Anyone willing to provide some feedback on the begin of my book?

[goodsapphic]

So I started writing something but I have difficulty seeing things that I create objectively. I don't have much self-confidence but I would like to publish a book someday and I am wondering if you think this is good enough and I should carry on, or if it is terrible and I should stop right now. I'll type the first 1000 words below if anyone is willing to critique it. TIA.

Oops. The title should say beginning.

Yeh I will. Bored at childs club.

Hang on 1000 words? That's a lot!

Okay, I'll send the first 500 words then. Here it is:

I sit down on the hard, lumpy bed and stare at the blank wall opposite me. My watch says it is 11:50, ten minutes until my trial. Ten minutes until I know my fate. Prison for a few more years or freedom. I know why I am on trial. I know what they think I did. I just don’t know why they think I did it.

It all started three months ago. I have been awaiting my trial for three months. Three months spent contained in these four walls. Or rather, three months lost to my cell. The prospect of any more time spent here seems tragic.

It was a cold day in December. I remember it to be snowing, deep heavy snow which has not been the case around here for years. I put my coat and boots on and kissed my wife goodbye, waved to the children. I promised little Joe that I would be back by dinner. That promise would be broken. I remember thinking of how upset he would have been to see me missing as I was taken into custody.

I don’t remember exactly what happened that day. Most of it was a blur. I went to work at my office as usual. Although I had to walk instead of my usual cycle. Did my usual work as a secretary. No big deal. Everything went smoothly. On my way home, I decided to get a coffee. This was something I frequently did, not something I thought much of.

I trudged through the snow, my feet sinking deeper into the white, crunchy stuff with each subsequent step I took. The snow was slowing, every step taking ten times more effort than usual, the heavy snow boots were not helping my speed. By the time I got to the coffee shop, a shop I usually cycled with ease to from my place of work, I was thoroughly exhausted.

I stepped inside, taking the snow with me. There was no doormat, so the snow slipped fast off my feet and onto the floor. I took my place at the back of the queue; my order was already firmly inside my head. Memorised. I had done this same trip about a thousand times. There was no way anything could have gone wrong.

Then I heard it. It came from outside. A woman screaming. I rushed outside to see what had happened. There was a woman on the floor, her head was bleeding profusely. She was alive but she couldn’t get out of the snow.

I came over and tried to help the woman up. She was heavy and I was too weak to hold her. I asked a man stood by to help, there were many people who had come to see what the noise was, the man agreed. We helped the lady to her feet and took her inside to warm up, whilst we called the ambulance for her.

The cliffhanger started at 1000 words but yes, I can see now that it would be a very long post whoops.

I have no experience or qualifications in publishing but I do like to read so I'll give it a whirl.

Or I guess I could have just a google doc rather than a typed message. My brain doesn't seem to be working today.

It's OK. Sentences bit short. Feels like you are copying someone else's style?
Do the next 500.

Yes I think there are too many short sentences and it's a bit corny "said goodbye to little joe"

But I like the gist of the idea?

Thanks, I'll bear the sentence length in mind. Here's the next 500.

Me and the man asked her what happened to her. She said she didn’t know. She thought she was attacked, hit across the head and pushed into the snow. She remembered she saw her assailant go into either the coffee shop, or the fish and chip shop. Great, I thought, I was the last one in the coffee shop, and I obviously didn’t do it, there was only one possible suspect, the last person into the fish and chip shop.

When the ambulance and police turned up, they questioned the woman. She told them the same thing that she had told us. An officer walked up to the counter and began talking quietly to the barista. I could see them looking and pointing at me. I could not hear what they were saying over the noise of everyone else. The officer strolled over to me. He had a pair of handcuffs in his hands. I was taken aback. I knew that I did not do this crime. What did he take me for? A monster? A criminal perhaps?

I protested the arrest. I told the officer to ask the victim, she would confirm it was not me. The policeman simply told me that the victim had told them she did not know exactly who her attacker was. I was to be taken into custody, until they could rule me out as a suspect.

I was thrown into the back of the police van and sat uneasily as we drove slowly along the road. The roads were icy, there hadn’t been enough grit to cover them properly. A few times I felt as though we might skid off the road. I couldn’t see where we were. The windows of the van were blacked out and the front had been blocked off from view of the person in the back. As I was driven, I remember praying to God that this whole ordeal would be over soon and that I would be allowed back with my family. Alas, that was not to be the case. For a while at least.

We finally reached the jail where I would be staying at whilst awaiting my trial. I hoped they would speak to the fish and chip shop owner and find the real attacker.

I had to wait with a police officer for someone to collect me. The warden came for me. He took my handcuffs off me, my hands felt numb from how tight they had been, it felt wonderful to allow them some oxygen. My hands could breathe again. He told me he needed my fingerprints. I obeyed. I hesitated as I put my finger onto the black power. Giving away a fingerprint as always made to seem so trivial to me, it didn’t mean anything really, if I hadn’t done anything. Yet, I felt some kind of guilt when I gave it away. In fact, I had felt a sense of guilt in the back of my mind since I first arrived here. Perhaps it was like when you see a policeman in the street and you feel guilty just because there’s a policeman there, like you have something to hide when you don’t.

If it’s your first draft you should keep going.

Ultimately you’ll pare it back and hone it. Perhaps this scene won’t end up at the very beginning. But keep going. It’s not shit, but you’ll have work to do in another draft, in editing. But you’ll never get to that bit if you stop.

Your issue is with wondering if it’s ‘good enough’ before you’ve written enough to know.

Keep going.

In this draft you are just getting the story out of your head onto paper. That’s a first draft. The time to think about sentence structure, character, nuance, etc is not now.

Don’t second guess your creativity,

It sounds like an interesting plot. My first thought was that you could do with more dialogue, rather than reported speech. E.g.

I protested the arrest. I told the officer to ask the victim, she would confirm it was not me.

'Ask her! She'll tell you it wasn't me! I was trying to help, for God's sake. You can't arrest me, this is ridiculous'.

I agree with pp not to get too bogged down in detail on your first draft - just get it written. Once you have the whole thing down, you'll be able to see much better how to structure it, tighten it and improve the style.

Thanks. I think adding more dialogue would be a good way to bulk it up. I was starting to think of ways I could do that. Normally when I write, I use lots of dialogue so I think I was trying to tone it down, but I must have done it a bit too much. Thanks for the advice about focusing on the story and not the sentence structure as well.

Is it set in the UK? If so I think you need some advice on police and justice system procedures, it doesn't feel very accurate to me (but am not expert).

I agree about the short sentences, they feel a little like bullet points, but if this is your draft you can expand later. I would like to know more of the story!

I skim read that and wouldn't want to read any more to be honest, it doesn't grab me. You're telling, not showing which makes it pretty dull to read. Sorry.

I'm not exactly sure where it is set. It's not really meant to be any specific place, perhaps I could think of making it more specific if it would help the plot?

I was about to give you some feedback but then read that it's a first draft. OP just finish the first draft. Rewrite and when you think it's ready to be seen, then show it to people. The story might change midway.

Just briefly:

Too many adjectives: I sat on the cold, lumpy, hard bed and looked at the grey, blank, plain, blandness of the wall opposite... - I'm exaggerating but do you see what I mean?

Show don't tell. I was exhausted I fell off my bike at the shop, legs trembling as I made my way through the door.

I think you have to know in your head where it's set, even if you don't want to tell the reader explicitly, otherwise you will find it hard to create a convincing fictional world.

Okay, I'll bear in mind the setting, thanks @JoanOgden

Okay, so show don't tell, use less adjectives and more dialogue but focus more on the short sentences later. Thanks for the advice guys.

It was a cold day in December. I remember it to be snowing, deep heavy snow which has not been the case around here for years. I put my coat and boots on and kissed my wife goodbye, waved to the children. I promised little Joe that I would be back by dinner. That promise would be broken. I remember thinking of how upset he would have been to see me missing as I was taken into custody.

It was the coldest December for decades. I remember clearly how it was when I left; their faces imprinted on the back of my eyelids. I see it every time I shut my eyes. Don't sleep much nowadays. All I could think about as they dragged me away was little Joe's face as I left that morning.

What I'm trying to do there is 1. Character's voice 2. Cut the extraneous detail 3. Show don't tell

All the best with it OP. The hardest part is finishing the damn thing.

Thanks @username4567720 your paragraph is very, very good, and so is your advice.

I like it. I want to know what happens but for me I need more descriptive words about the people etc so I can visualise it properly in my head.

Well done op. It's a very good start.

I like the idea. Think you need more description of characters and surroundings as that's how I build up the picture in my head. It's like painting a picture, lots of layers to add. Keep going,