Please help coercive control

[rmummyofone]

Has anyone reported it and gotten far?

I've left now, he divorced me out of the shame of not wanting to change his ways.

I'm completely heartbroken & don't understand why I miss someone so toxic for me. It's his birthday today I suppose I'm remember the last 5 I had spent with him.

We met when we were 18/20. He was every green flag and more, things were great. He'd support my dreams and goals etc too. After we got married he changed. I'm Muslim, he wanted me to cover my face and when I'd say no he'd argue with me so much and so aggressively (not physically) that I eventually gave in and just stopped. I fell pregnant soon into the marriage, he cheated on me while pregnant (of course with girls online who we're definitely not covered) he manipulated me using religion to make me wear it, I have some screenshots of texts with these arguments.

After that he became coercive with sex. I didn't recognise this at the time, he'd use religion to pressure me into it, saying he loves me so much he just wants more babies with me so no need for contraception. I pushed and did go on one which sadly didn't agree with me well at all so stopped. His online cheating continued and I grew more and more empty. I could only have a job if he approved of it, (like teaching at the mosque part time) financially I was dependent on him so couldn't afford to learn to drive either. When my friend would come round he'd always sit with us. When his friends would come over I'd have to leave the house and go to a neighbour.

I have evidence of him texting me religious scripture to manipulate me into feeling guilty for rejecting sex, our relationship didn't make me feel emotionally connected or safe which I now recognise is why I had such a low sex drive, he would make me feel like I'm punishing him. I have a video where he's pestering me about having another baby and he's saying "you always have an excuse" "you keep denying me" "you delay it every month"

I have screenshots of texts where he's making me feel bad if I say I don't want to cover by saying "I don't want to be here anymore" "what face will I have to show outside" "I'm so ashamed" I never promised I'd wear it I just said I'd try. I have texts where he's saying "this is about that stupid job isnt it"

I have friends who noticed me distance. He was good with my family he always put an act on around them, showing the guy I fell for so I loved being around him around my family. The only thing my mum noticed is I used to hardly call or text her. But in person would be fine so she wouldn't question it.

I mentioned I went for counselling last summer as I truly believed my low sex drive was my fault. Counsellor noticed some controlling behaviour and tried to intervene with finances to which he didn't take heed. Neither could I have support with the contraception issue.

I posted on here last year about feeling the pressure to have a baby, I don't know if that counts as evidence? I did give in and fell pregnant in Jan this year and lost the baby in March, after March he changed. He started going out a lot lot more while I'd be home with the baby, who's now 2.5. He'd be on the phone til 3am, whenever I'd go downstairs he'd pretend to be asleep, I found certain contacts on his phone escorts etc. At that point he started giving me silent treatment anytime I'd approach a counsellor for help or my family. Even his own family tried to support me he took no heed.

In July this year he coerced me into sex with him one night distracting me from something I found on his phone I couldn't say no as I knew it would cause a huge argument

Neighbours noticed me not leaving the house much and losing weight rapidly.

He would threaten me saying he has inappropriate videos of me on his phone and he will "out" me to my uncle and dad. Disgracing me. I don't think I ate for 3 weeks at all, I couldn't look after the house as well as usual to which he took pics and humiliated me for it sending to my uncle that we live in a pinstigh when in reality I was suffering so much mentally.

August 4th I left but still wasn't aware this was abusive behaviour.. I have reported this but I feel afraid I don't have enough proof.

@rmummyofone
There are so many things we didn’t realise at the time, that's the tragedy of it. Yet once you know, it becomes like a language you hadn’t been able to understand before and now you suddenly go from confusion to comprehension, though that is a shock then. Feeling the disgust is very healing, it helps to feel and strengthen your boundaries.

I am sorry you’ve not had much encouragement re. the police, though I’m not surprised. I could imagine the disinterest is exacerbated by lack of funding. I know not everyone is an activist, but instigating change in society is always a struggle and needs a lot of grass roots activity. Perhaps there are FB groups out there who want to draw attention to this? I am intending to become more active once I am free as it is just beyond disgusting that women are still suffering at the hands of men in just the same way as 200 years ago!

Thank you for your prayers for me, that is so kind of you. I have four pets so I couldn't leave them but I am working towards financial independence. I have days when I can feel that life of freedom so close, and others when I feel the obstacles are insurmountable. But every new day is bringing me closer.

@Sunshine275 I'm glad you were able to prove it in family court they require less evidence compared to criminal court. Did you get full custody of your child(ren)

@Pinkylilac in case nobody has told you I'm proud of you.

I miss my abuser a lot today. How strange is it to type that. I feel feelings of dispair. Like my life is over now and I await a better afterlife. I feel a deep sense of dread but I am aware this is just a feeling, my life is just beginning now.

I am just afraid of being alone, the feeling of being lonely consumes me. It's not as lonely as I was in that relationship though.

That's a low I wouldn't even wish on my abuser.

Yes, my ex wanted access only. And after two years he’s been allowed supervised. It isn’t the the end though he’s fighting for unsupervised and overnight stays. I’m just doing everything I can to protect my child. The courts have seen him for exactly how he is, unfortunately with the on going “contact at all cost” approach means they’re limited to what they can go and how far they can take it, unfortunately a psychological report on him, even with his personality disorder diagnosis and claiming he still posed a risk to her and me she still recommended contact happening between them both. She clearly if of a very old school approach.

@Sunshine275 the system is so messed.

I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope the legal fees aren't a lot on you?

My ex will fight for overnight stays but that's something I absolutely cannot allow.

Unfortunately we’re at problem £50k it’s taken everything and more.

Unsupervised and overnights terrify me, my child made allegations against my ex that in family court I couldn’t prove, she was too little to be listened to, I know what he did was true and that’s been the hardest part knowing he’s got away with what he’s done to get.

@Sunshine275 that's absolutely disgusting. The system is a MESS. Record anything she says, diaries pictures or drawings of what's happened.

I'm so so sorry for this.

I've agreed to a childcare plan where he's supervised at my ex in laws with my child a few hours on a Sunday. I don't want to allow more. However he can appeal whenever he pleases and push for much more should he want to.

Such a long, draining, financially and emotionally draining process.

If only I could turn back time and had never met him at all.

@rmummyofone thank you for the compliment, I am trying to keep in mind how far I have come, so I suppose you are right and I should be proud of myself.

I am so sorry you are having a low moment. It is natural, you still have a lot to process emotionally and it hasn't been that long. Maybe you want to try how it feels to rephrase "missing my abuser" to "missing the dream partner I long for"? It sounds to me like a bit of negative self-programming to be telling yourself you are missing an abuser - no?

It is only human not to want to be alone, and especially so young. It is natural to be seeking a person to build up a life with too, so you are entitled to feel like that. Just try not to connect those feelings with a person who can never make you happy!

I had a look at some of the videos of Dr Ramani. What an absolutely beautiful person inside and out! I saw she has some on feeling lonely after separating from a narcissist, perhaps they might help?

@Pinkylilac yes will definitely get on YouTube to watch those. She's amazing!!

And yes I think you're absolutely right the terminology isn't right, I miss a version of him I'm romanticising in my head. Him coming to me with a sincere apology, a hug and kiss, bringing me back to our "home"
Selling myself a false reality isn't healthy

Will definitely look into those videos

You are so kind for taking the time out to respond to me you know it means a lot. A LOT.

Do you have children?

@rmummyofone Dr Ramani feels like someone I would love to have as a friend, she has something very gently motherly about her too, and is very spot on about narcs, I really hope you find some videos which help you move on and into greater clarity.

I am not a mother, I tried for many years but it didn't work out and I didn't feel right about forcing it with IVF. I am not against other people's use of it, but for me personally I preferred to trust that God had a reason for calling my babies to him before they were born. It has been a very tough fate to digest though.

I was a step-mom to my husband's children, they were the happiest years of my life. They were such adorable sweethearts and I am deeply grateful for that time. They have no contact with their father now though.

I would not usually have so much time to answer, but I am a little ill in bed today. I am being cuddled to within an inch of my life by one of my cats and trying to feel better fast, LOL!

I like listening to audiobooks on Scribd when I feel lonely, btw. Do you know it? I can do cooking or whatever at the same time and the feeling of loneliness goes away whilst listening. There are some great novels on there.

OP lots of support and helpful suggestions here, i only wanted to add the following-
try and find the Freedom Programme locally, you will find it really helpful. There is an online version you can do but in person is better as you get to hear other's experiences and the solidarity and support can be really helpful.
the muslim women's network has a lot of advice, including from Islamic scholars on things like domestic abuse, they also have a helpline

@StillWeRise I would love to attend the freedom
Programme in person I'm not sure if my local town will allow that.

I will 100% check that helpline out it looks like exactly what I need as most of my abuse was centred around religion. Even now I feel guilty pressing any possible charges as 1) I don't want to ruin his life 2) I feel ill be sinful as everything he said he was doing was in my best interest for my spiritual journey..

@Pinkylilac you sound like you have such a lovely soul. I loved reading before my abuser. I do want to get back into it I find a lot of romance novels triggering at the moment so I'm avoiding it.

Dr Ramani is wonderful! I've been enjoying the videos in tiktok the skits are so relatable. They make me feel normal. While I don't want to label my ex as a narc it is kind of comforting to see the cycle of abuse I experienced was not just in my head.

Have you listened to any podcasts? "I missed me" is supposed to me a good one I've been considering listening to it.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php
OP you can search here or a local freedom programme course

@StillWeRise thank you

My local DV charity enrolled me online for it a few weeks ago

thank you for the compliment!

I know what you mean about romance stories being triggering. On the other hand it makes it all the more obvious just how wrong the relationship was, don't you think? My go to for entertainment if in doubt are old Cary Grant films. One of my most favourite is "I was a male war bride", it never fails to make me laugh.

FWIW, I was also very reluctant to pin a label onto my husband and needed a long time to realise he really is a narc. I think after all the fog and confusion, it is natural to need time to find what your own truth really is.

Whilst reading the responses here regarding coercive control it has become so clear to me just how much of a "thing" it really is. Sharing is so good! I was a bit creeped out for a bit, but now I've decided life is too short and precious to waste feeling frozen in fear, so I'm going to be channelling my inner teenager if I feel the need, but I will not let myself be held down any more.

sorry, forgot to say, I haven't listened to the podcasts, only YT

@Pinkylilac so proud of you. As you should.

Yes I suppose it is a lot more well known now, unfortunately though it's well known it's extremely hard to prove.

I've reported but no charges have been made onto my ex.

I missed me.
I'm 7 years on and that title made me cry.

@coodawoodashooda proud of you. 7 years?!

It's a great podcast so far. There are tons more. Tiktok is really good too. The skits on narcs are so relatable.

Some things you may find useful:

Verse 4:34 of the Qur’an is often used to justify domestic violence.
However, there are many verses in Qur’an which clearly indicate that
the relationship between partners should be based on mutual respect
and kindness. Significantly, in the prophet’s last sermon (Khutbatul
Wada') he urges ‘be kind to women—you have rights over your wives,
and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed
helpers.’ Other verses suggest that oppression or ill treatment of
women is not to be tolerated, for example Hadith Qudsi 17 states ‘O
My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it
forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.’ (Hadith Qudsi
related by Muslim, Rrimidhi and Ibn Majah).

In verse 30:21 the Qur’an states ‘Among His proofs is that He created
for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquillity
and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love
and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for
people who think.’

There's also this:
An Islamic Perspective on Violence Against Women

and this:

Faith & Communities Programme

@AnnieKenney that's really helpful thank you ❤️

@rmummyofone I wish you every success with your charges, they are undoubtedly justified and every grain of sand will add to make a mountain which can eventually no longer be ignored.

I was actually just thinking of you and going to write today anyway, because I have found a website which has helped me immensely. I can't understand why it's never turned up in google searches before, it would have changed my life had I found it sooner.
If you scroll down from this page, it tells you where to start:
www.chumplady.com
It is good to read those pages as Chump Lady has coined some brilliant new vocabulary to describe things we experience with manipulators and cheaters.

It really is the most wonderful thing ever for getting your mind out of the fog and confusion. As you read through the posts, after a while you see the most stunning likenesses to your experiences.

I didn't read any regarding Muslims yet, though plenty where religion was being used in the wrong context, but I wouldn't be put off, I think if you are able to gain more clarity you will be able to see for yourself then what your own truth is, so you can have peace of mind, although I do not doubt that you have always been a good Muslim wife and mother. (I can't imagine your ex is also writing on forums somewhere whilst he examines his conscience LOL!)
The messing with our heads makes us doubt ourselves terribly, but ChumpLady put an end to that with me within a day or two. Not to mention she is often absolutely hilarious. It is such a blessing to be able to actually laugh - at all - but especially about things which have caused me endless years of sadness.
And ... I have now told my husband that I wish to live alone from now on, and that he must move out. He is obviously not best pleased, and after an initial offended withdrawal he then started with the love-bombing. However, I am now aware of what is going on and will not be moved.

I will give him until the end of November to move out and if he doesn't, I'll change the locks and put his stuff in storage. I can do that legally as only I am on the rent contract.
I do not have a job or income, but I had such rows with him last weekend because he keeps me so short on household money, yet I helped him out of debt a few months ago and now he's neither repaying nor giving me enough for pet food etc, so I just blew up. The final straw was to discover he's been lying to the landlord and landlady - and me - for months about paying the rent and electricity. So we are really behind. He was telling them he didn't have the money, and me that he'd been paying. Where the money has gone is anyone's guess. He made me look dishonourable to my landlord and landlady, which is not only awful, it especially upsets me as they are such good people and don't deserve it.
It was just the final straw to prove that the dramas will clearly never end with such total lack of conscience and morals, and he's already had just about every penny I had so I need to get him out now whilst I still can. Even if I have to eat grass, I'd rather do that than have his poisonous presence in my life. I spoke with my local priest and he was in total agreement once he'd heard some of the stories (eyebrows up to the hairline, LOL!)

I woke up the next morning after I'd told my STBXH and for the first time in many years I could look out of the window at God's beautiful creation and feel peace and gratitude in my heart. It was wonderful! I truly wish for you to also reach that inner peace again.

I have been in your situation and it's absolutely soul destroying to be both terrified of someone but conversely feel like they are almost only the one you feel safe with. It's a form of stockholm syndrome where the person in danger bonds with the person as a way of trying to stay safe and believing that if they are friendly and affectionate the abuser will be less likely to harm them. I'm so sorry you've been going through the same. It's so horribly confusing and scary . Stay strong xxx