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Original poster

Financial abuse?

50 replies

Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 10:55

Hi all
I have know one to really talk to so thought I'd ask help here. Sorry it's long and punctuation, spelling etc but typing this from my phone in a rush.

I'm a mum of 3 and have 2 girls and a boy age 15,12,5. I work 4 days a week about 25 hours. I find life so hectic as I do the school runs ,meals ,going to work and taking care of my husband. I feel exhausted. Anyway since I was on maternity with my first daughter I always paid the bills and my husband paid the mortgage which obviously over time has left me in debt. What should have happened is when I had maternity leave my husband help me with bills but he didint. He panics about money and when I would tell him im struggling he would get stressed out. I'm at work and have been back some years now but my wage doesn't cover all the house bills, food shopping etc so I'm in a vicious debt cycle and it's crippling me. A few years ago my Grandad passed away and paid the rest of our mortgage off which was amazing but this bill was my husbands (mortgage in both our names). Yet I haven't felt the benefit of the mortgage being paid as I'm left with all the bills. I often try and remain calm and explain to my husband i need help and his answer is always im struggling too just get a full time job. I'm currently looking at fulltime work in a school office as I have no help over school holidays and my current job allows me to work in my office at home. I'm a breaking point and need to know if I'm being unrealisitic. I've tried doing little side hustles to help like vinted but apart from selling my children now I have nothing left. I know my husband isint hiding anything financially as I have access to his bank accounts. My council tax is so expensive at £186 a month and I've mentioned its leaving my bank Thursday and I can't cover it and he's stressing about helping with that.

I'm so tired all the time and worry about working even more as my husband likes a super clean house which also falls on me to sort on my one day off.

OP posts:
SalmonOnburntcrisp · 24/02/2026 10:58

A few years ago my Grandad passed away and paid the rest of our mortgage off which was amazing but this bill was my husbands (mortgage in both our names). Yet I haven't felt the benefit of the mortgage being paid as I'm left with all the bills

Wtf?
What is your husband doing with his entire salary? How much debt are you in?
Why didnt you use the inheritance to pay off your debt???
What savings / debt does he have?
Does he not work?
If so was he fired or did he quit?
Does he spend money on himself?

Bluesofadown · 24/02/2026 11:02

This is a truly terrible situation. Your husband is treating you appallingly.
I would say it is financial abuse. It what way is this marriage a loving partnership?
I personally don’t understand how married couples don’t have shared accounts. Me and my DH are totally “whats mine is yours”. We are not housemates sharing bills, we are a family.

Original poster
Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:08

When our mortgage was paid it went straight to the mortgage company and not straight to us as my Dad handled the estate.

He is self employed and gets about £500 a week he puts his tax out of this into a separate account ready for the accountant yearly but puts way too much away which is unessaseary. He then saves a bit of money as he needs a new van and stresses about this. He always has a nice clean bank account and never has my worry although he will say it's both our debt when clearly it's not. I'm in a fair few thousands of debt now. He did promise me when the sale on his mom and dad's house goes through (they have both passed away) he will clear my debt but his back tracked and said no this money will go into savings not to but touched at all until we're older. I'm now kept with no option to go full time and fend for myself. Thank you for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:08

When our mortgage was paid it went straight to the mortgage company and not straight to us as my Dad handled the estate.

He is self employed and gets about £500 a week he puts his tax out of this into a separate account ready for the accountant yearly but puts way too much away which is unessaseary. He then saves a bit of money as he needs a new van and stresses about this. He always has a nice clean bank account and never has my worry although he will say it's both our debt when clearly it's not. I'm in a fair few thousands of debt now. He did promise me when the sale on his mom and dad's house goes through (they have both passed away) he will clear my debt but his back tracked and said no this money will go into savings not to but touched at all until we're older. I'm now kept with no option to go full time and fend for myself. Thank you for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
Tresesgreen · 24/02/2026 11:10

Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:08

When our mortgage was paid it went straight to the mortgage company and not straight to us as my Dad handled the estate.

He is self employed and gets about £500 a week he puts his tax out of this into a separate account ready for the accountant yearly but puts way too much away which is unessaseary. He then saves a bit of money as he needs a new van and stresses about this. He always has a nice clean bank account and never has my worry although he will say it's both our debt when clearly it's not. I'm in a fair few thousands of debt now. He did promise me when the sale on his mom and dad's house goes through (they have both passed away) he will clear my debt but his back tracked and said no this money will go into savings not to but touched at all until we're older. I'm now kept with no option to go full time and fend for myself. Thank you for taking the time to reply

You need to divorce and ask the court to give you the entire house - all of it.

Original poster
Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:10

He is very loving of me but I do so much for him, like cook fresh meals for him at work etc but I'm drained. He then wonders why I don't want to be intimate with him as my body is in stress mode.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 24/02/2026 11:13

We have separate accounts but it’s never been like this. He is also an idiot because the debt will accrue interest. Money if married is joint however you set it up but unless people divorce and financial orders are put in place it’s down to the couple to come to a decent mutual agreement. You do not have it here at all.

Bluesofadown · 24/02/2026 11:14

Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:10

He is very loving of me but I do so much for him, like cook fresh meals for him at work etc but I'm drained. He then wonders why I don't want to be intimate with him as my body is in stress mode.

This is not love. A marriage is a partnership, he is not being fair to you.

noidea69 · 24/02/2026 11:16

I'll say what everyone is thinking. What is he doing with the money he was previously paying out on the mortgage?

noidea69 · 24/02/2026 11:17

Also he is definitely hiding the cash in hand work.

Firefly100 · 24/02/2026 11:21

Obviously this is financial abuse and I agree with the previous poster - if he won’t budge I’d divorce and ask for the whole house (after his inheritance is sorted - after all he used yours). You will likely be able to clear your debts once you leave him.
Tell him the reason you are leaving is that you cannot afford to stay married to him.

Passingthrough123 · 24/02/2026 11:21

So let me get this straight. Your 'D'H is banking £2k a month (minus tax) because your granddad paid off your mortgage and you are getting into debt to the tune of thousands because you are expected to cover every single bill, including all food? While running yourself ragged doing everything?

You mention your dad facilitated your granddad's estate paying off the mortgage. Please call him right now and tell him what you've shared on this thread. This is terrible financial abuse and someone needs to know to support you.

Rozbos · 24/02/2026 11:24

OP this is crazy. No one would let the person they love struggle whilst not paying any bills. You are the person who should have benefitted from the mortgage being paid off, it was your inheritance!

You should both have equal money, all bills should be split by percentage of income. This is absolutely financial abuse.

Also, why are the kids only your responsibility? Why are you cooking all the meals? This is no partnership. He is bringing nothing to the table except savings that are his anyway. I would leave and I don’t say that lightly. He is abusing you.

MissyPants · 24/02/2026 11:25

The problem here is he is perceiving paying bills as "helping" you. Your responsibility etc, and it's a favour if he pays.
This isn't how a marriage should work at all. It's a joint house, all house bills are managed by both people.
WTF am reading? His behaviour is selfish and appalling.

HannahMarin · 24/02/2026 11:28

I can't believe this, you paid bills and he paid the mortgage, now the mortgage is paid off ( via your inheritance no less ) he now doesn't have to pay this, but you are still lumped with all the bills on a part time wage?

It's time to add up all the bills and now settle this.

I'd be going for 60/40 with you paying less.

You could have paid off your debt with your inheritance.

He's a massive piss take.

Fiftyandme · 24/02/2026 11:30

You’re being financially abused

Original poster
Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:31

Thank you all for replying to me it's feels a relief to speak to others as I'm utterly embarrassed. Sat here currently crying as I feel heard for once. I've always gone above and beyond for my family and a friend of mine often says she can't believe how much I do. I get up at 4am to sort kids and husband out before myself and then it's the rush for school runs, work etc and the stress of finances

OP posts:
Passingthrough123 · 24/02/2026 11:34

Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:31

Thank you all for replying to me it's feels a relief to speak to others as I'm utterly embarrassed. Sat here currently crying as I feel heard for once. I've always gone above and beyond for my family and a friend of mine often says she can't believe how much I do. I get up at 4am to sort kids and husband out before myself and then it's the rush for school runs, work etc and the stress of finances

Please don't be embarrassed, none of this is your fault. Financial abuse can be insidious and the person being abused often doesn't realise it's happening until they are deep into it.

Can you confide in your dad? Or someone else?

Mischance · 24/02/2026 11:34

So - you are up to eyes in debt and he is sitting pretty ... have I got this right?

This is mad - this is not a partnership. The outgoings for a family are joint outgoings, not belonging to one partner or the other. He needs a kick up the arse. Tell him the things that you are no longer planning to pay for because you do not have enough money and tell him you are cancelling the standing orders so they will need to go into his name immediately. Just do it.

I don't know what you can do for the future as he is clearly not a man to be reasoned with, nor a man who values his family or his wife. You might be better off without him, but the practicalities of that are their own can of worms.

I am sorry that you are lumberes with a wrong'un.

BubbleFree · 24/02/2026 11:35

Mumof3andafurbaby · 24/02/2026 11:31

Thank you all for replying to me it's feels a relief to speak to others as I'm utterly embarrassed. Sat here currently crying as I feel heard for once. I've always gone above and beyond for my family and a friend of mine often says she can't believe how much I do. I get up at 4am to sort kids and husband out before myself and then it's the rush for school runs, work etc and the stress of finances

You’ve not answered the most important question though, where does the rest of the £500 a week go that he earns after putting money away for tax? This is the first question you should be asking.

SilverPink · 24/02/2026 11:35

Bluesofadown · 24/02/2026 11:02

This is a truly terrible situation. Your husband is treating you appallingly.
I would say it is financial abuse. It what way is this marriage a loving partnership?
I personally don’t understand how married couples don’t have shared accounts. Me and my DH are totally “whats mine is yours”. We are not housemates sharing bills, we are a family.

This exactly.

OP you need to stop referring to them as ‘my’ bills - ‘my’ council tax etc. They’re BOTH your bills, you both own the house and live in it, the bills are BOTH of yours responsibility. Honestly your husband sounds like a bit of a selfish dick, truth be told.

Londonmummy66 · 24/02/2026 11:35

Frankly - what does he do for your life? He's a total taker and I imagine that your life would be so much easier if it was just you and the kids. Tell your Dad what has happened and start screenshotting all the savings etc. Then get a lawyer and divorce him. GIven he has an inheritance coming it shouldn't be too much of an issue to get the house and as well as your wage you'll have CMS so long as he doesn't fiddle the figures.

SilverPink · 24/02/2026 11:37

And also - why the fuck are you getting up at 4am to sort him out?! Sort him out with what?!

Parsleyforme · 24/02/2026 11:41

So he has no debt and no bills but puts all his money in savings then stresses out? You get up at 4am, sort the house and meals, go to work and pay all the bills? Of course this is not fair at all and I can't believe it, he must have tens of thousands at least in savings?

BillieWiper · 24/02/2026 11:41

So your inheritance paid off the one bill he was covering so now he contributes absolute zero?!

He got money from a house sale that he's hidden away and won't use to pay your debts?

Why/how is he hiding all this money away 'for the accountant' /'for a new van'.

You say you've access to his accounts so can't you just say I'm using some of it for the debts as you agreed?

If not then it is financial abuse. Definitely.