time.

I actually think this is one of the downsides of finding out the sex before the birth

I don't. I am delighted that I accidentally found out DS2 was a boy before he was born as there was not a single negative thought or "oh" feeling when he was born because I had dealt with it.

I so badly wanted a boy. I got a girl. And my god, now that she's here I think, how could it ever have been any other way? She is so much more than gender. I love her as a person, I love the very bones of her. She's incredible.

And you will feel the same. Because children are wonderful.

My DH wanted a boy when I was first pregnant - he's a typical man's man, not into female company generally, likes football etc. You get the picture. He also has a son from his first marriage. 7 years and TWO little girls later and be would tell anyone who will listen how great it is to have daughters. You will love it....and you will fall in love with her.

Fair enough to have hopes and dreams. You may still have a boy. Park that idea for the time being.

You're having a girl. Outside your experience - and that makes it so much more exciting! You will marvel next year at how you feel now, and how it's possible to love something so tiny so much. Fear not, op.

Sorry, is this mumsnet? How different the responses are to the usual vitriol hissed at women who dare to post like this.

Your daughter will be the making of you. You just don't know it yet.

Don't pigeonhole activities into gender based, one of the best mini rugby players I've know used to turn up in her sparkly skirts and tops with pretty shoes before changing into her kit and flattening all the boys on the opposing team who were too busy watching her with awe.

A baby is always a blessing and when she is here you will feel the bond grow.

I used to think that my children (when I had them) would be some kind of 50/50 "blend" of me and dh. But when they came along, I realised they were their own person.

After I had my scan of my second child, I drove home in tears. It was a boy and I did not want a boy! I wanted all girls. I drove home rubbing my tummy and telling my unborn child it would be alright. I felt awful not wanting him before he was even born.

I can tell you 21 years later that that young boy I did not want is the light of my life. You really do get to love your child as soon as they are born and as others have said, the grief and disappointment you feel now is REAL but it does disappear once the baby is born. Trust me.

I was shocked to find ds1 was a boy. No wedding dress shopping or pretty clothes or hair to plait. I didn't think we'd have anything to talk about or bond over.
It has been a blessing really. No more repeating of the dysfunction down the female line in my family. I have found out and learnt things I wouldn't have if he was a girl. It will be the same for you. You'll know lots of things you will never realise you didn't know growing up male.
You need to let go of what you thought it would be and see it for the joy of what it will be.

I always dreamed of having a little girl..From when I found out I was pregnant I was convinced my DC was a boy and he was... I did have to move my head space..Having a child of the opposite sex can feel a little out of your depth..However..Firstly.. I think you need to get your head into gear for your DW..She is carrying this baby. She needs your support.

Talk to DW how she sees the nursery, Fake it to a degree if you have too..Once a baby arrives there are no gender differences at first except boys are more likely to wee on you...

As my Ds got older the great thing is it is not a repeat of my own childhood..He is a very different child however I think if I had a girl I would think the same.

I have 2 dc of the same gender. They couldn't be more different. They look different, like different foods, one is a night owl, the other up with the lark, one an amazing swimmer, the other fab at tennis. One is naturally mischievous, one desperate to do things right. And so on!

This is because their personalities are not related to their genitalia. They are people, individuals, as your child will be.

This is why it is better not to find out the sex before birth if you have a gender preference. When your baby is born you love it and any gender disappointment goes within seconds (usually). At a scan the whole thing is much more abstract and you get situations like the op...

OP here:

Thank you SOOOO much for your lovely, encouraging, sensitive and helpful replies. I'm shocked to see only less than a handful of insensitive unhelpful ones among an ocean of caring thoughtful lovely responses. I think I spend too much time on male dominated forums where belligerence, rudeness and trolling are the norm so this experience alone (I'm guessing more of a female percentage than I'm used to) tells me that I'll be utterly blessed to have another female in my household, if my forum experience alone is anything to go by!

Just reading through this thread is extremely therapeutic for me and is helping me battle my emotions and ideas such that I sincerely am growing to love the idea of a daughter and more importantly than anything else am there to support my lovely wife in this stressful time. (I shouldn't really even be thinking much about myself I know). I've read (and re-read) and appreciated every word of every post thank you - not practical to thank you all individually.

Bless you all and thanks again for your comments and feel free to keep them coming. They're very helpful and you're all awesome.

A final note to anyone who may be offended: I meant no offence at all. I call all babies "cutie" regardless of gender just because they're all small and cute! And once again I feel utterly embarrassed to be making such a post when I know so many are struggling to have a healthy child. My sympathies, apologies, thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is trying. And apologies for being pathetic and not having a grip. It wasn't easy for me to admit all this and I'm trying to "man up", whatever that means.

Nice work OP

I also think my best advice to any parent of a newborn, mum or dad, is keep your head down and get through it! It can be incredibly tough physically and emotionally and adding you how you feel on a minute by minute basis into the mix just makes it all feel even tougher (I don't include PND type issues in this of course).

I just mean: don't expect to feel overwhelming love, don't expect to understand everything immediately about this new baby, don't expect to have this incredible bond on day one. Everyone is new to the situation, everyone is going through a massive learning curve - and learning who your new baby is is just one part of that. It's a slow process.

What will happen anyway, boy or girl, is that you will have moments of feeling all at sea, lost, confused, tired, frustrated, as you learn how to parent this little thing. Inevitably contrasting those feelings with the idealised feelings you pictured about cheering on your idealised perfect child on the football pitch as he scores the winning goal will lead to disappointment and a feeling of failure. Neither of those states - the lost feeling or the idealised feeling is permanent or particularly meaningful over the long term. So don't ascribe too much significance to either, focus on getting through and helping your wife through and the next time you have time to think about how you are feeling, you will be happily in love with your new baby and wondering why it was all such a drama!

So you know what, after that last post I'm absolutely sure you will be an awesome dad, boy or girl.

Take a bit of time to readjust. Look into rugbytots :) and enjoy your beautiful daughter when she arrives.

We all worry about the future for our children. I guarantee you'd worry just as much but about different things if you'd been told you're having a boy.

Good luck

It'll all be fine, Dad. well done for winning over the vipers

This reaffirms my experience that most women want a daughter, and most men want a son. Most that is, not all. In fact, there is a wealth of research to show that men are far more likely to leave the family home when the offspring are solely female.
I wanted a daughter , I got two sons. Friends recounted stories of 2 and 3 year old boys who painted their nails and played with dolls, great, but it doesn't last. Girls can most certainly play football, but in all my years of watching with my boys I have only ever come across only a handful of girls.
I love the bones of my DC and I am very lucky to have them, but IME gender differences for the most part do hold true, particularly as they grow. Despite being very lucky to have two healthy children that feeling of "what if" never really goes away.
Having said all that, I was always far closer to my dad than my mum.

You know she's going to be amazing and you're going to love the socks off her!

Hey OP, she can still play for your country, and actually, aren't women's teams doing better than the male England teams in general? Assuming you are in England.
Don't change a thing of what you dream of doing with your child, it's a child, not yet completely defined by hormones. Play trains, cars, football, she will thank you for it.

OP, I've never admitted this to anyone in real life, but secretly, I wanted a boy. I told everyone else that I didn't mind. I got a girl.

Strange thing is, though, I never felt disappointed. There she was, this beautiful tiny child. I didn't think much about her gender in those early weeks and months. In the ten years that followed, though, I have lost count of how many times I have felt glad that she was a girl, for many, many different reasons. I feel so lucky.

Perhaps I'd have felt the same if she was a boy, I'll never know. The point is, whatever you think you want now will become irrelevant later. She will be your child and you will love her. :)

When I found out at 22 weeks that DS2 was a boy I seceretly sobbed that evening as the picture in my head of my daughter dissolved away. I wish I hadn't found out the sex beforehand because I know had I been presented with my baby after I gave birth I wouldn't have given a tiny rats ass what was between its legs.

As it was I almost lost DS2 at 30 weeks and at that moment I felt so ashamed of my feelings even though I was able to understand why I felt them.

I wasn't disappointed that I was having another boy. How could I be? DS1 is fucking awesome, who wouldn't want another one of him! No, it was that I was crushed that I would never have a daughter.

So I had to imagine a different picture. And I can tell you absolutely that life with two boys is unbelievably amazing. And it is exactly the same with girls.

The moment you see her, her genitalia will be the last thing in your mind. Instead you will be utterly overwhelmed that you and your wife created anything so perfect. And then she will grab your little finger and at that point you will be firmly wrapped around hers.

The feelings will pass, we promise. And as everyone on this thread has said, you will be a great dad. Enjoy the privilege

Lots of people have gender disappointment. I was desperate for my second to be a girl so I understand it.

But I think you need to start thinking about the following things eith regard to having a baby

first, once this child is born you will love it more than you thought possible and you won't care what it is. Remember this now and don't express regrets now that you certainly won't feel later.

Second, I don't want to be a downer or harsh here but there is no guarantee that your child is healthy because you had a good scan. once you have a child you join the ranks of those who have a constant hostage to fortune. Gender or interest in rugby or playing for the county is all gravy. The worries you will really have will be very different. So don't be smug - oh I have a healthy baby, bummer it isn't a boy. No you have what you hope is a healthy baby and like all parents you will be on tenderhooks for the rest of your life trying to ensure this baby's health and happiness. Gender will be the least of your worries.

Third, Your child is not a newer version of you - he/she is a unique irreplacable person who is utterly different to you. you could have 11 boys and none of them might want to play rugby or even if they did might not want to play for the county. To be honest, I think it is better your first is a girl because this might get rid of some of your expectations. If she was a girl you'd be all gung-ho with the rugby dream and if that doesn't fit your son's strengths, then it could be very painful for him.

I have 3 children in their teens. Like you at one point I thought they would have similar interests and passions and strengths to dh and me. Not really as it happens - but they are amazingly interesting as themselves.

I also thought that because I was given a perfect healthy baby at birth (lucky us) that we had dodged the bullets - no, it doesn't work like that.

Having a baby means not focusing on yourself but becoming wrapped up in the wonder of a new person. Imagine - your wife and you have, simply by falling for each other, created a new person who would not be here otherwise. My teens were actually talking about this in the car today - that they exist because of me and dh meeting and falling for each other. How can the exciting spark of the pregnancy be gone just because this new person is one gender rather than another?

My friend, Let me tell you, daughters are jewels in your crown. I have two daughters and two sons. I love each one differently, not more or less, just differently. I'm intensely proud of my sons and what they've achieved, but daughters are on a whole different plane. Sons are for mums, daughters are for dads. And how they adore their dads, and twist him round their little finger! You've decades of joy and pleasure, and grief, ahead of you, you lucky man!