Poem about a crime/criminals - does anyone know a good one?

[SpeccieSeccie]

I'm going to a Burns Night and the theme is Crime. Everyone does a turn and, since I can't sing or play an instrument, I reckon I'd be best off with a poem. Does anyone know a good piece? I'd do the one about Bess and the Highwayman but I think it's a bit long.

All suggestions very gratefully received!

What about a Hillare Belloc one - who was it who set fire to things? Rebecca? Or did she slam doors?

Macavity the mystery cat is VG

here

Oooh these are fab suggestions. Thank you all

Macavity has gone! My MIL has taken it, she got in there early on saying that's the only thing she knows.

I'm off to look up Rebecca and Matilda.

Rebbeca slamming doors is hilarious!

I shall search on for Matilda

Or Frankie and Johnny?

You could have a look at William McGonagall - loads of doggerel about Grisly Murders & all sorts. And of course appropriately Scottish.

They're all far too long, but you could do selected verses only (or even redact more radically) & no-one would notice.

I'm very fond of Sir Patrick Spens though that's strictly more Treachery than Crime. Goes down well though. (By the way, that link has the extended version too - you can find shorter ones.)

I love it. I'm printing it off. Fantastic. Thank you!

Bink - McGonagall is inspired! Ideal and in the spirit of the thing. I shall go and have a fish around. Don't know Spens but shall investigate.

I was feeling a bit apprehensive about this Burns thing but now I'm quite looking forward to it.

Razzle in my pocket by Ian Dury - it's a song but could be done as a poem. Would work better if you're a bloke though .

Here's a sample of McGonagall ... (this is half of the poem, the rest goes on to eulogise Parnell)

Richard Pigott, the Forger

Richard Pigott, the forger, was a very bad man,
And to gainsay it there's nobody can,
Because for fifty years he pursued a career of deceit,
And as a forger few men with him could compete.

For by forged letters he tried to accuse Parnell
For the Phoenix Park murders, but mark what befell.
When his conscience smote him he confessed to the fraud,
And the thought thereof no doubt drove him mad.

Then he fled from London without delay,
Knowing he wouldn't be safe there night nor day,
And embarked on board a ship bound for Spain,
Thinking he would escape detection there, but 'twas all in vain.

Because while staying at a hotel in Spain
He appeared to the landlord to be a little insane.
And he noticed he was always seemingly in dread,
Like a person that had committed a murder and afterwards fled.

And when arrested in the hotel he seemed very cool,
Just like an innocent schoolboy going to school.
And he said to the detectives, "Wait until my portmanteau I've got."
And while going for his portmanteau, himself he shot.

So perished Richard Pigott, a forger bold,
Who tried to swear Parnell's life away for the sake of gold,
But the vengeance of God overtook him,
And Parnell's life has been saved, which I consider no sin.

McGonagall in party mode

Just do Gangsta's Paradise

Ballad of Reading Gaol

Oh that HAS to be it. You can't leave out the bit about Home Rule, especially.

www.poetry-online.org/wilde_the_ballad_of_reading_goal.htm

oh - it's very long,isn't it ?!

Mary - quite long but sad! I am known for getting weepy after a few drinks and a sad tale - do we think I'd make it to the end?! It's lovely tho.

This one (as a poem) but with actions?

[FAGIN (spoken)]
You see, Oliver...

[sung] In this life, one thing counts
In the bank, large amounts
I'm afraid these don't grow on trees,
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys,
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
Large amounts don't grow on trees.
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[FAGIN (spoken)]
Let's show Oliver how it's done, shall we, my dears?

[sung] Why should we break our backs
Stupidly paying tax?
Better get some untaxed income
Better to pick-a-pocket or two.

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
Why should we all break our backs?
Better pick-a-pocket or two.

[FAGIN (spoken)]
Who says crime doesn't pay?

[sung] Robin Hood, what a crook!
Gave away, what he took.
Charity's fine, subscribe to mine.
Get out and pick-a-pocket or two

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
Robin Hood was far too good
He had to pick-a-pocket or two.

[FAGIN]
Take a tip from Bill Sikes
He can whip what he likes.
I recall, he started small
He had to pick-a-pocket or two.

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
We can be like old Bill Sikes
If we pick-a-pocket or two.

[FAGIN (spoken)]
Stop thief!

Dear old gent passing by
Something nice takes his eye
Everything's clear, attack the rear
Get in and pick-a-pocket or two.

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
Have no fear, attack the rear
Get in and pick-a-pocket or two.

[FAGIN]
When I see someone rich,
Both my thumbs start to itch
Only to find some peace of mind
We have to pick-a-pocket or two.

You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.

[BOYS]
Just to find some peace of mind

[FAGIN AND BOYS]
We have to pick-a-pocket or two!

I was also thinking of the one John Betjeman wrote about Oscar Wilde being arrested at the Cadogan Hotel...

Slouchy - I'm guessing your a natural performer! I wonder if I could carry that off? Hmmmmm. It would be good. I'll need to find an urchin I can pay a ha'penny to act alongside me.

Another thing I love, but it would be best sung (it's an easy rollicky tune, & almost better not sung very well) is Noel Coward's Three Juvenile Delinquents - I think you can probably find it on the web to listen to.

Best of all if you can rope in a couple of conspirators & do it ensemble.