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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Used as a baby making machine.

56 replies

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 06:01

Do men actually mind being spermjacked a few days a month while trying to conceive, and then discarded or are we just grateful for the sex??

When me and dw were trying for our second she kept me out of the loop with ovulation and fertility but it was hard not to notice we'd shag like rabbits 5 days a month then very rarely for the next 3 weeks.

I am by no means complaining, more of a general wondering whether it bothers us?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SoMuchForSubtlety · 21/01/2015 08:19

Even in inverted commas the word "jacked" is unpleasant and unnecessary. If you don't want a baby don't have unprotected sex. If you do want a baby then stop implying that your DW is using you.

CuttedUpPear · 21/01/2015 08:23

If you feel unloved, unwanted and rejected now, how do you imagine you will cope when there is a small person in your life whose needs will come before yours 24/7 for years ?

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 08:24

I apologised for my flagrant misuse of the term. I also never implied anything of the sort. Nothing I have said has been cryptic, there is nothing between the lines to read so quit trying to do so. If you are offended im sorry, so either accept it or retire to Pedants Corner.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 08:26

CuttedUpPear - I am already a father and stepfather and have been for many years. Again, nothing cryptic. I said we were allowed to feel rejected, not specifically that I did.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 08:30

You sound like a real catch.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 08:35

As do you, using your judgement based on a few sentences and absolutely nothing more.

OP posts:

uncanny · 21/01/2015 08:44

Do you mean OP that your DW is all like, god I fancy you soo much get over here and then... nothing for three weeks? I can understand you might feel that if she was so up for it why only those tantalisingly brief few days.

Just promise us there isn't a spreadsheet...

Iggly · 21/01/2015 08:47

Actually I can see the OP's point without the need to leap on his turn of phrase and completely ignore what he means.

gatewalker · 21/01/2015 08:49

OP, I think you've posted a legitimate question, and the language you've used is charged, yes, but only because the subject is often very charged between couples ttc.

There's no definitive answer though, is there? So many factors will come into play.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 08:54

Cheers, 2 people get where I'm coming from without arguing semantics. I know its a very broad question, but then there are as many opinions as there are people. Opinions are what I wanted, im not actually ttc atm but I know people who are overwhelmed by it.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 09:06

I'm not the one posting generalisations about my gender, but there to carry on navel gazing.

fieldfare · 21/01/2015 09:11

Is a difficult place to be in for either the man or woman.
Man feels used as he is demanded to 'perform' every day for a week, after which sex goes back to perhaps twice a week for the rest of the cycle. If he doesn't perform then there is frustration and irritation.
Woman feels stressed that they have to have sex every night for a week, whether they both want to or not, there is a goal to be achieved. She can't be too descriptive of her cycle for fear of turning him off and the whole event being a non starter. Then if proceedings don't go as planned there are feelings of frustration, of another chance being missed and disappointment.
Don't even go into the hormone side of things!

We have ttc for 7 years, it's a bloody minefield!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/01/2015 09:23

My DH wanted a baby as much as me so was happy to be more active at the time of month that we were most likely to conceive. If he didn't fancy it at any point then we didn't do it, just like at any other time of the month. Not sure what the issue is here?

gatewalker · 21/01/2015 09:38

I think there comes a point in ttc especially if the situation asks that it be sustained over a significant period of time where both partners can feel that the process takes over and becomes more important. I think both partners have the potential to feel that they are surrendered to a process rather than joined in intimacy.

I think a lot of the discussion around this tends to polarise and make one person 'wrong' or 'right' in comparison with the other. When, really, both people may be having a shitty time of it, and it has nothing to do with the other person, but instead has more to do with feeling driven by something other than the desire to connect. And that drive isn't wrong either. It just is what it is -- and it can be painful, and fraught, and runs the risk of pitting one person against the other, when what is really going on is the pain of wanting a child so badly, and that pain is hard to know what to do with, and so it is thrown out on to the other person.

Your partner can become an easy target, so to speak. I'm not talking about all couples and all instances when ttc. But it does happen. People feel objectified in the name of wanting a baby. And that objectification is projected on to the partner. More alienation, less intimacy.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/01/2015 09:40

Wise post, gate.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 09:48

I was asking whether men thought, while ttc, that sex for recreation, intimacy or being close took a back seat. Or were their partners military about only having sex when there was a chance of getting pregnant.

Obviously there's argument for ttc being deeply more intimate than sex at other times, but how many men see it that way?

OP posts:

gatewalker · 21/01/2015 09:54

I'm not a man, so I can't answer that. But as a sexologist, what I do notice is that sex and intimacy do not function well when the mind is involved. Sex as an act of intimacy is mind-less. So the challenge is to stop thinking about ttc and rather enjoying the sex for its own sake. No small feat in certain circumstances. But if the sex cannot be enjoyed for its own sake at all, then that's something that bears looking at. Frequently (though not always), the answer will lie in what sex and intimacy were like before ttc.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 09:55

I agree Yonic.

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 21/01/2015 09:58

I think it should be discussed mutually rather than what your DP is doing.

I wouldn't like it if my DP wanted to get me pregnant and shagged me so much during my most fertile times but didn't bother otherwise.

Greysanderson · 21/01/2015 10:34

I think it would depend on the man's situation. If I really wanted a child then I would be aware that all the sex while ttc has a specific goal and so would separate the 2. A lot of the tome you might not even be in the mood for sex but do so any way.

If however your not really fussed about having a child but your partner is and you notice that only during ovulation does she really press for sex then I can see why you would feel used and unwanted except for the sole purpose of getting her pregnant.

MoreThanAWoman · 21/01/2015 10:36

Gosh! DN is moving at an alarming rate this morning. you will all be getting a row in a minute I think it's crossword time!

I think there are a lot of men out there who could relate to what you are saying OP. Here's hoping they find this thread and share. I knew a woman from my work who was trying for a baby with her DH for a long, long time. They actually ended up separating which was so sad she said they had lost each other a long the way.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 10:47

I knew dn moved slowly but I didnt expect this many replies so soon.

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GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/01/2015 10:50

Greys if you're really not fussed about a child, you really shouldn't be having one.

Original poster

DarkEarth · 21/01/2015 11:39

Grays, I see your point. Though I only asked as a close friend is struggling himself atm. While I never felt like that, I do not need sex on a regular basis, I care rather more that I am desired by my wife. I cannot bear the thought that she would have sex with me simply because she thought she should. I would happily accept that I were only going to have sex once a year if I knew that she wanted me.

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/01/2015 11:40

I meant greys not grays

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