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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Woman needs some male views about what happens to man's behaviour in divorce?

30 replies

Wisedupwoman · 14/06/2011 15:44

It's completely beyond me to understand what is happening. I'm divorcing my stbx of 20 years after discovering his second affair in March. He, apparently is having a mid-life crisis and doesn't want to be married any more, to the extent that he'd made all sorts of plans to leave until rudely interrupted by my discovery and subsequent demand that he left that day. Since then despite my efforts at starting divorce proceedings and now mediation, he evades all my efforts to get it going - lies about his whereabouts etc, you get the picture I hope.
My question is - if he is getting what he wanted, then why the evasive tactics? Appreciate your thoughts, please.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 06:30

C'mon fella's, one of you must have a take on this!

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Finallygotaroundtoit · 15/06/2011 07:10

Cos you did it first - he's having a tantrum -

No me do it!

Snorbs · 15/06/2011 09:09

I don't really see this as a man-v-woman thing. Sometimes a bloke acts like a twat not because he's a bloke but just because he's a twat.

You're divorcing him. His motives for playing the fool are his own. Even if you understood why he was doing it would it actually make any difference to the divorce?

MrMan · 15/06/2011 14:23

maybe its because during a divorce, many men (and many women) play silly buggers and try to do the opposite of whatever they think the other wants. Its six-year-old behaviour a revenge thing.

nocake · 15/06/2011 14:35

He may be trying to avoid dealing with it. You should just push on with the divorce and keep him informed (in writing) of what you're doing. Unfortunately you can't force him to go to mediation (as I found with my ex) although if you send me his email address I'll let him knows how much it's going to cost him in legal costs if he doesn't go (it cost my ex £15k because she refused to go and we ended up in court).

Why are you asking about his whereabouts?

Gster · 15/06/2011 14:51

there's a joke.

Men fully appreciate what wonderful and sexy people their partners are.... about fifteen minutes after being dumped.

It's childish I know, but I think it's always harder being the one that's being dumped.

GetOrf · 15/06/2011 15:00

I don't think this is a man V woman thing - it is a being a knobhead thing.

Some women behave appallingly in break ups as well.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 15:25

Hi all, thanks for posting.

Well I thought having got what he's aiming for he'd be up for getting it all done and dusted so we/he can move on. I need his (real) address for CSA, for moving things along, as I and our DD are living in a state of financial insecurity and limbo.

I don't see it as man v woman either tbh, and it doesn't make a difference to the divorce as such, except it makes it even more complicated and drawn out than it needs to be.

Thanks again. Much appreciated.

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mrsravelstein · 15/06/2011 15:29

i'm a woman, not a man, but i can tell you that my exh successfully spent 5 years delaying our divorce largely because he didn't want me to know about his true financial situation, and didn't want to give me any money. could it be that?

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 15/06/2011 15:39

Definitely could be, but my guess is it's not about loads of money (although I've learned that lots of bolters sequest money away for ages before they go and financial disclosure is unavoidable both in mediation and in court).

my stbx had access to my bank a/c and actually took money from it which he then intended to give back to me as the first months 'maintenance'! Can't prove his intention, but he definitely took it and put it back after I discovered what he did and was talking to the police - just in time.

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eeore · 16/06/2011 18:09

Maybe it is because you discovered his plans, he is now intent on leaving on his own terms.

Plus if the police have been involved he might not want you to know where he is.

tbh without being him, or being in the relationship, it is not easy to say why he is acting as he is. It may well be something as simple as his not wanting to enter into mediation because there is other stuff that has gone on that he doesn't want you to know or confront himself.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 16/06/2011 19:18

I guess, eeore.

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dadof2ofthem · 18/06/2011 09:30

maybe he doesnt know what he wants , and is delaying while he thinks about it, keeping you hanging on

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 18/06/2011 11:26

thanks, dad. Silly man if that's the case, there's no going back for me.

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eeore · 20/06/2011 10:26

To me there's your answer as to why he is behaving like he is and why he is not going to mediation or cooperating.

Collaborate · 20/06/2011 10:38

You don't need his current address for the CSA - the last known or notified address is the proper address to give - ie yours.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 20/06/2011 15:15

Oh really? That doesn't make sense to me. He can't get the forms if he's not here? Or doesn't it matter? Anyway they now have three possible addresses, including mine, so one of them will hit the spot!
Thanks.

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Tyr · 20/06/2011 15:26

The CSA are notoriously incompetent but they will catch up with him. He becomes liable from the day they receive your application, not the day he receives the papers.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 20/06/2011 16:09

HOw timely your post Tyr.

CSA have made contact today, in "a difficult phone call which didn't get very far" but he has been informed about the start date of the claim. So job done in that respect.

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timehealsall · 23/06/2011 23:22

Widsedup

Is your ex still seeing his affair partner?

I only ask because my stbx wife left me and was all "let's sort this out", painful at the time but I was thinking "well if it is going to end I'm happy to get it done and finished asap".

Then 2 months later she was seeing someone else from work and eveything stalled. I pushed for ages because I really did want it sorted out but she just wasn't interested in moving forward finalising anything - house sale was stalled, divorce papers never came, etc, etc. Now, 2 years down the line, she's finally agreed I can get on with it - though little irritated I actually now have to do the papers when it was her idea iyswim.

I've always just assumed it's because spending free time with her new boyfriend was far more appealing than the more unsavoury business of sorting out a divorce, Though she also used to say occasionally she was going to get on with it but was dreading it - no idea why, don't think it has to be all difficulty and conflict.

Anyway maybe your ex is just too busy living in a bubble if he's with new partner and just wants it all to be like when you're a teenager and you can dump someone with no responsibilities.

good luck.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 24/06/2011 16:50

Yes, they're living at her house.

I know what it's about timeheals - it's about just how much it's going to cost him - plenty, and the penny has only just begun to drop.

We will be divorced next week, and then it's all over bar the shennanigans he'll pull to try and evade paying my costs, proper maintenance, pension etc. However, so far things are going my way (save for the regrettable heartache) and CSA didn't waste time in making contact so he's already in arrears.
Sorry to hear yours wasn't quite so clean cut - I agree there is a certain 'rose-tinted' gloss with the fuckwittery new affair partner, but it wears off and soon weeds appear in the lovely green grass.

WTF - we're both better off without them!

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Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 24/06/2011 16:52

BTW you can apply for her to pay the costs if you're the petitioner. Do you have a sol?

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timehealsall · 28/06/2011 14:31

Thanks Wisedup!

I've no idea how my ex's new realationship is going (other than they do appear to have split up and got back together twice and are now co-habiting - but she always did like a bit of drama). But I totally agree that it won't all be roses and loveliness. I just hope it's happy enough to keep her fulfilled because if it isn't I fear in the end the buck will come back down to me for "putting her in a situation where she had to split up with me" (this was a phrase used over and over in our split). That's one of the reasons I wanted to get it all sorted out asap because bucks coming back before arrangements are finalised could have practical implications as we have a DS.

Yeah, I do have a solicitor and actually have agreed to split costs 50 / 50 with my ex in terms of the divorce which I think is fair - i.e. in my case, and this is NO comment on anyone elses, I feel I made enough mistakes and got things wrong enough to bear responsiblity in it breaking down and am happy to share the costs of that responsibility - though at the time would have been far happier trying to sort through the problems with help - and did give ex that message but I'm really not in the business of trying to force someone to be my partner if they don't want to be - like you say in the end actually better off without them and free to find someone who does want to be.

Don't worry though I also did get a lot of things right and she wasn't ideal herself at times so the simiplicity of her opinion "you bad, me good" though damaging at first has become fairly irrelevant as my self esteem as rebuilt - now it only really informs dealing with her and understanding why she seems so difficult at times!

Truckrelented · 28/06/2011 14:46

Perhaps in his mind he thinks you're going to try and take him to the cleaners? As the saying goes.

But that's his fault for earning a lot more and having a pension. And viewing the money as his.

If he'd waited until DD was older he'd have done better so he's not too clever.

I think once courts, solicitors, CSA are involved it must be very difficult to remain amicable as it's so adversarial.

Original poster

Wisedupwoman · 28/06/2011 15:46

timeheals glad to hear you have hung on to your voice of reason, and you are now in a better place to let the accusations ride over your head (and heart).

It takes time though, doesn't it? I'm fuming now because my stbx has written to my sol and he is now objecting to the mediation he was "insisting" on only a few weeks ago - on the grounds that CSA are now involved and he doesn't "see the point" of paying out large sums of money when he is being "forced" to pay statutory levels of maintenance. This is his flesh and blood here. But like you, I'll get over it in the time it takes me to drink my .

And Truckrelented, the above is a primary illustration of your suggestion. Except for one thing. If there had been an ounce of honesty from stbx in all the opportunities I gave him - to tell me if there was someone else, to leave if he wanted etc, it wouldn't have come to this. Once trust has gone IMO, the statutory route has to become the intermediate.

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