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Original poster

What's the least bad thing to do?

74 replies

wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 11:31

Not going to drip feed or pretend to be anyone else in the scenario- I'm the OW. Have NC obviously. Relationship with Cheating Scumbag (I obviously think he's lovely) for some years and he's now told his DP that it's over. She's known about me almost since the start but they've stayed living together and think they've managed to hide stuff from the kids. Anyway he has now apparently said he wants to move out. DC are 6&9.
None of this is ideal obviously and am fully expecting all of the anger.
My question is about this quote from Daddcares' thread:
And make sure you have a home for them to go to that doesn't contain a woman whose only impact on their young lives has been harmful
We're trying to work out houses and money and I really want to come up with the least harmful option. I realise that's too little too late but I still want to make things as ok as possible. at the moment, DC's mother doesn't feel like she can make any decisions which is fair enough and at any rate it's not her problem.
DP doesn't work. I have a fairly good job as does CS. CS and DP live in lovely house at the moment but struggle to pay for everything on one wage. My house is nice enough and I don't have spare money. Neither of us are spending anything on hols or other luxuries- if we were we would spend it on another house/flat.
Anyway, if the DP and DC to stay in the nice house, no money for renting anywhere else let alone buying. This is CS's preference and he wants to carry on paying for everything in the house so DP can be at home which is what DC are used to. My house is fine but has me in it (see above quote). CS's mother lives close by and is very close to DC.
If you've got this far, what will be the least upsetting option for the DC?
1- sell the main house and buy two smaller ones
2- see father at their mum's house which probably feels really temporary
3- see father at main house and mother goes somewhere else (I hate the idea of her being chucked out of her house for a weekend)
4- see father at OW's house.

Obviously I should butt out of this (and vanish from the face of the earth) but I hate seeing CS so upset and I want to help. He's not really thinking logically and thinks they will be fine with coming to my house as that's what loads of our friends and family have done after a split, but MN is making me think differently.
Thank you for reading this far.

OP posts:
Inim · 02/09/2015 14:54

They should stay in the "main house" I.e HER house with her children.
Your dp should have more class than to move out of one woman's home into another.
You should realise that it's nothing to do with you. And maybe don't make any long term commitments with this man because he almost definitely will do the same to you when he gets bored.
Their kids are none of your business, your basically just a random woman to them it would be very unfair to have them come over and have to see their dad playing house with you.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 14:58

Inim thank you for your reply and obviously I agree with most of what you say. It is definitely best that they can stay living where they are but that does mean that there won't be a third house. So what do you think the best thing is?
I'm not trying to make the kids any of my business. I just want to make it the least bad it can be and make sure they can see their dad somewhere they're comfortable. Contact's provisionally agreed 2 nights in week (overnight) and EOW, but not agreed where.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 02/09/2015 14:59

I'd say the dc and their mum should stay where they are. CS can either move in with you or his parents, asssuming they agree and have space, but all visits by the dc with their dad should take place at his parent's place.

That way you can be introduced gradually and in a few months time, rather than BAM! Here's your new SM, who mummy hates... which would be very hard for the dc.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:04

Yes Hirples that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I met so many new SMs that way that I can totally appreciate how crap it is. Don't want to do anything that makes their mum feel any worse as I know how much it will affect them.

Grandparents best option then. That seems good to me. It would be lovely for him to have his own home they could go to but not at the expense of the DC staying in the home they know and love.

OP posts:
winchester1 · 02/09/2015 15:07

Maybe its not done in the UK but I know lots of divorced couples leave the kids in the family home ft and then rent a little place together and the parents swap back and forth. Maybe a room or bedsit if that's all they could afford for now.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/09/2015 15:08

Good luck - you're going to need it. Wine

Dervel · 02/09/2015 15:09

Butt out and let the chips fall where they may. In the grand scheme of things this woman setup with a guy, and stayed at home with the kids on the agreement her husband would gather the resources so she could focus on the children.

In my view his responsibility should be to ensure the status quo is maintained. The kids should stay in the house they grew up in. She should get the house, and start to pick up the pieces of her utterly destroyed life from a place she feels secure in.

That's only my moral/ethical view. I understand legally assets would likely be split she'd be forced to downsize all in order for you and your partner to get what you want.

In any case protect yourself, especially if you choose to have kids with him yourself. Good luck too with silencing that niggling doubt that he may cheat on you too eventually.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:14

Dervel they're not married and house is in his name but he's not interested in arguing about it or moving the kids so selling up would only be an option if he had to have somewhere of his own. He's not worried about dividing assets and they've not got much other than the house. Re the niggling doubts I'll use Hirples wine.

Winchester I love that idea actually but at the moment it seems like there wouldn't be enough co-operation between the two of them and it's also the money of renting somewhere else which is a bloody fortune round here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:16

Oh and I understand legally assets would likely be split she'd be forced to downsize all in order for you and your partner to get what you want. is a bit unfair. I have my own house and no interest in anything from CS or from his DP. CS doesn't want to house sold either. We can both earn some more money- she can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:16

Italic fail.

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 02/09/2015 15:18

What do you want?

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:21

Abe not to make anything any worse than it already is and to be able to think about it without crying would be a reasonable start. I'd like to be able to make up for all this in some way but I can't. He says he won't go on with his relationship with her whatever I do. I wish I could just not be here.

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 02/09/2015 15:23

Call his bluff. Tell him you need some breathing space to think. What he then does will speak volumes.

Pootles2010 · 02/09/2015 15:25

I'd suggest CS moves out, and in with his parents, assuming they'll have him. Children shouldn't come to your house for quite a long time yet.

BastardGoDarkly · 02/09/2015 15:33

What a crappy situation, poor kids.

I'm glad you're trying to find a way to lessen the impact on them, maybe in time it will all be OK, long long road ahead though.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 15:37

I know Bastard I wish none of it had happened, and I'm still not really sure how it did. Not trying to avoid responsibility as I know it was me, it's just all a bit of a blur. Am heartbroken for the kids and this is not what I ever wanted for me either but here we are. Trying not to think about me as it sound so selfish.
Anyway have made my bed and all that.

OP posts:
Inim · 02/09/2015 15:44

Well actually you can get out of your bed, find a non cheating man and have a relationshiprelationship and kids etc without having to worry about them sleeping with the next novelty woman.
Honestly don't have him move in with you, kids aside it's not in your interests either.

Pootles2010 · 02/09/2015 15:46

Yep I really think a bit of time with him living either with mum or in bedsit/shared house is best, let the wife decide what she wants, and let all the Romeo/Juliet bullshit die down, then you'll know what kind of a relationship you really have.

ChilliAndMint · 02/09/2015 16:07

Has she known about you from the start? Do you know that is fact a fact?

Why is he moving out now..has he been " rumbled" ?

My guess is that his wife has given him his marching orders.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 16:44

I do know that she has known about me, yes.

I'm not sure what difference it would make if he's been chucked out? I don't think that would be any better or worse for the kids would it?

OP posts:
Fiddlerontheroof · 02/09/2015 16:53

The least bad thing you can do (as a woman whose husband this this to her after a 5 year affair) is to bugger off and find someone else. My ex married OW, and I have not only had to deal with my marriage ending, but had to endure her involvement with my kids, her imposing her views and morals on them, and commenting on my parenting. Despite her not having any kids of her own. My kids hate her, (of their own accord, not my word) and I hate her and frankly every time she is involved with them it's a reminder of what they did in order to get their own selfish way and the immense struggle I've had to pull it all together and get on with life as a single parent.

Oh, and she thought she was being lovely and kind too....so incredibly misguided...lovely and kind is not sleeping with other peoples husbands in the first place.

And I'm sorry if this is harsh, but if he'd left and then met someone, it would have been far far easier to deal with than having to let my kids be their bridesmaids.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:00

Don't think I've ever claimed to be lovely and kind Fidder least of all on MN. But thank you for sharing your experience.

I wish he'd left before he met me too. Or ideally just not met me. It's all such a mess.

Why did your DD agree to be bridesmaids? Can't they just tell their Dad they hate the OW? I guess that's another thread.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/09/2015 17:00

Really she's been quite foolish to have 2 children with someone without marrying, give up work and not have her name on the house. Even if he's being nice to her now out of guilt, she's fucked long-term.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:02

NoArmani I would normally be the first to say that. I honestly don't think he will screw her over. I hope not anyway. But yes it's a horrible position to be in.

OP posts:
Fiddlerontheroof · 02/09/2015 17:13

Dd's were too young to know what a pair of shit bags they were at the time.....they were engaged before we we're even divorced In an attempt to make their relationship seem better to colleagues....workplace affair.

I know you didn't say you were, but someone pointed out that you seemed to be trying to determine a way to lessen the impact on them, which I interpreted as you trying to be kind.....incidentally....my daughter is still struggling to come to terms with it 4 years later...she was 8 when he left, and I think it's probably one of the worst ages, to young to understand sex and relationships and too old to be shielded from not really knowing something's is happening.

If she's anything like me, she won't want you near her kids for a long time, and if CS is like my ex, he'll ignore her wishes and introduce them from day one and move in with you, which is frankly where a lot of the damage was done. Hopefully you might at least think about it some more.

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