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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Does he want to marry me or not?

37 replies

NotMarried · 20/01/2012 17:24

please can I have some male advice on the best way to to about letting my dp know that I am ready to get married without actually saying "I want to get married"

background: been together for a long time and have one child, about 6 years ago we went through a real rough patch and it was touch and go whether we would stay together - this was before children - we decided to give it a go at which point my dp said something along the lines of "well, we'll have to think about marriage at some point" to which I curtly replied that I didn't think that now was the time to put that in the mix. Roll on 6 years and one gorgeous child later and marriage is very much the elephant in the room. I've never felt a great desire but over the past year I've been thinking about it a lot on and have finally come to the conclusion that I'd like to get married.

but! I don't want to ask dp and I'm not sure how to hint and also why hasn't he asked me??!! I think he would like to from a couple of things he's said in the last 6 months unless I'm misreading it, eg he told me that he'd told the bank that I was infact a "miss" and not a "mrs" and that they'd better change it on our correspondence because I wouldn't like it to which I said "who says I wouldn't like it?" he didn't say anything and yet only a few months prior at a wedding when someone drunkenly said to him "oooh you'll be next" he shrugged and said "I've tried" (er when??), last week my dd said to him "daddy have you ever married mummy?" cue silence to which I said in a jokey way "well have you ever married me" and he said "no but you two are my very special girls"

so what do you think? does he want to or not, how can I find out and if he does want to how can I get him to ask me or at least bring up the subject?

OP posts:
TiggyD · 20/01/2012 18:56

Ask him for fucks sake! You want to do something then you do something about it. NOT: you want something so hope somebody else guesses and does it for you.
It's 2012 not 1912.

Tequilamockinbird · 20/01/2012 18:56

It's a leap year Wink

clutteredup · 20/01/2012 19:07

My DH would be like your DP - at one point we had a bad patch and were on the verge of splitting up he said something like - I suppose this would be a bad time to ask you to marry me - i didn't say anything and years later he still thinks of this as a rejected proposal - so as far as your DP is concerned he asked , you said no and that's what you want - You need to let him know it's not any more- he hasn't asked because he thinks he already has and you've turned him down.
I'd refer back to the bank conversation and say you wouldn't have minded being called Mrs.XXX. You will need to be lees than subtle though - apologies I know we're on Dadsnet - but if he's like my DH he will miss the subtleties.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 19:12

That is such manipulative bullshit - pretending that a non-proposal at a completely inappropriate time means he was rejected and is too wounded to ask again.

clutteredup · 20/01/2012 19:23

athing I didn't say he was 'too wounded' that's your words - I was merely suggesting that as far as he was concerned OP didn't want to get married which is why he hadn't considered asking again- I was assuming he was fine with the situation which is why he hadn't asked.
I was only offering a helpful suggestion based on my experience of my DH - who was also not 'wounded'.
No need to be quite so rude and perhaps more usefully you could offer your own suggestion as OP is asking for advice.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 19:31

What advice can there possibly be for someone who wants something perfectly reasonable but refuses to ask for it?

clutteredup · 20/01/2012 19:35

You could just kindly suggest she ask him or talks to him about how she feels.

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/01/2012 19:38

Just tell him that you would like to get married and ask if he wants to.

Why is this hard?

NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:40

Look AThing there's a very good reason why I'd prefer him to bring it up rather than me and it has nothing to do with "wounded feelings" following on from a refused non proposal. I was just setting the scene for the guys so that they might have an idea of a way to go about me nudging him into bringing up the subject.

Guys??

OP posts:
NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:43

if you really want to know he was married very briefly when he was very young - a teenager infact - and his ex "announded" they were engaged infront of a whole group of family and friends and he being the gent let it run, of course I suspect that he was wild about her otherwise he wouldn't have gone along with it. It's just a thing that I have in my head that's all

OP posts:
NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:46

announced

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 20/01/2012 19:48

why hasn't he asked me??!!

Because he brought it up before and you snubbed him!

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 19:49

Well if he's anything like my DH, hinting and nudging will either go entiirely over his head or infuriate him and make him feel (correctly) like you are trying to manipulate him.

Your options are
1 ask
2 stop hoping

Or the extremely unattractive option

3 make yourself look like a sad desperate cow by trying to get him to do what you want using feminine guile

But obviously men are great at coming up with complicated solutions to simple problems...

NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:51

6 bloody years ago after we'd been on a trial separation for 4 months and we had just decided to give it a go. We have a 4 yr old daughter! We're a very happy family!

Must admit though that I do scoff at the tv when I see those youtube shows with guys proposing at sports stadiums and what not (but only because I would hate such a public proposal personally)

OP posts:
clutteredup · 20/01/2012 19:52

To be honest you need to be able to ask him how he feels about not being married and how he feels about getting married, it does involve both of you - if you can't talk to him about this you might want to reflect on the way you communicate as a couple. I can see that you're worried that he might only do it because you want to but you've been together for a long time it's not the same as being 'trapped' into a marriage at a young age - you've been living together , had a child the marrying part is additional to that so I don't think you need to worry. If it's because you want to give him the opportunity to do the big proposal thing because you think he might like to do that then just say - 'you know if you ever asked me to marry you i would say yes- and leave it like that.

NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:53

you're a nasty piece of work AThing and really quite cruel

men are great at coming up with uncomplicated straightforward ways of going about things especially when it comes to other men.

men! defend yourselves!

OP posts:
NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:55

no! I'm not worried that he'll do it because I want to (that thing with his ex is just a thing in my head) I truly think he'd love to marry me - I just want him to bring it up!

OP posts:
NotMarried · 20/01/2012 19:56

well, AThing I suppose I better run off now and cook his dinner then suck his cock and have a post coital "marriage darling?" conversation Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2012 19:57

For goodness sake marriage should be a joint mutual decision, not about him deciding the time is right to propose.

You need to speak to him properly, tell him that you are very happy with your relationship and ask if he is then say that now you are ready to commit to getting married and is he?

I'm sorry but you live together and have a child together, why the need for him to propose???

clutteredup · 20/01/2012 19:58

notmarried I don't think he will bring it up as if he was going to it seems like he has had a lot of opportunities - sorry i think you're going to have to start that one.

lisaro · 20/01/2012 19:59

Buy a long white dress and veil. Wear them constantly. If that doesn't work, nothing will.

clutteredup · 20/01/2012 20:01

If we're going for that approach - I'd drag him up to every jewellers window and point out the very obvious engagement rings and say things like ' that one's nice' . Just talk to him sweetie.

TiggyD · 20/01/2012 20:02

Your idea of cooking dinner is using up valuable cock sucking time. Get a take-away.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 20:28

The only uncomplicated, straightforward way is to ask him.

What happened when he was a teenager has nothing to do with you, or your situation.

You guys have a settled adult relationship with a child. Telling him you want to get married when you have some quiet time for a chat is nothing like a crazy teenager announcing an imaginary engagement.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 20:30

And if you have to act like a skivvy cum prostitute to get him to agree to marry you, then he probably isn't that keen.

Just a normal conversation with another adult will do.