What's your childcare set up for your 12+ aged children?

[Turfwars]

Just curious as to how others have sorted it - DS is 11 and hates the local village creche. It's fine, he's just bored being surrounded by younger kids and often he's the eldest there. He does wraparound 3 days a week there.

Looking forward to the teen years, I'm looking for ideas. In a year he'll be too old for creche. But at 12 or 13 he's still too young to get off a bus, let himself in and be on his own for 4 or so hrs until one of us gets home. If he had siblings, it might work but he's an only - that's a lot of time alone for a kid that age.

I wfh 2 days. Those days there is no problem with popping out for the school run, work are fine with that. But there are some of those days where I'd have to go to the office to provide AL cover for others.

DH is job hunting at the moment after redundancy so we dont' know what kind of job he might land - if it's got a wfh element to it, that's the ideal. But if he did get office only or a job that involves travelling, that's where I need creative solutions.

So what ages are your kids, what work set up do you have and what genius solution did you come up with?

Both of you are out of the house until 8pm? What kind of ‘crèche’ are you using that’s open til then?

are you in the UK? Crèche is usually for babies…

I'm in Ireland. He's in fourth class at the moment.
I finish work 50km away at 5.30 and if I'm lucky I might get home around 6.30 or 6.45, but sometimes it's been well after 7 before I get in the door.

We don't live near anything.
The bus would drop him a mile away from the house, but the nearest library or afterschool club is 15km away, same for hobbies or activities.

He's got no diagnosed SEN, but is a quite anxious child, and still quite immature for his age. He's also giddy and forgetful and could lose hours gaming. He might mature in the next year or so but right now he's not ready to be left on his own, despite my best efforts.

It would be soon common knowledge in the village if he's getting off the bus and alone in the house for several hours by himself - and I don't really like that idea. While it's a nice area, there's a few oddballs about.

Moving isn't an option, nor is changing jobs.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll ask the mum friends I have in the area what they do.

Thank you - he would do it because he understands we need to work, but I know he would hate it and be terrified the whole time. And it's a lot of solitude if you also include school holidays where it's all day and for 3 months in the summer. I don't think it would be healthy long term for a kid who is already anxious.

At the moment he finishes at 3 but I'm not home until about 7, but when he's in secondary that would reduce by an hour to about 3 hrs. But there's nothing within walking or cycling distance for him to attend as a filler activity.

I think our best solution will be for DH to only consider WFH/hybrid jobs like the one he had before, plus I'll see what kind of increased flexibility I can get at work. It's only for a couple of years.

We used to do staggering and it worked well. Then we both WFH during the pandemic so that was brilliant. I returned 5 days while DH stayed at home, again, we were sorted.
Unfortunately, the school don't offer anything like you suggested. I'd love it if they did. Him getting the bus and letting himself in is not an issue - and he'll get himself snacks etc. It's more the full summer holidays as well as the few hours in the evening where there's no nearby adult.

But you've given me an idea - there's another mum who does a hybrid week, but different days from me - she's a good friend. I'll see if she would be willing to pool resources after school.

My boy is 12 and he gets on with it lol. No childcare needed. Just today I was at work and he has an after school extra curricular thing in a town in the middle of home and my work and I allowed him to get the bus with some friends who also go to this thing and will meet collect him after his lesson on my way home from work. He is sensible to be left for short periods, goes out with his friends unaccompanied to the park etc, lets himself in and out of the house with a key if I'm working from the office. I really don't think childcare is needed for day to day stuff if there's no extra needs or special circumstances. Would obviously need some sort of care for overnight if I was going away though but it would just be family x

Sorry just seen your replies - I would build up slowly to get him used to it. Are you close with any of your neighbours so he could have a named person to go to in an emergency that's generally around?x

I was getting the bus home and letting myself in at age 10, and being home along for a few hours, a couple of times a week.

There isn’t really childcare for this age except teatime clubs at school, and nothing at secondary.

Can he fill the main part of the days with holiday clubs in the summer?

I think there’s a bit of a cultural divide happening here. In Ireland it would be very very rare that anyone leave their 4th, 5th or 6th class child home alone especially for 4 hours (age ranges from about 10 to 13). Tusla (Irish child protection and welfare services) recommend that a child under 14 should not be left home alone for more than a short time. Having said that that are very over worked and I can’t imagine they’d do much but it wouldn’t take much for a nosy/concerned neighbour to make a report especially if you’re very rural.

I’m with you OP - I’m English but from a different background and culturally I just wouldn’t leave my child that age alone for so long. My DD similar age has a fairly short walk home but in a very quiet area and she just doesn’t feel comfortable doing it in her own - she’s very small and skinny and just feels vulnerable. It won’t always be this way but at the moment one of us WFH so we can meet her half way, or grandparents will always step in if we are both in the office. Appreciate we are lucky.

I also don’t think it’s helpful for posters to tell you it’s totally abnormal to have any kind of support in place for secondary age kids. It depends on the child and the area you live.

I was a really anxious kid as well. I walked home from school, nearly a mile everyday. I did it from a younger age. I started when I was 9 going on 10. I was fine, even though I was anxious. I had my own coping strategies, that weren't necessarily healthy, but they worked.

If your son is anxious now, in 2 years he will still be anxious. He is going to have to find a way to cope, what you should do is start leaving him alone for a short time on the weekend and set him a task, once he's finished, he can game or whatever you decide. This will help set the schedule up on weekdays, first task, then play.

If he is afraid of something, find out what and why, then help him come up with coping strategies. The one we use with my daughter is: What's worse that could happen, What's the best that could happen, What's the most likely to happen? They soon enough figure out that it's almost always the most likely.

You don't have to leave him alone, but you should address his anxiety now and work towards the goal of leaving him alone.

My 12yr old boy gets the bus to/from school and is home by himself for a few hours.

I'm not sure what I will do in the summer, he'd be happy enough left alone but he'll spend 8+hrs gaming and I'm not happy with that. There's no clubs here that cater for older kids.

It's a shame there seems to be mostly UK replies here given that it's on the Irish board.

My child is much younger but I was interested to read what the norm is these days for older children.

When my DC went into secondary school at 12 they came home and let themselves in, eldest was on his own for one year while DC 2 was still in childcare.
How long to there's an adult home?
They got home about 4pm & I was home about 5.30pm, so it wasn't too long. Generally all they did was eat cereal in that time.

I'm in Ireland too, BTW.
I've just seen your DS is in 4th class, mine were 12 going on 13 going into secondary, and obviously primary schools finish so much earlier. It'll be tough to keep him in a crèche until secondary as he'll be 13+, is there a local childminder or a mum friend that he could move to?

Hi OP - also in Ireland, with children of a similar age. I would say that based on my own experience they can mature a lot between 11 and 13. I would not have let my current 13 year old stay home alone at 11, but at 13 he is perfectly capable. So your problem really will only be there for another year or two.

I have a friend who has a 13 year old who has ASD and she is not comfortable leaving him alone for extended periods. She has hired a student to come in for 1-2 hours each afternoon to just be there for company. The student usually organises food for her child and then studies until they come home from work.

I also think the advice from @itsonlysubterfuge around slowly building him up towards being more independent and used to being on his own is very good. An hour alone here and there, or being sent on errands to shops or short trips on the bus (first with you, then alone with you waiting for him) made such a difference to my own children’s confidence. I also think giving my child a phone (he was 12) made me feel safer about him being on his own as it meant we could contact each other and I could see where we was at any time.

@Blogdog, I'm slowly building him up like you suggest, some good ideas, especially the student - thank you and @itsonlysubterfuge
Especially the tips on tackling his anxiety in a gentle way.
I agree, there's a lot of maturing going to happen when he turns 11 and through until he's 13 getting off the secondary bus. Hopefully his anxiety will ease a little as his confidence grows.

@SmallAngryPenguinWoman
Yes, luckily it will be just a couple of years, we were spoiled before where MIL and SIL helped us with that gap between creche and us coming home but MIL sadly passed away and SIL has lots on so unable to help any more but I'm going to suss out a few other mums to see who might have a similar predicament. If it was just 90 mins or so It would be fine to leave him I think - but 3 to 4 hrs not so much.

@Invisimamma same - DS would sit for hours gaming. And I'm not sure that's healthy. At least if I'm home I can send him out to kick a ball with the neighbours!

@Cadnil Your point about Tusla is important. My nightmare neighbours would be thrilled to report me for neglect. And spread shit around the village. They were also caught prowling around looking in our windows some years ago, and stole some outdoor items when we were away so not too keen on them knowing there's a child home alone for several reasons!

@DrMarciaFieldstone around here, there's no holiday clubs that's within walking distance unfortunately. We are 6km from the nearest shop /playground/ sportsground. It's not even a road that's safe to cycle on -they are rural Irish roads that barely have enough room to pass another car and no hard shoulder or path. DH takes a week every summer to coach Cúl Camp which DS attends, so that, plus our summer holidays of 2 weeks leaves only 5 or so weeks of summer to wrangle with!

Mostly local parents either work shifts and stagger them, have grandparent help, or WFH /SAHP, or any mixture or muddle of any of those. I think that DH will have to find something with flexible hours and a WFH element, and muddle along from there for a couple of years!

Childcare gets very tricky around that age. We are lucky that one of us is usually working from home. Another solution I have heard is having someone come for a couple of hours who will do some housework but also be company for your child. A work colleague had this and told the child she was a cleaner so she wouldn't be outraged at the idea of having a childminder. A student is a good idea but it might also suit someone older who is retired/ semi-retired.

@Turfwars I also wanted to say, although it's aimed at slightly younger children, my daughter really found this book very helpful. They have had it at The Works for a cheaper price if you want to look in there.

It explains all about anxiety and different strategies to work at feeling less anxious. I recommend doing it as an activity together and just a little at a time so it doesn't get overwhelming.

My daughter suffers from severe anxiety, so I know how difficult it can be coping with a child's anxiety. A lot of people just want you to throw them in the deep end, but I couldn't bear to do that. I hope everything works out well for you.

@itsonlysubterfuge I've ordered that, many thanks!

@TheVeryThing I would love a CleanerMinder, that's inspired!

Why don't you try it out? If special needs clearly this would be difficult, otherwise fine it seems. Amazing how time flies when they are occupied gaming and also the grown up responsibility he will be allowed. U could set up cameras indoors, get him to check in every 20 mins at first? X

Eldest is year 8, she walks home if I'm not around. She lets herself in, terrorises the puppy, gets herself a snack and a drink, and then does homework and watches YouTube til I get back. She also might make bracelets or practice makeup. She's totally fine by herself and she face times me if there is anything she needs to talk about (eg, I think I heard a floor board creak mum do you think it's a burglar)

OP my DD in fourth class has just started walking home a bit herself. Big busy suburb so very different to yourself. The schools around here are really trying to encourage walking or cycling to school. Most of her friends who did attend crèche have now either moved to a childminder or now since the pandemic have someone working from home so there is an adult in the house however there are a few still being collected by crèche. Once he is in secondary school he will have a much later finish so by the time he gets home and does his homework and sorts himself something to eat he won't have time to be worried about being alone. I think reach out to other parents you know in the area and see if ye can organise something for the summer holidays. I think many on here don't realise also that primary schools in Ireland seen to finish much earlier in the afternoons as well. My DD finishes at 2.10 so home by 2.30 which can make it a long afternoon if you were home alone