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Original poster

Advice needed! DH hasn't paid mortgage for 10 months

59 replies

Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 20:35

Hello - just after some advice. DH hasn't paid his half of the mortgage for ten months. Our account is now £20,000 overdrawn, and it is scaring me. Thankfully, the interest is "only" £80 a month as our rate is low, but every morning I wake up and feel sick about it. I have never been overdrawn in my life; my mother brought me up always to pay the mortgage before anything else, and I'm struggling with how my finances are now in disarray because his are. I have tried to talk to him about it but I find it hard, as I don't want to have an argument. I don't understand where his money goes. Am I being unreasonable to feel angry? I already pay £500 a month more than him as I earn more, but I don't feel comfortable paying the entire mortgage myself, as it's not fair. I really don't know what to do. I am seven months pregnant, which is probably making the situation worse. What would you do, and has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks v much

OP posts:

themothershipcalling · 03/02/2010 21:38

I work in an financial services underwriting department and I hope you're not planning on getting any new credit anytime soon because if your mortgage is messed up then no-one will go near you.

You need to get this mess sorted out, then get rid of the joint accounts and get yourself finacially dissassociatied from him. That way he can mess up all he likes and if won't affect you.

Lilyloo · 03/02/2010 21:42

So your mortgage has been paid ??
And you have a current account with a 20,000 overdraft ?

That is a very generous overdraft ? What happens when you reach your limit on that ?

hf128219 · 03/02/2010 21:42

So the mortgage has been paid for the last 10 months - but he has not paid in the 20K he should have into that current account.

Did you never look at it yourself?

heQet · 03/02/2010 21:44

no lily, I think it's one of those mortgage accounts. I had one years ago. like this

Missus84 · 03/02/2010 21:47

I would want to take complete control of his finances if this was me tbh. All his wages going into my bank account, and I would give him what's left over as spending money.

CantSleepWontSleep · 03/02/2010 21:48

No anyfucker, I mean that if this were a man posting saying that he earns loads more than his wife but why should he pay the mortgage so that she can pursue her chosen career which pays less then people would jump on him and tell him to cough up.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 21:51

oh sorry, cantsleep, I see what you mean now

ronx · 03/02/2010 22:01

Sunnydale If you have the cash in your account, then you need to settle the debt asap. THe lender won't care who was at fault.

It's not your fault that your husband didn't pay his share of the mortgage (although I'm a bit at not realising that you're £20k in debt) but you are both liable for the debt.

Bumperlicious · 03/02/2010 22:01

I don't think they would if, like the OP's DH, they had been deliberately hiding it, and not paying despite allegedly having enough money.

OP I don't even know where to start. This doesn't seem like a very good basis for a relationship. You need to get to the CAB I think and see what options are available.

Your DH clearly cannot control his finances so either you take control, which doesn't really help or he needs to learn how to with your support.

The sensible thing would be for you to pay off your debt with the money you have and arrange a repayment schedule with your DH. Otherwise I would be thinking about taking his name off the mortgage. Though being a renter I have no idea if you can do that.

Original poster

Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 22:02

Hi "Cantsleep". I don't earn loads more than him, for a start. And I already pay more of the mortgage, to an extent that is proportionately fair in terms of our earning disparity. You are probably right, though. I probably should pay it all so that he can write his book. I assume that's what you would do? You are more giving than I am, then. I feel like I need to protect myself. I feel this because my DH hasn't been honest with me. He keeps saying he can pay it and will sort it, then doesn't.

The £20k debt isn't entirely down to him. It is about £12k down to his not paying his share of the mortgage and the rest down to more money going out on direct debits (bills) than we are paying in.

Anyway thanks for all your replies; it's really nice of you to spare the time and it has really helped me to see the situation from so many different angles, not least because I feel I can't discuss it with anyone in RL.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2010 22:08

right so you're both at fault then

your bills are higher than the money you are paying for them... and yet you have both let the account go more and more anbd more overdrawn..

WHY??????????

You both need to grow up and get a grip unless you want to be out on the streets with a newborn.
writing a book my arse, he needs to think about his family and his house and THEN his book

SleepingLion · 03/02/2010 22:08

This is the second thread tonight where I have wondered why married couples (who presumably got married because they love each other yadda yadda yadda) don't talk to one another.

If this was me, about nine months ago I'd have said 'Oi, DH, why haven't you paid your half of the mortgage this month?' and the conversation would have carried on from there and it would have been sorted, one way or another.

If having a conversation with your husband is more difficult than being in debt to the tune of £20 K then you have weird priorities, frankly.

And I would love to see the thread where a man complained that he didn't feel comfortable paying the entire mortgage himself because it wasn't fair if his wife was in a low-paying job or was a SAHM. He would get shot down in flames!

Portofino · 03/02/2010 22:21

I have to say that I find it very hard to believe that supposedly intelligent people could get in THAT much debt and not realise!!! Do you not look at your finances?

I am no angel. We have debt, but I know exactly how much it is. And what the repayments are. And if DH was off spending all the cash, I can assure you he would not get away with that for more than two weeks.....

Northernlurker · 03/02/2010 22:34

I was thinking £500 wasn't much for bills. I don't have a lot of sympathy for you op tbh. You are MARRIED - theefore you need to stop thinking quite so much in terms of what's fair and what isn't. It's a bloody good job for me my husband doesn't think like that. For the whole of our marriage he has paid the mortgage from his salary which has always dwarfed mine. On the other hand he would have been screwed without all the child raising I've done....'fair' doesn't come in to it. You obviously have got yourself in to a bad position and he needs to pull his finger out and make a contribution and you need to grow up a bit and take responsibility for your own affairs. This didn't happen overnight. Remember Mr Micawber's principle - can't recall the exact quote but in modern terms if you earn 50 grand and spend 49,999 = result happiness. If you earn 50 grand and spend 50,500 - result misery!

Fruitysunshine · 03/02/2010 22:42

Good post Northernlurker

foreverastudent · 03/02/2010 22:42

Please go and get some professional money advice asap, and take your DH and all your bills, bank statements, etc with you. If you've got the cash to pay off the debt, do it, leaving only a small emergency fund.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:51

look op, there is a difference between financial indepence and sticking your bloody head in the sand

you have both been very foolish

now both of you together need financial help to sort this mess out

and you need to start asking some difficult questions of your DH

Original poster

Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 22:54

Blimey - I've never been told off so harshly in my life! Lucky I'm not in tears over my laptop, ladies! Well, I asked the questions so I'd better be tough enough to take the answers, seven months pregnant or not. It's been very interesting taking replies from strangers who have no friend-like obligation to be kind or sensitive: quite refreshing, in fact. I'm going to bed now but again, genuine thanks for your many and varied pieces of advice.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 04/02/2010 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxytocin · 04/02/2010 01:40

I think you need financial advice (a lot already given), and Relate or a divorce.

toja555 · 04/02/2010 09:45

Sunnydale, I once posted one topic in mumsnet and was eaten alive please take the best pieces of advice and do not take it too emotionally.
If I was you, I would 1) repay the debt with your savings first 2) take over full control of finance.
I also earn more than my DH, and we do not have joint account. I pay off the mortgage, bills, food and household things, he pays for childcare. After all payments we each remain with similar amount of money for personal expenses which we do not account to each other. DH transfers money for childcare into my account. Tbh, I love being in charge of family finance, that way I know there will be no surprises, which gives me great peace of mind.
Good luck!

QuintessentiallyWondering · 04/02/2010 09:52

My mind boggles.

You pay £2000, he is supposed to pay £1500. (you dont pay a lot more than him, to be honest)
You know he has odd jobs, inconsistent income, and writes a book.
You have been able to save over £20k.
You are married
You are hesitant to pay HIS debt

Why oh why did you never check the mortgage account? Did it never occur to you to check the statements? It seems you have both been pretty irresponsible financially.

You dont seem to get that marriage is a partnershiup.

MegBusset · 04/02/2010 10:01

Yet again I don't get all this HIS income and MY income and HIS debt and MY debt

you are supposed to be life partners!

Clear the mortgage arrears now by any means necessary, then sit down like normal married adults and do a proper joint budget.

nickytwotimes · 04/02/2010 10:03

What Meg just said.

His half of the mortgage?!

Jesus.

bossykate · 04/02/2010 10:28

i think lots of you are being horrid to the op. they had an agreement, which :drum roll: doesn't exactly coincide with what you do in your houses, so what. there's really no need to be quite so harsh is there? the point is he hasn't stuck to his side of the agreement, and lied about it. that's what's not on here, that's not "getting" a partnership - not that the two of them don't do things exactly like some of you.

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