Poetry Workshop/Exercise 5

[Janstar]

By popular demand (popsycal) here is exercise 5.

Poems do not need to contain metaphors in order to be good. However, metaphors are often used in poetry and can make a good poem much better.

A metaphor is description which is imaginatively but not literally representative of that which it describes. It may be personification of an inanimate object, for example.

The following is an example:

Digging for Gold

Monday Morning
the suits conglomerate.
Home counties
merge osmotically
into square mile.
All carry tools.
Laptops wedged in
standing room only.
Phones ringing
in sardine cans.
Springs for queue-jumping.
Ropes for climbing.
Knives for back-stabbing.
Drugs for stress.
Picks and shovels
intended for gold-digging
form holes
into which they fall.

As we all know, city white-collar workers do not carry picks and shovels to work. These are used as metaphors - they are gold-digging after all.

Try writing a poem which contains a metaphor.

this poem is fantastic janstar!

I should have kept my big mouth shut!
LOL!!

I may be some time....

gold digging

older man
looks rich
easy catch
loves my style
easy taget
here we go
life is easy now

sorry never read it was metaphors just thought it was write a poem on gold digging, your is brill janstar (how to make yourself look stoopid in 1 easy lesson by me)

Ahem...Let's start again shall we?

is there a topic for it janstar or just whatever you fancy?
i love personification!

No topic...personify away!

Would you like more topics? I have years and years of them stored away from my fantastic tutor.

They are brilliant for getting you thinking.

WAHEY!

I have an idea! That is all I have yet though! lol

'The birth of a poem'

A germ of an idea,
By meiosis. grows
Exponentially.

From the first embryonic stage,
The ache of frustration grips
Unintentionally.

Motivation contracts,
Yet returns with renewed
Vitality.

A break through in waves,
Flooding the page with
Finality.

The throes of instinct reign
Pushing forth your creation.

Care and nurture invested within
Become your inspiration.

Barriers to your destination
Controlled by an iron fist.

Pleasure and pain, though opposites,
Can co-exist.

(draft one - written in bed last night......)

the dupble space between third and fourth stanza is not meant to be there!

DOUBLE SPACE EVEN!!!

lol!

Hi Popsy...

They do say that when a poet can't think of anything to to write about they write about writing!

I see your metaphor as the creation of a new life talked about in the same vein as writing a poem. In the beginning you have some rhythm and a kind of pattern to the structure of each stanza, ending with the one word, but this pattern does not continue. It easily could, with a little editing.

Instead of 'pushing forth your creation', why not just say, 'creatively'. Instead of 'become your inspiration', just say, 'inspirationally'. etc.

I think you could also lose some of the 'the's, which don't add anything. Pare it down slightly.

I'm not sure about the last two stanzas, I see you have made a rhyme at the end which sounds good. But I wonder where those lines really fit in with the rest of the poem. The reference to an iron fist confused me - what is this iron fist and what is it to do with the metaphor of an embryonic progression?

The last lines about pain and pleasure seemed over the top and unconnected with the rest of the poem.

Finally I would like to know what you were doing in bed last night that put you in mind of cell division and dna?

lol jan!!
haha
i agree entirely, as always, with your comments!

thanks again for your input!

off to redraft - especially the second part!

right - second draft.....need 2 more stanzas.....but leaving it for a bit...brain not functioning very well!!!

The germ of an idea,
By meiosis. grows
Exponentially.

From an embryonic stage,
Frustration aches and grips
Unintentionally.

Motivation contracts,
Yet returns with renewed
Vitality.

Break throughs in waves,
Flooding pages with
Finality.

Instinct reigns
Pushing forth with
Urgency.

Seizing control,
Yielding
Resurgency.

(and in answer to you very cheeky question, Starlady , I was sitting alone in bed!)

Oh yes! That's much better. This poem now has a shape and rhythm. The metaphor runs all the way though. The words are concise, without surplus baggage.

In the final stanza you use the word 'yielding alongside 'seizing' and 'resurgency'. This seems a little conflicting to me and I wondered if that was deliberate? Is there a meaning there that I didn't get?

Oh and are you going to give it a title?

And why is there a full stop after meiosis?

erm......
supposed to link back to the insticnt thingy in the previous stanza.......

instinct seizes control....
erm....

resurgence which yields something (poem/baby etc)
need to make it a little more obvious.....

also thinking of 2 more stanzas to make the poem feel finished but struggling....

full stop is an error!
lol

Birth of a poem

or the birth of a poem

or birth of the poem

or the labour of poetry

all sound a little contrived....

I'll leave you to decide about that then while I have a shower

'Birth of the poem'

A germ of an idea,
By meiosis, grows
Exponentially.

From an embryonic stage,
Frustration aches and grips
Unintentionally.

Motivation contracts,
Yet returns with renewed
Vitality.

Break throughs in waves,
Flooding pages with
Finality.

Instinct reigns
Pushing forth with
Urgency.

Seizing control,
The final
Resurgency.

Labour delivers
New dreams to
Fruition.

A passion unbridled:
The poet?s
Intuition.

there!

Ummm...

Didn't play pool this afternoon, friend took me to a lovely country pub. Been drinking wine in the sun all afternoon.

I'll reserve judgment till I have a brain intact again!! Although I will say that at this stage the poem looks fine!