Advice needed! DH hasn't paid mortgage for 10 months

[Sunnydale]

Hello - just after some advice. DH hasn't paid his half of the mortgage for ten months. Our account is now £20,000 overdrawn, and it is scaring me. Thankfully, the interest is "only" £80 a month as our rate is low, but every morning I wake up and feel sick about it. I have never been overdrawn in my life; my mother brought me up always to pay the mortgage before anything else, and I'm struggling with how my finances are now in disarray because his are. I have tried to talk to him about it but I find it hard, as I don't want to have an argument. I don't understand where his money goes. Am I being unreasonable to feel angry? I already pay £500 a month more than him as I earn more, but I don't feel comfortable paying the entire mortgage myself, as it's not fair. I really don't know what to do. I am seven months pregnant, which is probably making the situation worse. What would you do, and has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks v much

I agree with all the above - once you get married, you are a unit, not two separate people. "All that I have I share with you" and all that. On the other hand, I can see why two high-earning, independent people might well carry on thinking and acting independently even once married. It tends to be once children come along that people start thinking jointly about finances, career choices etc.

Anyway, from a practical perspective, here's what I would do if I were in your position:

1. Use your savings to pay that £20k into the mortgage account asap, so that the interest and bank charges on the overdraft stop racking up. (I am sure that the interest on the overdraft will way outweigh whatever interest you might be earning on your £20k savings).

2. Agree with DH whether, as a couple (with a baby on the way), you can both afford for him not to earn very much. If you are willing to be the main breadwinner, and you earn enough for you all to live on, then fine. If not then he will need to give up on the book and earn some more.

3. Agree with DH what sort of level is reasonable for you both to spend - I don't mean a set amount per month, but things like "do I make sandwiches or buy Pret", "do i get clothes from Primark or Aquascutum". It is not right if one of you is always spending much more than the other on things for themselves... no matter who earns more. It sounds like you are a saver and he is a spender, and you both need to adjust your spending habits to meet somewhere in the middle (probably more towards the saving side if you have a child on the way).

4. As regards the £20,000 that he should have been paying and hasn't, you have a choice. Strictly the "fair" thing would be for him to scrimp and save (i.e. spend even less than the "agreed" level) in order to pay that back to you. However, provided he changes his spending ways, my suggestion would be that, as a married couple, you wipe that slate clean.

hope that helps in some way. good luck x

I have separate savings from my partner. He has an overdraft. So bite me.

He actually earns a lot more than I do, and does contribute more than I do to the joint account we also have - but that hasn't always been the case. I really don't see why my pension, such as it is, should be endangered by the hopelessness with money of someone I didn't even meet till my mid-30s.

OP I think that points of view have been stated very strongly in response (in a typical MN way) and, as toja has suggested, look at the responses and find the pieces of advice that you can take up and don't worry about the criticism.

FWIW, we only have one account - so what we earn is 'our' money. I don't feel it necessary to justify every last penny I spend, and neither does dh, but we agree any significant purchases.

I think that you need to look at your outgoings and make sure that all of these are covered by a Direct Debit from yours and your dh's accounts. However, you might want to consider whether you should also both be paying surplus money into a 'shared' savings account - you wouldn't have been able to 'save' your £20k if he hadn't commited to paying the mortage for instance.

I also think that you need to have an open and frank discussion with your dh about the amount of earnings that he is bringing in, whether you can support him whilst he finishes his book (and certain requirements on that - such as he needs to be spending time working on that, not doing other things) and a time frame in which this will be achieved.

I hope you manage to sort it all out with him.

I agree with BossyKate re the role of an agreement in the partnership.

Sunnydale, I see this as not so much about the agreement the two of you made in the first place - which was presumably discussed and agreed, and your perogative to feel OK with, no matter what MN thinks - but about the fact that he then unilaterally changed that agreement by not keeping up with his contribution to payments.

You have both had a lot on your plates. It is understandable that things got pushed down the list to be dealt with, but now I thnk you need to sit down and re-asses what is going on. Is it realistic that he pay that amount? Are you, in fact, happy to support him to do something which brings in little income? If not, be clear, you can't say 'oh yes, I support you to write for no money, but I will get mad when you don't pay £1,500 you don't have each month'.

You also need to agree to manage your affairs jointly - by that I don't mean pool all your money (unless you wnat to - do what's best for you) BUT once a month check all your statements together and talk about any problems and agree a solution.

Has he had this money and frittered it? Or simply not had it?

Anyway, Good Luck.

Also, as you are both freelance I think it is especially important that you have built up savings- well done - especially as you say you don't in fact earn loads more than him.

It sounds as if you can't, as a couple, afford for him to take time out to write a book, so be honest about that, his tying to write whilst also doing bits of work for money is clearly not working - and probably a esult of his being 'hopeless with money' and planning, as you say.

Maybe, with the huge mortgage payments you have, you need to be realistic and concentrate on guaranteed income, because if he can't pay on what he is bringing in, and you can't as a couple manage without it, then maybe he has to put the book on hold. The death of his father will have knocked him f six - maybe he has been in denial about not being aboe to provide for his family, etc.

talk, listen, talk, listen....sort it out between you (and the mortgage co, of course!)

You aren't married to Martin Lewis are you?

And his latest book to be called ' How to be a complete spendthrift within a marriage'?

Very easy to lay the blame less easy to accept that you may also be to blame.

Sunnydale - it seems that there are lots of different opinions on this thread, and lots of different assumptions being made by us all about how agreed the 'agreement' was up front.

Would you come back and let us know what happens once you have talked to your dh? And please don't delay on that, as you really need to sort this out once and for all asap.

I agree with other posters about shared responsibility, talking etc. but the other thing that strikes me about this situation is that £3k a month on a mortgage is a massive financial commitment and might be stressing your DH out to the point that he is hiding his head under the sand.

I think you need quite an open conversation not just about money but about the house as well and whether it is worth the stress or if you can make alternative arrangements.

Sorry if I sounded a little abrupt with my previous post.

It can sometimes be like feeding yourself to the sharks when you post on here.

I used to be a debt adviser and have seen lots of cases much worse than yours.

Managing your finances isn't something which is taught in schools and with all the complex products out there and irresponsible marketing it's no wonder thousands of people are in a similar situation to you.

And a married couple who don't manage their money as a team is nothing unique either.

Most peole get married/live together/take on a joint mortgage without properly discussing their income/expenditure first.

Just see this as a near escape (at least you're not being repossesed)and learn from your mistakes.