Message to fathers.

[Huansagain]

I know MN want the F4J theme to die down but I want to write something in case any of them read this.

They're asking what else they can do to help fathers so my thoughts.

When you have a child.

Don't work long hours.
Both go part-time if you can.
Take days off when your child is sick.
Don't assume your career comes before your partners.

Change the nappies, obviously you can't breast-feed but there's lots of other stuff you can do as part of a team. Get up in the night and help.

Go to school-plays, parents evenings, sports days, fetes, doctors appointments.

When your partner is on maternity leave, when you come in from work everything is equal you've both done a day at work. This works if the father takes a years paternity leave as well.

Ime mothers don't naturally know what to do with first babies just like fathers, so get stuck in and learn.

If you're going to carry on going out, working long hours and not splitting the child-care if you separate you are not going to get 50-50 shared-care.

If you want that, do it before the separation. I would have said there's more chance of the relationship working anyway.

This is from a father who has shared-care.

Round of applause for Huansagain

Oh bless. My dh would never be this articulate about his role, but he's done all of this and more. I thought he was unique, but am delighted that he's not.

Very well said

great post :)

a years paternity? In the real world that just wouldnt happen. And dont work long hours?

Nice idea, but not practical ime.

It is a shame that something that should be a given has to be explained in such detail.

All of this and more is what I expect of my DH and he has done freely.

I especially like the "mothers don't naturally know what to do" part. It can be a lovely part of bonding with the baby, when both parents work together, even when they are clueless.

Honestly, I'm sure there are many Fathers out there who wish they had been told all this because when you read it, it is obvious isn't it? I am now trying to work out how I can get my dh to read it!

Jax
I know that not all of that is doable. My DH did work long hours, but because he had to, it was and is part of his job.

But being actually involved in every day care of a child is very important. I know guys who boast that they never changed a nappy in their lives. As if it were something to be proud of.

Huansagain Great post there fella.

That's how things are in my home as well. And if we had a whole lot more dads reading this they would find the bond and relationship with their children is so much better. Its not rocket science but it does take real work and effort. That said however the rewards are immense.

Now if we could get this point through to the bulk of dads then life might just be better for all, especially the children.

Depends on what kind of job you have...

It's true. Just get stuck in.

Before DD, I was always a bit wary of children and uncomfortable with them, and naturally kids pick up on this.

But now, not only do I find kids great fun but that they love playing with me too.

It's great!

I know mmelindor - and to my DH credit, he is a very 'hands on' father. happily changed nappies when my 2 were babies. And I can go away and know that my children are perfectly fine with their father. He can cook, clean, do activities and be a parent as well as I can. Actually, although I am a SAHM he is a better parent in some aspects.

I just cant understand the dads who do SFA with and for their children.

Well said Huans.

All though my DH is unable to avoid long hours he has done all of the above and so much more since DS was born 15 years ago.

These are some of the reasons why I love and respect him so much and why our boys adore him.

I hadn't a clue about babies but he guided and supported me.

He is, apparently, just like his dad( who died before we got together) and just like my dad was to us.

Jax
Yes, I feel sorry for those men too, as they are missing so much of their children's lives.

It is important that we mums "let" (and I use that word cautiously) the fathers take responsibility.

I know women who resisted handing the baby to the dad, because they were "bound to do it wrong" and were "useless at doing baby stuff". Well, perhaps they were, but if they never get the chance to learn then that won't improve.

One friend in particular was a total martyr, she never went on a night out cause she could not trust her DH to put the DC to bed properly.

I learned quite early on that although DH and I may do things differently the children were fine. Him doing something a different way from me didnt make it wrong, just different. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt easy, but it was the best advice that I could pass onto my friend when she had her first. Avoids many arguments too.

Nice sentiments but impossible in practice.

One year's paternity leave! You do know that paternity leave is 2 weeks don't you. And not even at full pay. Compare that to the 52 weeks that women get.

I'm sure everyone would love to go full time. But how many families can afford to have both parents go part time?

Decisions about part time working / maternity leave should be taken as a family unit. If (as is often the case) the joint decision is taking that the mother should be SAHM, or part time, then the father should not be penalised upon separation for having worked full time.

women and men should get the same perternity/maternity leave. not only would this make things fair but it would mean 25-35 year old women could get a job easier if either sex could buggeroff for ages when they get a kid.

Apologies for dragging up an old thread..... Long time lurker and now I have taken the plunge !

Huans I have read your message as instructed. I am a member of F4J, but then again I haven't tied myself to any buidlings, I save my fancy dress for parties and nights out. So I don't fit the popular stereotype.

Plenty of things in your list I do and did, as well as plenty of other things, never thought to make a list to be fair. But yes the halycon days of getting up with a poorly toddler night by night to have them throw up in your mouth... fortunately that only happened twice ! The sick in the mouth thing I mean, not getting up in the middle of the night, that alas was far more regular !

Now divorced and with 2 great kids, who I have pretty much 50% of the time. But I had to fight for that, thats why I joined F4J.

Appreciate your sentiment and I am not being combative, but stereotypes don't always fit. There are a lot more of us out there who strive to be the best Dads we can be, than are maybe realised. It depends I suppose on where people are 'looking' from and what they have told themselves they are going to see before they open their eyes.

playing the devil's advocate .........

I don't disagree in principle.. but....

I think the problem is, at least as far as the issues listed go, is that F4J ( who I have nothing to do with ) are by definition not with the mothers of their children. And in at least some situations they may well have been the sole bread winner and thus unable to full-fill some of those criteria.

So I think the advice is really helpful for fathers / to be , who are in a relationship with a new born, not so much for those who have split from the mother of their children.

Exactly Mr Gin.

Thanks Mr Gin

Not sure whether the OP was just not explaining himself so I could understand it, or there are some mixed messages in there.

I was answering it as it was addressed to the blanket of F4J - not on their behalf but as a member with my own voice. Whilst there are some points which are valid, others really rankle - I suppose a better way of addressing it originally would be as 'Dads who suddenly want to be Superdad after years of inactivity when they get seperated' rather than a blanket of F4J including Dads, who did at least 50% with their kids prior to seperation and loved it, then after seperation see their kids in tears because 'Mummy says I can't come and see you more' or xW family members 'are saying nasty things about you to me', spend thousands and thousands to go to Court to get more contact with kids who want it and ask for it etc etc.

I suppose making statements like that is a bit like marketing - identify your target market and then give them the message you want.

Anyway time for bed and thanks for the clarification....

(The devil on my shoulder is gagging to ask the OP for his guidance and advice on what seperated Dads who happen to be members of F4J need to do.... but that can wait !)

A year off? Shorter hours? Go part time? What planet are you on? All anybody can do is their best. That's what happens in the real world.