Not fitting in in rural Ireland

[Ladyinrouge]

I relocated from abroad to a small village in a southern county of Ireland a few years ago.

I live alone. Moved here for.partly economic reasons, partly to care for an elderly family member. I have a house and a few acquaintances, which Im grateful for.
But. I feel so excluded from local life. Everyone seems to knkw each other forever. I go into the shops and still feel like a stranger while others greet each other warmly by name.
The 20/21 lockdowns wer a disaster for my mental health. I got chronically isolated. GP and counselling haven't helped. I just feel like such an outsider here. Everything is all.about families with young children, grandparents & everyone else can sod off. Im so depressed and isolated sometimes. Everyone else already knows everyone, on committees etc.
There is so much toxic gossip in the village you can't do anything. Then people judge you for not.mixing.

Sorry you are struggling op. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you are the only one!

I have lived abroad for various parts of my life in different EU countries and the number of my friends who returned home to Ireland after their posting and struggled once they got there, for the same reasons you mention, is significant. Quite a few moved away again back to an expat situation.

And I say this as someone who absolutely loves Ireland and comes from a half Irish family.

To be fair, I don’t think this is exclusive to Ireland either but just particular locations with tight knit communities where people still have families around them, and where friends grew up together and stayed together. So much so they are not really looking to make new friends.

If you have tried the usual hobby groups, volunteering and it hasn’t work, are you at liberty to move somewhere else?

If moving isn’t possible then another solution if you are rural, and you can afford it, is to buy an animal or two and attend events and shows and get to know people that way. It could be rabbits, hens, dogs, ponies, cows, sheep. It doesn’t matter. Just as long as you can pursue a few activities with them. I think animals always bring good people in to your life.

Or, as you can’t be the only person in a similar situation, it’s a bit of a risk but could try making some mince pies and advertise on local sm and open your doors to anyone who is alone on one day of Christmas week? Maybe an event where people contribute a very small amount which you then give to a charity? But you might get to know some nice people at the same time? It only takes one or two. And if you hold it next week, it will be those who aren’t frantic with family stuff who might attend?

Last suggestion is to form a book club/quilters club/walking group/board game club, and you be in charge of the organising and hosting either at your home or in a local pub, and that way you get people’s phone numbers. And then after a while of getting to know people once a month, you can invite a few out individually?

Good luck 💐

That's very difficult OP. I'm originally from a farm in north east Ireland, and can understand that you mean. We (myself and DH) lived back there again when helping out at home when DF was in ill health. DH really struggled with it. He's English and tried a number of things to try build a network there, like golf, local football club, etc. but really did not like it (of course we were together and had each other). He was happy when we moved back closer to his home area in England.

My stepmother did manage to be settle in the area, in spite of having no connection to the area or life style (a Jewish German speaker from Frankfurt!). She made good friends through sea swimming and running, she also volunteered in a local charity shop.

If you are able, and have time, the community project stuff (beach clean up, road tidy up) could be something to consider. I wish you all the best! I know from DH it was not easy.

My friend is a Dub and relocated to the West because of her partner . She might as well been from Outer Mongolia as far as she could not relate at all. It is not just you . There is a reason that young people often learn to get away from that environment.

Everyone seems to know everyone, because they do. For generations probably.
I'd move, rural Ireland really isn't for everyone. But if you stay, try the local Tidy Towns committee, they can be a good way to meet people and get involved locally.

Where are you? How rural is it? You need to be in a good, lively county town, such as Clonakilty or Clifden where there are more different types of people, artists, yoga practitioners, single women. Like the PP said, an activity such as sea swimming or things women do might be worth finding. And yes you animals. I hope you find some lovely friends soon, but there is rural, and small, and also interesting and lively. Or move to a city?

Tidy Towns a great idea. I had a blow in friend who was big into it. Fixing up flower pots , water features and just pottering around. The library is a good place too. Book clubs , knit and natter , Irish language group etc. ok the last might be a bit daunting, although I met a French lady who used to pop in occasionally. Or....a political party? Or a walking group. A lot of these activities were started by returning emigrants or blow ins actually. Our Irish language conversation group was set up by an English woman. It just hadn't occurred to anyone else! Céad míle fáilte and good luck meeting more outgoing people.

I’ve moved to just outside a village in west Cork about 10 yrs ago and love it! I have loads of friends from the nearby villages and towns as I joined a few groups.

Most of my groups have a large number of Brit’s in them as well as local Irish ladies and I think this makes a difference as they’re not so insular as they can be in the smaller villages.

West Cork is a bit of an outlier though? Everything West of Clonakilty is known as the English Riviera while Beara is the Dutch Peninsula!
But as a previous poster noted there is small town, bigger town and actual rural living. I briefly lived about 2 miles outside a town. Might as well have been a hundred miles as I never saw a soul. They'd all be busy doing farm work or whatever. Living in walking distance is a game changer I found.

Thanks for all these suggestions. Very helpful. I think one of the issues is this. One of the nearest villages, which has a certain Englishness about it, also has a number of foreign links and residents, albeit some of the latter are of the gentry type with whom I have little in common.
The most dominant local social type are women, local and non local, who all know each other. The younger ones are turbo-charged mothers whose lives revolve around their children and associated activities. Honestly, they are not especially welcome. The older ones are predominantly fairly politically right on types, who if anything are even more socially connected. This group absolutely dominate the local Tidy Towns and, frankly, nothing happens locally without them being involved. If anyone tries to start anything like a group for outsiders, it is quickly undermined and not supported.
It is strange because Im politically not far from these people, but they make me feel such an outsider. During the pandemic the local Facebook Group went completely and utterly mad. The levels of social judgement and accusations were appalling. They've since got worse, as there have been some new foreign people in the village, which seems to have unsettled some people. It is as if there is a social Grand canyon. On one side you have locals who perhaps are more entirely local and rural, with more farming/ practical backgrounds, more socially conservative. These people are in some cases really quite suspicious of outsiders. On the other hand, you have a group of university educated types, many of whom have worked in the public sector, are financially secure. A large number of the latter have family living abroad who they regularly visit. They are ostensibly socially progressive, but in a way which revolves around being seen to be charitable, for example ensuring everyone knows they have set up tea groups for visibly foreign residents to integrate. They are exceptionally closely knit and an absolute vipers nest of gossip,, some of which I have been on the receiving end of. Caught in the middle are those withour conventional family set ups, local bachelors who struggle to function socially and essentially anyone a bit different. I am lucky to have places to escape to, but I really wanted to express how I felt. I wonder if anyone else recognises the "Two tribes" I am talking about.

I think you've been mislead by a common language with Britian and America. Ireland is its own unique ecosystem and class structure. Family is the most basic building block of society here, and clearly this is disturbing you.
At some point you accept it or move on. The village isn't going to change.

While rhis remark may well be right, there is something a little bit "if you dont like it then clear off" about it. I stay here at the moment to help a disabled older relative who'd otherwise be on their own. Moving away will only be possible at an undefined future point. In the meantime Im trying to make sense of what I see, and assess my options

Could you post in a local Facebook group and ask if anyone feeling isolated would like to arrange to meet for coffee at a cafe and to contact you for the arrangements. If you were worried about the gossipers seeing it you could set it to a nickname or anonymous.

Head to the library and find the classics of Irish literature. Loads are about the misery of not fitting in village life. It will give you context anyway. Im sorry you are stuck there, would your relative move?

Their health, mobility and history means they cannot relocate. I do get away, it is just that I work and am based locally, for now and the foreseeable. I wonder if you can recommend one of those books?

Thanks

I know one of these kinds of places well and it is one of the main reasons I left. I'm afraid to say that this is the way it is and you aren't going to be able to change it. If you can't move, then I think you just have to accept it and try to make the best of the situation. Do you have any hobbies that you can develop that you can do on your own? Can you get away for a weekend every couple of months to meet and socialise with likeminded people? Try to focus on what you can enjoy doing alone.

I sort of recognise these tribes. The educated public sector people where I am are usually not far from a farm though. Or a local shop , pub etc. The ' gentry ' hereabouts all intermarried yonks ago and are only vaguely discernible by their surnames.
The alphabet soup of Irish quangos and NGOs can indeed be shark infested and hard to navigate. And it's true you'll see the same faces in the Credit Union, the GAA and other bodies. Before I forget - the farmers market if you have one. A busy spot where you might meet people. Personally, I cultivated one pub/ hotel . Am fairly good friends with a local cabbie and a hairdresser. Oh ....and a plumber, sigh.

This was an interesting read.
In answer to an earlier post, I am more or less.doing what you say, weekends away etc. There's no expectation on my part that the place will.change.
It is like it is a very good place for returning to if you have some kind of link to it, if even onky with the landscape and local buildings. But there is a lack of intellectual and social oxygen for my kind of mentality. Its just a bit weird how there can be all these insiders who are all so perennially connected. I often wonder if the educated public sector types in particular even realise how kind of socially.exclusive their conduct is. I also think lockdowns unleashed or revealed something quite unpleasant locally.

Perhaps when the situation is different I will.relocate for a period and reassess. I dont want to cut my links.entirely but equally there's only so much.not.fitting in you can do.

You should write your own book op! You describe it so eloquently. It sounds extremely challenging and is something I recognise; it’s just I have family within the grumpy farming tribe who are a tad less grumpy if you are related.

If you are there looking after a relative do they not have any connections to the area either. Did they work or interact there. Maybe you could invite some colleagues or others ostensibly to visit your relative and possibly join in that way . They might have suggestions for you also.
You are well out of the vipers politics. I had to abstain myself from childhood friends upon returning to Ireland as I found it so parochial. Comments about appearance, houses, cars etc. but it really escalated when they began to compare or criticise each other's kids . Both my kids and I were so glad not to be affected as some kids were forbidden to interact with others at school. And my kids were not sporty so also dodged a GAA bullet.
I think this feeling is not particularly unique to rural Ireland but occurs everywhere where the dynamics are similar. But the Irishness has been well noted in literature and theatre because it is so well regonised.

With a couple of exceptions I dont really have much in common with the relatives generally much older visitors.
That's incredibly difficult the scenario you describe. I just wonder what this toxic behaviour, from the uber GAA ness to the forbidding children to mix with others.
IRural Ireland as a whole reminds me of a workplace I was once in. The management acknowledged the dysfunctionality saying "we are bonkers", but never actually did anything about it. I often wonder if the ultra insiders ever wonder what its like for outsiders

Hmm! I’m probably what you’d call an educated public sector type as I used to work in HE in the UK before retiring here. 🤔

I’ve made a huge effort to integrate in the last 10 yrs and get to know people by joining stuff …. and not being judgemental and pigeon holing others.

You’d get along well with my teenage DS who hates the Ag farmer boys at school and is mainly friends with anyone vaguely foreign as they’re so much more exotic and interesting apparently. As he’s a teenager, I put this down to his lack of real world experience.

However, it’s not occurred to me that I’m now fully responsible for ensuring that all newcomers lurking in the vicinity must be warmly welcomed and fêted personally.

Clearly, I wrongly assumed that if you move somewhere new, the onus is on you to make the effort to join in rather than sitting around being fabulous and waiting for the invitations to pile up on your un-welcome doormat. 😳

I wonder if you can recommend one of those books?

Edna O’Brien
John Banville
William Trevor
The Real Charlotte by Somerville & Ross.

William Trevor would be my pick of that lot , partly because he is a master of the short story form.
Somerville and Ross a bit cringe tbh. But they were writing over a century ago and were Anglo Irish ascendancy types. There was a TV series in the 80s iirc ?

Thank you

Thanks Ill look into that