Need a man's point of view

[TheCatCameBackAgain]

I hope you don't mind a woman posting here but I need a man's perspective on this.

I recently found out my husband was involved with a woman he worked with. I actually found a few text messages on his phone about 18 months ago but he assured me she was the one pursuing him and nothing was going on. Then on Sunday I got a Facebook message from this woman saying he had been round her house the previous night and she had been seeing him for 3 years! She told me she wanted him to stay away from her from now on.

I confronted him about it and he admitted he had slept with her a few times a year or so ago, that it was a dreadful mistake and that he regretted it so much.

He said that she had pursued he constantly and that when he refused her advances she kept taunting him, calling him names and saying he must be gay, she would follow him around and eventually she got to him so much that he slept with her. He said he regretted it immediately but then she started blackmailing him, threatening to tell me and tell people at work so stupidly he gave into her again.

He told me she has been hounding him for the last couple of years, and he was ashamed and frightened and didn't know how to get out of the situation. She left work but still kept bothering him and on Saturday he went over to see her to tell her enough was enough as she wouldn't take no on the phone. She said she would tell me, which she did the next day.

He seemed so upset but at the same time he told me he was relieved I knew because he couldn't cope with the situation any more.

So guys, does this sound realistic? Because I can't see how anyone could be so stupid as to get themselves into this situation. He admits he was stupid! He says me and our children mean the world to him and she knew that, which was how she could blackmail him.

What would you have done in this situation?

I just don't know what to do at the moment.

I'm really not understanding this. You were suspicious 18 months ago, she said it went on for 3 years. He said it was because she said nasty things to him. Never have I ever slept with anyone because they were rude to me. I don't think he did either. He had the opportunity to tell you, he chose not to take it, even though she had been threatening to tell you. I don't believe a word he says. I think he is trying and succeeding in getting you to blame her. She did not betray you - he did. Calling her a bitch does not lessen his actions, be angry at you husband.

I am angry with him. I don't think he slept with her because she was rude, as I just said I think she was probably winding him up, teasing him and flinging herself at him. I'm sure he was flattered to start with, got tempted and then realised it was a huge mistake and then she wouldn't leave it alone.

From what I read in those messages she does sound like a bitch and so I am even more angry with her for acting the way she did in pursuing him and throwing herself at him until she got her own way when she knew he was married.

We are trying to work this out so we don't break up our family.

I am female but with the three years element my take is....

They had an affair. He promised to leave you. When he failed to follow through, she turned nasty and threatened to force hos hand.

Oh dear

He's pretty good this bloke isn't he.

He's managed to get you blaming her and feeling sorry for him that he is so "weak willed"

He will do this to you again. When another woman "offers it on a plate", his dick will find itself inexplicably buried in her because he is too weak to resist

What about the lies ? The gaslighting over a long period of time. Is that to be forgiven as just "one of those things that weak men do" ?

What is he going to do to protect himself from "predatory" women that throw themselves at him in the future ?

OP i hope you can both move on from this, however, trusting someone again after the trust has been lost is going to be difficult! I can never understand why people get 'drawn' into having affairs because it always ends in tears, be happy with your partner, you choose them and don't be thinking the grass is greener because it's not!!