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Original poster

Need a man's point of view

30 replies

TheCatCameBackAgain · 21/07/2015 13:19

I hope you don't mind a woman posting here but I need a man's perspective on this.

I recently found out my husband was involved with a woman he worked with. I actually found a few text messages on his phone about 18 months ago but he assured me she was the one pursuing him and nothing was going on. Then on Sunday I got a Facebook message from this woman saying he had been round her house the previous night and she had been seeing him for 3 years! She told me she wanted him to stay away from her from now on.

I confronted him about it and he admitted he had slept with her a few times a year or so ago, that it was a dreadful mistake and that he regretted it so much.

He said that she had pursued he constantly and that when he refused her advances she kept taunting him, calling him names and saying he must be gay, she would follow him around and eventually she got to him so much that he slept with her. He said he regretted it immediately but then she started blackmailing him, threatening to tell me and tell people at work so stupidly he gave into her again.

He told me she has been hounding him for the last couple of years, and he was ashamed and frightened and didn't know how to get out of the situation. She left work but still kept bothering him and on Saturday he went over to see her to tell her enough was enough as she wouldn't take no on the phone. She said she would tell me, which she did the next day.

He seemed so upset but at the same time he told me he was relieved I knew because he couldn't cope with the situation any more.

So guys, does this sound realistic? Because I can't see how anyone could be so stupid as to get themselves into this situation. He admits he was stupid! He says me and our children mean the world to him and she knew that, which was how she could blackmail him.

What would you have done in this situation?

I just don't know what to do at the moment.

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 21/07/2015 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyD · 21/07/2015 20:57

Blackmail is illegal. Insist he goes to the police. Sounds like bullshit to me. Escalating it might make him come clean if it is. It would be illegal of him to lie to them.

Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 21/07/2015 21:58

It does sound like bullshit but I just can't understand why, if he has admitted what happened he would make up a story that makes him sound so weak willed and stupid rather than just saying that it was a mistake.

He used to say all the time how much he hated going into work because some of the people were so nasty.

I just don't know what to believe. He swore to me that this is the truth but I just don't know.

OP posts:
davidla · 23/07/2015 16:16

Ask him for proof of the blackmail. If he can't provide it (for any reason) then assume he's lying.

HotWok · 24/07/2015 12:16

I guess you've got two possible cases:

  1. He's lying an and a cheat, with a terrible imagination.
  2. He's weak willed and makes terrible decisions.

Either way, I can't help thinking the letters, LTB...

Unless he can really change.

HotWok · 24/07/2015 14:51

Looking at this again, I think he might be telling the truth, the excuse is too bad to be made up. Up to you OP how you deal with it.

BreakingDad77 · 07/08/2015 15:43

This sounds a bit far fetched to me, its not that hard to turn down sex tbh. It take a lot of time and investment to carry out an affair.

Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 14/08/2015 14:31

Well we have talked and talked about it and he hasn't wavered from the story no matter how much I cross question him. To be honest he doesn't really have much of an imagination and he really can't be bother to make up excuses about things so maybe it is pretty much how he says.

He says it was just sex, at work, he never took her anywhere or spent any time with her, he didn't care for her in any way. She pretty much offered herself on a plate and he was weak enough to fall for it, then it got out of control with her saying she would tell me if he didn't have sex again.

Anyway he seems really sorry, he admits he was stupid and has now cut all contact with her and she no longer works there. She has not tried to contact me again, in fact she has now blocked me on Facebook.

We are trying to get past this as neither of us wants to break up our family. It will take me a long while to get over it but he knows how wrong he has has been.

Wish us luck!

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 14/08/2015 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 14/08/2015 15:05

Thanks. He certainly does owe me big time, and he knows it too!

OP posts:
travellinglighter · 15/08/2015 14:51

I can’t see it myself.

Other woman “The reason you won’t sleep with is because you’re gay.”

Possible answers.

“No it’s cos

I’m married
committed to my wife
you’re not my type i prefer blondes/brunettes/thinner/fatter/nicer
You’re ugly
smelly
stupid
aggressive.”

I can think of a million way to do it politely or impolitely and if it became an issue then it would be a matter of going to the boss and saying “I’m being harassed.”

He’s sticking to the story because that’s the story he chose and to back out now means he lied when he cheated and then lied to make the cheating seem more acceptable.

You’ve said he’s not very imaginative, anyone with any imagination would have come up with a better story.

TL

Original poster
Thecatcamebackagain · 22/08/2015 19:40

.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 22/08/2015 19:41

I did a bit of sneaking I'm afraid. I did a spotlight search on his phone and found a few deleted messages. It only showed the first line of each message, I couldn't get the whole thing but this is what they said:

"I am going the tell them at the next meeting that you..."
"Your wife must be a man if you don't understand women..."
"I have been waiting for you all day, if you don't..."
"I have typed the message, all I have to do is press send..."
"You are so old and ugly, I can't believe..."

I would love to know the end of those messages.

What do you think guys?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 22/08/2015 20:23

These were from her, I couldn't find any replies.

OP posts:
wasonthelist · 22/08/2015 22:38

I call bullshit too - sorry - not much of a brotherhood response.

OP you sound as if you want to believe him, but it seems a really odd set of circumstances where a bloke allows himself to be bullied into having a go on a woman at their mutual place of work (how is that even possible?) and then has to keep doing it for fear of being grassed. I think I'd struggle to be that turned on and able to perform in those circumstances - he's too weak to say no, but not too weak to manage the deed?

wasonthelist · 22/08/2015 22:38

Sorry - for avoidance of doubt, I am a bloke.

Archy123 · 31/08/2015 09:49

Hi Cat

Having read the messages above, and having had some experience in this sort of thing, I would like to offer the following advice:

The first thing to say is that any guy caught cheating is inevitably going to try and make things sound less bad than they really are. His story should therefore be considered with a cynical eye.

HOWEVER, reading the first lines of the messages you've discovered, it's apparent they do, to some extent, back up some of what your husband has been saying....the woman is clearly a BITCH: the messages are full of insults and threats which suggest he should be (and apparently is ) glad to be shot of her. This is signifanctly better news than finding he had genuine feelings for her.

This all makes me inclined to go with Hotwok's explanation no 2). Your fella is weak-willed and lacked the strength of character to say no to this woman. Of course, he may well have been happy to go along for the ride initially (and, let's be honest, most men would if it was offered to them on a plate) but I think he probably does genuinely regret it now.

Your man sounds a ittle pathetic to me, but you obviously love each other and I think you and the family are way more important to him than this crazy woman. Tell him you forgive him this time, and get on with your marriage as if this never happened. Tell him but there will be no second chances however and he will be shown the door if he ever does it again.

LovelyFriend · 02/09/2015 16:16

He said that she had pursued he constantly and that when he refused her advances she kept taunting him, calling him names and saying he must be gay, she would follow him around and eventually she got to him so much that he slept with her.

If I have understood this correctly he claims he slept with her even though he didn't fancy her or want an affair - but he slept with her so she wouldn't call him gay or other names? So bizarre.

From the first lines of the texts it does sound like she may indeed have been harassing him. But I very much doubt that their initial sexual contact was him hoping to shut down a harasser - it just doesn't make sense.

And I am a woman, but surely it would be difficult to get an maintain an erection with someone you didn't fancy, didn't want to sleep with, especially when you are acting out of fear? (I'm prepared to be corrected on that though).

I think he's fallen for her "charms" a few times, and then when he got the guilts and/or realised she was not what he wanted and/or realised she wanted more out of the relationship than he did and/or realised she was not about to shut up and go away he rewrote history somewhat for the version he told you.

Tell him if this ever happens again he should report the person to HR.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/09/2015 16:31

Another one calling this BS
It sounds to me like they had a fling, she threatened to tell you, he got scared.
Do you have DC's ? Has he ever done anything like this before ?

Solopower1 · 02/09/2015 19:56

Whether it's the truth, the whole truth or anything but the truth, if you want to believe him, believe him.

I think you are very wise to give him another chance. The alternatives are mostly horrible for everyone. Allow him to prove he is worthy of your love and (much more difficult) trust. If you can do it, that would seem to be the best thing, but I hope you have lots of friends who can support you through this.

Good luck.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/09/2015 20:50

He said it was just sex is that a problem for you ? It would be for me, he also lied as he denied it originally. As for the text about the meeting - I thought you said that she had left, so what was the meeting supposed to be ?

PigletJohn · 02/09/2015 21:01

She insulted him so much that he gave in and had sex with her?

Ha bloody ha.

YonicScrewdriver · 03/09/2015 07:19

"let's be honest, most men would if it was offered to them on a plate"

I have more faith in your sex than that, Archie - shame you don't.

I think it's likely it started "normally" then she started harassing him when he wanted to break it off. Good luck for the future anywsy.

Original poster
TheCatCameBackAgain · 03/09/2015 13:33

Archy, she does sound like a complete bitch! I will forgive him but I will never forget what he has done and he will never get a second chance.

redshoeblueshoe, we have 2 children and he has never done anything like this before. All of it is a problem for me, but I guess it's better that he didn't have feelings for her, that would have been worse. I think she was probably bluffing about telling something at a meeting, she wouldn't have been at any meetings or even known when they were.

I don't think I will ever know the whole truth. I do think he has told me the truth but I am sure there are things he hasn't told me too.

The way I see it is that she probably started flirting, teasing etc and initially he was probably flattered by the attention. Then she probably come on ever more strong and did offer it on a plate and in a moment of stupidity he was tempted but then regretted what had happened. I think then she started harassing him and things got out of hand.

I think the way he dealt with it was the most stupid idiotic thing ever but he agrees he was stupid.

Anyway we are now trying to get past it all, I hope I can trust him, he knows he will never get another chance.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 03/09/2015 13:56

It's better that he sleeps with people he doesn't have feeling for? I would find this worse.