Woman needs some male views about what happens to man's behaviour in divorce?

[Wisedupwoman]

It's completely beyond me to understand what is happening. I'm divorcing my stbx of 20 years after discovering his second affair in March. He, apparently is having a mid-life crisis and doesn't want to be married any more, to the extent that he'd made all sorts of plans to leave until rudely interrupted by my discovery and subsequent demand that he left that day. Since then despite my efforts at starting divorce proceedings and now mediation, he evades all my efforts to get it going - lies about his whereabouts etc, you get the picture I hope.
My question is - if he is getting what he wanted, then why the evasive tactics? Appreciate your thoughts, please.

Wisedup - oh yeah, it definitely took me a long, long time and I had a lot of help from friends and free counselling service at work (very lucky). I'd say you sound like you're moving much faster than I ever managed so can only admire that.

Also agree that in the absence of trust / communication the statutory route becomes the default - and sometimes that works out in the end because everyone ends up having beefs with the system rather than each other.

To back Truck up a little thoug the problem is, of course, that the "one size fits all" nature of CSA at this stage can be argued with pretty compellingly from fathers in certain sets of circumstance. Maybe not your ex tho!

I agree with you re the way CSA operates. It happens to fit me in my circumstances, and actually 15% of stbx's earnings isn't much at all - he's a high earner whilst I'm not but I have all the responsibility of the home and our DD which he virtually nothing to now, particularly his time.

I also had free counselling at work, so consider myself very fortunate, somewhere to vent everything and get some support.

When all's said though, it comes down to taking the reins in a situation which wasn't of my choice, and I would give anything for it to not have happened. But it did.

I've found posting on MN (and here!) very helpful though, and I'm glad to see there's a forum for men to sound stuff out - it's not all about us girls after all!

I know exactly how you feel - "now I'm having to blinking sort out something I didn't want in the first place".

In the end though, you know, it'll make you stronger - it's a cliche because it's true - whereas your ex, well lets just say I doubt he'll gain much on the inside.

Ha, ha, and yes Dadsnet is cool I think - not many of us men really get into venting feelings and stuff but it's nice that those of us who do have somewhere to go.

Oh also have you seen Wikivorce - can be brilliant for advice, etc.

Hey timeheals yes I've been to wikivorce, got some really good advice there and support too.

I know what you mean about growing stronger, I've done alot and accomplished things I'd have relied on him to help with. It's all kind of uneven though isn't it, I mean some days it's a case of putting one foot in front of the other and other days things are really easy.

I found out my ex had been meeting women off the internet for sex. He struck up a relationship with one got her to move counties so she lives 15 minutes from where he works but he says she didn't move to be near him. I filed for divorce but he will not finalise. He still cannot fathom why I filed for divorce. He treated me so badly with his infidelties. He sees our daughter every other weekend. I am worried about him having access because of his obsession with sex. His parents are involved in his life but they only see what they want to see and get to see alot more of their granddaughter so stick their heads in the sand. His brother got arrested on possesion of class A drugs yet he is making me feel guilty about the breakdown of the marriage. He is treating me like a client in his the bank. Offering me the worst senario then hoping to negotiate so I feel like I am getting a really good deal out of him. He is a good dad but I'm worried about all this other stuff. Why wont he finalise when we clearly cannot be together