I worry I'll make my mum homeless

[lalah20]

Hello all

I'm 30 years old, a single professional and living with my 60 year old mum and I work full time and earn a decent salary. I am in the process of buying my first home and thanks to living at home I've been able to save up a deposit.

We live in a 3 bed housing association property and my brother left about 10 years ago. He has mental health problems and these were exacerbated by our difficult childhood and very toxic, controlling narcissistic mother.

For a long time I've wanted to move out but I've stayed living with mum for the sake of saving money. If I'd have left and rented, homeownership would have been totally out of reach for me. I am 30 and need to have my own space and independence for my life to progress. I just don't have total freedom living with my mum.

Anyway, I worry about how my mum's life will unfold following my house purchase. My mum has buy now pay later cards for purchases as well as a car lease that is around £300 a month. Because of our spare room she gets affected by the bedroom tax which means she gets 17% less benefits. I give her £450 a month towards bills etc so in theory she has more than enough to live comfortably at the moment but she still seems to struggle. When I leave she will be even shorter for cash as the bedroom tax will rise to 25% and she will be without my £450. She'll be losing about £650 a month with me gone, pretty much.

As she's such a controlling toxic person I have to keep all my milestones a secret from her and I'm just dreading the day I tell her I'm moving out. I will wait until the exchange of contracts until telling her. The more time between leaving and telling her the more unbearable it will be for me. A few years ago I got a job volunteering abroad (1 year only) and when I told her she totally exploded and was nothing but verbally abusive towards me, saying "HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!!! YOU'RE MAKING ME HOMELESS!!". She managed just fine while I was away regardless. My life was hell from the time I told her till the time I left. This time it will be even bigger. This is the scariest thing I'm about to do. I just need to be strong. I also fear she will let herself become homeless in the hope of coming to live with me and therefore controlling my life eternally. However I would of course not let this happen.

My current ideas for her are to get a lodger to help towards bills. Possibly give up her car lease. Or downsize to a smaller property. There are options. Sadly for her as she's a b*tch I have no option but to tell her at the last minute. If she was nice I'd of course tell her with plenty of time. What other suggestions do you have? I feel like I'm being so selfish!

Another idea I have is to lie and say my dad is helping me with the house purchase. This way she will be less angry. Her knowing that I've saved up enough to buy a house while living with her will make her totally enraged and jealous.

This is the last hurdle with her and I pray I have the strength to survive it.

Your not being selfish but I feel sorry for you be is like you said she may intentionally become homeless (stop paying rent) so she gets evicted and can move in with you, Dont let her move in or stay temporarily but im sure you know that anyway.
Offer to help her make a budget ? Sounds like she hasn't got one, write everything coming in,vand everything going out and maybe set up direct decide for rent, council tax, utilities, and write down how much she has spare a week maybe / Good luck in your new home and new life of freedom 👍

It's really important that you live your own life and most parents want that for their children. Unfortunately you moving out will always lead to a dramatic decline in income for your mum, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, you definitely should. I do think it is better to tell her now rather than wait until completion though, because it will at least allow her to prepare herself, whether she chooses to do that or not.

Haven’t read the full thread - but her benefit entitlement re bedroom tax will not change when you move out - as you’re not her dependent, so what she gets for rent towards the property now from housing benefit or UC will remain the same.

Ultimately, your Mum is an adult and it is up to her to manage her money. Did she seriously believe that you would be there forever, as a 30 year old woman with a career.

Your Mum is quite fortunate and has more options than some - she could potentially let your room to a lodger, although some HA tenancies don’t allow this. Once you move out, she’d become eligible for a single person council tax discount, so should claim that straight away.

The housing association could also potentially offer her a smaller, more affordable place.

As she also has debt, I suggest you recommend she get advice from Citizens Advice and her housing association to smooth the transition - once you’ve told her you’re moving out. Maybe give the housing association a discrete heads up about the situation once you’ve told her you’re moving, if they’re approachable, as they don’t want the hassle of tenants not paying / making evictions if they can avoid it.

Making herself homeless and landing on your doorstep with her stuff should be avoided at all costs, as I feel that you would struggle to turn her away.

Congratulations on your new place 🎉

If she is 60 and you are 30 then she clearly managed independently for some time as an adult before you came along.

You are not responsible for your mother, however I do think giving her a couple of months notice to make alternative housing/budgeting arrangements is the decent thing to do.

Just because someone has been obnoxious to you, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do the right thing. That way you have nothing to feel guilty about and can move on with your head held high.

Yes. I've decided I will tell her on completion day. If I tell her before I risk her sabotaging the whole thing. The more time between her knowing and me leaving the more misery and stress I will be put through. I will follow your advice. It's about protecting myself at the end of the day 🙏🏽

In theory the HA will be delighted to move her to a smaller property but it doesn't always happen. My DSis is in a similar position now the DC have left home and has been asking for a smaller place for years. The HA don't seem to be interested. It's ridiculous when a family could be living in her house.

what your mum will struggle with is that often with HA / Council properties 1bed flats are the same cost or sometime more that a 3 bed house

my friends looked at downsizing her rent on a 3 bed town house style house was 115
gorgeous house big garden , double drive
solar panels so very cheap to run

a old style 1bed flat was 140 and new builds were even more at around 165 a week

she stayed and took in a lodger instead

You would likely need to pay a landlord a month’s notice even if you moved out sooner. You should give your mother the same courtesy.

Yes, same, my parents live in a 4-bed house, and all their adult children have moved out.

They have asked HA for support in finding a suitable new property, but they aren't bothered. Also, HA 2-bed new builds are more expensive than their lovely 4-bed property!

Lots of pp saying downsize, it’s not that easy. The smaller places were are snapped up when the bedroom tax came in. People had to move away to new areas because there’s such a shortage of smaller properties.
It’s really not that simple now.

If she ends up with two spare bedrooms and not one then the bedroom tax will go up. It’s based on how many spare rooms you have.

That is only the case if you have dependents- so 1 child and 1 parent in 3 bedroom = 1 spare room.
1 adult child (not on parents claim as not a dependent) and one parent in 3 bedroom = 2 spare rooms - benefits only cover the parent who is claiming.

an adult cannot claim rent allowance for another adult unless it is a joint claim - OP said she is working so the parent will not get benefits for her 30 year old daughter who works.

the parent will though be exempt from bedroom tax, so full rent paid: when she reaches state retirement.

Please keep us informed of how things progress. You can do this one day at a time. Well done for making the decision

I agree with lots of the above.
Give her a month's money in lieu of notice.
Do not tell her your finances (how much deposit you've saved/mortgage payments etc) as she might be aggrieved or think you're rolling in it and ask for money in the future.
Suggest she looks into downsizing, getting a lodger, changing her car - I'd be tempted to put these ideas in writing as she may not be receptive on the day! Well done, what an achievement! Walk away without any guilt and enjoy your freedom 💐

As others have said, being a HA tenant gives her options, and at 60, she would be eligible for over 60s housing, a bungalow or flat. Some social housing providers would give priority to a tenant in your mum’s situation.

It has been financially mutually beneficial to you both to share, but you are doing the right thing now for you. Up to your mum, as an independent adult to sort out her own life. Cheaper heating, possibly a lower council tax band, and she’ll only pay 75% as a solo occupier. ‘Bedroom tax’ only applies to tenants receiving housing benefits, it makes no difference to those who pay all their rent themselves anyway. Unless she likes gardening and housework downsizing could be a real positive.

She will have to work more and / or downsize. Surely it’s obvious that you and your brother weren’t going to live at home forever? I would tell her at the last possible moment, can you afford to give her a months rent and then leave? Ultimately she needs to stand on her own 2 feet

If she's that difficult to live with, then I think maybe you shouldn't tell her that you're moving out until after you've completed your purchase and taken possession of your new home.

Once you've completed and have got vacant possession, you can tell your mum that you are moving out and give her a couple of month's expenses (s £900, if you can afford it) in lieu of notice.

You are not responsible for your mother's life. You already know that she is toxic and controlling. She does not get to have an opinion on whether or not you can live your own life. She is capable of making her own decisions and if those lead to her getting into a pickle that will be 100% on her, zero blame on you.

Social housing organisations are desperate for people like your mum to move into appropriate smaller housing and release the 3 bedroom homes for the enormous waiting lists of families who are stuck in overcrowded accommodation. It is not your job to think of ways for her to keep a 3 bedroom house of she wants to. It is not her right to keep a 3 bedroom house if she can't afford it. It is not your problem or your fault if she isn't happy

Thing is OP as a single professional on a decent salary you had choices. You could have rented in a house share that would have enabled you to build the same deposit. If you didn’t want to share you could have rented a studio or one bed flat and still have a deposit and be eligible for a mortgage.

Why did you choose to live with your mother at great emotional cost for no or little financial benefit?

Perhaps as an adult on a decent wage sharing a house with your mother (your choice) you could have afforded to contribute more so 50% of household costs or more but have benefited by paying less to save for house purchase?

So you have chosen to live with your mother because it’s to your financial advantage and are now planning to run away and leave her financially disadvantaged with no time to plan because you can’t face being honest.

I hope you don’t plan on any relationship in the future. You could have become independent and have gone low or no contact years ago. Why didn’t you?

I only recently (3 years ago) started my career. I am from South London where simple rooms in a flat share typically cost upwards of £1000 a month. I have been giving my mum £450 a month which has helped her a lot and has enabled me to save. We have both benefitted. If I moved out sooner we'd have both been worse off financially. You have no idea the kind of crap I've gone through for the sake of a) financially supporting my mother and b) having money to save myself.
And what does having a relationship have to do with any of this? If I'd have become independent from my early twenties I'd have minimal savings and would be doomed by being a renter for life

She goes on the housing register and downsizes to a 1 bed. In the LA I work in, she would be housed the same week. Very simple solution, if she wants it.

She needs to downsize, give up the car lease, or stop claiming means tested benefits.

As you’ve lived so cheaply, perhaps you should help her?

I was thinking, I could even take in a lodger in my new home and give her a couple hundred a month until she retires and is no longer affected by the bedroom tax. Or I could find her a lodger to stay in my old room as it will be already be kitted out with furniture when I leave

Stop worrying about her. This is totally the wrong way around. You should be happy and proud of yourself