Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Victims of crime

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. For free advice contact Victim Support.https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Original poster

I was raped by my boss and I don’t know how to respond

59 replies

bpriceI · 27/04/2023 20:10

Hi all,

firstly I’m sorry for airing this hear - I’m hoping that writing it will be some what cathartic but I’m aware it’s 99% not the right outlet for it.

I work for a small start up, I got an intro to the job as my partner knows the owner and founder - we live in a relatively small area and he’s (the boss) is very well liked and respected by most.

having known him personally our working relationship has always been ok - but it’s always been that, a working relation and at a push a casual friendship.

Following a client event this week, we walked home together as sickeningly - “he didn’t want me to walk through a park alone”. Just before we left the park he stopped. We’d been casually chatting before. And asked me what I think about affairs (we had a couple fired for a public affair and extortion fairly recently). I of course told him they were wrong - and then he kissed me.

He kissed me and I didn’t see I coming (at no point have I even thought about what he looks like). He walked me into the bushes, and proceeded to have sex with me. At no point did he hold me down but I equally didn’t run. I worried that he would fire me if I wasn’t seeming like I liked it enough - it’s almost like I helped him, while tears streamed down my face in a bush in a park. When he was finished we walked home and he tried to make casual conversation that he hoped not to see any baby look alikes in the area.

I walked home, stripped off my clothes and washed the dirt from under my nails. I sexually pleased my partner because we had made plans to earlier in the day. And now I’m questioning if I did this. Am I over reacting? And what the f* do I do now

OP posts:
Jonei · 27/04/2023 21:37

I'm so sorry. 😢 Please find the strength to take this further. I can't see how you can go back there safely.

BartsLongLostBro · 27/04/2023 21:39

It is not your fault. You did not lead him on. You froze and complied to stay safe - you protectes yourself. You did not deserve this and this is Not OK.

I can see you have financial pressures but I am not sure continuing to work there is healthy, realistic or sustainable. Poor you.

azlazee1 · 27/04/2023 21:39

Quit your job. He may think you were ok with this and expect more. If DP asks why, tell him the truth. Sounds easy on paper, I know, but your life going forward will be better if you are truthful about it now.

Original poster
bpriceI · 27/04/2023 21:39

I’m in the UK

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/04/2023 21:42

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

I doubt this is the first time that he has behaved like this and I doubt it will be the last sadly.

You did the right thing by going to SARC and I think that your denial about the future is normal.
He has caused any future problems not you. If he loses his family and business he did that, not you. If your partner confronts him that’s on your boss, not you.
I would imagine that he knows that you would be worried about his family, business etc because you are nice. He thinks he can get away with it.

You don’t have to rush into anything. Take some time off work to recover and think about what you do next.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to?

StrongTea · 27/04/2023 21:42

Sorry this has happened to you. Go to the police, suspect he has done this before. Did someone else have your job previously? If so, be interesting to find out why they left.

ChateauMargaux · 27/04/2023 21:44

I am sorry this horrible thing has happened to you. We believe you and so will other people. You have no responsibilities to anyone else in this apart from to yourself. Get whatever support you find useful to you now and in the days and weeks to come. We will be here for you. Well done for going to SARC, for writing this all down and for telling us.

Original poster
bpriceI · 27/04/2023 21:44

Not in the nearby area - my sister knows but she has a) had her own assault and b) is a long way from me

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 27/04/2023 21:45

dam.. need an edit button - this hasn't happened to you, it was done to you.. he was wrong and you did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault.

Malificent1 · 27/04/2023 21:45

This isn’t your fault, and you didn’t help him. You kept yourself safe in a very frightening and dangerous situation. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please find the strength to leave your job as soon as you possibly can. You aren’t safe there.

Smineusername · 27/04/2023 21:49

God bless you.

First I would seek support from rape crisis. Second I would try to figure out a way for you to have a counsellor, women's aid or other expert present when you disclose to your husband, because someone who is not informed about how these things work (husband, presumably) is quite naturally going to have a bunch of questions that could be very traumatising for you and I would try to prepare yourself for that and defend yourself against it as best you can. It is so so important to be believed and I do believe you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I would bring the bastard down. But see to yourself first.

ejbaxa · 27/04/2023 21:49

I’m sorry to advise this, but I don’t recommend going to the police. I’ve just been on a trial for a similar crime - if it ever gets to court the defence will spout all sorts of filthy lies about you. They’ll suggest you wanted it, you consented and changed your mind because you were cheating on your partner - any shit they can think of. It’ll take so long to get to court (years) that the police officer dealing with you will probably have left their job. And then he won’t be found guilty. It’s a disgusting situation - but your best way to get over this is to leave the police/courts out of it.

Not sure what to advise re your partner. But I am pretty certain that our justice system doesn’t provide any justice.

Kendodd · 27/04/2023 21:53

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

Going against the grain, personally, and being realistic, I wouldn't bother going to the police. What's the fucking point. Your chances of getting this man convicted are so tiny, and the additional trauma the process would put you through just doesn't seem worth it. It would end up him painted as the victim and you as a liar. I could cry with the injustice for you. It shouldn't be like this.

You can't stay in your job though, I wouldn't go back at all if I was you. Contacting rape crisis is really good advice. See what they say.

sweetdreamstenasee · 27/04/2023 21:56

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Do you feel safe enough / have a good enough relationship with your partner to tell him?

It’s bound to be a difficult conversation but it might help to deal with it together.

Could you say
‘I’m going to tell you something that’s going to be really shocking and you will probably want to end up hurting someone but for the sake of child, I think it’s really important I just tell you what happened and we remain calm ‘

mommatoone · 27/04/2023 21:57

OP so sorry this happend to you. Please report this. From his cock sure attitude, i fear you are not the first person he has done this to. Take care of yourself x

sweetdreamstenasee · 27/04/2023 21:58

posting again to say the other poster who recommended having an expert present.

Summer2424 · 27/04/2023 22:00

Hi @bpriceI i'm so sorry you have gone through this. It's not right at all that he has done this. Sending you lots of strength to get through this time.

CarrotCake01 · 27/04/2023 22:02

No job is worth the ongoing misery this will cause you. There will be other jobs, please keep your distance from this man.

You deserve to be able to move past this and not have to face him on a daily basis. He doesn't seem to think he did a lot wrong judging by his casual approach to the whole scenario so continuing to work with him may put you in harms way.

I think you do need to speak to your OH too and somehow let him know what happened. Don't give a second thought about your boss and his circumstances, this scenario was brought on by him. Your priority has to be you and your family.

You've got this, honestly.

muddlingthrou · 27/04/2023 22:03

I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. I guarantee you he knew he was raping you - just because you didn't fight back doesn't mean you consented. He took advantage of the power differential. You need to make whatever decisions work best for you. Sending you lots of love xxx

Whaeanui · 27/04/2023 22:04

I’m so sorry to read this and that you went through something so awful. I hope you know from reading all these replies it was not your fault and that you did nothing wrong. I hope you know where to go if you need help or that someone here will advise you, but I just wanted to say that you should do whatever feels right for you. What you can cope with. I would encourage you to find a way to tell your partner but I do understand your worries too. I feel so bad for you, it’s a horrible situation.

pimplebum · 27/04/2023 22:11

You have been raped and by a rapist who has done this before and will continue to do this unless he is stopped
Your actions and reaction are completely normal and sadly the rape you described has s typical of a lot of rapes , the fact you were going home to a partner would have given him a thrill and the cool chit chat after was just his way of proving his control tac tics to himself . I bet he planned this all evening
I am so sorry
Please go to the police

DivorcingEU · 27/04/2023 22:14

You are not to blame.

You are not even remotely responsible if he does it again.

I'm really impressed you went to SARC.

Agree about expert present when telling DP.

What an utter shite that man is.

Get signed off work to buy yourself time. The stress of being in the office with him, regardless of who is around, is far too much for anybody to handle after what he's done to you. No GP would tell you you are making the stress up! This is like 0-100 on the burnout scale.

pimplebum · 27/04/2023 22:14

What advice would you give a friend hon
((( hug)))

DivorcingEU · 27/04/2023 22:14

*buy yourself time and to look for another job.

Truestorypeeps · 27/04/2023 22:20

So sorry OP, that is horrendous. Rape is up there with murder and child abuse. It's abhorrent. That POS has probably justified it as OK as he wasn't pushed away. I can imagine how easy it would be to freeze in such circumstances.

Swipe left for the next trending thread