I worry I'll make my mum homeless

[lalah20]

Hello all

I'm 30 years old, a single professional and living with my 60 year old mum and I work full time and earn a decent salary. I am in the process of buying my first home and thanks to living at home I've been able to save up a deposit.

We live in a 3 bed housing association property and my brother left about 10 years ago. He has mental health problems and these were exacerbated by our difficult childhood and very toxic, controlling narcissistic mother.

For a long time I've wanted to move out but I've stayed living with mum for the sake of saving money. If I'd have left and rented, homeownership would have been totally out of reach for me. I am 30 and need to have my own space and independence for my life to progress. I just don't have total freedom living with my mum.

Anyway, I worry about how my mum's life will unfold following my house purchase. My mum has buy now pay later cards for purchases as well as a car lease that is around £300 a month. Because of our spare room she gets affected by the bedroom tax which means she gets 17% less benefits. I give her £450 a month towards bills etc so in theory she has more than enough to live comfortably at the moment but she still seems to struggle. When I leave she will be even shorter for cash as the bedroom tax will rise to 25% and she will be without my £450. She'll be losing about £650 a month with me gone, pretty much.

As she's such a controlling toxic person I have to keep all my milestones a secret from her and I'm just dreading the day I tell her I'm moving out. I will wait until the exchange of contracts until telling her. The more time between leaving and telling her the more unbearable it will be for me. A few years ago I got a job volunteering abroad (1 year only) and when I told her she totally exploded and was nothing but verbally abusive towards me, saying "HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!!! YOU'RE MAKING ME HOMELESS!!". She managed just fine while I was away regardless. My life was hell from the time I told her till the time I left. This time it will be even bigger. This is the scariest thing I'm about to do. I just need to be strong. I also fear she will let herself become homeless in the hope of coming to live with me and therefore controlling my life eternally. However I would of course not let this happen.

My current ideas for her are to get a lodger to help towards bills. Possibly give up her car lease. Or downsize to a smaller property. There are options. Sadly for her as she's a b*tch I have no option but to tell her at the last minute. If she was nice I'd of course tell her with plenty of time. What other suggestions do you have? I feel like I'm being so selfish!

Another idea I have is to lie and say my dad is helping me with the house purchase. This way she will be less angry. Her knowing that I've saved up enough to buy a house while living with her will make her totally enraged and jealous.

This is the last hurdle with her and I pray I have the strength to survive it.

Downsize, single person ct discount. Most HA would snap it up to move her to a one or two bed, perhaps sheltered . You are perpetuating an unhealthy codependency .

Don’t give her your address, preferably move out when she’s not home; save yourself the drama. She’s 60, she can figure out how to survive.

You will not make her homeless OP

As others have said, she can downsize and that will reduce bills etc.

She is not your responsibility. I hope you enjoy your new home when you move out.

Perfect way forward.

She'd be financially better off with a lodger - you're essentially freeing up a source of income.

If she is in a HA property and cannot afford a 3-bed place then she'll have to downsize and take a 1-bed. That's how it's supposed to work anyway isn't it, so that families who need a 3-bed can have one and single people can have a smaller property that meets their needs/budget?

She can down size. They may even have finacial incentives for her to do so depending on who her landlord is.

Congratulations op. Buying your first home is so exciting.

I would wait until I had the keys in my hand before telling her. If anything was to go wrong at the last minute and she's already in a mood with you then you might have nowhere comfortable to live for a while.

And since I'm not giving her any notice I'd pay a month's rent in advance as I'm leaving. Only because I'm choosing not to give notice and not because I'm obliged in any way.

She needs to downsize. That's life. We adapt to what we have and what we need at different stages. She's lucky she's in a HA property. Downsizing should be fairly easy for her.

well done for saving

she will easily be able to swap for a 1 bed flat or even 2 bed house

3beds should be for family’s /small kids.

Why do you need to tell her before the day you leave? Can you not just leave on the day your meant to move in to your new home, leaving her a letter, explaining.

It might sound incredibly mean however it is about survival as you have an extremely toxic mom.

Also why do you need to tell her where you're moving too? Leave a false address if you must.

I know you probably won't like what I say or agree. It's called survival..

I come from a severely toxic family of origin so I know all about the need to protect yourself and survive.

Just some other thoughts to think on

How unsavoury you describe her as a b*tch yet you have gained so much by living with her all these years.

At the expense of my mental health I have lived at home and supported her financially.

OP, you said in your first post: "For a long time I've wanted to move out but I've stayed living with mum for the sake of saving money. If I'd have left and rented, homeownership would have been totally out of reach for me." Your mother has supported you financially as much as you have supported her. In fact, she would have been better off with a lodger. So maybe appreciate that, then move out and enjoy your new home?

Op has still been paying a significant amount of board to her mum though, £450 is still quite a hefty contribution as well as saving up for her own place.

If she's been paying that for 10 years that's £54k, which whilst less than living independently would have meant an even bigger deposit now op is finally in a position to move into her own place. A house share is about that in my area, with the added bonus of independence and no obligation to one's parents.

My ds pays much less than that in board and we live within our means - I don't have a fancy car financed due to my son's contribution. And once he and DD finally moved out for good I will absolutely consider downsizing due to reduced income and reducing the costs of running a home that's too big for my needs. Some of my friends have been fortunate not to have charged their DC any board - enabling the DC to REALLY save towards their first deposit.

Your mum should be thinking about downsizing, especially in HA property - they'll be falling over themselves to move her into something smaller and a family into her current house.

@Shittyyear2025 the statement about how she would have have 54k for a bigger deposit is nonsensical. Where would she have been living that was free?

In my house - I only charge my adult kids a nominal sum a month ie £100 a month. A lot of folk don't charge anything to their own family.

I think I would find out all the information on downsizing ready to present to her.
I would tell her in advance personally and expect her to lash out, unless you think you are physically in danger or she will try to do something major to mess up your plans.
I would also be prepared to physically help her move if professional removals are unaffordable for her and she needs help to do it.
She's not been a good person but I would want to try to be the better person.
If she won't consider solutions, you've tried your best, and can step away guilt free.

Yes I’d have thought there would be plenty of families needing a 3 bed and she could have a 1 bed place just for her, that would be more affordable and more suitable.

I personally wouldn’t tell her when you’ve exchanged, I’d wait for it to be completed and have got your keys, stuck your mail on redirection and got enough furniture and bits stashed to set up and then you can tell her and clear off immediately if you feel she’ll react like that.
when my friend fled her husband who was really abusive I stashed loads of stuff for her in my garage, pots and pans and bits I helped her collect and some furniture and then she was good to go

I honestly wouldn’t tell her before you go it could just make things really stressful for you and you deserve a life of your own.

I’m not sure she could sublet the room to a lodger? I think family is different eg adult kids who’ve been there since childhood but I’m sure some say this isn’t allowed.

She has options
downsize
send car back
and your plan won’t be a surprise yet she’s run up C Cards

Goodness, don’t pander to her ridiculousness OP.
I’d not tell her where I was moving to if she’s that awful!
She’s 60, not 80, you are not responsible for her in any way. She can downsize if she doesn’t need 3 beds, thats what the surcharge is designed to encourage, she wont be homeless. Do not consider her moving in with you! Enjoy your new home.

She is not your responsibility

She can down size or get a lodger (poor lodger if she is nasty to them) Leave it to her to decide.
She can just aporoach HA for a swap

You need to give her notice.

Op has saved up her deposit AND paid her mum £54k in board over 10 years. She could have been living in a house share for the same cost AND saving her deposit without the obligation to her mum. Instead she's now worried that her mum can't afford to continue living in a house that's too big for her needs.