Adult ‘kids’ living at home?

[Stuporwoman]

My grown up son and his wife moved in with us after being away for a couple of years. It was supposed to be a very short term arrangement but two years later, they are still here with no possibility of them leaving soon. They both have jobs (public sector, not very well paid) and are saving for a deposit but they can’t keep up with house price rises and cannot find anywhere suitable to rent. We have a spacious house, they contribute and they are generally quite respectful but sometimes I feel frustrated as it isn’t how I envisaged my life after raising children. I’m aware that we are lucky to be able to offer them space with a housing crisis raging but I do feel a bit encroached upon and worry about the future. I feel it’s a too much of a first world problem to complain about but I worry about my lack of agency in this situation. When it’s your own children you still feel a sense of obligation to help but I just wish there was a better solution. Has anyone else found them in similar situations and if so, what steps did you take to preserve your sanity? Thanks

What steps did we take? Threw money at it! Are you able to pitch in with the deposit for a rental or purchased property? It sounds to me like they have a good thing going with you and have got too comfortable. Maybe approach them and say “Right, 2026 is going to be the year you get your own home. Let’s chat about how you can achieve this”.

I wa going to suggest the same thing, help with a deposit.
I envisage moving down at some point, so the house isn’t big enough for them but also to give them some money.

My 2 DC can live with us for as long as they like, but I draw the line at partners! I would say next year it's time to move out.

Can you divide up a bit of the house for them so you get your own space? Eg they get a bedroom, living rooom/kitchen and bathroom?

That would help I think

My adult DD is still living with me, because she's a college student, and I can't afford to pay for student accommodation for her. But that's not the same situation as yours. However, from next year, I will also have her boyfriend staying with me from Monday - Friday, because he's doing an internship, and it's within driving distance from my house. It's too far to drive from his own house.

My house is big enough to accommodate three people easily, but I suspect we will have the odd run in over things like cleaning and wanting to use the shower at the same time and possibly them using up all the towels and him/them eating up all my snacks etc. We'll all be out of the house during the day, so it's only evenings we'll be in the house together. DD and her boyfriend usually watch TV in her room or play computer games there. At present, DD and I share the cooking (she's a good cook). I'm not sure if the boyfriend can cook. If not, I'll be giving him chores like cleaning up after dinner and cleaning the cat litter trays etc.

Hopefully he'll go back to his own house/parents at weekends.

In your situation, maybe it's time you reminded them that this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. Can they give you some kind of time frame as to when they will have their deposit saved? I think it would be easier for you if you had an end date i.e. they plan to move out in 12 or 18 months.

I have a small three bedroom house and while I am open to the possibility of accommodating my adult children if needed - but with very strict boundaries and a shift to more of a housemates sharing the load scenario- there is no way I will ever have partner or spouse move in. Apart from anything else, a couple have perhaps THE cheapest options in terms of renting/buying- 2 working adults could take a double room in a house share or get a studio or one bedroomed apartment. I have had to do everything, pay every bill on one income so no way would I make my daily life substantially worse in my 50s and 60s to make theirs easier. OP, you have already done way more than most would have done, give them a hard deadline and stick to it.

Iv come to terms with the fact that my dc’s might never leave home.

So invest tens of thousands, make your house some sort of weird mish mash to accommodate healthy educated adults who reallg need to figure this out for themselves. While she's at it, she may as well hand it over yo them and go live in a seomra 🙄

cannot find anywhere suitable to rent. seems unlikely

They in a house share with you now.

Meaning they prefer the comforts of your place and paying no? Little? rent to renting a similar room in a house share with other "adult kids"

Or a tiny studio just for them etc

Are they doing own shopping cooking cleaning washing?
.

Are they really trying? Or do their expectations of a suitable home keep expanding? Are they doing everything to earn extra money (while they have no kids and less home responsibilities they should be pretty time-rich).

In my area house prices are basically static, and in fact starter-home territory is about to be flooded with ex landlord flats and homes. There’s also shared ownership available on some of the new build estates.

I’d have an honest discussion with them about their realistic plans and timescales.

You’ve said yourself they both work, are saving hard and contribute to your house. It would be a different story if they were in and out of work, weren’t saving and disrespected your home.

It’s a sad state of today’s world when two hard working people can’t afford a deposit for a house.

I would be sitting down with them for a catch up, asking about what they have saved, seeing if I could add to it or talking about how you can all make it easier for them to reach their goal.

Make it clear this isn’t about you not wanting them around, it’s about wanting to help them take the next step in their relationship and life as a couple.

But it's also ok for her NOT to want them around in the sense of living in her house. Is there any point at which mothers- and especially Irish mothers- are allowed put themselves and their needs and wishes first?

The question is, are they actually saving.

Renting will prevent them saving and they’ll be stuck in that trap, but if they are staying with you are not saving anyway. In 2 years and no rent then they should have a lot of money saved.

I bought my first property, a tiny flat, as a single woman. I worked 2 jobs, at one point 3 jobs!
They should be doing this. I think they have become quite comfortable living at yours.

And are they actually looking at options? Like shared ownersip? Pocket living in abbey wood? New build keyworker rental in lewisham? Take their public sector jobs to belfast?

They clearly very comfortable in your big house op. Why would they move?

Offer them help with deposit.

I think they should aim lower and buy a flat to get on the property ladder. Gift them a deposit if you can. We bought something small in a rough area, waited 5 years then sold up to move into a nice house in a nice area. You need to have a word with your son,otherwise they'll always be there. I would welcome my adult children back but would never allow their partners to move in. That's making them too comfortable and they'd never leave!

Do you live somewhere overly expensive? As I would have thought that 2 people with full time jobs even on minimum wage could manage to save a reasonable amount of money if they really wanted to. I say this as a single parent on a low wage - my mortgage is half the amount many people with new mortgages pay but if I had an extra income I could afford to pay double or the average cost of rent.

I would have said no to the partner moving in. It's an incentive for a couple to save to be able to move in and 'be together'. You've just provided that for them at a knock down cost in a nice big house-where's their incentive now?

Unless they are in London then they probably CAN afford a home, after saving for a deposit for 2 years.

I’m in South East (not London) and you can get a 2 bed maisonette for £250k (and several on for less, and not so nice flats from £200k). They’re unlikely to be on minimum wage if public sector and they’ve been saving for 2 years with minimal outgoings (other than if they arrived with debt and high car payments). That’s perfectly do-able.

Just to clarify (I think!) - this post is on Craicnet so the housing market in question is Ireland.

Yes this! And depending on where they are in Ireland an apartment may not be an option.

How hard are they actually trying to move out?

What’s going into savings vs being spent on day to day life. Is the deposit plan actually realistic? A planning sit down session (with plenty of warning) might be in order. If the plan to save a deposit isn’t realistic then everything needs a rethink.

Oh I didn’t notice that! I wondered why someone made the assumption about Irish mums. I take back my house prices and wages assumptions!

23 year old DS still lives with us. I don't have money to pay for a deposit,as I didn't have with his two older sisters. The girls rent as also couldn't afford deposits.

Saving for a deposit is out of the reach of many people.

@Stuporwoman how much have they saved, they can avail of the first time buyers grant too I imagine.

• Help to Buy (HTB) Scheme: This scheme is for first-time buyers of newly built homes and self-builds.
• Grant amount: Up to €30,000, or 10% of the purchase price, whichever is lower.
• How it works: A refund of income tax and deposit interest retention tax (DIRT) paid over the previous four years.
• Eligibility: You must have a mortgage for at least 70% of the property's value and the property must be valued at less than €500,000.