Any bilingual families - need help encouraging DS to speak second language

[RecoveringChocaholic]

I've been trying to raise our DC bilingual. DS's first language is English, his second language is my mother tongue. We speak English when his dad is around as he doesn't speak my language, but when it is just the two of us I always speak in my native language. He understands me perfectly fine but always responds to me in English. There's the odd non English word thrown in and he is getting better, but never a full sentence.
We read in his second language, watch films, listen to audio stories. He also goes and visits my family 2-3 times a year and Skypes my mum (her speaking my native language, him responding on English).
Any advice on how to encourage him to speak to me in his non - native language? My mum says I should just make him but he point blank refuses.
He's 4 and also has a baby sister who doesn't talk yet.

Just keep going and don't make a big deal about it.
Understanding always comes first before speaking.

Just tell him nanny can't understand what he is saying so you have to tell her in x language. When he responds to you in English, make it a game and ask him what that would be in x. You can't really force a child of 4 to do much if they don't want to but if you make it fun, it may encourage him to speak it more! Good luck!

If he’s asking for ice cream or to watch a specific film, ask him to ask again in whatever language it is. Don’t give in until he asks properly. DH does this with DD and it’s very effective as generally wants a cookie more than she wants to speak English!

Also, have you checked in your area to see if there any meet up groups for families who speak the language?

Pretending that Grandma doesn’t understand English could also work but maybe not if he’s been conversing with her weekly!

You can’t really force it though, if he understands then that’s great, speaking will come later.

I'd second advice already given, and I just wanted to say that even though he's not speaking back in his second language, the fact he is exposed to both languages from such a young age is giving him a developmental advantage and you should be proud that he has this opportunity. I am sure that in time he will speak his second language too.

I agree with @endofthelinefinally - my DC2 was the opposite way around though: he understood but refused to speak English for about 6 months. Which was interesting because he understands both my mother tongue, as well as DHs and would respond in either of those languages depending on which parent was speaking to him in English!!
Multi-lingual children absolutely fascinate me! I’d love a little window into my kids’ brains just to see what’s going on
We just kept persevering with speaking English to him and around him, and he eventually snapped out of it and started joining in. It was evident he understood the English too because if I asked him in English “Can you find your ball” he would go and do it

I’m bilingual, my mum was the same as you. She’s told me before that I went through a phase of doing this - she just refused to respond or reply to me if I spoke in English - sounds harsh, but it must have worked

My dc have 5 languages between them. I wouldn't worry OP.

'If he’s asking for ice cream or to watch a specific film, ask him to ask again in whatever language it is. Don’t give in until he asks properly.'

I'd advise, quite strongly, against this. Language is highly personal and emotional and he needs to feel safe and non-manipulated around it. He'll resent it if he feels forced to 'perform' in his second language. It's very normal for the non-majority language to be weaker and used less often than the majority language - I always say my dc (ranging in age from 14 to 3) are bilingual speakers but not native speakers of their minority language (English, which is my language) because you really do need the whole surrounding context to create a native speaker. Simply persist, with the reading, films, audiobooks etc, and only ever speaking your native language to him, but don't, whatever you do, make an issue of the language in which he chooses to respond. That'll shift as he grows. But you want him to forge his own connection to it, and making him feel he's being 'trained' won't do that.

CatteStreet is spot on.

I agree. Don't make an issue if it. My ds has always answered me in Italian. Just in the last few weeks he has started talking to me in English. (I want to jump up and down but I am playing it cool. ) He is 9!

Interesting point Catte, that makes a lot of sense! I’ll definitely mention this to DH (he’s the bilingual speaker) but I doubt he’ll agree given that’s what his Mum who raised 3 bilingual children, and his sister who has 4 trilingual children recommended...

At that age, their vocabulary is still a.work in progress, and children don't really understand yet that they're bilingual. I used to have to ask my kids what the "other word" for X was. (they're in Welsh medium school, I'm monolingual).

Language is highly personal and emotional and he needs to feel safe and non-manipulated around it. He'll resent it if he feels forced to 'perform' in his second language.

I think this is a bit too emotive and dramatic.

Yy parkrunner. Walking home with my dd (3) today she saw a picture of a unicorn on something and announced it was an 'Einhorn', I said yes, a unicorn, and she was very insistent that it wasn't that but an Einhorn With most concepts she has no difficulty accepting and understanding the coexistence of two words for things, but where the thing only turns up in one context (unicorns clearly being a thing at kindergarten) it's harder.

keep doing what you are doing.

keep reading in you home language, maybe add story tapes showing age and tv shows.

when dc is older consider summer camps in home country.

Watching with interest! My DS is bilingual and mixes everything up, but not worried yet as he's only 2. We're outside the UK but I let him watch a bit of CBeebies and I'm desperately trying to get him into bilingual schools/clubs where he'll use both, and ideally get into a hobby which he'll need to English to get by.

Our kids are bilingual - we have always stuck to the '1 parent 1 language' thing. So DH speaks in his native tongue and I speak in mine (English), and kids are expected to respond accordingly. There has been some pushback when they were younger, particularly with our eldest, but now ages 13 and 9 it is automatic from them to switch from one language to the other. It can be difficult, particularly when you are trying to get them to speak a language they don't speak at school or with friends, but gently persist. It is worth it!

I'd advise, quite strongly, against this. Language is highly personal and emotional and he needs to feel safe and non-manipulated around it. He'll resent it if he feels forced to 'perform' in his second language.

I can say as a bilingual person this has really never been the case for me - like I said, my mum would only speak to me in her language and expected me to reply the same unless other English speakers (like my dad) were in the room, although I agree with the ‘performance’ aspect. I think being consistent with it is what’s important - talking to you in your native language should feel natural and be the norm. I still only speak to my mum in her native language, speaking to her in English would feel completely weird! Same with my sister - we speak in my mums language when it’s just us although we speak in English when others are around - we also text in English just because it’s easier to write, but would never speak English on the phone (it’s all a bit confusing maybe, and I think unless you are bilingual and have spoken two or more languages from a language acquiring age you can’t really completely understand how it feels or what it is like).

We used the OPOL system to ensure DH and my native languages continued with the DC. We’re all trilingual. DC’s were slow to speak and their English wasn’t great when they started school as they only heard it at nursery and never at home. No long term issues and DD is now doing languages at Uni.

Amiable, my interpretation and practice of OPOL is absolutely not that the children are 'expected' to respond only in that language (just wanted to add that in case anyone thinks that such an expectation is a constituent part of the method).

I think it's important my children have access to the language they need to talk about the thing they need to talk about. I don't want them to feel inhibited to talk about something they need to talk about because they have to speak English to Mum.

I was the child in this situation and the result is that I understand the other language perfectly but speaking it is a struggle. I responded in English because it was easier for me and I was too lazy to put the effort in and not because it felt highly personal and emotional. I know other people who would have liked to learn to speak their parents' language but their parents just didn't bother so I think it's great that you're willing.

I take exception, tbh, to the idea that us not requiring our children to respond in the language we address them in is 'not bothering'.

I only ever speak English to the dc, which has made life quite tricky and uncomfortable for me at times (living in pretty rural areas of east Germany, it does draw attention/stares/comments). I read to the older two each night until they were 13 and nearly 11, in English. We go to the UK, stay with people there, go to a lot of effort to engage them with people and activities locally and slightly less so with/in whom they naturally speak English (e.g. dc1's Portuguese piano teacher). It's working, very well. My youngest's strongest language is English atm and my older two often - not always, but often - choose to speak English with me and even with dh.

is there a saturday school near you?

our issue with dc for some time was that they were basically analphabet in the other language as the school language was very dominant.

My two dcs are teens now and are raised bilingual.
what worked for us is the OPOL method at that age (as they got older, I was a bit more relaxed)
That meant I was only using my mother tongue woth them, even with H around. And despite the fcat he didnt speak my language. I had to make a choice and I chose my dcs on the ground that H could make the effort to learn said language (I kow I would/have).
I always insisted on the dcs to speak on my mother tongue and ensured that they had as mcuh contact with tht language as possible. That means plenty of DVDs in that language, books to rread before going to bed etc....
we didnt have the opportunity for them to go and spend time with the grand parents or family until they were older but thats o think about too (6 weeks summer hols speaking that language only helps!)

Fwiw, I know a few families who are/were in that situation. Most of the hildren speak only a little of the minority language and do wjat your ds is doing. Refusing to speak that language.
I found it has been very hard work to insist they use my language. Consistency was key. And determination.

but now that they are both older teen and can actually speak fluently (with few mistakes) and write the langauge, I think it was worth it.

@Banangana, I have a family member who went to the US as a child. Both parents from my home country but obvioulsy both parents also speaking english.
Very qucikly that child stopped speaking what was their mother tongue and only answered back in english. It was shock to them when they went to their country and had to speak and read/write in their own language!!

The bottom line is that, when you experiment life in one language, its very hard to then talk abot it in another. it reuires a mental gymnastic that isnt easy at all and IS hard work for the children.

I think that when both parents speak one language, like @CatteStreet, you probably have more leeway if they dont answer back in that language all the time. because they will hear quite a lot when they are at home. When the majority language is the one spoken outside home and only by one parent, its a different ball park. And you need to be stricter.

The reality is that it IS hard work. There is no doubt about that,