Wedding present for Irish couple - what is the norm nowadays?

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We are off to DH's nephew's wedding next week, and thoughts have turned to wedding gifts. They've asked for cash for their honeymoon (apparently cash for wedding gifts is the norm in Ireland? Not so much in the UK, I'd say).

We asked SIL what she was giving, and she told us that the "going rate" is 150 Euro PER PERSON. I nearly fell off my chair. There are six of us going (us five, plus DS's GF), which comes to 900 Euro. That seems like a ridiculously generous sum to me....but it's years since we went to a wedding, so perhaps I'm completely out of touch.

For perspective, we have 16 nieces and nephews between us, and this is the first one to get married. I wouldn't say we are massively close to this particular nephew, and just going to the wedding is nearly bankrupting us....everything, from the hotels to the car hire is so pricy in Ireland right now. I don't want to be stingy, but at the same time, 900 Euro is a heck of a lot of money.

So what sort of sum would you give?

Doesn't the different price points mean there isn't a going rate? People choose a gift according to what they want to spend?

I think the happy couple understand if you are travelling from England and have travel costs as well as accommodation to pay the wedding gift will be a bit less. No doubt they or someone we will be paying 100 - 120 euro per head. I always gift what I think the cost of inviting me is. So in your instance you, DH and 2 dd = 4 x 120. I would round up to 500 euros as a dear nephew. Plus D's and his gf perhaps 200. Otherwise they will be paying more to invite you than gift costs.

The gift list is still very common in the UK.
The last one we received had gifts ranging from £70 to £150.
A lovely selection of things the couple needed even though they had set up home before marriage.
They can then comment on how much they love using the said gift in their thank you notes.
It’s just a nicer (less grabby and somewhat vulgar) way of doing thing.
I have heard that some couples don’t even send individual thanks yous but put a notice in the newspaper thanking all.
Just all very impersonal.

It’s just a nicer (less grabby and somewhat vulgar) way of doing thing.

Not really sure what you mean by this... I dont agree that telling people "this is what I would like you to buy me" is less grabby than cash. And vulgar???

That's really interesting, and goes a long way towards explaining why I was so about the expectations for the size of gift, and SIL just thought we were being tight!

I think the gift list is the most grabby way and remember getting the list when I lived in London and was invited to a wedding. Everything on the list was very expensive for one of the upmarket department stores.

Exactly. On threads like these, no-one has ever been able to explain what happens if you're invited to a wedding and you don't have 150 euro pp to give as a gift (plus travel, clothes, hotel etc).

You give what you can afford be it cash or an actual present.

I would just put all.money in one envelope and right from aunt blah and uncle blah and family xx

I don’t get this at all.

If nobody comes to your wedding there is no party/celebration.

How can people be expected to fly/drive, stay in (usually) expensive accommodation AND give 200+ Euros as a gift?

Basically, guests are now paying to attend a wedding. It coincides with incredibly lavish affairs.

i know it an invitation not a command etc but it just seems horrible to me on every level.

Justasec321
I agree.

How's it horrible? The op is wondering what to give for an Irish wedding its not like the hosts are requesting specific amounts.
Irish people are very generous, they like to entertain guests well and like to reciprocate when on the receiving end. Our generous nature's mean we've lost the run of ourselves a bit. The hosts have gone into over kill making sure everyone is well fed, watered and entertained and the guests want to make sure they cover this cost and give an actual gift too.
We were at a wedding where it turned out there was a free bar all night, we ended up reopening our card to put more money in😃

If you can't afford to go to a wedding then you can't afford to go, so you don't go. Surely that's the same as a wedding anywhere?

Been to a few weddings in England and its very different. That includes the gifts given and what the guests recieve in terms of quality of food/entertainment. As well as the average number of guests.

Just a different attitude to weddings.

@AnImaginaryCat I totally agree. If people can't afford it they make their excuses and don't go. Totally different attitudes to weddings here the same way as funerals here are generally different. No one is saying one is better or worse but there are definite cultural differences. I think gift giving in Ireland in general seems very different. We give cash quite often for gifts .

Sorry that should read quantity rather than quality of food and entertainment!! Especially if you are talking food and in the West of Ireland!!

@AnImaginaryCat @SparkyBlue What, even if it's you're sister's, niece's or best friend's wedding?

Seriously? People would rather that you don't go, rather than come and celebrate the wedding of their nearest and dearest without handing over a large cash gift?

That is..... horrible.

It's not very generous to plan a big posh party, invite a load of people and expect them to pay for it, even if they can't afford it.

I've never heard anyone say that they wouldn't want people to come to a wedding if they couldn't give a present.

I have heard people say they would be embarrassed to attend and not give a gift.

Different perspective.

I wonder if It’s an Irish thing to give money or is it expected in other cultures?

Eh?

So are you saying if you can't pay for accommodation, clothes and travel in England somehow you could still finance a wedding?

Accommodation doesn't become free because you've no money. Nor does travel. Financial obstacles are financial obstacles.

If it's just the gift you can't afford then you don't give one. Probably best communicate that with your sister, niece or best friend. They'll be grand. It's a simple solution.

Well as long as it genuinely just the gift you can't afford rather than a "I've decided I've spent enough and anyway the bride and groom should be spasming with gratitude that I have graced them with my presence."

Attendance isn't an obligation. Gift amount isn't compulsory. It's just the standard amount given.

It's a cultural difference. Irish people tend to be generous. English people (from reading the many, many complaining threads about weddings on here) tend to not to be.) You'll see a difference in tipping and such like too.

See @JenniferBarkley reply.

And yes, there are many, many counties and cultures were giving money is the norm.

It’s a difference in culture… the Irish give more for whatever reason. And it’s Not quality food or entertainment because the English weddings I’ve been to are more than comparable. The Irish guests want to cover their place and give a gift, and weddings are more expensive than in the uk (although not by much) . The uk expectation are ‘just’ a gift. That said in Ireland if you’ve traveled it’s taken into account and they are really happy you made the effort! I do think that in Ireland giving can be a little more competitive … maybe that’s my experience 😂

It's common across many cultures because it's practical.

That's absolutely not what we are saying. Just that attitudes are different. We have a family wedding next September 2023. Rooms already booked in the hotel and I know it's coming up so I'll budget for it. It's just a different culture similar to back to school here where parents spend a fortune compared to English parents as we pay for every little thing or paying to see a gp. It's just something that's done. Of course there will always be guests that don't give gifts at all. Sometimes because they can't afford them and sometimes possibly because they are stingy but the norm is the give a generous gift. My best friend and bridesmaid was a mature student when I got married and I made sure my wedding didn't cost her anything. She bought me a small but really meaningful gift for my house and my mothers neighbour came to the wedding and made me a gift as she loves crafting which I very much appreciated. My cousins neighbour was very active in the local choir and he sang at her wedding in the church and that was his gift to her. It's not always money.

I wonder is the difference also because Irish weddings tend to be all day and night affairs finishing up at 3/4am. We know how much is going into the day - (reception drinks, canapés, three course dinner, wine, late evening food, band, residents bar) and there is definitely a thinking that we want to give a gift on top of what the couple has spent to host (though I don't think it's as mercenary as 'paying for your place'). Some of our English guests had never been to an Irish wedding and were giddy with expectation of these fabled 'Irish weddings' they'd heard tale of! They disappeared to bed by midnight after far too much whiskey 😆