I worry I'll make my mum homeless

[lalah20]

Hello all

I'm 30 years old, a single professional and living with my 60 year old mum and I work full time and earn a decent salary. I am in the process of buying my first home and thanks to living at home I've been able to save up a deposit.

We live in a 3 bed housing association property and my brother left about 10 years ago. He has mental health problems and these were exacerbated by our difficult childhood and very toxic, controlling narcissistic mother.

For a long time I've wanted to move out but I've stayed living with mum for the sake of saving money. If I'd have left and rented, homeownership would have been totally out of reach for me. I am 30 and need to have my own space and independence for my life to progress. I just don't have total freedom living with my mum.

Anyway, I worry about how my mum's life will unfold following my house purchase. My mum has buy now pay later cards for purchases as well as a car lease that is around £300 a month. Because of our spare room she gets affected by the bedroom tax which means she gets 17% less benefits. I give her £450 a month towards bills etc so in theory she has more than enough to live comfortably at the moment but she still seems to struggle. When I leave she will be even shorter for cash as the bedroom tax will rise to 25% and she will be without my £450. She'll be losing about £650 a month with me gone, pretty much.

As she's such a controlling toxic person I have to keep all my milestones a secret from her and I'm just dreading the day I tell her I'm moving out. I will wait until the exchange of contracts until telling her. The more time between leaving and telling her the more unbearable it will be for me. A few years ago I got a job volunteering abroad (1 year only) and when I told her she totally exploded and was nothing but verbally abusive towards me, saying "HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!!! YOU'RE MAKING ME HOMELESS!!". She managed just fine while I was away regardless. My life was hell from the time I told her till the time I left. This time it will be even bigger. This is the scariest thing I'm about to do. I just need to be strong. I also fear she will let herself become homeless in the hope of coming to live with me and therefore controlling my life eternally. However I would of course not let this happen.

My current ideas for her are to get a lodger to help towards bills. Possibly give up her car lease. Or downsize to a smaller property. There are options. Sadly for her as she's a b*tch I have no option but to tell her at the last minute. If she was nice I'd of course tell her with plenty of time. What other suggestions do you have? I feel like I'm being so selfish!

Another idea I have is to lie and say my dad is helping me with the house purchase. This way she will be less angry. Her knowing that I've saved up enough to buy a house while living with her will make her totally enraged and jealous.

This is the last hurdle with her and I pray I have the strength to survive it.

HA? Can't she downsize?

You're not being selfish at all OP, sounds like she has done a good job of conditioning you to believe that you are. But moving out is absolutely the right thing for you, please remember that no matter how much she kicks off.

Honestly as to how she manages after that, it's not really your concern. All the suggestions you've listed are perfectly good, and she is an adult who can make the decision(s) herself. Don't let it become your responsibility to fix. She will probably try very hard to make it your problem but it really isn't.

Congratulations on being nearly ready to buy! That's very exciting. I hope life keeps getting better for you.

The HA will probably be happy to switch her to a smaller property, dependent on area there may very well be a queue of people desperate for a 3-bed so the solution is within her control. If she chooses not to use that solution then the consequences will be hers too.

I imagine that she will find it very easy to downsize as the HA will be very happy to free up a three bed property

She will have to downsize , should be fairly easy with a HA property I would have thought , perhaps she can find a swop .

Shed probably be better off on a 1 bedroom property not affected by bedroom tax and cheaper to run and heat. As you leave suggest she speaks to HA to try to get a 1 bedroom. Shed be freeing up a 3 bedroom hous for a family that needs the extra space.

Would it ease your conscience (if you can afford it) to give her 3 months rent or half as a notice period? I know she’ll be shitty to you if you give her some fair warning, but it would not be unreasonable for her to expect it, and to recognise that you would not have been able to afford a place of your own had you not lived with her (although she has benefited as much as you have). It’s absolutely right that she downsizes.

you were going to move out sometime, and it seems that no time is right so just do it. Take the plaster off and let her move while she is fit and healthy and has a few choices.

Well done OP for getting yourself into a position where you can buy your own place and move on with your life! And you're quite right to minimise the time between telling her and moving out as much as you can. What are the logistics? Do you have furniture / bulky stuff to move? Are you using a removals company / man & van / friends' cars / doing it all yourself? Can you move yourself out whilst she's at work and then just present her with a 'here's the key back, I won't be needing it any more' scenario? Extricating yourself with the least opportunity for her to kick off is what you should be concentrating on - NOT her.

"Anyway, I worry about how my mum's life will unfold following my house purchase."
Stop worrying, she's not your responsibility (although I'm sure she's groomed you all your life to believe she is). My first thought was she can get lodger/s in, although that's a bit rough on them! If she doesn't want to do that she can either pay, or move. And whichever she chooses, you need to NOT CARE. That will take some practice, no doubt. ((hug))

Best wishes for your new life!

She needs to contact the HA and downsize to a 1 bed - they will be overjoyed that she is going to be swapping from a 3 to a 1 bed & she will likely have her pick of available 1 beds such is the need for a 3 bed!

Please don't give her money! It would only encourage her to think she can press you for more money, again and again and again.

No!
Mum is a grown up and can easily HA downsize. It's not OP responsibility and tbh it never ends if you put money on the table.

She needs to downsize. She’s in a HA property and doesn’t need a 3 bed.

If she starts in you when you tell her
say
well you’ll have more money if you downsize your 3 bed for a 1 bed , HA will love this as there’s lots of families waiting for 3 bed houses
Also there’s more over 55’s accommodation vacant than houses
Also send her car back £300 mth for a car is ridiculous, you can get a Corsa for around £180

Well done on saving up the deposit. Time to spread your wings now….

YANBU at all.

Well done on finding your way out and into independence!

Your DM will have to do what every other parent does who can't afford to live in a 3 bed house after DCs have left home and downsize.

You are not responsible for her.
You do not owe her a roof over her head.

Make sure you stay 100% strong and do not let her worm her way to end up living with you. That would be a disaster and beyond unfair.

Is there anywhere you could go and live for a few weeks after you tell her? You've mentioned your Dad?

I'd wait til exchange, tell her, then move out same day but pay her for the month so she has a bit of financial notice. You could also get some info together for her on how to downsize and what she needs to do. Just leave it with her. I would have thought she would have no trouble finding a smaller place to live - a family would be very grateful for the 3 bed house.

Does she work OP? If not, she might need to. You don’t need to feel guilty at all about leaving. Your mum is a grown up and will have to sort herself out.

I agree she needs to downsize. People shouldn't be hogging larger HA properties when they have no need for it.

I do think you should pay a month’s notice- even if you only tell her on the day you move out. I don’t think it’s fair not to give proper notice, and I think it would help you move on without guilt.

But yes, then she needs to downsize or find a lodger. But that’s not your problem.

If you only give her a week or twos notice I think it’s a bit unfair financially.
I understand why you’re doing that, but if you were renting a room somewhere else, you’d probably be paying a lot more than £450 and you’d have to give 1-3 months notice. Some places I’ve lived you had to give 6 months notice. I think if you’re being fair she needs time to be able to arrange her finances (even though I’m sure she won’t). I would offer a month or twos money after you move and just factor that into my moving costs.
are you on the lease or on any contracts? Make sure you have checked them obviously.

I don’t think you need to feel guilty about moving though, she’s an adult and it’s up to her to pay her rent, downsize or get a lodger, that’s not your problem to resolve. That’s partly why I’d pay the ‘notice’ money to her because it removes you from having to solve the problem.
I appreciate it would likely leave you skint, but I think worth it to extract yourself from her.

This - don’t tell her on exchange tell her on competition and give her a month in lieu of notice. That’s it. Adults adult. She needs to start.

It’s quite simple, she needs to downsize. You need to give her time to sort things, you cannot leave it last second.
the council will be more than happy to give her a 1 bed place as it will free up a family home.

She will need to downsize. As PP have said she will have very little trouble finding a 1 or small 2 bed HA property. If she was to tell the HA she wanted to downsize to a 1 bed she will probably have a fair selection to pick from. Its the 3 and 4 beds that are in very short supply. A 1 bed or small 2 bed will be much cheaper for her in rent as well as heating. If she takes a 1 bed she won't be affected by the bedroom tax either.

She may need to make some lifestyle alterations, £300 on a car payment is expensive compared to her ingoings, perhaps she needs to sell the car and get something cheaper that doesn't need such a steep repayment.

You deserve to have your own life and your own place. Any good parent would be delighted that they have helped you to secure your own place.

The bit where you say she managed just fine when you were abroad for me rung alarm bells, especially as you say you think she really ought to be ok financially.

I wouldn't believe her for a moment when she claims she's frightened of being made homeless. She is lying to you.

That’s awesome! Go you.

I think I perhaps wouldn’t involve your Dad by saying he gave you the deposit, I would say I won it on a scratch card or similar and that spurred you on to make a move.

Gives her something else to fixate on.

She’s 60. She can downsize. I assume she works? Anyway she isn’t your problem.