If you like literary fiction can you tell me gently what you think?

[LitCrit]

Hello everyone
I'm at the very early stages of mapping out a lit fic novel, and in order to try and get myself ready I thought I'd join Marian Keyes' instagram writing challenge. I've written 700 words following one of her first line prompts, and not thinking too much or editing too heavily.

I'm really struggling to see what I've written with any objectivity, and particularly about whether it feels authentic, or whether it's too self-conscious even in the context of literary fiction. I am quite wordy and self-consciously thinky naturally, and I think it's probably best not to fight that too much (I will never be Raymond sodding Carver however hard I try) - but is it too much?

I've put it on a Google doc - not sure if that's the best way, happy to follow the protocol if someone can let me know.
Also very much hoping that I've managed to detach the google doc from my real name etc... please tell me if I've failed (quickly!)

Thanks very much.

I want to say well done for getting in there and going for it - my first impression is that what you have written is quite confusing.

I read the first paragraph a number of times but you're saying too much in it...so it's hard to grasp the message.

That trend continues...I think you need to concentrate on brevity.

Thanks Fortune’s Fave, that’s very helpful. I also suffer from trying to pack too much in/ saying too much in real life .

If anyone else can bear to look I’m genuinely looking for criticism - it will be so good to start out with clear thoughts about what my natural faults are so I can steer myself.

Hi.

Well!! I've got to say.....I loved it!!!! In that 'hmm I'd like to know what this obviously giant story is all about ' way!!!

I hope the story is worth it tho!

Yes it was wordy, cut one of three caveats out, but I got you and I thought it was great.

Thanks @something2say!

Hmm. I write marmite haha

I like marmite.

I'm a writer too, in my spare time. Our styles are completely different, but I like yours. I had an agent for my first book which was non-fiction, but now I'm writing novels.

I think you've got an interesting story and a good start. I tend to agree with a pp that it's a bit wordy. I think your sentences are really long and a bit of clarity gets lost.

Good luck with the novel!

This just popped up in active threads so thought I'd have a look..
My thoughts are that it is very wordy and probably needs heavy editing. For example the section starting 'and in the end, how' is just one long sentence. Generally I feel you have too many sentences that are made up of multiple commas (there is probably a technical term for that!).

However - I was interested in the story and thought there is definitely potential! I like your style and your use of language.

Good luck with your writing.

I liked it too OP, thought it had interesting potential. Best of luck with your writing!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it and comment everyone - I really do appreciate it. I think I have a clear direction to steer in - unpack it all, don’t overuse repetitive language, and limit that circular erm, interiority considerably! But I will check back again in case anyone else has the time to add anything.
And if anyone can recommend another forum/platform/club where you go for feedback, that would be very helpful too. There’s a running thread in Reddit writers but it seems mainly to be fantasy writing.

I think it's a great start. It needs some editing but the story so far has made me want to read on, and I'm pretty critical and picky about what I read.

Honestly, OP, I think from your POV it’s way too soon to invite feedback — beginnings are always tentative and endlessly rewritten! — and can get you retwiddling the start rather than pushing ahead.

But yes, I agree with others that this is too circumlocutory. Think about what your reader needs to know at any particular moment, not the entire complicated backstory that you’re only going to reveal gradually. And who are these two characters? Where is this conversation happening? And when? The rather formal register made me wonder at times if this was set in the distant past...? (Well, apart from the reference to a Keith...)

If we’re only going to get hints at this stage about whatever happened in the past, then I think you need to locate the here and now more.

Have a look at the various subreddits for writers. Some are designed for feedback and others are just fun.

www.writersdigest.com/by-writing-goal/reddit-for-writers-writing-subreddits-to-explore

In the meantime, I've edited it a little...not because I think mine is better but just for fun and to see what you and others think.

“I wanted to figure him out. I thought you were one of the clues.”

She looked at me without awkwardness and her here-and-now-ness, threw me entirely. I had been prepared for an attack - or rather, a trick.

I’d assumed that her presence here was the opening sally of some kind of elaborate con which began with Keith (because didn’t he always bring some kind of chaos to my door) and ended with the loss of something I couldn’t easily get back.

For this reason I had heard her introduction with the blood thumping in my eardrums as I parsed each one of her words for alternative meanings and ulterior motives; rifling through the old internal Rolodex of hidden traps and disastrous outcomes, trying to get a match.

I did not want to take her at face value. I could not afford to.

Ah thanks PrawnCorset - in fact (sorry, I can see I wasn't clear) this is a writing exercise I did to kick myself towards starting the actual novel, and to see what my default style is, as it were. You get given the first line and then you go for it for x number of words, without thinking too much about it.

I can see that you're right - it's too dense and in order to get away with anything like this for real, the reader would need to feel much more anchored in time and place.

I do like a bit of circumlocution myself, and, as long as it's for brief periods and the next bit of writing is spare and clear, I don't mind working hard or putting up with a bit of confusion in order to really be inside a character's thought processes. But I can see that those moments need to be much shorter or you start to feel that you're drowning - and lots of people just don't like it at all and find it frustrating.

It's all so interesting - and one of the reasons I think it's time to write finally is that I suddenly feel able to cope with the feedback. I just want to get better!

@FortunesFave thank you and what a brilliant idea. I think you could go further (embarrassingly, I am an editor myself but online and not fiction - hence flailing )

“I wanted to figure him out. I thought you were one of the clues.”

She looked at me without awkwardness. Her directness, her here-and-now-ness, threw me entirely.

I’d assumed her presence was the opening sally of an elaborate con which began with Keith (because didn’t he always bring some kind of chaos to my door) and ended with the loss of something I couldn’t easily get back.

I had heard her introduction with the blood thumping in my ears, parsing her words for alternate meanings and ulterior motives; rifling through the Rolodex of traps and disastrous outcomes, trying to get a match.

I did not want to take her at face value. I could not afford to.

Hmm. Not sure - I think when you remove all the wordiness it becomes somehow more melodramatic?

Finally, 'Keith' ha! I couldn't think of a name and picked that as a placemarker) because I knew I couldn't possibly forget to change it.. and then did. (Apologies to anyone called Keith. Or any mothers of Keiths!)

I kind of feel like you have used up every word in the dictionary but said nothing if you know what I mean.
It sounds like the beginning of an intriguing story but it was a lot to wade through for very little in return.

Actually, I was intrigued by the idea of a villainous and chaos-inducing character called Keith!

OP, it was also the Rolodex reference that made me think it was set in the past. (Does anyone still use them?)

[quote LitCrit]@FortunesFave thank you and what a brilliant idea. I think you could go further (embarrassingly, I am an editor myself but online and not fiction - hence flailing )

“I wanted to figure him out. I thought you were one of the clues.”

She looked at me without awkwardness. Her directness, her here-and-now-ness, threw me entirely.

I’d assumed her presence was the opening sally of an elaborate con which began with Keith (because didn’t he always bring some kind of chaos to my door) and ended with the loss of something I couldn’t easily get back.

I had heard her introduction with the blood thumping in my ears, parsing her words for alternate meanings and ulterior motives; rifling through the Rolodex of traps and disastrous outcomes, trying to get a match.

I did not want to take her at face value. I could not afford to.

Hmm. Not sure - I think when you remove all the wordiness it becomes somehow more melodramatic?

Finally, 'Keith' ha! I couldn't think of a name and picked that as a placemarker) because I knew I couldn't possibly forget to change it.. and then did. (Apologies to anyone called Keith. Or any mothers of Keiths!)[/quote]
Ha! I'm an editor and writer too OP. Not fiction though...but I have written short fiction and been published in various magazines and one anthology.

@ouiouikitty - harsh, but alas probably true

@FortunesFave wow, that’s really impressive. Did you find it hard to shift to literary writing, and how long did it take you? Also, I had another go at heavy trimming but trying to retain the tone:

“I wanted to figure him out. I thought you were one of the clues.” She looked up with a clear, grey gaze. Her directness, her here-and-now-ness, threw me entirely.

I’d assumed this was all the opening sally of an elaborate con, which began with Keith (because didn’t he always bring chaos to my door) and ended with the loss of something I couldn’t easily get back.

I'd parsed each of her words for alternate meanings and ulterior motives, rifling through the old internal Rolodex of traps and disastrous outcomes, blood thumping, trying to get a match.

I could have told her to leave. I should have said, I’m sorry this happened, but I’ve no interest in going back. But instead, after a moment in which all this skittered through my mind and the words bounced off the walls and hit themselves on their way back, I said: “What do you think you need to know?”

She took a collecting breath.

“What did he tell you, about all that before? And where did you come in?”

Where did I come in? You’d be better asking where did I go out - where did I go to?

Which of the thread-tails which make up the fabric of now would lead us back to the start of it all? And how to begin, when nothing means anything without the rest, and things that hadn’t yet happened would determine how right or wrong you were when you did what you did? How to begin, with only words to begin with?

She was looking at me with the same pausedness as before, as if she could go no further till I picked up my lines and delivered them. And somehow, between her pushing open the cafe door, and this pause here, I found I had agreed to play my part.

“He told me some of it the first night I met him, and after that neither of us wanted to go back. Or we couldn’t go back, I don’t know. Well, we went forwards anyway.”

@PrawnCorset I guess the rolodex ref implies a frustrating clunkiness of thought as s/he wrestles with the dilemma of whether to get involved? And/or that the narrator is over a certain age. And I will keep Keith now . My lucky Keith. I did see it mentioned in Baby Names recently

Did you find it hard to shift to literary writing, and how long did it take you?

No because I started out writing scripts at BBC Radio 4...so I had to make the shift the opposite way. Creative writing is great but doesn't pay that well and isn't reliable so I make a living writing web content mainly. When I have time, I work on my creative projects...but with two teens and bills, that's very rarely lately!

Re. your new edit...I have a weird reaction to 'parsed' because it's not a word that's in common usage. Same with "collecting breath" and "pausedness".

That’s fantastic. Im not currently working - got a bit burnt out doing a biggish job - but need to find some ad hoc work now savings are dwindling.

I know, these seem self-conscious / contrived. I think I am both these things though. I will have to be very sparing.

I got a good tip once...if you really like the sound of a sentence or a word, cut it out...if you're relishing it and reading it back and patting yourself on the back...then 9 times out of 10 it needs removing.

Sometimes writers enjoy words a bit too much :D

Sob.

It's very wordy. But I wanted to read more. It's sounds like it will be an Interesting story.

I've always wanted to write. Well done on making the plunge what a great sense of satisfaction.

@FortunesFave

I got a good tip once...if you really like the sound of a sentence or a word, cut it out...if you're relishing it and reading it back and patting yourself on the back...then 9 times out of 10 it needs removing.

Sometimes writers enjoy words a bit too much :D

God, absolutely. Kill all your darlings, and then go back and kill them all over again. (Tip if you really can't bear to get rid of them permanently, keep a copy of the old document with them in.) But do see what it reads like with them gone. Because - and this is absolutely true of my own work stick out amidst more effective, simpler writing.

For instance, the Rolodex image sticks out in a way that pulls me out of the writing as a reader, OP. As in, it distracted me into thinking 'Who uses them anymore? Do they even make them any more? Is this person a total Luddite?' rather than thinking about the situation you're setting up.