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Original poster

What's the least bad thing to do?

74 replies

wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 11:31

Not going to drip feed or pretend to be anyone else in the scenario- I'm the OW. Have NC obviously. Relationship with Cheating Scumbag (I obviously think he's lovely) for some years and he's now told his DP that it's over. She's known about me almost since the start but they've stayed living together and think they've managed to hide stuff from the kids. Anyway he has now apparently said he wants to move out. DC are 6&9.
None of this is ideal obviously and am fully expecting all of the anger.
My question is about this quote from Daddcares' thread:
And make sure you have a home for them to go to that doesn't contain a woman whose only impact on their young lives has been harmful
We're trying to work out houses and money and I really want to come up with the least harmful option. I realise that's too little too late but I still want to make things as ok as possible. at the moment, DC's mother doesn't feel like she can make any decisions which is fair enough and at any rate it's not her problem.
DP doesn't work. I have a fairly good job as does CS. CS and DP live in lovely house at the moment but struggle to pay for everything on one wage. My house is nice enough and I don't have spare money. Neither of us are spending anything on hols or other luxuries- if we were we would spend it on another house/flat.
Anyway, if the DP and DC to stay in the nice house, no money for renting anywhere else let alone buying. This is CS's preference and he wants to carry on paying for everything in the house so DP can be at home which is what DC are used to. My house is fine but has me in it (see above quote). CS's mother lives close by and is very close to DC.
If you've got this far, what will be the least upsetting option for the DC?
1- sell the main house and buy two smaller ones
2- see father at their mum's house which probably feels really temporary
3- see father at main house and mother goes somewhere else (I hate the idea of her being chucked out of her house for a weekend)
4- see father at OW's house.

Obviously I should butt out of this (and vanish from the face of the earth) but I hate seeing CS so upset and I want to help. He's not really thinking logically and thinks they will be fine with coming to my house as that's what loads of our friends and family have done after a split, but MN is making me think differently.
Thank you for reading this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:18

I agree that 8 is a really hard age, for the reasons you've said.

I am trying to do this in a considered way which is why the thread and my reluctance to have the kids meet me any time soon. CS more impatient and I keep saying that it's not new to him but it is really, really new to them. He's generally just really lost with it all which makes it hard for me to stay out of it but I will.

We don't work together but if I ever get engaged to impress/justify myself to colleagues I hope someone shoots me humanely.

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 02/09/2015 17:21

I'm wondering why he has chosen to leave now and nor earlier?

I would not move this man in with you or have anything to do with his children ( his responsibility) until the dust has settled and they adjust to mom and dad not being together.

I'd be asking myself why she chose to stay with him if she does know all about the affair. Has you lover reassured her that it was all over, or " just sex", or whatever.

If he choses to leave his LTR because things are not working out between them ( which they are clearly not) I would take a stand back and let the parents sort out what they think is best for their dc's. It really isn't any of your concern.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/09/2015 17:21

I honestly don't think he will screw her over

Maybe not now while he's feeling guilty but realistically he's not going to support her financially until she's retirement age

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:26

ChilliandMint sorry I see now! Yes obviously it would make a difference to me but I wasn't thinking from that point of view.

Big step back it is. Am terrible at not getting involved when I think something's not great. Definitely not cut out for step parenting.

OP posts:
Dervel · 02/09/2015 17:27

If I was harsh it's only because I have an inner 8 year old that would desperately to understand why his Daddy left him for some other woman, but never will.

All of this concern for the children now is all very well, but I suspect is more you touching base with your own conscience. Ok you feel bad! Congratulations you are not a sociopath.

I think if you really genuinely cared about the children this would never have happened. In the grand scheme of things you aren't really at fault he is.

It was his commitment to break not yours, and if it was not you it would have been someone else.

Fiddlerontheroof · 02/09/2015 17:32

Oh, and my ex was nice for about 3 weeks because of guilt then when I was understandably rather arsey about now having sole care of two kids, and having to claim benefits, and leave my job and career as I couldn't do it and care for the kids as it was only do able when he lived here childcare wise. And possibly losing my home.... it all went to shit and he's been an arse ever since...don't think he'll feel guilty forever.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:33

Dervel me too with the dad (hi armchair psychologists) and I only took issue with the suggestion that mother would have to sell house so I could have what I want. Re shagging people's partners/dad be as harsh as you like.
Probably not a sociopath, but that is a low point to start at I agree.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 02/09/2015 17:34

Poor children; aged 6 and 9 and he's been having an affair for "some years." And you think he's lovely.

Fiddlerontheroof · 02/09/2015 17:34

And what Dervel said, so much better than I did really

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 02/09/2015 17:35

How much of the concern for the children now is that you don't want to be their step mum? And don't want him to rush it for that reason? And, if that's your worry, can you really see a future with him?
Don't let him move in with you or you'll be stuck with the shit and potentially fuck up the children's lives even more when you realise you don't want to be their step-mum

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 17:36

Foxes I am so scared but not about the responsibility. Does anyone actually want to be a stepmum?

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FoxesSitOnBoxes · 02/09/2015 17:43

I really wouldn't..... But I wouldn't shag a married man for that reason.
i totally commend you for your honesty but think now is the time for you to leave him to sort out his own mess and think about those poor little ones..... And actually think about whether you would be prepared to stay with him long term given that his ex will always be on the scene and you WILL have to be a step-mum

FantasticButtocks · 02/09/2015 17:58

He seems to be assuming he will be living with you, as he is wanting his ex and DCs to stay in the family house when he leaves, but doesn't have the funds for accommodation for himself. Do you want him to live with you?

He and his ex need to work out between them what will work best for their dcs. Beware of wading in with your views on the matter with him, because though you're trying to be helpful, you risk becoming involved in decisions about their dcs, which will not go down well with anyone. Surely he must know better than you what will work for his DCs.

Don't interfere. He may decide that living with you, but seeing dcs at his parents might be a good interim measure until everyone has become more used to the new way of living. Support him by all means in whichever ways you want to, but don't try to take charge of this issue about his dcs contact with him.

Inim · 02/09/2015 18:01

Your not their step mum though, your the woman their dad has been shaging behind their mums back. Really isn't the same thing.
You actually believe that she knew everything and just carried on with him? I'm willing to bet that's bollocks. He told her it was over with you or something like that. He's not a decent man. Decent men don't have affairs for YEARS.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 18:02

Fantastic he is assuming that yes. I don't know what I want and gave up on trying to figure it out years ago. I'm not against him moving in I just don't think he's thought it through when it comes to the DC. I don't want to wade in like I'm the one who knows all about their children, I just want him to think. If he did then I could happily back off. Maybe if I do back off he will. Or maybe I'll go to tesco and come back to find them sat on my sofa crying.

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Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 18:04

Inim I know I'm not their stepmum, just someone upthread asked me if I wanted to be. I've never even met them. I know nothing about them.
I don't believe anyone's irredeemably awful (other than serial killers etc) but yes I can see that he hasn't behaved in a good way.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 02/09/2015 18:10

Ok so he thinks a bit more about it...what conclusions might he come to? What do you want him to do other than what he is doing?

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 18:12

Just to acknowledge that it's not going to be easy for the kids to come to my house to see him. But you're right I don't really know what I can do if he thinks about it and still thinks it's a good idea.
I really don't think I want to do this any more. But here is the only place I can say that.

OP posts:
Solopower1 · 02/09/2015 19:01

So are you looking for a way out of the relationship, and trying to see it as the best thing for your partner and his children? It might be. Whatever you do, don't take them on if you don't want to. Better to leave now than later, ie after they have been introduced to you as their step mum.

Otoh where does that leave you? You don't come out of this smelling of roses, but that might not be important to you. The only thing is that patterns tend to repeat themselves in life, so my advice would be to try and find someone who is not already attached.

MairzyDoats · 02/09/2015 19:04

What do his parents think about it all, would they be happy for him to take the DCs there on a regular basis? Presumably it's a familiar and comfortable setting for them so it will be a good halfway house while they get used to the split. Also your DP has waited this long to leave home, what's another few months in the grand scheme of things? If you're going to spend the rest of your lives together laying the groundwork now for happy future family relations is a really good idea.

FantasticButtocks · 02/09/2015 19:04

It won't be easy, no. but, given the situation as if is now, what is the solution?

Did you want to carry on having a relationship with him as things were, with him still with his partner? Did you not actually want him to leave her? It sounds as though this was not the outcome you wanted from the affair. The fact you were in the affair for years, sounds like maybe the arrangement suited you and you'd have happily carried on like that, but he's moved the goalposts by leaving his partner.

Now, it looks as if he might move in and you might be in that step-mother-who-is-also-the-OW position, and things will may become fraught and difficult. Sounds like this isn't what you wanted.

Original poster
wellheregoes · 02/09/2015 19:30

No this is what I thought I wanted. I think this thread plus the reaction of people IRL is just making me think I've been really naive. Lots of other things going on too so just feeling really overwhelmed but also like o can't really say that because being immoral OW type I have brought all on myself. Good thing I pity myself so much hey.

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FoxesSitOnBoxes · 02/09/2015 19:47

Don't let him move in to yours. This will mean the kids can see him at his new home so he isn't hiding that from them. It also gives you a chance to see where this is going now it's all very real without having him in your house dragging you even further into his messy messy situation
It might work out for you but it might not. It's not the best foundation for a relationship but there are plenty of couples out there who have come from the same place. Just stay well out of it until the dust has settled.
Poor kids. Poor wife. Shitbag husband.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/09/2015 20:38

I have spent the last two years trying to help my children recover from exactly the situation you have imposed on them with your scumbag boyfriend. It's no better now than it was then. I feel so sorry for his wife and children, I know how much pain they are in.

ChilliAndMint · 02/09/2015 20:42

I know that it possible to meet the love of your life when you are in a committed relationship whether it is a happy one or not.

What concerns me is that you have had this affair for some years and it is only now that he has decided to leave.

I have two questions...why did you not offer him an ultimatum years ago and also what were you getting out of this clandestine relationship ?

Were you happy being the OW? Did you enjoy the no strings aspect of this?

Be honest and tell us what you really hoped the outcome would be.