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Original poster

Please could I have some male opinions on my DH and Porn

35 replies

TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 10:57

I have name changed, though this is my first time on the Dadsnet part of MN. I am hoping that you could give me your opinion on the following:
*My DH looks at Shemale Porn (not just one off curiosity type looking)
*My DH looks at porn in the morning (though not every morning) before going to work
*My DH looks at Vore Porn (not just one off curiosity type looking)

You may want to know that I do not object to him using porn in the same way a woman may use erotic fiction, as a means to fulfil a sexual need that he may not want fulfilled my me at that time.

I also have not noticed a drop in his attraction to me, nor anything out of the ordinary with our 'regular' sex life.

I would like you opinion on whether looking at Shemale porn is 'normal' for a straight man; whether looking at Vore Porn is just a fetish or something I should be concerned about and whether the porn in the morning thing is sign of an addiction.

Also, if you used (even hypothetically) the types of porn detailed above, and your DW/DP spoke to you about it, how would you feel?

You should know that I know of this use because I, in a moment of utter madness, looked at his phone history. In the ten years we have been together I have never ever looked before, nor have I ever had any doubts or insecurity about our relationship. I have looked a couple of times over this last week as I wanted to know that the Shemale / Vore stuff was a regular 'habit' rather than one off curiosity, and now I know it is, I would really really appreciate some male opinions on it.

If you would rather not say on here, but have an opinion or experience, would you be willing to PM me?

Thanks in advance for any feedback you want to give.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 13:14

Confused maybe I should have posted on Chat.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 13:21

hi changer, I am not a dad nor a man

Dadsnet is very quiet, with little traffic

you may get a few responses if you keep checking this thread, and bumping it

I remember your thread and just wanted to say I am sorry you are being put in this position. Have you not spoken to your H about it ? I wouldn't worry about having checked his history. Personally, I would rather have the information and risk him being pissed off about how I came by it, than be in the dark about this kind of stuff.

Those are unusual "tastes" and my concern would be that he would need more and more "stimulation" to get the same effect, possibly escalating to webcam, contact sites or even RL meetings with others.

I would also view hos morning "fix" as the sign of a worsening addiction.

I am very sorry. Of course, this is only my personal opinion and I hope you can get a few responses that help you form your own.

My best advice would be to speak to your H, though.

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 13:25

What is Vore porn? id google, but quite frankly, im scared!

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 13:27

I hope people don't think I am disregarding the advice given on the last thread, I just thought that seeking a male perspective may help me in addition to last weeks conversation.

I haven't spoken to DH as I don't want to leave myself open to a situation where he could, justifiably, say "it's rare, it's curiosity, it's new".....almost like I want (if I approach him) to be able to say that I KNOW it's an addiction, I KNOW it is worsening.

I hope with all my heart that it is not an addiction or worsening, but if it is, I need to feel concrete in that before we discuss it.

If he has these (to me) extreme / unique tastes, I cannot satisfy them and while he is obviously happy to turn to fetish sites to satisfy that need, my worry is that soon they will not be enough.

I know, deep down, that I need to speak to him. I know that. But the thought of it is making me so so upset.

I have looked at porn myself, though very very plain in relation to this sort of stuff and if he is aware (which he may well be and thinks nothing of it) he may even say "well, you do so why shouldnt I?" My concern is the type and frequency of the porn he uses and the worry that should his 'addiction' if thats what it is spirals, he could look elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 13:28

Vore Porn is something I wasnt aware even existed but apparently it's fantasy zombie / eating other people fetish.

I really do NOT know how that could be a turn on.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 13:34

changer I don't think anyone is thinking you are ignoring other viewpoints

I wouldn't have bumped this at all, if you had lots of male responses, there is nothing wrong with asking for specific viewpoints at all

it's just I have seen it is very quiet here

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 13:40

Yes, it is rather quiet in here. I might look for a male-heavy forum for some perspective.

The coward in my thinks that it would all just be easier to leave this and the other thread for DH to read.

I know that's not the answer though.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 16:12

oh, im so sorry but i had a little snigger at the zombie porn! lol i should think curiosity other than anyhting else

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 16:26

Hmm....it is one of his 'most visited'.

OP posts:
Huansagain · 14/07/2012 16:32

Now I'm no prude, but Vore porn?
Bizarre, and a bit creepy.

Dearie me, and if he's looking at She-males I'd say he's a bit confused about his sexuality.

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 16:53

Oh god. thats what i was afraid of.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 17:38

I think you need to talk to him, love

AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 17:42

what do they actually do in this vore thingy then ?

how can that be depicted ?

how would that even be a turn-on ?

is it simply people sitting around chewing on a bit of gluteus maximus or something ??

or are they shagging and snacking simultaneously? I am not being sarky or minimising this. I simply don't understand and would have to speak to my H about this then start divorce proceedings

am not googling it

BertieBotts · 14/07/2012 17:56

First: I'm a woman despite the username. Didn't see another thread so hope you don't mind me replying here.

I think I would be most disturbed and upset by the "vore" stuff - this might be reactionary but if he has a fetish for this kind of thing what does that mean? Would he be wanting to bring it to the bedroom at some point? It might be that he's very conflicted as he must know it's not a normal sexual fantasy and one that it's unlikely that most people would ever be open to trying. But - okay - let's be realistic. If there's porn about it then there must be at least a small number of people who want to try it out, and he's going to stumble across a forum about it sooner or later. (Again, really don't want to google it, but I would bet that something like this exists somewhere in the depths of the internet.) It's not really something you could role play, is it? Perhaps he is hoping that the porn will be enough to satiate his desire so that he will never want to do it in real life. If he wanted to, he could probably seek help with this. Otherwise what happens if it isn't enough - if he finds some like minded individuals on websites who do want to explore? Or worse, he tries to persuade you to?

I think you need to work out how he feels about it and then protect yourself - either by encouraging him to seek help or by getting away. Sorry :(

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 18:47

Arg....talking to him. I am dreading it. It will be the biggest and most painful discussion we will have ever had. I know that IF he takes his desire into RL I stand to be very very hurt, but theres something more concrete about an affair / ons.

Also, had I found chat rooms or the like I would feel more angry and hirt and it would fuel me to talk to him more than this does. At the moment it seems like its a fetish and that actually the only thing anyone has 'done wrong' is me - checking his phone.

I have NO idea about the vore porn. Strangely, I dont think.it involves any sex. I cant really tell without looking too far into it. I think its more people watch it for the thrill and excitement but the site is used alongside other porn so I assume he gets a sexual kick out of it.

OP posts:
nkf · 14/07/2012 18:50

He sounds like a weirdo. I'm not male. Does that make my opinion less valid?

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 18:50

Vore porn - morbid fascination
Shemales - erotic fascination

Fascinated with the wrongness?

I look at porn, i only ever look at women in porn (not womens porn but women) I am neither gay or bi-curious. So just because he looks at this stuff doesn't mean he wants to participate.

This is based purely on what you have said on this thread.

Talk to him, he shoudl be open and honest about it so long as you don't freak out (might be tough i know) - my dp is aware that i look at porn and doens't have a problem with it. He doesn't look at it (maybe once in a blue moon) himeslf. (this could be because he never gets on the laptop though!!)

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 18:51

How is your relationship otherwise?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 18:53

You have 2 alternatives, love

  1. ask him about it, and have this resolved one way or the other

  2. sweep it under the carpet, get no resolution, carry on worrying and make yourself ill with it

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 18:57

Our relationship is great. He seems happy, I am happy, we spend time together but arent in each other pockets
Hes great with our 7mo dd, great around the house. He is actually good company - we are very good friends and enjoy each others company as well as being H&W.

We have, from other peoples opinions 'the perfect relationship'.

Do yiu think if I were more adventurous i bed he would need to look at this stuff less / not at all or is it part of him that I should accept or walk away from?

He doesnt suggest stuff for us to try sex wise and im a little prudish. I initiate conversations about sex/ what we like, and he doesnt. However he would never turn down sex with me whereas I sometimes am too tired or exhausted with the baby to feel 'up for it'

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 19:00

if you were more "adventurous" in bed, it would stop him looking at this "niche" stuff ?

no, I don't think so, love

this is very specific stuff

talk to him

Original poster
TheChangerOfTheName · 14/07/2012 19:02

Is the fact that I looked at history something that would destroy our relationship? I have a feeling if I talk to him, he will make it all about that and avoid adressing my problem with his porn

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 19:08

In my relationship it wouldn't destroy it if I had looked at browsing history

only you can know if it would in yours

in my opinion, him turning your small misdemeanour (snooping) into something that superceded his massively dodgy behaviour, would be a major red flag about the dynamic of your relationship

AnyFucker · 14/07/2012 19:09

in other words, if he deflects all the blame onto you, what does that tell you about him ?

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 20:57

um, my dp and i have a VERY adventurous sex life, but i still enjoy looking at porn and my fantasies are extreme and weird (im drunk enough to say this - i sometimes fantasise about being an exhibit in some sort of victorian sex museum and variations thereof!, oh and being abducted by aliens and used as a sex experiment - so its FANTASY, It aint ever going to happen) So no, i dont think if you were more adventurous in bed it would make a blind bit of difference to my porn watching habits - if however my DP had a problem with it, i wouldnt do it.

you really need to talk to him, not in a "we need to have a serious talk kind of talk kind of thing" but a "omg i found this on your phone, curiosity strangled the cat and well, its a bit off the wall honey, is there something you would like us to try or are you happy with the way things are in that department?" If he can't be candid and honest ( but do remember he might be mortified) with you about it, it would be a red flag though.