What's the least bad thing to do?

[wellheregoes]

Not going to drip feed or pretend to be anyone else in the scenario- I'm the OW. Have NC obviously. Relationship with Cheating Scumbag (I obviously think he's lovely) for some years and he's now told his DP that it's over. She's known about me almost since the start but they've stayed living together and think they've managed to hide stuff from the kids. Anyway he has now apparently said he wants to move out. DC are 6&9.
None of this is ideal obviously and am fully expecting all of the anger.
My question is about this quote from Daddcares' thread:
And make sure you have a home for them to go to that doesn't contain a woman whose only impact on their young lives has been harmful
We're trying to work out houses and money and I really want to come up with the least harmful option. I realise that's too little too late but I still want to make things as ok as possible. at the moment, DC's mother doesn't feel like she can make any decisions which is fair enough and at any rate it's not her problem.
DP doesn't work. I have a fairly good job as does CS. CS and DP live in lovely house at the moment but struggle to pay for everything on one wage. My house is nice enough and I don't have spare money. Neither of us are spending anything on hols or other luxuries- if we were we would spend it on another house/flat.
Anyway, if the DP and DC to stay in the nice house, no money for renting anywhere else let alone buying. This is CS's preference and he wants to carry on paying for everything in the house so DP can be at home which is what DC are used to. My house is fine but has me in it (see above quote). CS's mother lives close by and is very close to DC.
If you've got this far, what will be the least upsetting option for the DC?
1- sell the main house and buy two smaller ones
2- see father at their mum's house which probably feels really temporary
3- see father at main house and mother goes somewhere else (I hate the idea of her being chucked out of her house for a weekend)
4- see father at OW's house.

Obviously I should butt out of this (and vanish from the face of the earth) but I hate seeing CS so upset and I want to help. He's not really thinking logically and thinks they will be fine with coming to my house as that's what loads of our friends and family have done after a split, but MN is making me think differently.
Thank you for reading this far.

I did offer ultimatums but never managed to follow through on them because am weak and scared. I got to the point where I thought no one else would want me and I wasn't strong enough to be on my own.

No I don't enjoy the non-strings aspect at all. I haven't enjoyed much of this.

What do you think will change if you become exclusive?

It is possible to be a good SM and have a good relationship with his children. Do you want children with your lover?

You say you are not strong enough to be on your own, do you equate being single to being weak?

TB you both sound like pretty weak people.

How long has this affair been going on?

If this is about self esteem then there are ways to fix that without continuing with this "relationship" thing you have at the moment.

I mean, the guy is only leaving now after years of stringing you along and making you second best. How could you possibly gain confidence from that situation?

I know love is supposed to conquer all but Jesus, is this really how you want your life to be? Being promoted from mistress to step-mum because the ménage à trois became too much hassle?

Not at all. I've been very happy on my own in the past.But it takes a bit more strength than I felt like I had at the various points when I tried the ultimatums.

Yes we do want children.

I'm not unusually weak at all but at the moment you're probably right and we both are.

Get rid of him. He's awful. The whole assuming he moves in with you is the most trivial part of his awfulness, but somehow the part that is really speaking to me.

• it's horrible for his children
• it's horrible for his ex

but what about you? has he even asked you whether your home is at his disposal? What are women to him, just home-creating machines that men get to chop and change between at their convenience?

Ugh

No strings sex with a married man is not the same thing as being a live in partner and being a step mother. knowing you were up for the first doesn't allow him to unilaterally convert you to the second. he sounds weak, selfish, greedy and thoughtless.

get rid of him and get some therapy

without you he will be forced to somehow step up to this situation. He may either work out some decent way of being an NRP or he may wheedle his way back in with his old partner. or even find some other mug. but it won't be your problem.

If you had been his priority from the early stages of your relationship, I'm sure he wouldn't have strung you along for all these years.

I can't honestly see there being a happy outcome for anyone involved in this situation.

What do your family and friends make of all this?; surely they have had something to say. His absence at family gatherings; Christmas etc must have raised some questions.

Were you involved with him before he had children? Please be truthful.

Oh dear

Never has "be careful what you wish for" been so horribly brought to life.

What happens if you do have children and things get to much for him at home?

Young babies, sleepless nights, dirty nappies, lack of sex.

The chances of him cheating on you after life becomes mundane are enormous because that's probably why he went off and found you in the first place.

It's such a big risk.

why did you post this on dadsnet and not, for example, on Relationships or divorce/separation ?

My first husband left me for OW when DD was a baby. I think it had been going on for months rather than years, but nonetheless, it was not a situation I wanted to find myself in. It was made worse by the fact that he never took DD to their house and omitted to then mention for a year that DD had a half-sister.

By which point, my anger was more about his lack of responsibility and the way he excluded DD from his life (which has not really changed).

So, from my point of view, the important things are

Contact maintained consistently with DC by their father (his responsibly)
I would suggest that contact is on neutral ground at first but in the fullness of time, the DC have the right to get to know you, as you are part of their father's life, and they have the right to know about any siblings.

I would also say yes, it is a mess. Life can be messy and the way through is not always clear. In any situation like this, one needs to consider the best interests of the children, and these are not always easy to determine.
But equally, they are not your children, so it is up to your DP to take responsibility for this, not you. You are going to learn a lot about your DP through how he handles things from here on.

Self-flagellation is pointless, you are where you are.

Oh, and I would agree you don't have to stay if you don't want to. Don't stay just because you feel like you co-created a mess. Like any r/ship, stay because you want to.

Chilliandmint no the children had both been born before it started

AnyFucker just because of the link to Daddcare's thread which was also in Dadsnet

I honestly don't think he will screw her over

Apart from that minor fucking around behind her back detail!

Nobody is this naive. Now you don't want him because shit got real.

Do yourself and his children a favour and end it now. It has no future. You don't want to be a step mother? Don't fuck a man with kids for years and plan a future with him.

Magick I can't tell you how much therapy I've had

That's not a good endorsement for therapy < makes mental note >

OP, now is the time to hit the Pause button. Maybe even the Stop button, but let's start with Pause.

You are now faced with being a step mother. I imagine you never thought he would actually leave so you never envisaged this. Before he did leave, did he tell you he was going to?

You aren't sure. Tell him that. You need some time. Tell him that. Maybe he and his wife will work it out, maybe not. But he can live at his parents for a while until everyone gets a clearer idea what is going on.

His misses is calling the shots now, hence the " break up". Sorry but it has nowt to do with you. She's had a bellyful of his lies and deceit and has told him to fuck the fuck off.

He's played you both , but she has got enough gumption to know when to call it quits. You OP have been too much of a soft touch.

I'm not calling you a wanton woman, just a bit naïve and a bit too trusting.

He doesn't sound like good potential dad material to me.

I get the "not really knowing what you want" thing. But this is too massive to drift into. It's not a decision to buy one top or another, or rent one flat or another, or even take one job or another. It's a decision with forever impact on those kids. Please think it through.

wellheregoes, , I missed the comment about the therapy - honestly, put yourself first here. What do you want? Your life is not about this man, or what he should do about contact with his DC, it is about you.

FWIW, I actually feel massively sorry for the woman who was OW and is now DD's step mum, because of what I know now about her life both before she came and now.

If anything in the world were possible, would this be what you would choose? Because there is always a choice.

wellheregoes, I think the fundamental thing you are missing here is that the best possible outcome is entirely out of your control. This is about a family that you are not a part of. You are an outsider who has is threatening the family. With the best will in the world, any pressure / influence / action / ANYTHING AT ALL that you bring to bear on this family is a BAD THING. Your job, if you want to do the right thing, is to disappear.

(Separately, this is also the best thing for you.)

You cannot do the right thing here - except to leave them to it. They are going to have to somehow work out a way to co-parent. In the future there may be step- or blended-families - and they will have to work that out too. for now let them (all of them, including or especially the dcs) take it one step at a time and deal with the split, the fall out from the infidelity, setting up two separate homes, and contact arrangements. Let them be. You cannot be a part of this process.

No answers for you but as the wife in a similar situation with a harridan for an OW, thank you for thinking of the children.

What MagickPants says.

LL0015...you're the latest in a long line of us with harridan OW's . While I give the OP her due in attempting to do something "right" in this horrendous situation and while I also don't think she is a harridan, I do wish that these women would think about the pain and anguish they cause before they decide to get involved with a man who to all intents and purposes is unavailable.

I do sometimes wonder with OWs whether there's an element of enjoying the chase or going for forbidden fruit followed by omg, what do I do now when the bloke is found out.

I had an ex 'friend ' who habitually went for married men and successfully wrecked several marriages but, as soon as the man was so-called available, she back-peddled because the novelty was lost.

I think there's a lot of that Nonnainglese but I also think there are many more who enjoy inflicting pain on others. The OW in my case is one of these. She knows that my husband is an unfaithful twat (has indeed had affairs with her on and off throughout our marriage it appears), she knows how he's treated me, I could go on and on. However, she's hung on for dear life because she hates me with a venom and her malice has been breathtaking. She thinks she's got one over on me when actually she's done me the biggest favour of my life. She is stuck with an absolute waste of oxygen. Lucky her!!