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Original poster

Advice needed! DH hasn't paid mortgage for 10 months

59 replies

Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 20:35

Hello - just after some advice. DH hasn't paid his half of the mortgage for ten months. Our account is now £20,000 overdrawn, and it is scaring me. Thankfully, the interest is "only" £80 a month as our rate is low, but every morning I wake up and feel sick about it. I have never been overdrawn in my life; my mother brought me up always to pay the mortgage before anything else, and I'm struggling with how my finances are now in disarray because his are. I have tried to talk to him about it but I find it hard, as I don't want to have an argument. I don't understand where his money goes. Am I being unreasonable to feel angry? I already pay £500 a month more than him as I earn more, but I don't feel comfortable paying the entire mortgage myself, as it's not fair. I really don't know what to do. I am seven months pregnant, which is probably making the situation worse. What would you do, and has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks v much

OP posts:
Ewe · 03/02/2010 20:40

YANBU to feel angry, I would be bloody fuming.

No idea what you should do, it sounds terribly stressful and I hope that someone more useful will be along shortly.

Why hasn't he paid it?

Lilyloo · 03/02/2010 20:40

Maybe put this in money matters.

Are you still together ?
I am surprised the mortgage company haven't started action against you before now tbh

Have you spoken to your provider ?

heQet · 03/02/2010 20:41

oh dear. What would I do? I'd talk to him. You are not being unreasonable to want him to pay his share! If he gets angry with you, then you need to think where his money could be going! I don't think there's an easy, pain free way out of this. You may not be able to avoid an argument.

Does he drink? Gamble? Could you think of anything else he could be devoting his money too?

You need to sit down together, and go through your finances.

What does he say when you try to talk to him?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 03/02/2010 20:44

You don't want an argument? Why the hell not? He has got you into a big mess while pregnant with his child. He needs a kick in the bollocks.

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2010 20:45

why on earth not???? you don't want to have an argument???

he is risking losing your home, when you';re 7 months pregnant and you don't want to argue with him??????

i'd suggest that's why he doesn't bother.

you're £20,000 in debt because he has wasted all his money?

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2010 20:45

So he is still earning money?

Have you been payng all of the mortgage for the past ten months?

You need to talk to your DH about this. I don't necessarily agree with you about you paying all of the mortgage not fair, as long as he is contributing as much as he can towards other household expenses.

So what is he spening his earings on?

harecare · 03/02/2010 20:46

Contact your mortgage company immediately. I'm surprised they've not been in touch with you yet.
You need to have a serious sit down pdq with all figures to hand.
He clearly can't be trusted to deal with finances so perhaps you'd be best off getting a set amount of money from him each month and you deal with the bills etc?
By the way, I think your overdraft rate of interest will probably be much higher than getting a loan.
Assuming you have a set income you need to work with that and cut your outgoings as much as possible then work out a way to manage the existing debt better.

MadamDeathstare · 03/02/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2010 20:46

i would talk to him, and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that the mortgage gets paid.
he pays half.
end of

you then get him to phone the bank and set up a direct debit, so that he can't just not pay it in future.

seriously, what a twat

Lilyloo · 03/02/2010 20:48

Are you overdrawn on your mortgage or is that £20,000 on your current account ?

Agree with others about 'not wanting an argument' is a bit late.

What will happen when you go on mat leave ??

Original poster
Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 20:49

No he doesn't drink or gamble - definitely not. I suppose he is just rubbish with money; there can be no other conclusion. And I didn't know this when I married him, despite us being together for 10 years. Whoever said you only really know someone when you live together is darned right. Actually, you only really know someone when you open a joint account together...

I think he hasn't paid it because he hasn't got the money, and the reason he hasn't got the money is because he is writing a book which has taken him longer than he thought to finish, because he is trying to earn money in the meantime with other jobs that take him away from writing the book. But, like, whatever. He still earns a fair amount (or so he says), so it doesn't explain why he can't pay the mortgage. He is a freelancer, so I know payment can be erratic, but that doesn't explain it entirely. I don't understand what he is prioritizing over this. I cannot believe I am in this situation. You wanna see how careful I am with money. What a waste of time. It's my birthday soon and I don't even feel we can do anything when we are this much overdrawn. The weird thing is, he doesn't seem to think it is serious. I can tell from your replies that I'm not alone in thinking it is! Thanks for at least making me realise I'm not being melodramatic!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 20:55

you are not being melodramatic enough !!

you must have a bloody massive mortgage from what you have said

why don't you know what he earns ?

why are you frightened of him ? Are you worried he will leave you if you rock the boat ?

Speak to the mortgage company, get some legal advice from CAB and sort your marriage out.

You must be mad to put up with this shit.

MegBusset · 03/02/2010 20:57

I never understand why some married/co-habiting couples have this separation of money. Surely it's much fairer and easier for it to all be done jointly.

So you have one joint account and all your and his income goes into it.

Then you budget what you need to pay mortgage/bills/etc each month and that comes out of it.

Whatever surplus is left, give an equal amount spending money to each of you which you can spend on beer/shoes/whatever without having to explain to the other one.

Anything left goes in savings.

heQet · 03/02/2010 21:00

If it was me, I'd be wanting to look at his bank statements if he was being so secretive! (I know, privacy yadda yadda yadda. bugger that!) You are supposed to be a family, not communicating and agreeing finances is not an option. You are not unreasonable at all.

There would be nothing wrong with him taking time out to concentrate on his book - if you both agreed that and if you were happy to be the breadwinner. many families only have one wage earner. But that needs to be discussed and agreed. Him just spending his money on himself while you pay for everything isn't on.

choosyfloosy · 03/02/2010 21:03

farking nora. Speaking as the daughter of a mother who was ace with money and a father who, er, wasn't, your marriage is doomed if you DON'T talk about this - whether it turns into an argument or not. Again and again and again until it is sorted and you know, not just what happened this time, but what gives on the money side, every day for the rest of your lives together.

Clearly you have different attitudes to money, but many couples do, and that doesn't have to mean the end. What works for you? This is not a question of you deciding what works, and him falling in with it, despite his spectacular dereliction of duty here. You have got to work it out together. For example, quite a lot of couples don't have joint accounts. For the first five years of our marriage, dh and I didn't. This doesn't mean we don't love each other, it just worked for us at the time.

It can be particularly tricky where freelance work is concerned, but it really shouldn't be beyond him to start putting money aside against the ups and downs of selfemployment. And if the money is just not coming in, then you need to know immediately, not when he feels he wants to tell you.

Sounds like I'm arguing with you now! Don't waste a minute - go and ask him what's going on and to explain to you where things went pear-shaped.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 21:04

fuck privacy in this situation

carry on letting him have his privacy and you will be out on the streets...

now that is melodramatic...

lolster · 03/02/2010 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 03/02/2010 21:16

Do you really mean you have an overdraft of £20 000? Or that the amount owing on your mortgage that he hasn't paid is £20 000?

Rindercella · 03/02/2010 21:20

You need to talk to him about this. What happens when you go on ML and your income drops?

Your DH needs a kick up the arse. With a new child on the way, he needs to take financial responsibility (as you so obviously do) and not be frittering his money away.

skidoodle · 03/02/2010 21:20

He has effectively been stealing from you for the past 10 months.

This is a huge, big deal.

Lilyloo · 03/02/2010 21:24

Am presuming that you are 20,000 behind on your mortgage.
Given you will be getting reduced wage soon i think you need to address this with dh / provider asap.
Did dh give you this information or has your provider contacted you ?

llareggub · 03/02/2010 21:32

Have you not had letters from the bank about this?

CantSleepWontSleep · 03/02/2010 21:32

You don't sound very much like a family unit to me. You have no idea how much he earns or what he spends 'his' money on. You don't want to pay the whole mortgage yourself despite earning more because 'it's not fair'.
Did you get a pre-nup too?!

Who will pay the mortgage whilst you are on maternity leave?

Are you supportive of him writing his book? Theoretically or in practice?

Surely all the money that you both earn belongs to you both as a family, and should be spent accordingly, so yes, putting the mortgage first from your joint income, whoever earned it.

His crime here is in not standing up to you and telling you that he wasn't paying, rather than the fact that he possibly doesn't earn enough to pay it.

If it were a man posting this about his dw then I am quite certain that you would have got a very different response from the ones posted so far.

Original poster
Sunnydale · 03/02/2010 21:37

Thanks for your replies. The mortgage is £3000 a month. I pay £2000 and he is supposed to pay £1500. This goes into our joint account, from which £3000 is taken out automatically for the mortgage. The rest - £500 - is for bills. It's the mortgage current account which is £20,000 overdrawn, because the mortgage repayments are taken out of that even if we don't pay them in.

In addition, we both have separate current accounts for our own purposes - and thank god we do. I have never questioned his spending and he has never questioned mine. My finances are healthy, to the extent that I could pay off our £20,000 debt tomorrow. But sod that. It's not my debt. Or is it? The banks would see it as such, as we are married. The banks would not distinguish on who had defaulted on the mortgage if they repossessed the house. But I'll be damned if all my hard earned money - which I've CHOSEN to save - should be expended on bailing us out of a debt that he is mainly responsible for. Does that make me a bad wife? For richer and for poorer and all that. Am I being selfish in not "saving' the situation, when I can?

DH is not a wanker. He is at church this very moment trying to do good. He does so much good for other people that he doesn't have time to earn money. I think he is in denial about the extent of the problem. And there always seems a reason not to talk about it. His dad died six months ago. I had a miscarriage. And so on. You know? I have been trying to avoid the inevitable showdown and the grizly truth. I can see from your reactions that I've been wrong to. I will resolve to bring it up tomorrow, however bad it may turn out to be. If he really is long-term screwed with money, I'd rather know so I can deal with it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 21:38

what do you mean cantsleep, if the tables were turned that there would be a different response

if this were a woman we would be saying it was perfectly ok to lie, deceive and run the risk of putting your family out on the street ??

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