Financial abuse?

[Mumof3andafurbaby]

Hi all
I have know one to really talk to so thought I'd ask help here. Sorry it's long and punctuation, spelling etc but typing this from my phone in a rush.

I'm a mum of 3 and have 2 girls and a boy age 15,12,5. I work 4 days a week about 25 hours. I find life so hectic as I do the school runs ,meals ,going to work and taking care of my husband. I feel exhausted. Anyway since I was on maternity with my first daughter I always paid the bills and my husband paid the mortgage which obviously over time has left me in debt. What should have happened is when I had maternity leave my husband help me with bills but he didint. He panics about money and when I would tell him im struggling he would get stressed out. I'm at work and have been back some years now but my wage doesn't cover all the house bills, food shopping etc so I'm in a vicious debt cycle and it's crippling me. A few years ago my Grandad passed away and paid the rest of our mortgage off which was amazing but this bill was my husbands (mortgage in both our names). Yet I haven't felt the benefit of the mortgage being paid as I'm left with all the bills. I often try and remain calm and explain to my husband i need help and his answer is always im struggling too just get a full time job. I'm currently looking at fulltime work in a school office as I have no help over school holidays and my current job allows me to work in my office at home. I'm a breaking point and need to know if I'm being unrealisitic. I've tried doing little side hustles to help like vinted but apart from selling my children now I have nothing left. I know my husband isint hiding anything financially as I have access to his bank accounts. My council tax is so expensive at £186 a month and I've mentioned its leaving my bank Thursday and I can't cover it and he's stressing about helping with that.

I'm so tired all the time and worry about working even more as my husband likes a super clean house which also falls on me to sort on my one day off.

Sit him down and tell him that as you are married, your debt isn't yours alone, but shared equally like the rest of all the assets. Let him stress...
Honestly, if you have acess to his accounts transfer enough to pay the debt off. Then work out your monthly outgoings and income. Then make sure everything is paid in a fair and equal % according to income.

... if he doesn't like it, tough shit and divorce. (But make sure you know what he has where...)

This is grossly financial abuse, you may need to have a meeting with your husband and determining how both of your incomes are spent until things get a bit better.( But be that as it may, I am into Christian faith who believes in Jesus and also believes that one tenth of our income goes to God through a Bible believing Church that feeds us with the Word, as the implication of this tithing is to spiritually take off devourers from your finances that makes things tight and opening heavens of better ideas on how to make end meet.I.I have been a committed other since 2008 and I must confess despite the failing economy , it has little effect on me

This is way beyond anything remotely acceptable. Get out of this horrible controlling relationship.

This is dreadful and I believe that you cannot come back from this!

He is truly awful, please divorce him, claim
maintenance.

Sorry why are you saying my bills,.they are joint. All our money goes into a joint account, it has never mattered to us who earns what or receives what it's ours together, we have another account that all bills go out direct debit so that gets sent from joint once a month plus another for savings used for holidays,repairs etc, never much in there but either way we will then use the joint account for all we need during the month either for us, the kids, the pets..Nobody is bothered who spends what or when. I can not imagine dh or myself allowing either to get into any debt. Sorry that is not love your dh letting it happen and ye why are you running about cleaning house, cooking etc again despite kids and working we both equally share that load aswell no questions asked. I wouldn't want to be with a man like yours that is happy to see his wife in debt and shattered

This is mental, why did you put your inheritance into the mortgage if you were still paying the other bills out of your salary? Your DH is an awful person if he thinks this is acceptable.
You don’t need to increase your earnings you have a paid off mortgage, your DH needs to contribute to your family expenses and children.

This is awful OP. I know it’ll be hard but add all up all the monthly expenses, everything, bills, car and transport costs, school dinners, kids clubs, everything. Divide in half as a starting point, he
pays half and you pay half. If he’s not prepared to do this you need to divorce. He won’t change. Better to struggle on your own with the children than have to live with a selfish man that you are running around after. He’s despicable. See if you can get some support emotionally from your family.

Wow. He seems to be working on the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” basis! Absolutely mental. You’d be better off divorced.

Hmm - makes me wonder what your Dad saw in him that encouraged him to send the money directly to the mortgage company and not via your DH's sticky fingers? Maybe he'd be less surprised to hear about this than you think?

I suspect he has other accounts you don't know about unfortunately.

Yes that is interesting.

Im wondering if husband is squirrelling money away ready for his future without OP in it…

For a start, you seriously need to stop getting up at 4am. A grown man should be capable of sorting himself out first thing in the morning. If you're doing fois prep then/housework then stop. If he moans about state of house/lack of freshly cooked meals, then a rota needs to be in place with him doing various elements. Maybe call his bluff telling him you'll look for a full-time job when he's proved he'll cope ok with getting up an hour earlier to help with household duties and cook 2/3 evenings a week.

If you were a true partnership, you'd be jointly paying bills out if whatever income you have, any spare cash into savings into joint names and then he could be supported from joint funds to pay for and as van is for work, that van for work

What everyone else has said applies.
You also need to tell him that once you get into arrears and can no longer service your debt with council tax and utilities then it will impact the entire family. (Bailiffs taking goods to the value of the debt and disconnection of services).

I’m not going to repeat the valid concerns raised by PPs - other than to reiterate that your husband is financially abusing you. I would just add:

£500 a week adds up to around £24,000 or less a year BEFORE tax. It’s a NMW wage. Why is he earning so little? How many hours does he actually work per week?

Plus, what are your respective pension provisions and plans for retirement?

The whole situation is utterly crazy. Since he is hiding behind a screen of ‘anxiety’ and is refusing to discuss the inequalities regarding finances, let alone work on a plan to sort out this unholy mess, you really need to consider your options and prioritise your own needs and entitlement.

I put it to you that you would be better off without him - if only to rid yourself from the stress you are under every single day.

• Gather all financial documentation.
• Check out Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies
• Consult with a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with financial abuse.

💐

You need to start talking about this. Tell your parents your friends. Tell your doctor because it's just a matter of time before you have a mental break. Speak to a family solicitor and lay it all out. Bring bills and bank statements if you can. Call citizens advice and ask for a referral. You are internalising all this bullshit and you have to take action for the sake of your health. Who is going to take care of your children if something happens to you? Stop doing so much for a man who clearly loves himself 100 times more than he loves you. Reduce cooking laundry etc. Sorry OP. That man is a selfish entitled piece of shit. Start tonight by picking up the phone and telling one person what is happening. Ideally Dad because he sorted out the inheritance. Best of luck 🍀

He's stressing about money!!! What about you? He's got a cheek. He behaves like he's one of your children though probably more work than they are. He should be doing more around the house and with the children.
You are supposed to be in a partnership- he's selfish, self- centred and adding to your stress.

Please speak to someone OP. It's not you it's him.
Best of luck to you

This is not love, I'm sorry. This is not healthy at all.

Op, are the bills in his name also? Get his names put on all the bills, cancel the direct debits and tell him he's paying the bills as you will no longer do so. If his name is on them too then he has no choice but to pay. Say you will cover food and that's it. Do not stand for this anymore. You really need to give yourself a shake because this is ridiculous. You are paying for everything, waking up at 4am to serve him, doing all the cleaning etc.. what does he do?he's living rent free in a house paid off with your money. You cannot believe a word he says about saving for retirement. It will be the same with you covering everything on your tiny pension and him hoarding all money.

OP I hope the device you are posting from is secure
if not delete this now and use something he can't access

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17163900174&gbraid=0AAAAACWYT2Wsm8-aEKphhoT0F6K_Ja7s6&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2vPU0u7ykgMVgkZBAh005ijSEAAYASAAEgJEofD_BwE

I was gonna say that about his wages. Even if he's an unqualified labourer he'd be earning more than that surely? And he's clearly not if he uses his own van. So him telling OP to get a full time job is bollocks.

Why has he so few clients and why does he earn less than minimum wage? He'd be better off giving you the money for this 'van' of his and just start working as a brickies mate or something for someone else's company.

But ultimately she should just leave him and his shitty attitude to money.

I am truly horrified for you OP! You are well and truly being financially abused.

Your partner is despicable.

You should ask to have your thread moved to the AIBU section where it will get a whole heap of responses and more advice on what to do.

One thing you can start doing is not looking after him. He is not one of your children. Stop feeding him, stop doing his laundry. Just stop doing anything related to him.

Hopefully, you will eventually kick him out and you will be immediately better off as he will be required to pay you maintenance for the children.

This is an awful, awful thing to read.

Your husband is definitely hiding money- what else does he do with it?

A loving man will not hide money while his wife struggles.

A dishonest man will act loving to distract his struggling wife.

The bills should be proportionate and he should be sharing money.

This is appalling

He does not respect you or show any concern for all the debt you have racked up to keep you and your children fed, clothed and have a roof over their heads. While he contributes NOTHING but his greedy, utterly selfish, and as a result, loathsome presence in your life.

He does not love you. He has used you and only pretends to love you for you to give him sex and for him to be able to hoard his money and not spend any of it on his partner and children.

So start treating him with the same disregard and contempt that he clearly shows to you.

This!