Very upset at girl instead of boy.. please help me see sense

[Dad2be111]

First pregnancy and we just found today it's going to be a girl. I'm so blessed that she's going to be healthy and that is amazing news. We're also so lucky to be having a child. I'm sensitive to the fact that so many people want healthy children but can't have them. For this I'm truly humbled and thankful and embarrassed to be making this post. BUT for some reason (and TOTALLY a surprise to me) I was (and still am) hit very hard emotionally that it's going to be a girl.

It breaks my heart that I feel like this - I really don't want to! - and that it's upsetting my poor lovely wife (understandable the stupid way I'm reacting) but I really can't help it; it's like a torrent of utter sadness that is drowning me. The exciting spark of the pregnancy for me has gone. I've zero interest in the scan pics, in getting the room ready, in anything at all> so different to what I've been like so far :(

Trying to unpick why it is I feel like this I can only think that it's because as a boy I suppose I just imagine a little me or any child related to me to be a boy. Rationally of course I always knew it'd be 49:51 but deep down I think this didn't register. I was hoping he'd play rugby for my country or football for my town (silly I know). Perhaps as I was several years older than my brother and really miss playing with him as a baby/child and teaching him the ropes of growing up I thought I could do the same. Or perhaps as I went to a boys' school and then at uni dated girls who inevitably broke my heart sequentially so I can't relate to girls (don't have a sister). I relate very well to males indeed but not women (although I love my wife and mum - no other women though). I just don't know what it is but I always imagined having a boy and NOT having a boy is a kick in the teeth. But furthermore having a little female human who I just don't understand is so disappointing. Plus the fear that a boy's life will be easy but if a girl isn't good looking in this society life is so much harder. (I'm not a looker myself so can't guarantee she will be). But I may of course be wrong with this.

My wife tells me I can still play footy with her but it's not the same - that just makes it so much worse for me. The last thing I'd want is to force boyhood on the poor girl just because I wanted a boy. Of course I won't restrict what she does but I don't want to be forcing things onto the poor little cutie.

It's really crushing me and I hope I'll change but I'm hoping someone can say something to make me feel better please :( I hate that this is upsetting my lovely wife and she can see it no matter how hard I try to hide it :(

"Maybe you are lucky that your first baby is a girl, because it will teach you to take your cues from your child, rather than have fixed expectations of what a boy or a girl should be like."

This!

I also wondered if you have any nieces, or any close friends with daughters? If so maybe you and your DW could spend a day/afternoon with them? You obviously won't have the same bond that you will with your own DD but it might help to give you a bit of a taste of what having a DD might be like? (Although your DD's personality will of course be different to one degree or another.)

A side note. This is one of the reasons I dislike single sex schools. I think it's an unnatural environment that doesn't adequately prepare young people for life and relationships in the real world. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone who's been to a single sex school, but there are some who will find it affects their personal and professional relationships.

I have a baby girl. I don't think of her as a girl or a boy. She's just a baby who needs me and her dad to love and take care of her. Whatever personality she grows into will be her own; whatever interests she has will be hers too. Making assumptions about your child's interests before they're even born isn't always the best way to go...

My DD's first words were "Buutball! Goal! Daddy!". And even now, at 25 that sums her up. She is an excellent sportswoman, she has represented her county at swimming, her region in triathlon and often accompanies her dad to football latches. DS hated all sports for many years and loves birds, wildlife and photography but has recently grown to like football, rugby and F1. DD and DH spend a lot of time together as do DS and I as we have similar interests.

Or football matches even.

We felt a bit the same until this old neighbour said: I'm sorry to hear that never mind, the next one will be a boy. I was so indignant on my DD's behalf that I determined there and then to be over the moon about having a DD, then my other neighbour told me that a daughter is for life and a son is until he gets a wife (which is true of my brothers and BIL's). I have one of each now and if I were to have a third I'd hope for a girl but be thrilled with a healthy baby. It is apparently normal to mourn what you thought you were having so don't apologise but do know that you will love your baby because she is your baby and it's that simple.

tbh, most kids are the same. Playing football with your daughter or encouraging her in sport is not forcing boyhood on her. If you had a son he might not be into any of those things. My daughter is far more active and boisterous than either of my sons. I think this is good for you. It will challenge some of your internal biases. A lot of parents secretly have a preference for either a boy or girl, but its to do with some imaginary vision that rarely comes true anyway. Youve obviously had a hard time with women in the past, but thats got nothing to do with your precious daughter. You need to just get over it and pretty quickly really, because your wife is pregnant and vulnerable and needs you, and so does your daughter

My husband and I have been trying for 8 years to have a baby together. 8 years. You are being hugely unreasonable and ungrateful.

fieldfare I'm sorry about your situation but to be fair to the OP he did say that he's aware of how lucky they are to be expecting a baby and a healthy one at that. He can't help his gut reaction even if he knows he's being unreasonable.

I recently had a carpenter/handyman on the premises for a week, he was as big 7 rugged as they come, man's man sort of guy, also a part-time farmer who put in several hours on the harvest each evening after a full day of manual labor.

ALL he could talk about was his 2.5-year-old daughter, who apparently is the most intelligent, most perceptive, most beautiful and winning child on earth. :) He spends a great deal of time showing her nature lore, for example they were watching a caterpillar spin a chrysalis in a jar and planning the release of the butterfly; he showed me photos of her on his tractor with him, told me about the books he reads to her every night and otherwise is besotted with this child.

Oh, he also has a 7-month-old son whom he mentioned lovingly but in passing. I bet he was the sort of man who always wanted a bevy of boy children until he got his little daughter. Keep that in mind, OP.

I've never understood gender disappointment but I know you're certainly not alone in having it.

I think It comes down to the fact that you have very fixed ideas about what boys and girls are like. Personally I think this is doing them a disservice. Children are so different and left to their own devices (I.e. before they've had a chance to be influenced heavily by society, family advertising etc) they are really very similar.

Lots of boys don't enjoy sports. Lots of girls do. It has nothing to do with their genitals. My baby dd is 14 months and she's loved watching and trying to play foot ball since she was tiny. Your girl might too, or she might not. But your boy equally may have not been interested in it. There's a lot of pressure in society for boys to play football and for girls to not. It really isn't an inbuilt thing.

Btw I'm absolutely crap at sports and have no interest in them; nor do any of my brothers.

You are not getting

'A girl'

You are getting a little individual.

My three girls are all very different and the youngest never stops kicking a ball about.

Don't burden your little person with all that girly shite. Develop her interests share some of yours and build a relationship. Same as you would with a boy.

And congratulations- girls are ace.

I would say with almost total certainty that you will love her the instant you see her.

There is something amazing about girls and their dads, in the unique way only matched by that of boys and mums, girls and mums, and boys and dads No other relationship like it, gender doesn't matter.

I felt similar when DS was a boy. We didn't find out what we were having so I sobbed through the second half of my CS.
Now 3 year on, I adore him. He is my world. I love the boyishness of him and wouldn't swap him for a girl for anything.
We are done at one, so I'll never have a girl but I have 2 friends with 4 boys- neither will they so another pregnancy doesn't guarantee anything.
I think just support your wife and tbh, fake it until you make it :) Babies are babies, she won't start acting "girly" until she's 2 or 3 (or ever!) and by then you'll adore her so much you will welcome everything she does. One of my most "manly" (for want of a better word) friends - Scout leader, rugby player- prides himself on his French plaits, his wife can't do them!

Your beliefs about gender roles need a lot of unpicking and sharpish, otherwise you are going to create a lot more trouble in your life. Bet your wife is pretty hacked off with you at the moment. Delusions of Gender is a book that might kick start that process.

Thank you for being honest. Whilst it's disappointing that anyone thinks like you do, it makes me feel less crazy to read that there actually are people out there that see others as not fully formed human beings, with their likes /dislikes and abilities /frailties presumed based only on their genitals. And such prescriptive presumptions too! Your beliefs would be harmful to a son too. Why are you so invested in a particular form of masculinity?

OP, I'll let you into a little secret... women are people too. We're not all the same, each one of us is an individual, just as men are. To assume that you can predict what I'd like or be interested in based on my sex is plain wrong. Your daughter is an individual and has the whole world of possibilities open to her. Having a father who is so irrationally disappointed by her already, just because of her sex, is an awful thing. Please try and work on this, as if she gets any inkling of it growing up it could cause lots of heartache.

If this thread is even real, you need to deal with your stupid outdated notions of gender, sharpish. Or you are in danger of passing them on to whatever offspring you are lucky to have, and that would be a terrible thing for any sons as well as daughters. They deserve to live in the real world, not under your 1950s rock.

'Force boyhood' onto her? Miserable dinosaur. Deal with your issues around gender and grow up.

I've seen plenty of 'gender disappointment' threads from women too.

I can't really relate to it at all unless you are looking forward to dressing girl as princess and boy as footballer and all that tedious shite.

What madwoman said goes for me too. Every word.

Playing football and rugby with your daughter is not forcing boyhood on her. Please let go of this idea that girls and boys are radically different and do/like different things.
I have a ds. People are always saying that boys don't read like girls do. Well my boy does because I read and I model reading and I read with him! So he loves reading because he's like me in that way. Am I forcing girlhood on him?

Babies are much the same whether make or female. Socialisation kicks in pretty early and if you want to have somethings in common. With your daughter then inspire a passion in her for the things you love, even if that's rugby

I think you need to look beyond your stereotypes of what a boy or girl is like. They are all very different personalities. I have four very creative sensitive musical bookish boys and my DS has three football camping archery crazy girls.

What ever your feelings, you must make your DD feel treasured. It's likely your hang ups will pass

I agree with Floppy

I hate the whole princess stuff because imo life isn't about a handsome prince and happy ever after for most people.
I needn't have worried because the lovely little girl we had likes playing football, rugby and is not very ladylike at all.
More at home in jeans and a sweater than a dress or skirt and doesn't want jewellery, ears pierced etc.
She doesn't get on with many other girls as they like 1D or talk about boys and make up, where she prefers music, pool and talking about footy with her Dad.
They are what they are and how you raise them to be, whether we as parents agree with their choices or not, whether we can contain our influence or not.

You'll love your dd for who she is and what she becomes, I promise you.

This happened to a relative of ours recently. Desperate for a boy. Girl on scan - initial response: "Oh!"

Fast forward to her birth - he spent the first 3 weeks crying in joy. Have never seen anyone quite so besotted.

I actually think this is one of the downsides of finding out the sex before the birth. Once the baby arrives, and you've both been through the emotional experience of watching it being born, you're in love, regardless of the sex.

DH really wanted a boy. I wanted a girl first (but was happy for number two to be either). When we had DD, DH loved her straight away while I took a few weeks before I felt more than just the need to care for her. Then when we decided to try for DC2 DH hoped for another girl. DS came along. I loved him straight away. DH wouldn't admit it but DD (who is quite a "girly girl") is definitely still his favourite - although he does enjoy doing sport with DS. But we both love both of them and enjoy their individuality. I would be very surprised if you feel the same as you do now when your DD arrives.