Help

[Broken11Girl]

I did bad things.
I am a convicted criminal. The worst thing you can be, according to normal society which I am not a part of.
I don't do anything. Go on here. Watch tv. Go to the shop occasionally. I didn't have wet food in for my lovely cat yesterday but didn't even manage to get out to a shop. I sleep, eat, repeat. I don't wash, I am a dirty evil criminal so deserve to be dirty. I'm tainted. I can't ever be normal or clean.
My family always hated me, my 'sisters' always preferred each other and ignored me and don't care I exist. My parents were emotionally abusive, toxic. I was bullied throughout school and afterwards. I attract it, people can sense I'm a freak.
I was so terrified by the police when going through it, they intimidated and then laughed at me, I was told I was just attention-seeking and not really suicidal, they ignored my mental health problems, I was punished for self-harming,literally mocked eg calked hysterical, the 'nurse' ?mocked me and they all ssid such awful things about me, it was torture, I get flashbacks and panic if I see police. Very powerful people hate me in this town I can't leave. MH services and police want me dead. I almost wish police would just come for me. I am scum and deserve to be in prison, but I couldn't cope, so would end my life there,
I couldn't cope with the you know getting out of bed, washed let alone find the energy to socialise, my friends are all over the country but none where I am currently and I have a housing association flat so can't move, I see no-one let alone have a partner, I'm a freak with abnormalities anyway and self-harm scars so who would want that? I have medical issues that mean I am unlikely to conceive, signed up here when trying, but had a miscarriage and that relationship broke down.
I am blacklisted by services and black marked on systems as evil. I have MH issues. MH services hate me, think I am evil, there are lies about me in my notes. ,SS will see all this and would remove any child anyway. Let alone let me foster or adopt. I am on the scrapheap. I am mid 30s snd haven't worked in years due to MH. I wish I could work with other people who are going through mh issues one day, but, criminal record. I must deserve this for being evil. I amserving a life sentence and I can't, I don't think I can go on. What future do I have. Don't panic btw I didn't say I am about to do anything immediately. I can't see what I have to live for though. My cat is basically the only thing keeping me going, how pathetic is that. I don't know why I'm posting but I can't bear this.

Hi, i didnt want you to feel ignored on this. Most of all you sound very sad. Sad and hurting deeply. Theres a lot to read on your post and im glad to see you still at least have some hope,however small, in the form of your furbaby. I dont underestimate how much she will mean to you. Is there anything by way of online MH help or forums or counselling you could access? Im sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time.

A cat is a lot to life for- mine got me through some very dark moments. She was a reason to wake up each day

Can you try one thing at a time- maybe record it in a diary so you can look back and see what you have achieved. For today- have a shower, and go and buy some cat food.

That’s it. Once it’s done you can come back home, and watch tv and go on MN.

There is hope but you have to believe it yourself and believe in yourself. Can you see your GP? Are you able access counselling? Or maybe ring the Samaritans?

Thank you both
Belladonna yes I go on some MH forums and sometimes text the Samaritans. These help a bit but I need to talk to someone irl, and not mh services who are just patronising...don't think I can afford private therapy, meaning to have a look.
SillyMoomin good idea. I will try to shower and get cat food (she has some dry so isn't starving btw, please no-one worry). Will report back.

Also, as you’ve mentioned you have a fluff-ball, you know it’s MN law to post a photo of her ;)

Hi Broken11Girl,
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Broken11Girl, we do hope things take a turn for the better soon - a shower is a great first step.

Your dcat values you op, lots of us do bad things but still deserve a fresh start.

I'm so sorry you feel this way I have my to but I tried different tablets till I got the right one so go to doctor first then stop saying u deserve to be In prison if u commited crime and went to prison you are out now so therefore you took ure punishment urd not evil ure just about fucked up right now well done for writing that all down some won't take the time to read it all but it screams of how unwell u are and u need to seek help from the doctor if u don't trust SW or mh team then don't contact them u need some positive stuff u have a roof over ure head and u have ure cat who u love and gives u comfort start a new day different force ureself to get a bath u will be amazed at how good u will feel get dressed nice and go out a walk police can't do anything for walking on street and if they stop u u give them ure name address d.o.b u don't need to give them anything else tell them to speak to ure lawyer u need to build ure confidence yeah u have scares wear them proudly it happened at a low point in ure life and it's no one's business if they see them try ask doctor for a support group message me I will give u my number I'll help u I'll be your friend xx