Being romantic, presents etc.

[DadIsSad]

Our relationship has been rubbish for ages (as I've written elsewhere), but slowly getting a bit better with a lot of effort. The trouble I have is that I'm not sure my efforts are appreciated - I bought flowers earlier in the week, and she told me not to buy her flowers. Got her choccies today, and the only reaction was asking where I'd got them from, rather than at least a smile I'd been hoping for (I'd been looking forward to giving them for days - I thought they were something she'd like - maybe I'd built it up too much?)

So what do you do to be romantic? What other options are there for little presents which might be appreciated, or anything else I can do - she wants me to do stuff around the house, which I'm trying hard to do more of (and I've never been a total slob - have always done significant amounts of looking after kids), but none of that is really romantic. For the record I've bought her jewellery which she likes, but hardly wears (and I'm looking for something cheap), doesn't wear perfume or make-up, underwear is definitely unsuitable.

I guess I've never been that good at this sort of stuff - how exactly do you do "being romantic"?

I'm an ungrateful cow when my DP gets me flowers, chocolate or jewellery... I know I shouldn't be, but to me they're generic presents that you put no thought into at all, but buy for the sake of buying something.

Presents that I prefer are stupid little things, like a bar of chocolate that's harder to find that he's picked up while at work just because he knows I like them- it shows he's thinking of me when he's at work.

Or doing something, like getting a hot water bottle because he's noticed that my feet are cold, doing something around the house that he knows I hate doing but that needs done, but, without making a big production of it.

I would love him to spontaneously notice that I'm tired and just take over doing something like making dinner, again without acting like he should get a medal for it, lol,

small things matter more than showy things I think.

i think the loud and clear message she's giving you is - don't buy me stuff, pull your weight.

it may not seem romantic to you but it's what she actually wants. chocs and flowers are just things you can buy. showing her respect by actually doing what she has told you would make her happier is obviously a much better idea.

Give her a "day off", run her a bath or book and pay for an appointment at the hairdressers or for a massage or facial.
my dh once bought me a necklace that had a fingerprint of my DS when he was 11 months old. I haven't taken it off since!!

It not being 'romantic' that matters. Its the 'other' stuff like tidying the house before she gets home, getting up 10 mins early to make her a cup of coffee so she can have it in bed before she gets up to have her shower, stripping the beds and putting the washing machine on, emptying the bin, really listening to what she has to say about something bothering her.

TBH, if I buy flowers or buy chocolates DW always asks "what have you done wrong?" its kind of a private joke because its the 'other' things that matter most and showy 'romantic' stuff is nice but not what really matters.

I've been telling my DH for over 20 years not to buy me chocolates and flowers - what I really would love is for him to valet the car really well, or get some plants for the garden and plant them . Do you take care of the DC and let her have plenty of 'free' time to do whatever she wants?

she wants me to do stuff around the house, which I'm trying hard to do more of (and I've never been a total slob - have always done significant amounts of looking after kids), but none of that is really romantic

just that ^ listen to her!

if i was constantly telling someone what i needed and what would make me happy and they were repeatedly offering me a box of chocolate or bunch of flowers instead because they'd decided that was what should make me happy i'd be mightily pissed off and considering my options.

she's not a 'thing' who should respond to stimulus a like the manual says - she's a person, an adult, who is communicating very clearly with you but you are ignoring her.

there is no rocket science required here.

if you care about making her happier and a good relationship you'll do what she's said you need to do rather than keep expecting her to be ecstatic over a cheap bunch of flowers.

Its alot of small things - not expecting me to 'unbundle / unravel' clothes to put them into the washing machine. Doing and FINISHING a job if you have said you will do it. Don't forget to hammer the last sodding nail in. Give realistic expectations about what you are able to do and when - but sometimes just finish the bloody thing. Otherwise DW will look at it for 2 years and think what an arse.

Don't agree, but then just don't bother to do it, because actually you didn't want to do it but didn't COMMUNICATE.

Do the washing up, hoover without being asked - especially if its the mud off YOUR shoes. If she sighs when cleaning up, you can bet its your mess ......

Tell her you have a couple of hours - is there any job round the house she'd like to get done together. Then you have something you can see that means that you were starting to pull your weight.

Remember kids are 50% yours - she shouldn't be pleased that you are doing a significant amount - it is to be expected if you want to have a good relationship with them and as a family.

When its her birthday, get something personal, don't moan about going shopping etc etc.

if you want something small, how about bringing her back a magazine you know she reads, or a book she has mentioned, and saying have a bit of time to yourself while I make supper and keep an eye on the kids.

Not meant to be a lecture, and at least you are thinking about it. Hope this helps!

Oh and More Beta - you sound lovely!

Do you show her affection kisses cuddles that sort of thing not just at the expected times? Do you send her texts/emails/phone calls during the day just to say you love her/are thinking of her/ heard a song that reminds you of her? Put the tv off and just chat when the kids are in bed? How about taking her to places/lunch/dinner that you went when you first met/ used to go that reminds you both of the good times. These are the things I appreciate more than presents. Hope this helps

I agree with others that the examples of presents are just "stuff" - not very romantic at all TBH, especially if other things are lacking. If everything else was great, then presents etc would probably be appreciated (if she likes those things) but they are really more the icing on the cake than anything else, and meaningless on their own - you wouldn't be very impressed if it was your birthday, and someone presented you with a plateful of icing.

You say that you are trying to do more around the house, would you feel comfortable detailing what you do now and what your DW does? If you take a mental tour of each room of the house, everything, even small things like stopping clutter accumulating on desks, wiping sticky fingermarks from doors, bannisters and lightswitches, feeding pets, returning a mug to the kitchen, you'll probably find there is a lot more than you realised to be done. (That's not meant in a patronising way or to imply that you don't do anything, just that it's easy for all of us to forget these things.)

You could have a read of the book "Wifework" - it details a lot of the "hidden" tasks which women often automatically do in a relationship.

The other thing to do is thinking ahead - if she gets the kids ready in the morning for example, making sure there is milk and bread in for breakfast and clean socks in their drawers and their uniforms are ironed and/or clean would be helpful. Finding that DP has been to the shop and replaced the milk even though he doesn't drink tea is the kind of thing which makes me feel appreciated and supported.

I don't like housework myself and it doesn't come naturally to me but I try to approach it like I do tasks at work - it's not fair on my colleagues if I'm not pulling my weight. Would this help as a strategy at all?

Would just like to add that DP does do other romantic things - buys me presents, will run a nice bath with candles, music etc to share, but this would feel so fake and pointless were it not for the other stuff. Gestures and presents are nice, but real thought, considering her as an equal, approaching life together, is important.

From what you've said, it sounds like she finds you making effort and 'giving' her time (by doing stuff round the house) more romantic than giving stuff. I'm the same.

DH buys flowers only at our anniversary, never at any other point in the year. Yesterday he brought me pain au chocolat and coffee in bed (I gave up chocolate for lent, he knew I'd want chocolate for breakfast!), and then when I was getting ready, he sorted out the split bin bag, which really I should have dealt with because it was my fault it was spilling everywhere as I put something in that ripped it - we both know it was 'my' job, to do, but he did it without having to be asked (the most important bit) not because he wanted to be told 'well done' but because he wanted to do something nice for me. (He also didn't make a fuss of "look what I've done for you!" he didn't even mention it until I said I was about to do it and he told me it was already done.)

He also gives me a lie in once a week while he deals with DS (there is only really one lie in a week available for our family, I get it). This means a lot to me, quite frankly I can buy flowers myself and I always have chocolate in the house, expensive gifts would be coming out of the family money anyway, but effort means so much to me.

Make an effort for little things - they might not be the 'grand gesture' you want to do, but real romance isn't about you, it's about her. She's not a grand gesture girl, do what works, not what you want to work.

Do stuff without being prompted - its almost as bad as having to do it yourself,when you're left to organise it,and hand hold,and encourage,and praise all the way through!!!

Don't do stuff 'for her'.Its like saying you're doing something as a 'treat' which should really be her job.(this really infuriates me!)

I find chocolates are not so good - too tempting and you feel obliged to eat them. Flowers also not so good - unless you find a vase and arrange them! Also its a bit of a waste of money I think,unless you have loads (and they are quite expensive!)

I think I'd definitely prefer actions over gifts. A nice cup of coffee goes a long way!

One of the best presents dh has ever given me was a mango because about 6 months before I had mentioned in passing that I has never had (neat) mango and it showed he had listened and taken it in.
Other than that the most appreciated things would be a sleep in (or a day off!).
Listen more and take on board

OK, if you want a 'gesture' (I think you're wrong, but here goes), night out. But, you have to book the babysitter, book the resturant, book the taxi to/from. Arrange dinner for DCs before you go, clean up from this, make sure the house is clean and tidy (including the bathroom) so she doesn't feel she has to tidy up for the babysitter (wouldn't let the babysitter see our house a mess!). Clean and tidy has to be to her standard, not yours.

Tell her in advance that the following morning, you'll be getting the DCs up and breakfasted and then taking them swimming (or some other activity) so she can have a lazy lie in. Make sure the day before you know they have clean clothes and you have already identified where swimming stuff if located so that you don't ruin her lie in by asking for socks/trunks/towels/swimming nappies/20ps for the changing rooms etc every 5 minutes...

What about a clip board that she can write down your jobs on? It sounds as though she's trying to ask for help but isn't quite getting the message across as to what help is required. You could write a couple on yourself before wrapping it for her like others have suggested....Saturday get up early take kids for breakfast in the park till at least 10.30am, Sunday cook tea for everyone, bin day empty bins. It would show you're trying to listen yet you need a little more instruction.

I sort of like it when DH buys flowers but sort of resent it as well. Money needs fairly careful monitoring in our house and I can think of better ways to spend £5 or £10 than a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates. If its the same in yours another gift could be a small cash pot that you endeavour to put bits of money and change in when you can as guilt free money for her - strictly to be spent on little indulgences like magazines for her Saturday lye in, fancy bathroom etc.

still thinking about this.

the thing is if someone doesn't pull their weight, if someone doesn't clear up after themselves, if someone doesn't act like an equal adult no amount of chocs or flowers are going to seem romantic because it's near impossible to see them in a romantic fashion - what's romantic about having to clear up after someone? remember things for them? nag at them over the basics? end up being their mother?

you can't put 'romance' in where there isn't equality and respect and partnership.

and she isn't by the sounds of it asking for 'help' she's asking for you to do your share.

i'm not trying to 'have a go' by the way but to genuinely answer your question taking you at face value of actually wanting to make your relationship good and contribute to your wife's happiness and enjoyment of you as her partner.

Doing things for her is romantic, it shows you care.....and is free things my DP does for me that make me love him ate walking our dog when it rains, shoulder and feet rubs, cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, hoovering and mopping floors (I have a bad back so this means the world to me), holds my hand, brings me a coffee on bed last thing at night and tea in the morning these things show me he cares. Flowers and chocs are nice but these other things MEAN more.

Please don't buy her a clipboard so she can write your jobs on it!!

Thanks for all the comments - no offence taken at any of them. I do know that I need to do more, but as I pointed out, I'm far from doing nothing around the house - I cook dinner more often than not, hoover, wash up etc., and spend plenty of time looking after the kids (I went part time 4.5 years ago, so perfectly capable of looking after them by myself - I wouldn't have to prepare for a swimming trip etc. as I know perfectly well where everything is without any help - I have to admit to being amazed at blokes who are that incapable). I do have issues with clutter which I'm well aware of, but working hard on.

I kind of feel I shouldn't have mentioned that at all though, as I was after the sort of thing which would make her feel special in addition to that (even if that's what she says she wants). Is doing my share of the chores really something which results in warm feelings, smiles and cuddles? Surely the whole point is that is something which I shouldn't expect any gratitude from my DW for, it's just something I do? Do your DHs really woo you with a bit of hoovering? Maybe I'm still missing the point - I am after all a bloke, and the main reason I come on here is in an attempt to understand women, so feel free to flame away.

I did find a vase and arrange flowers in it when I bought them - I thought they were something she liked as she has made appreciative comments in the past (before our relationship went to pot). It's not like I'm buying choccies all the time - in my deluded state I thought Easter Sunday was an appropriate time to surprise her with some nice ones when the kids had got their eggs, there being some context to it rather than a desperate generic present.

Though today my DW has apologised to me for being grumpy, and got the choccies down when the kids had their eggs after clearing away tea - I found a heart shaped one out of the box sitting in my place when I sat down :) I did also tidy and clean so the flowers had somewhere nicer to go after posting last night, which I think was appreciated.

Anyway, thanks for the helpful suggestions about romantic things to do - some useful stuff in there (unfortunately amongst far too many good suggestions which just won't work for us for various reasons). All prompted by comment on another thread about me needing to do some wooing - clearly I'm going about it all the wrong way, but I did admit in my OP that I'm rubbish at this.

Unfortunately the most romantic thing I can think of is to to be provided with time alone in my own house. TBH that doesn't suggest my own relationship is in that fantastic a state.

What would you like your DW to do for you? Romance has to be a two-way street IMO. I'm guessing from other posts (not fair, I know) that you'd like more physical affection in the relationship. Is there anything physical that she is happy to do, that you would like more of, however minor? If she is making romantic/intimate gestures herself, that you are visibly appreciating and she is not finding threatening, she is likely to feel like making more of them. Do you/she like gorilla-style grooming, for example? Nothing better than a good pick at dh's pimples/earwax.

I read a book once about couples that had successfully stayed together long-term, and their number-one piece of advice was never to leave the room without saying where you're going. That really resonated with me. DH frequently has to take time out/breaks from stuff (mental health problems) but if he just heads upstairs, I have no idea if he needs a minute, ten minutes, two hours, is pissed off with me, is sleepy, fancies a shag, or what! I'm not a mindreader and don't like being ignored.

It is impossible to tell you what would be romantic to your DW, as we don't know her, and romance is all about doing something that shows you are thinking about that specific person, her needs and likes etc. That's why flowers and chocolates often fall flat - they are a little generic.

Little things that show you have listened to something she has said, gifts that you just know she would like (but that most people wouldn't 'get' at all), something that hints at an 'in' joke between the two of you, these are the things that spell romance to me. And as others have said, it doesn't have to be buying her something, it could be taking her somewhere special or facilitating her doing something she enjoys.

Or even just talking to someone, telling them how much they mean to you - there are not a lot of things more romantic than that...

If you're looking for an idea of a romantic present, what about printing out and framing a picture of the two of you or of the family for her and telling her that she looks so beautiful in the picture you had to get it framed.

OP: I was after the sort of thing which would make her feel special in addition to that (even if that's what she says she wants)

you're really not getting it are you?