Adult ‘kids’ living at home?

[Stuporwoman]

My grown up son and his wife moved in with us after being away for a couple of years. It was supposed to be a very short term arrangement but two years later, they are still here with no possibility of them leaving soon. They both have jobs (public sector, not very well paid) and are saving for a deposit but they can’t keep up with house price rises and cannot find anywhere suitable to rent. We have a spacious house, they contribute and they are generally quite respectful but sometimes I feel frustrated as it isn’t how I envisaged my life after raising children. I’m aware that we are lucky to be able to offer them space with a housing crisis raging but I do feel a bit encroached upon and worry about the future. I feel it’s a too much of a first world problem to complain about but I worry about my lack of agency in this situation. When it’s your own children you still feel a sense of obligation to help but I just wish there was a better solution. Has anyone else found them in similar situations and if so, what steps did you take to preserve your sanity? Thanks

Sell up and move.
Into a much smaller property that absolutely has no room for them.

If you want, give them a chunk of money for a deposit when you move.

This would be a harder feat to achieve in Ireland…believe me!

I understand your predicament, having lived in Ireland and experienced the housing shortage situation. Are there actually any properties for sale where they need to be ? Can you help them with anything towards the deposit? It’s such an issue with the loan to value for mortgages and the property prices. I would encourage them to save as much as possible and not rent, if you can let them stay until they can find a property you would be doing them well.

When I was growing up, it was very unusual for kids to have their own bedroom (unless a very small family which was also unusual) so they shared with siblings and generally could not wait to leave home.

And of course there was no question of moving a boyfriend/girlfriend in!!

I am always taken aback when young adults don't want to get their own place or share with friends. Surely they want some privacy? (Have the same situation in extended family). It seems a shame to not enjoy life and be preoccupied with saving for a deposit.

You obviously don't live in Ireland. :)

I know people who have happily done this. Works well for them. My friends parents divided up their Dublin house into two parts, one for them, one for my friend, her husband and 2 kids.

It can be done in a sensible way (eg doors that can be locked on both sides).

Shared Ownership.

I do live in Irelsnd actually with loads of friends living in Dublin and elsewhere and I'm not sure your suggestion is any sort of a major trend. But in any case, to do so would be asking an enormous amount of someone in terms of money, disruption, loss of space, privacy etc - absent some sort of disability or medical issue requiring co-living, it's a fairly drastic solution to this particular case. These are two young, educated, able bodied people who need to knuckle down, not get too comfortable and get their own bloody place as the vast majority of people have always done and as most should aspire to do. The son of one of my friends in Dublin who is solo has just done that on a barman's salary so it can be done.

Can you help them at all? Most people need financial help from parents these days.

Hi op, have they tried finding lower cost areas like out where i am in Meath, for example. I assume they're not expecting to buy in a city as first time buyers. I appreciate that might mean a commute or moving jobs but that's what i have to do. I have bought a cheap house in a cheaper area. I have a long commute but that's the sacrifice we made to own a house.

I feel for you OP. I have two children and i could accomodate them individually for a few years but i don't think i'll be able to support boyfriends too.

@booksunderthebedi don’t know a single person who has turned their house into something like you are describing it’s absolutely not a common thing to do here in Ireland

I wouldn’t even entertain having boyfriends / girlfriends living with me. I find it bizarre anyone’s agrees to this

Years ago I worked with a young woman who was adamant that she could not possibly afford to leave home, and I was terribly lucky to have done so. She was quite taken aback when I pointed out that she was just back from a 3 week holiday in India, her second holiday that year. And that DH and I didn’t go on holiday for 7 years after we moved in together. She could if she wanted to.

How hard are they saving? Do they have second jobs? Are they still having lunches out, takeaways etc? It all makes a difference, but they have to be prepared to make it happen. You being all understanding about it makes it easy not to be.

This happened to my friend but only for 6 months. My friend and her DH encouraged their DS to look at cheaper areas and houses that needed a bit of work. They also gave their DS and his partner about 10k towards the deposit.
OP do you know how much your DC is saving as I would have thought they could save more than 1k each per month and now have a 50k deposit? Are they looking at flats, cheaper areas etc, shared ownership properties, or are they holding out for a dream house they could be with you forever?

Thanks for all the comments. I do believe they are doing their best to get their own bricks and mortar but they are constantly being outbid, despite widening their search and budget areas considerably. I feel desperately sorry for them. It’s not their fault there’s a housing shortage amidst a soaring population. And they aren’t spending all their money on avocado toast 😂. They have a deposit ready to go but it’s never enough. It’s sad to see them putting off having a baby too, which they would love and are ready for. Currently they are applying for jobs outside of Dublin but as they were born and raised here it’s not the preferred option. On we go…

Have you got room to build a self contained annex for them to rent off you if this is going to be a long term problem? Or could you buy a bigger property together that has separate accommodation?

Depending on the layout of the house, this may not be a major rebuilding project. Eg if op has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom in the attic, a small basic kitchen can be put in one of the rooms

I lived in a house in Dublin for many years that had a granny flat put it by orevious occupants, (obv a major rebuilding project) we didn't need a granny flat but just used it as a playroom and office. The current occupents use it as a guest suite. (I love having guests but my dream house feature would be a downstairs guest suite!)

What type of property are they looking to buy? I read an article a while back about the difficulties in getting on the property ladder. One young woman, 30-ish as far as I recall, rubbished the idea of a 1 bed apartment as a first step, insisting she only wanted a 3 bed house. I admit I lost a lot of sympathy at that point! Both DH and I purchased 1 bed apartments when we were in our early 30s (in the same complex, where we then met!) - I couldn't even afford a 2 bed duplex let alone a 3 bed, as my first step on the ladder.

That was you as a single person, this is a couple.

All the more reason they would find it easier to get on the first rung of the property ladder! A one bedroomed would be 'fine' - not ideal but surely better than living with a parent.

I agree.

How much are they actually saving? If they are able to live with you relatively cheaply, they should be able to direct a massive amount into savings every month similar to what they would pay if they had to rent. The difference should be that they aren’t living somewhere sketchy and falling apart and the money is going to savings, not that they have more disposable income.

My adult dc live with us, we all get on and it works fine, but i can't imagine a partner living with us. They are all saving like mad but none of them have great wages and they are single, trying to get a property on one wage is next to impossible. However in the last year our eldest bought a tumbledown cottage which she is renovating with the help of tge vacant property grant, and the second eldest has just put down a deposit on a new apartment with the help of the FHS scheme. There is assistance out there, with two wages it should be attainable, especially as they are living with you and presumably saving every extra penny.

I got a cleaner, they pay a token amount to bills and save a lot. If they didn’t - if I noticed they were living a lavish lifestyle I’d enforce savings and I have told them this. I have a no partner staying on a school nights- no moving in by stealth. Of course we will also through money at the deposit but we’re no there yet.
A woman I know sold her large house and bought 3 flats - one for her and one for each of her dds - it was the only way she could get them to move out.

Does "can't find anywhere suitable to rent" mean nowhere they like? Because that's realistically what they can afford and need to take it.