Any bilingual families - need help encouraging DS to speak second language

[RecoveringChocaholic]

I've been trying to raise our DC bilingual. DS's first language is English, his second language is my mother tongue. We speak English when his dad is around as he doesn't speak my language, but when it is just the two of us I always speak in my native language. He understands me perfectly fine but always responds to me in English. There's the odd non English word thrown in and he is getting better, but never a full sentence.
We read in his second language, watch films, listen to audio stories. He also goes and visits my family 2-3 times a year and Skypes my mum (her speaking my native language, him responding on English).
Any advice on how to encourage him to speak to me in his non - native language? My mum says I should just make him but he point blank refuses.
He's 4 and also has a baby sister who doesn't talk yet.

Language is highly personal and emotional and he needs to feel safe and non-manipulated around it. He'll resent it if he feels forced to 'perform' in his second language.

That hasnt been my experience either with my dcs. Actually, they now tell me off if I speak english to them as apparently 'Its weird when you do that'. Lets forget they can hear me speak english to their dad day in and day out and we regularly have conversations that move from one language to the next wo anyone batting an eye lid

Thank you all for the responses. Wasn't expecting such a lively debate. 😂
There is a playgroup that has just started up again with children his age or slightly younger, so will make an effort to take him there too. It'll be good to have other children around him who speak mummy's language too.
Also good to hear that this is fairly normal. We have a lot of bilingual friends and their simularly aged children all seem to speak their non dominant language (although I can't judge on how well), so I've been worrying that I need to be more insistent. Think I will just keep going for now and hope he picks it up in his own time. I speak four languages fluently but was never brought up bilingual so haven't got any experience in passing on that skill.

my dc tell me off if I speak the other language.
apparently I have a weird accent and am embarrassing

You just have to be stubborn that’s my only advice. I’m not in the UK so English is the minority language. I just speak it to them all the time even tho for years one of my kids would have rathered I spoke the other language cause it was easier for him but I just stuck to English. And now they’re teens they know not to speak anything else to me

So so normal, we're going through the same with my almost 4 year old. What I am trying is to make it relevant and worth his while to speak my language so we are doing a toddler class - ok it's not designed for native speakers but I'm hoping it will make him proud of his other language and see some point in speaking it.

Ours will start to talk back only when in other country. Not in uk, lol.

Our kids are bilingual - we have always stuck to the '1 parent 1 language' thing.

This. The fact that you speak to your DC in English when his father is around is not ideal.

My kid is trilingual, with my mother tongue being her weakest language. Her father's language, English, is much stronger now, because she realized this is what we all speak, and so do many others, as second language. The language of the country where we live is also strong, as that is school language.

When she was little, I spoke to her exclusively in my mother tongue, whether or not my husband got it. She spoke it back to me quite naturally. Now that she's 11, I want my husband to always follow what we say, so I often say it in English for simplicity's sake. That hasn't advanced her prowess in my mother tongue. What has is spending the holidays with my parents in my monolingual homeland.

My first language is Urdu, I only speak to my son in Urdu, even when non-Urdu speakers are around. He speaks English when he talks to most people, but he always speaks to me (and anyone else brown) in Urdu. Although he is slowly catching on that not all brown people speak Urdu!

I personally don’t answer my son if he speaks English, unless he is upset etc.

My H has made it very clear that he doesn't want us speaking in a language he dient understand around him. 🙄 My opinion is that he can learn it if he wanted to, but let's not get into that. It annoys me. Especially as he then proudly proclaims to everyone that his children are bilingual. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I will make more of an effort to encourage him to respond in my native language. He is improving so I do have some hope.

Myriade, sorry if I wasn't quite clear - we do OPOL, dh speaks German (the majority language), very occasionally English (which I discourage), and we actually speak German to each other because that was the context in which we met. This is part of the reason why I never switch to German even where it would be situationally easier (and I am near native level). I have found providing them with as much of the surrounding context of their English/British co-identity as possible has been important. 90% of their books are in English, I talk to them about what's going on in the UK, I have Radio 4 on in the background at home a lot of the time.

And the older ones watch a lot of Top Gear and Grand Tour reruns

What’s your mother tongue btw?

@endofthelinefinally what languages? Sorry I’m just a curious linguist

I won't say specifically on here, but a mix of Asian and European.

*Language is highly personal and emotional and he needs to feel safe and non-manipulated around it. He'll resent it if he feels forced to 'perform' in his second language.

I think this is a bit too emotive and dramatic.*

No it's not. It's really true that if you make a big deal about it it can seriously hinder progress. My earliest memory is my mum screaming at me for not speaking her language. I must have been 3. I still can't speak it, though it's easier to do these days when she isn't around. I understand it fluently though. Isn't that weird? My mum would always 'test' me in front of people and when I wouldn't/couldn't speak would shout at me for not speaking it when other kids could. Even in front of people. I just wanted to hide and run away, always. I actually think I developed selective mutism (and still have it) - I only realised this recently.

I really resent her for not being kind, gentle and just, patient with me when I was little. I've always blamed myself for being stupid for not speaking her language, now I think it was emotional abuse.

So really, your kid will be fine, just don't make it something to ever be "angry" about, or forceful. It will happen in time. Just didn't with me, unfortunately.

This is totally normal. He'll speak when he's ready.

We use the OPOL method but that's because I can speak DH's language, it's much harder if one parent doesn't understand. My kids used to respond to DH in English, then we moved to his country and they started responding in his language, even sometimes did it with me, now we moved again and they switched back to English.

I do have to say, don't sweat the OPOL thing. DH is useless at OPOL and the kids are fine

As a couple of posters have mentioned, emotional factors are massively important in language learning, and if a child associates speaking a language with feeling shame or fear of the reaction of a parent, that will have a huge effect on their future ability in the language. One Parent One Language is a great starting point, but if a child is responding in English it's really unwise to make an issue of it early on.

That being said, OP (I know it's like 7 months on) if you haven't already I would have a serious talk with your patter about his attitude to your native language, and explain the importance of a child receiving consistent input in that language if they are going to be 'bilingual', as he puts it. He can't have his cake and eat it - if he wants to boast about his children's language flexing, he'd better get used to hearing lot of that language around the home as that's the only way they're going to learn it.

Yeah, re-reading your original post, your partner is the issue here, not your son.

Agree about not fixating on OPOL -- we don't use it, none of our bilingual friends have used it. You have to find the way that works best for you.

I know a lot of multilingual people (I live in Berlin) and they all came to this through such different paths. Your son is only 4, you have plenty of time to work on it. The important thing is that he's understanding you and picking up the correct pronunciations from you.

My H has made it very clear that he doesn't want us speaking in a language he dient understand around him. 🙄 My opinion is that he can learn it if he wanted to, but let's not get into that. It annoys me.

Maybe he should have a go at learning it, then.

Just pretend you don’t understand when he speaks in the other language. While he knows you’ll respond anyway, he has no incentive. It won’t take long to get used to the idea.

Ignore the fluff about emotion. Don’t know how that poster imagines children cope when moving country.

My earliest memory is my mum screaming at me for not speaking her language. I must have been 3. I still can't speak it, though it's easier to do these days when she isn't around. I understand it fluently though. Isn't that weird? My mum would always 'test' me in front of people and when I wouldn't/couldn't speak would shout at me for not speaking it when other kids could.

In the nicest possible way, I think you’re projecting and no one is suggesting that the op behaves the way your mother did

You can't force another adult to learn a language. You can encourage it but for some of us, learning a language is extremely difficult, not everyone has the time or ability to make a lot of progress.

The attitude of the OP's husband isn't great but I'd suggest finding a compromise , not just saying he should learn the language too.

As a parent of a tri-lingual teen, I would say op imho that language acquisition isn't always linear ie there can be spurts and moments of stasis while certain elements "sink in". A speaking delay in one language is fairly normal I would say. Bi- or tri-lingual DC often speak later than their monolingual counterparts but that doesn't mean that many neural pathways aren't developing rapidly in your ds's head just because he is refusing to answer in your language currently op. Trust me, he is soaking it all in so try not to worry!

I agree that it a very difficult line to tread when it comes to language learning; not being too strict, maintaining interest and positive associations etc, while at the same time encouraging and supporting learning and (old fashioned that I am) studying the wretched verb drills and grammar. It's hard to get it right all the time.

What I would say is that the earlier the better (as you are doing op) and establish languages solidly , well before adolescence hits and peer pressure looms large and most dc desperately want to fit in with their friends and only speak their language!

Good luck op . You are doing a great job and giving your DC a huge gift! As others have said,, it would be good if you could get your DH on board too!

I was about to ask whether having your language as a family language would be an option, as that worked well for us, but...
My H has made it very clear that he doesn't want us speaking in a language he dient understand around him.
So he's actively getting in the way of your efforts? Shame. Is he around a lot or does that mean the kids are only hearing your language occasionally?

My general tip would be to make your language the fun language - the language in which you sing together, listen to good audiobooks and funny radio shows, watch good films, have insider jokes, play fun games.

You could possibly ask your son if he will help his sister learn your language by talking it with her. I agree with whoever it was above who said that you shouldn't make your language a chore, but you could e.g. try selling it as him being the clever big brother who can show his little sister how to speak X language properly.