How do I get my DD away from Irish dancing?

[ObjectsInTheRearviewMirrorMayAppearSexierThan]

She has only been going for a few months and already wants the costume, treble shoes, and to go to a feis every other weekend.

I have only allowed her to go to one Feis so far, and despite it just being the local one of the school and for age 10 and under, mostly beginners, there were plenty of wigs and fake tan and make up, glittery socks etc.

I can see where this is going and I wish I had never let her start at all. But the classes are literally next door to us in the community centre, so for the last 2 years she has seen her friends go and I guess I just thought she would try it and not be interested. All her friends go.

Or I thought naively (?) that I could allow her to go just to the lessons and not compete. But the teacher really seems to push the feis “hope to see you all there” etc. I can’t believe how many there are! I don’t want us to spend our weekends going to them and I hate the stuff that everyone hates about them - the pageant vibe.

She is already pretty good but as well as liking the actual dancing, she’s showing every sign of liking mostly the lure of trophies, the costume, the glitz, and she already wants to compete, compete, compete and win, win, win!

The school costume costs £200 new and given how short they wear them, looks like it would fit for about 6 months, if even.

Can’t believe I’m in this situation. I have, up until now, been all happy clappy and willing to let her lead the way with her interests - not push her into anything or away from anything. She has tried ballet, drama and football. She quite liked all of them but it was definitely the social side she enjoyed. She still does football. But this Irish dancing has got under her skin in a different way.

She is 8.

Advice? Solidarity?

AS Facebook reminded me this weekend it's been 10 years at least that I've been spending this time of year outside each and every weekend at football tournaments with my DS'. All I have is a comforting arm and the thought that at least you get to be inside with the chance of a cuppa and a chair.

I understand where you are coming from with the tights and glitter and tan, I wasn't massively keen on the footballer attitude and stinking boots that get grown out of either. But they love it and it defines my boys and brings them great happiness so I save my pennies for a sneaky dirty burger off the inevitable van and get stuck in, sadly it's the only way. You are going to have to embrace the glitter!

I’m not Irish but can I just say I know what you mean about dance classes. My 6 year old has just started, she takes it in her stride and isn’t obsessed but it’s the teachers….they are like CBeebies entertainers, pushing wearing make up to shows/exams, over animated and dare I say it ‘fake’ I find it nauseating if I’m honest.

I can’t help with your questions but I give my solidarity!

Thank you both. I feel so mean.
Also aware that she has less chance of losing interest or drifting away naturally precisely because she knows I want her to stop.
I disapprove of the make up and wigs on little girls, but then I think most everyone does. And yet here we are. This is Irish dancing now and you have to accept that the way it is.
If I could turn back time………

I don’t think you should feel mean at all. I’ve been quite clear with DS that I have zero intention of subordinating my life to his desire to play football all the time, and I will not be spending my weeknights and weekends schlepping him to and from training and distant games.

No advice, only sympathy — sounds godawful. A friend of mine had a son who was an excellent Irish dancer, and she said she was nearly in tears with relief when he finally quit because she no longer had to spend weekends in end,DS’s feiseanna listening to slipjigs. And that was without freaky wigs and drag queen make up.

why don't you want her to do it? mostly the cost, or mostly that you don't like how they look?

I'd be inclined to support any activity my DC are keen on - it is sociable and good exercise so not all bad.

I was so glad when DD moved away from dance classes at 8 it's by far the most expensive hobby she has ever had.

She tried competitive swimming, training was relatively cheap for the number of sessions but race fees and race costumes soon added up she decided to stop after covid as wanted something more sociable. Recreational tennis and a bushcraft outward bound club she enjoyed but decided to give them up.

Now she plays rugby, cheapest of them all £90 for the year (insurance and training fees/subs). Only kit we had to buy was mouth guards, club socks and rugby boots (there's a hand me down boot shop too so you just pay a donation to the club if they have your size). Has done wonders for her confidence, she has no interest in being a tiny waif but wants to be athletic and strong. Great for her MH as it's so physical and let's her get the "grrrs" out after a week of school. Season runs September to May so you get your Sundays back for the Summer. Wish she'd got involved sooner. Obviously risk of injury but that's the same in many hobbies. It's a sociable sport too which is nice.

Ugh Irish dancing is the worst, the makeup, the mahogany legs, the wigs, the competitive bitchy parents. Honestly get out now while you still can!! Not to mention the fact you'll need to sell a kidney to afford a solo costume when the time comes. And heaven forbid you wear it for more than a year without getting a brand new even better one. It's a money racket.

The way they have to look.

If it weren’t for that I think I could buy in to it. I did it myself for years but never had all the gear (and never won a thing!)

The costumes are made in such a way that they are easily altered, you actually do get pretty good wear out of them. As for the wigs, if you feel a time has come for wigs then you can get a bunwig which are not as dramatic as the big curly ones and they can cost around £40-£50 but last years. However at 8 you can still get away with no wig for at least a mother 2-3 years. You do not have to do tan or makeup, plus makeup is not allowed unless they are older by that time they are teenagers and may be wanting to wear makeup anyways with their friends etc.

You obviously knew what Irish dancing looked like before putting her into it and you make it what you want.

I absolutely hate the competitive side and look of irish dancing. The grotesque wigs / stunning dresses/ fake tans on kids. Its insane BUT my friends two girls just love it. Are super fit from it. They are such naturally pretty girls and look daft BUT Mum brings them as they are great at it. Like its nuts expensive
I mean its very hard to say no if she is in fact a natural at it. There is a second hand dresses etc etc id be looking for compromises from her and from you to meet half way on this. Ie not every weekend not every feis.as my friend says she hasnt just 2 kids but 3 and its not fair to spend so much time energy and money on 2/3 kids !!

It’s such a clever thing and nice to watch their feet but the look of it is awful; I hate the way it places all the expectation on ridiculous bouncy hair and OTT makeup with neon lace.

I’d have hated it if my DD wanted to do it (she did ballet and tap, and that was bad enough for shows but at least in a sensible get up!) I don’t think it is something you can necessarily do half-hearted either OP?

This has also been my experience, thousands are spent on the dresses. The socks being glued on the girls legs really shocked me.

I’m with you on this, Irish dancing has got ridiculous. I pulled my DD out of it, Training went from 1 hour a week to 2 hour x 2 per week plus the Feis at weekends. The cost became extortionate and the pressure to have tan, wigs etc was too much.

it was great to keep fit, develop a skill, socialise but once they get half decent it’s all in with competitions.

I was honest with my DD - it’s too expensive & I’m not spending 4+ hours a week at Irish dancing. It didn’t go down well but we compromised on other activities and dye rarely mentions it now.

Can you avoid the wigs and the fake tan? Presumably the kids that don't turn up looking ludicrous don't win anything?
Are the feiseanna miles away or are you on an area with regular comps within a few miles. I couldn't be arsed with all that either to be honest. My sister did it for a few years and they went all all day. This predated riverdance and all the gaudy madness though.

can you afford it? I’ve friends whose kids compete and it can be thousands of pounds a year. If you can’t afford it it’s better to stop now and find something else than later on

We had a brief skirmish with it when dd was about nine. Thankfully, she decided for herself that it wasn't her thing after about 6 months.

Isn't it just stage makeup though? Costumes, stage hair and stage makeup is standard for any and all types of performance. If it was ballet being performed on stage by a troupe, there'd still be stage makeup and matching hair pieces etc.

I'd personally be delighted to have a DC so excited by a hobby/activity especially one which is physically demanding and disciplined. Surely she'll make lots of friends too and/or deepen existing friendships, so there's a good social element too. I think DCs with good hobbies and interests keeps them from being bored/away from the screens. It's good to think of the positives as well as the negatives.

My dc does Irish dancing and I don't experience what pp have. Feis are only once every 3 months or so and you don't have to attend each one. Makeup is not allowed for up to under 12 and no glue is used to keep socks up.

My dc has a class costume which will last at least 2- 3 years because they are made to be altered as they grow for longevity. She goes to two classes per week. That's two whole hours in a week that instead she would be sitting on her arse watching tv. Any feis we attend lasts 2-3 hours max. I really don't think that's bad at all.

Slightly off topic, but when and how did Irish dancing become so ridiculous? I was a pretty good Irish dancer as a child, and yes, you needed a costume and some shoes but it was nothing like today. The costumes were mostly made by the local dressmaker and the embroidery was done by a friend of your mum! If you were unlucky enough not to know anyone, then you has to pay for the embroidery, but it was still a modest price. The idea of make up and fake tans was completely unknown, and the only thing which came close to wigs was having your hair stuck in uncomfortable curlers the night before a feis.

Also unless your dc is attending world championships then you really can get away without a wig your not marked down for it. Especially with local feis.

Oh dear you're in danger of becoming a "dance child mum"
It's your family, your life, your decision to be honest.

I used to run an after-school art club with another normal mum but when she became a "dance school mum" she quit everything to do with her art background to ferry two girls around to dance classes and events every day. She couldn't even commit to 45 minutes on a Monday after school.

Stick to your guns.

No, it's quite a lot different from ballet. Not all that many ballet schools go in for the competition circuit. Irish is maybe more similar to disco freestyle when it comes to the competitions, the fake tan, the sequins, the make-up and the staggeringly expensive (and to my eyes, ridiculous) outfits.

Tell her you don't approve of the makeup and cost of outfits. She can go to the classes and compete but you won't be funding make up, expensive costumes, wigs and fake tan.

You are the adult. Tell her what you will support and encourage: practice, hard work, commitment.
And what you won't: focus on looks and unjustified huge expense.

She can then decide. Does she want to dance without all the vulgar primping or not.

You'll be conveying some important values to her.

I think I’d try to support her. It’s so important (in my opinion) for kids to have hobbies that they can feel passionate about. My older dd dances and ds and younger dd do martial arts. Neither are that much ‘my thing’ but I do go out of my way to facilitate them doing it. And it sounds like your dd is very passionate about it.

Of course if you can’t afford it then that’s it and it’s too bad so sad.

My dd fell in love with a sport that comes with a risk of pretty horrific injury. There are two other girls her age at her club that compete with her at high level. The season is currently less than 2 months old and the other two have both been to hospital already - one with a broken bone and one with suspected concussion.

Right now I’d give a lot for some ridiculous make up and an inappropriate wig. They sound safe!