Not fitting in in rural Ireland

[Ladyinrouge]

I relocated from abroad to a small village in a southern county of Ireland a few years ago.

I live alone. Moved here for.partly economic reasons, partly to care for an elderly family member. I have a house and a few acquaintances, which Im grateful for.
But. I feel so excluded from local life. Everyone seems to knkw each other forever. I go into the shops and still feel like a stranger while others greet each other warmly by name.
The 20/21 lockdowns wer a disaster for my mental health. I got chronically isolated. GP and counselling haven't helped. I just feel like such an outsider here. Everything is all.about families with young children, grandparents & everyone else can sod off. Im so depressed and isolated sometimes. Everyone else already knows everyone, on committees etc.
There is so much toxic gossip in the village you can't do anything. Then people judge you for not.mixing.

Abhannmor - Maybe The Experiences of an Irish RM are cringe but The Real Charlotte is a wonderful novel.

My Nan was from small town Ireland and left as soon as she was able. She absolutely loved the anonymity of the City. I hope things change for you soon. Its rubbish to feel lonely.

I’d take that loneliness in exchange for peace and quiet. I live in Essex, and as I type I am sitting here with noise cancelling headphones on because people are racing about in souped up cars that screech and bang and explode. Even though I’m in ‘rural’ Essex the noise and traffic and overcrowding and endless house building have made it a hellish place to live. I’d swap it for rural Ireland, if I could, even if the people hated me.

You'd hope that it was possible to find somewhere you could have both peace and quiet and not be despised.

My mother was the same - she loved having a private life and freedom in London and rarely returned to the west of Ireland. A few of her friends retired to Ireland but realised why they’d left and missed London so much that they came back.

@Ladyinrouge I am sure that no one despises you . I am in NE . You can pm me if you want to . I would be interested to know where in Ireland you are based.

Read Claire Keegan. Walk the Blue Fields. Then get a dog and a goat and have an affair with the local priest, all the better if he is also your first cousin.

My parents are Irish, well mum is dad came to the UK when he was 3 and my mum calls him a plastic paddy as I think he sees himself more English than Irish! My mum grew up on a working farm in a small village in Southern Ireland and I know exactly what you mean. I stayed there for about a year when I was a teenager working on the family farm (rearing the calves!) Everyone does know everyone, probably from generations back, however a large community moved into my mum’s village I’m not really sure how to describe them without it being quite outing but anyway They bought / rented houses, businesses, land no one could believe it when it happened, they all had something to say. Then they bought the village shop.. years later they are completely part of the community because they engaged with the existing community so well. My advice would be to talk, talk and talk some more. Do you go out walking? If you do, say hello to everyone you see, stop for a chat even explain your circumstances and what brought you here. Any activities you do like running/reading? could join a local club. It might seem daunting but just put yourself out there and talk to people. Feel free to pm me to chat more!

I would put myself first and relocate again.

I'm English with Irish parents and moved to Dublin 10 years ago. Dubs are great and very friendly, take you as they find you. Then I met my husband, Meath man, and we moved out to the countryside where he's from originally. Had a baby. My god some of the women are awful, unfriendly and fake. All showy bs fake tan, hair, nails, boasting etc. Don't get me started on the fake Irish names with 12 fadas and 25 vowels. I was glad to return to work in Dublin after my maternity leave! Men are better for chatting to but can be such gossips so watch out!
The valley of the squinting windows by Brinsley MacNamara is brilliant for cutting through the heart of Irish life. How everyone is interdependent but full of resentment.
In a way its unfair to expect a community to just welcome people, why do they owe anyone that? There's a patronising view of fiddly dee Irish life, shure we're all great craic, bollocks that is unfairly expected. They're just people going about their lives like you are.
My advice? Get stuck into your own hobbies and interests and feck everyone else. Ironically it's then that they'll start to take an interest in you! Good luck x

Do you feel you are despised?

What would it be like for a lone adult to move to a similar rural area where you are from?
I can't imagine integrating in a small village in rural France/Germany/Italy/England would be much different from how it is in Ireland.

This might be pertinent. I have family links in the area, but a very small family that is now reduced to one person
This elderly relative has behaved inconsistently and is known for historic quite selfish behaviour. I have tried to help.them over the years,.mostly when visiting from my life in London and elsewhere.
I experienced racial abuse in the UK at rhe time of the IRA campaigns. This, the general anti foreigner feeling in the UK since Brexit, and the sheer harshness of London life and housing costs made me desperate to leave and I felt I needed to be somewhere I had links to, even small, and by now largely historic ones. Not long after I arrived close on 2 years of lockdown hit. I dont think the village has recovered. It feels half dead.now.
I feel people are judging me if Im seen by myself in a local cafe of which there are few.
Its almost impossible to get workmen especially for small jobs and when you do they are totally unreliable about when they come and charge the earth.
I dont go to church as I dont believe in kt and the way the Catholic church has behaved appals me.
It feels like I am not seen for me, just as am adjunct to rhe relative who isn't too well and whom Ive tried to look after.

I wouldn't worry about attending church (or mass as its usually called). I live in rural ireland and know no-one under 65 who goes other than for funerals or weddings. My partner and I are Irish and he's local to here and we find it impossible to get tradesmen for small jobs and my friends say the same so that's not a reflection on you.

Seriously Op, just fuck off out of the village. Your posts stink of you having a superior attitude, so if’s no wonder you’ve not been welcomed with open arms.

Simply look after your relative & go about your own business. Where are your actual friends? They don’t need to live in the village to keep in contact with them & visit etc, so it says a lot that there is no mention of a social life before Ireland & yet you’re expecting these Irish people to welcome you with open arms (despite seemingly offering nothing in return?!)

It's not unique to Ireland. Other small rural communities, especially in small countries, are similarly insular (Scandinavian countries for example).

When you're there long enough, the friendliest ones will address you by name and have time for a chat, but many people will still see you as something of an outsider after decades of local living.

Sometimes you'll find villages where the proportion of new residents, urban retirees etc. is large enough to endow a more cosmopolitan feel to the place.

I never read the Real Charlotte but I remember my mother talking about it. If you want to go the whole hog there's Valley of the Squinting Windows which doesn't have a single decent Irish character. Without exception they are malevolent, devious and cruel. But then the author himself wrote it out of spite , thinking himself unappreciated in County Westmeath.
If my nan was complaining about gossips she would mutter ' valley of the Squinting Windows ' to herself with a little cackle.

Correction : there is one human character - but she is a blow in from a different county.

I started reading Edna O'Briens "Country Girls".
Whether it is due to elderly care, work, or expensive housing elsewhere, there are many people making a sacrifice to live in a place theyd rather not be.
This seems to almost upset the applecart of others who think the place in question is paradise, and anyone else expressing a different opinion must be put down. It is like the lying which happens in the first period of graduate jobs, where nobody dare say anything other than they love the job.
Ive taken part in a number of groups both locally and in the nearest city, but the only friends I've made were other non locals who've since moved away.

There is also an audible version of Country Girls . It is one of my favorite books . Not so much for the politics of it as I was young myself when I read it . But I loved the descriptions of the etiquette of going to dinner dances then . I asked my older female relatives about it and it is pretty accurate. Tales of borrowing dresses and accessories and I found a treasure trove of pictures too.

We moved to the rural midlands from London a couple of years ago. We've been very much welcomed but it's a slightly touristy area and there are lots of blow ins here. We volunteer a fair bit ( 3 local committees but as extra hands rather than as take over merchants). I also joined a few local clubs and that's helped. Been a terrific move for us.

That's very positive! When the kids were young we had a terrific holiday in the Midlands. Lakes galore and got lucky with the weather. We actually chose it because it was literally the cheapest place advertised in the Irish Post. The only tourists we met were Yorkshire fishermen who came to the same BnBs every year. Very friendly locals too.

I did join a few groups and try to get involved when I arrived pre pandemic. 1, a creative arts group, fell apart when some members (mostly locals) started criticising the more go ahead committee members (mostly from abroad) who then got fed up trying to organise stuff. I joined a local FB group during the pandemic. It was (and is, I understand as Ive left now) awful. Like an intense local reflection of this website at that time, full of finger pointing and judgement.
I joined a couple of book groups, both petered out as the organisers moved away and when I tried to take over the reins nobody showed up. Like I said there are about 5 families locally who kind of run the town socially and culturally. The cafes all close at 330pm, I dont drink and dont really go to pubs. I cannot in good conscience leave my elderly relative who would otherwise have noone but that has caused its own issues.

I would really like to know what it feels like to be an insider in a village like this. I have no idea

given in your posts you’ve been heavily judgemental of the people who live there I’m not surprised you’ve found it hard. You’ve described them as toxic and lacking intellect! I’m not trying to be funny but you come across as thinking you are infinitely superior.
are you from a rural background or more urban?

I've moved around Ireland quite a bit and grew up in rural Ireland with blow in English parents. My parents found it easier to make friends with similar blow ins, and there are a lot these days where ever you go, far more than the early 90s when my parents rocked up.

I live in a small town now and lots of people do know each other from school or they are family and aren't very interested in expanding that social circle but that's fair enough really. Its one reason I wanted my children to stay in the same area growing up so they have that when they get older. Community is great when you are part of it and it sounds like there is a great community that works for lots of people there.

You do sound quite scathing of people and very happy to stick them in little boxes that you have decided fit them, it sounds like maybe they have done the same with you and decided that you just aren't their type of person.

OP, I think it's difficult to meet people in an area where families have lived for generations and people know each other their entire lives. These people aren't necessarily unfriendly, it's just that they aren't in the same position you are in as they are already socially established in their community.
I am living in a rural area for over 10 years now. I have lots of acquaintances but no actual friends. However I have a family and I also work so it doesn't really bother me too much.
It can be isolating though and I can imagine the Covid lockdowns must have been very tough for you.
I would say to you though to try and look at things from a different perspective. In general Irish people are quite friendly. Some are gossipy but that's not unique to Irish people. It's just that in a small community it seems more amplified. But, like everywhere, people are busy and don't always have the time to make for other people outside their own family and established social circle. I would suggest if you were less judgemental you might see that most people are just getting on with their own lives and don't despise you.
Is there a swimming pool nearby? Aqua aerobics can be good for meeting people, also sea swimming groups tend to be a relaxed activity that doesn't have the clique element that more established clubs such as the GAA can have. You aren't going to have as many options for social activities as you would have in more urban areas which doesn't help but I think the suggestion of getting a pet is a good one. Do you like dogs? You will find people will chat more when you are out for a walk if you have a dog.
You also might need to look beyond your immediate locality for social activities. Look at the nearest large town and see what's happening there. Also,if you don't drive, make it a priority to learn.