Irish Mammy doting on adult sons

[LaGrandeGoof]

I know it’s nothing new but omg I’m staying with my mother at the moment and it’s nauseating. I think it always was but it’s either ramped up, or I’m seeing it with fresh eyes.

My two adult, unmarried brothers (twins, late forties) work from home and part-time farm. They live with my mother in the family home - they basically never moved out. Mother, widowed, centres her whole world around them. Like I’m feeling like a gooseberry intruding on a honeymoon!

She tells them to keep an eye on their salt and sugar intake - she acts like they are toddlers, but they don’t seem to bat an eyelid, maybe because the positives outweigh the negatives.
They pay her some rent - she does not expect them to lift a finger around the house and obviously they don’t. I have never seen them wash a single dish. Of course if I say anything she gives me that sigh and “God these awful modern women” look.

She cooks all their meals - in fact she low level hates anyone else cooking for them (jealous). All their laundry etc. she says you “could hardly expect a man to know how to do all that”. I swear she would wipe their bums for them if she could.

She has definitely held them back in life - it’s like she wants to be their ideal woman and meet all their needs. She does not treat her two daughters like this. She is not really available for helping with my children……. She has no interest- basically because she is so busy with her own babies/man-children.

If she leaves the house or goes visiting, she uses them as an excuse to leave (“ I have to go get dinner for the boys”) Ditto when she’s trying to get off the phone. It’s embarrassing - but my brothers don’t seem to mind at all that she makes them sounds so helpless.

My brothers never had romantic relationships and although my mother says she would love them to, this is clearly bollix. It has been made more than clear over the years that no woman would be good enough. She thinks my brothers are real catches that women would only love to get their hands on! They rarely if ever go out.

Would you have expected this dynamic to have died out in Irish society - is this not now really unusual? She gave up her job when she got married.

Anyway she will never change: she gets so much pleasure from this way of life. It’s her reason for living and the way she is programmed.
I can only try to see the humour in it.

I totally get what you’re saying OP, however the three of them seem very happy with the set up, even though we can all see it’s so wrong!

What will happen when she is no longer around?

Indeed. You’re right. She certainly is happiest like this. As long as she has at least one of them to fuss over, she is happy as Larry. As for my brothers I can’t see them ever ever moving out or becoming more independent.

My DH has an uncle who was brought up like this. Sadly his mum died, followed by his brother a few years later and he is alone and not coping well at all. It's all very sad as his life could have been very different. He's an intelligent man, albeit slightly 'odd' socially due to his upbringing.

I keep thinking about this. Maybe it’s more noticeable now because I know she won’t be around forever, whereas when we were younger I could still hope that one day they would meet someone and so on. The other thing is that if and when she needs help in her old age, they won’t expect to do it, nor will she expect it from them. When she dies, the house will fall in around their ears and they will just survive on biscuits and bowls of cereal.

Although I have definitely seen two or three cases where confirmed bachelors and spinsters suddenly find love after the death of their domineering and much loved mother, and get married! Maybe one of them would. And the other one is more likely to ask my single sister to move back “home” and live with him. Even if she wouldn’t look after him, she’d look after the house and keep him company. I don’t think she would do this though - she is as dismayed as I am.

I said this to my mother once, about how they will end up, and she said that in their old age they probably would be lonely and regret not getting married and having children to keep them company. I think they will be very depressed.

OP this is not just in Ireland. My MiL fuses over my NiL likes he's a baby. She does all his cooking, cleans his room and does his laundry. We laugh because she even irons his underpants. When we visit I'm expected to help with the meal while DH is expected to sit chat to his brother. We sit down to eat and we all dish up our own meals but MiL dishes up BiL's meal for him first. He must be treated like a King. If DH tries to clear the table and load the dishwasher she gets upset and shoos him out of her kitchen. I've told her he does it perfectly well at home. No wonder BIL never moved out. DH says she tried to Mummy him into his adulthood too but he found it embarrassing and went to Uni and never went back to live at home. He got a flat instead and MiL was not happy about that. Obviously BiL is her golden son.

this rings bells! She probably feels sorry for your poor husband ? Or is that taking it too far. These modern men and women tsk.

I hate describing it like this but the modern parlance would be that my mother is the biggest “pick me” - except with her own sons!

My cousins were treated similarly. None of them are married, have children or homes of their own. They are all in their fifties and their mother refused to go on holiday for over thirty years in case one of them needed her.

It’s a bloody nasty thing to do. Infantilising anyone to the point they go a bit odd and can’t cope isn’t doing them a favour.

MIL’s inappropriate sexual & emotional needs are not an acceptable trade off. Especially mean to do it to two adults whose job is home based so miles harder to escape.

I too know someone this happened to. He isn’t ok.

They're all happy with the arrangement. It has nothing to do with you

I totally understand this situation

why would they bother leaving home (they won’t anyway as farm is centre of the world) but it creates poor expectations on how marriage would be (expecting women to be servants so they won’t marry someone and she made sure of if

This is my brother
I'm the eldest,brother 1 and twins (2 and 3)
My mother is exactly the same with brother 2 (not the rest of us)
She will go on holiday,but makes sure all his washing is done,he has a freezer full of meals and cleans his flat before she goes
She will ring him every single day and when shes at home,she makes sure he's fed and watered/makes sure he doesn't lift a finger for himself
He loves good toot/smoke so she makes sure he's got enough to last him
If she could wipe his arse,she would-hes pampered in every single part of his life-no girlfriend is good enough (she's seen enough of them off)
They are both narcs-she is one and I'm sure she's turned him Into one too-they cannot survive without each other
He will fall apart when she finally dies-it causes resentment with the other two (im nc) but she won't let go of him

Similar dynamics in a family I know.
Adult son (42). I highly suspect he has autism, and that this held him back from flying the nest. He craves routine and has social anxiety.

Yes my dear Irish widowed friend is like this. One son late 30’s will never beable to live his best gay life instead he is like a little man old before his time she does everything for him and not take a penny rent. The daughter she rings about three times a day she went to university twice and gave up as she was t allowed to learn how to cope they visited every weekend. I’m convinced neither of them have had any sexual experience and it saddens me that when my friend dies they will be millionaires but at what cost?

BTW OP I assume they will inherit everything as well?

Hope mother has divided her assets to all her children equally in the will!
OP you sound as if you have a sense of humour- you need it. Her attitude is not fair on you or your sister. She has given them all her love and attention. She has spoiled those man babies. It has not done them any favours, they have no independence and rely on her for everything. They’re unlikely to have relationships - can you imagine them bringing a girl home, to be scrutinised by your Mum! It’s very sad really. It’s a wonder you and your sister didn’t rebel! Perhaps you should show her your thread!

Yep, my MiL will only go away overnight if BiL goes too. She was beside herself when she had to go into the hospital for 2 nights. She made him meals and left in the fridge so he just had to microwave. He might need her for something. Goodness knows what he'll do when she dies.

When I think about it MiL made a career of being a Mummy even when BiL became an adult.

When in the past MiL and BiL have stayed at our house MiL jumps up every time DH does a little job. She tried to shoo him out of his own kitchen. When DH made coffee drinks and me and his Mum a pot of tea she actually looked quite upset like I was in some way abusing him for not making it myself. She does love my DC though. For them nothing is too much trouble. DH and I don't have DC together, BiL will never have dc but having my DC gives her DGC. She is a wonderful Nan to my DC. I used to sew their Scouts badges on for them and she saw them and didn't think I had done it neatly enough. She didn't tell me but I know she unpicked my sewing and did it far more neatly herself when she was looking after them. As if I wouldn't notice. Some DiL might get upset but I didn't care if she wanted to do it. I let them take their swim badges to her to sew on too. She was actually delighted to sew them on for them full of smiles. I just think she likes to feel needed.

She will make no will, so the sons will get it all by default- and they will just carry on as before, just less well fed and with dirty clothes. My sister and I will not challenge because they have nowhere to go and wouldn’t leave. If we mentioned it now she would be like oh you don’t show much interest in the house/farm. Or she will claim that she’s waiting for one of them to buy her out she can share equally - this won’t happen. If we point this out she says ok well we’ll have to sell it all to strangers. This also won’t happen.

I have an ex whose younger brother is like this (I'm Irish too). He's now in his 40s. Never moved out. Owns a house bought from money saved by never moving out and rents it out instead of living in it. Never had a girlfriend who stuck more than a few weeks. Can't cook, wouldn't occur to him to pick up a cup after himself, laundry is done for him, meals put in front of him (even a packed lunch for work in a special little box). He could and often did say something inane and incorrect and his mother would just beam at him as if he were a Messiah. He was just her adult baby boy and it's actually very sad how stunted he became because of this. The Irish mammy jokes are there for a reason! I believe the Italians are just as bad, at least according to an old Italian housemate's tales about her brothers.

If there is no will,why would it automatically go to the two boys and not be divided equally between the four of you? It might be the making of them, they might become independent if forced to be.Presumably they are not so dependent that they can’t make any decisions. If only your mother could see what she’s done to them, practically ruined their lives. It’s unbelievable in this day and age! I am wondering what part your father played when the boys were being brought up- did he just leave your mother to it and remain silent?

He loves good toot/smoke so she makes sure he's got enough to last him

@Sharontheodopolodous your mother buys your brother drugs?

This. Why moan that she won't do childcare for you? Doesn't seem like you want her to enjoy her life child free.

From my Irish friends experience when there is a farm in the family it is never sold it has to stay in the family and automatically goes to the sons who are expected to work on it and pass it on. Even if they go off travelling to Australia etc and sow their oats they are delaying the inevitable. It’s all very sad how under the thumb some lads are, and my mates from Kerry will verify the place is full of mammys boys. I still have loads of Irish nurse friends and they all go on about their brothers. I wonder if it’s more of a countryside thing?

im not Irish but my mother blatantly favours my brothers even though they are lazy oafs