Being romantic, presents etc.

[DadIsSad]

Our relationship has been rubbish for ages (as I've written elsewhere), but slowly getting a bit better with a lot of effort. The trouble I have is that I'm not sure my efforts are appreciated - I bought flowers earlier in the week, and she told me not to buy her flowers. Got her choccies today, and the only reaction was asking where I'd got them from, rather than at least a smile I'd been hoping for (I'd been looking forward to giving them for days - I thought they were something she'd like - maybe I'd built it up too much?)

So what do you do to be romantic? What other options are there for little presents which might be appreciated, or anything else I can do - she wants me to do stuff around the house, which I'm trying hard to do more of (and I've never been a total slob - have always done significant amounts of looking after kids), but none of that is really romantic. For the record I've bought her jewellery which she likes, but hardly wears (and I'm looking for something cheap), doesn't wear perfume or make-up, underwear is definitely unsuitable.

I guess I've never been that good at this sort of stuff - how exactly do you do "being romantic"?

Friends who have a really strong marriage despite a hectic work life spend time together every day - normally with an early evening stroll. Exercise, fresh air to clear the head an a chance to talk. If there is something similar to that, then maybe that would help you both. Not practical for me as the kids are too young - but I think there is alot in that principle to help improve a marriage.

I can see that you're really trying, but the problem is that the more you try, the more 'forced' it becomes!

Have you actually talked to your wife about how you feel and what you want from your relationship? It sounds like she is a bit cross with you for some reason. (Sorry - I didn't see your other thread so don't know if you've explained that elsewhere).

However, one key reason for grumpiness could be a feeling that she is being put upon in some kind of way. You talk a lot about 'trying harder' in stuff around the house, which suggests that there could be an issue here. If this is the case, please, please, please listen to the suggestions that have already been made here.

And if you do start increasing your share of the housework, please remember you are doing it because it is your job - you are not doing it 'to help her'!

Have you heard of the love languages concept? www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ For some people (it sounds like you are one of them) gifts are romantic, for others they feel more loved by physical affection, others by things that you do for them.

Doing housework well without having to be asked, regularly, is a big thing that makes me feel warm and loving towards my partner, and which makes me feel loved especially if he goes out of his way i.e. does more than the 50% which is expected, does one of my usual jobs etc. She sounds tired and stressed so I think anything you can do about that is good. Also listen to what she's saying and try to respond to it, find solutions etc.

i am struggling to think of anything 'romantic' about being bought chocolates or flowers

maybe it comes from a time where women had zero access to funds so couldn't have a bar of chocolate unless their husband oh so generously deigned to buy them one?

it is children who jump up and down giddily for a bar of chocolate not grown women. this idea of romance of giving a gift is actually all for male pleasure isn't it? the pleasure of being the giver and receiving gratitude in return for some token 'thing'. it's a bit of a cheap shortcut that men are told to expect to work?

does any woman actually find being given a gift 'romantic' or do most experience it for what it is and with an instinctive suspicion as to what the giver is after in response? even if it's only exaggerated pleasure and silencing of what it is you really need for them because you'll appear ungrateful in the face of a bunch of cheap flowers you didn't ask for?

OP i hope this thread is helping you see it from the female perspective rather than just leaving you going, 'yes but...' and looking for a short cut round that allows you to avoid dealing with her perspective and to substitute a cheap trick for romance rather than actually engaging with her as a whole other person who is trying to communicate with you.

Send her loving texts randomly!

Remember love is a verb-

do loving things rather than buy them.

If I'm not wishing he had done what he said he would do, then if which incidentally he doesn't normally he came back with flowers, because he and DD saw them in the supermarket and thought they'd brighten up the table / I'd like them, then yes I would be pleased that they thought about me while they were out.

But the thing that makes me most likely to appreciate the small gestures, is if the other stuff is done without being asked / without making a song and dance about it. Yes you might look after the kids once a week, take them swimming etc - but if they need something, do you ask your wife where it is, or just go and find it yourself? I know alot of people me included who feel like after they have kids, they have gained an extra one in the form of DH. And by deferring the men think they are being nice allegedly but thanks very much, I don't want to organise everyone, and make all the decisions from where we go on holiday to what to get from the supermarket.

I think if you feel you have a good partnership, in which communication is strong, honest and thoughtful, then the little gestures can be taken for what they are - a small way of showing you care. I personally like to bring something home sometimes "just because" - and DH likes it. But then yes I would like to be treated with the same amount of thought - not every time - but occasionally.

Eg I saw a magazine that had something in relevant to your current project so I thought I'd get you it. To me that is thoughtful, and makes me think he is listening to what I say / is aware of what I am doing. I don't mind if it turned out to not be that useful - its the caring that counts.

My other one is do as you would be done by - maybe she used to do things for you when your relationship was better - perhaps try building off something she used to do for you and instead do it for her. That's what I tell my DH - when in doubt and you want to do something nice .... engage brain and memory ......

Oh and swallowedafly yes even a bar of Lindt chocolate is romantic, if it is brought back with the intention that we will relax on the sofa and watch something he knows I want to watch and interact, rather than him being glued to work on his computer. All about context. Give me a bar of chocolate and think I should be grateful and "job done" for the next month - then a resounding NO.

I should add that my DH's 'romantic' side has improved immeasurably due to our DD ... maybe that's your solution OP - if you have a DD, then listen to her?! Oh and the DD in question has been assisting since she was 2 1/2.

Agree that small stuff is much more important. TBH I think the big romantic gestures are very easy to do. It is real thoughtfulness that is IMO more important.

So DP picking me up from work with a bar of my favourite chocolate after what I knew was going to be a difficult day. A message of support written in my diary, the dinner made when things are frazzled, a hug, the sheets being washed and changed unknown by me until bed time and there is lovely clean linen on the bed. This is harder than just buying chocolates and flowers.

Arrange for her to go out shopping/cinema/meal with friends then clean/wash/change the beds (my absolute most hated job ever - dh doesn't understand the need to change the bedding weekly ).

Buy her a book you think she'd like then make her a cup of tea and let her read for an hour or so (only get the chance to read when in bed and then I usually fall asleep)

MsWeatherwax... I was thinking of that book as well...
DadIsSad, once you know how your wife feels 'loved' your half way there. apparently there are 5 languages of love, this is how we feel loved, it could be;
receiving presents/gifts and thoughtful gestures
Quality Time and undivided attention
Acts of Service - having things done for us (thats me)
Words of Affirmation -being told we're loved and
physical touch (thats BF, he loves having his back stroked)

I mean all these things are nice but there is usually one thing that will make her feel loved and you need to find it...

this is why some people look perfect together and love each other but never really connect, because they're not pushing the right buttons.

Good luck finding your wifes.

DIS The fact you're on here asking advice shows how much you're willing to learn..that's a real positive

I wish I could help further, but you know your wife, and that's how you will find out what really is important to her...we women are complex creatures unlike you very simple men...no offence

Size10 - could you repost in slightly more patronising tones at all?

dad

Over and above helping out in the home, I think romance isn't about buying stuff, it's about doing stuff.

It's about looking good, being attentive, being spontaneous, showing your DW that you adore her......

I don't think it's what you buy her, it's what you do for her.

What kind of things did you do together when you were first dating ?

hey - first off, well done on trying to sort things out - it's not easy when it feels like an uphill struggle.

Secondly, both me and dp are women so I may not be the most helpful person on this thread but sometimes I think because we're both women, we're both so bloody busy doing everything all the time it's just as tricky especially to remember to be kind and make time for each other.

So, things I appreciate and I think dp appreciates - not chocolates or flowers, except for thoughtful-type chocolate - like I know she loves Star Bars so if I see one I'll buy one sometimes.

But I get trillions of brownie points if I buy her a New Statesman - she loves reading it, never buys it for herself and will then tuck herself away somewhere and read it - that's part of the present - make her a cup of tea and say go and read it!

I love having back rubs or foot rubs - waaaay better than flowers

Recently we've started e-mailing each other from work in the mornings - just a quick hello e-mail but it's lovely. Texts every now and then also good.

Sometimes I get her bigger stuff - tickets to shows I know she wants to go and see but to be honest that sometimes causes rows about money, so I try not to

Every now and then I'll take ds's away for the weekend somewhere - camping or to see my brother - gives her a break. And I get to go out to the pub with friends from work as I like doing that and she doesn't.

Ooh - buying a Guardian/Observer on a Saturday/Sunday is wonderful - whoever buys it the other one is instantly happy!

I don't know - it's hard sometimes when you're in a long term relationship with children - not at all easy to keep things fluffy and special, but it sounds like you're Making An Effort and that gets stilted and more difficult rather than making things easier.

I try to slow down - especially at the weekends - just slow your pace, sitting together in silence with a coffee and a biscuit is sometimes all you need.

OK, waffling now. As you were.

I think doing something for her is far more romantic than buying something. The things I appreciate from my husband are things like running me a bubble bath and bringing me a glass of wine. Cooking my favourite meal. Watching my kind of movie. Rubbing my feet. Leaving funny notes around the house for me to find, like I once found a note in my knicker drawer saying "I wear these" which made me laugh out loud. I still keep it in there and it makes me smile every time I see it. I don't think romance is generic. You need to show her that you are listening to her. That you "get" her.

JustForTwo, is "Community Manager" a misspelling of "Someone who tries to advertise their business on other websites without paying ratecard"?

Do you have any children together?

If so, praise her whenever she did something good education-wise, e.g. when she used a psychological trick to get them to go to bed, sort out a problem etc.

Praise her for anything you really find she did well. Do it sincerely (don't make anything up), matter-of-factly, and brief. The more unromantic and non-"I said something nice to you, now what about a wee quickie in return?" it sounds, the more romantic it will be perceived at. Seriously.

Express real gratitude every time SHE did you a favour.

Good luck!