Preparing to very reluctantly downsize

[lalavander]

It’s been a turbulent few years. In 2020 we purchased our forever home. DH had his own contracting business and was earning well, my own business was about to have 3 very busy years followed by 2 much quieter ones. DH had to pivot and take on a permanent roll, which came with a paycut due to a multitude of reasons and my own business has been a lot quieter (as everyone else within my industry has found) for a couple of years now.
Our mortgage rate has doubled. We have been gripping onto our home best we can but it’s getting to the point where we don’t have enough money to do much other than survive. It’s been tough.

We are slowly accepting we need to say goodbye to our detached, 5 bed in a desirable location and downsize, potentially to a less desirable location to make a dent in our mortgage. Our property has increased in value by about 200k and it’s a chance to take that money and buy something smaller with a smaller mortgage BUT I am so sad.

i didn’t realise how fond I’d grown of our home until we’ve really started considering selling. I keep looking at photos of special memories made here, looking at the garden and the kids bedrooms just how they want them and CRYING. I’m grieving a house. Who’d have thought it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation being forced to downsize and relocate a little (albeit locally). I feel like we are going backwards and feel sad that our kids won’t have a “family home” to remember as we’ve always ended up moving due to finances previously, followed by a short period of stability and now this, AGAIN.

I need to count my blessings that we can afford our own home of any size and get a grip, I know. We are blimmen lucky but today I feel sorry for myself and sad to say goodbye to what I thought was our forever home.

Thank you for sharing this. I know I’d be driving past my home at feeling the exact same thing. I’ve been up applying for jobs. It’s going to be very hard as I work from home and my children are very used to this but I think we all need to get a bit gritty and explore and try more options before we make any big decisions

As you’ve said you can afford the essentials I’d try and stay. Work out the cost of moving to something smaller and possibly moving to something bigger again the future. How does that compare to the cost of lengthening your mortgage? You mentioned work options that need childcare, that stage is brutal in terms of cost. Don’t get me wrong, teenagers are expensive enough in their own way, but your careers and earnings might have improved by the time you’ve moved on from the childcare age years.

i’d look at short term plan to stay in the house, use Martin Lewis website/forum to make sure you are being as savvy as possibly, then look at medium to long term options for maximising income.

We really extended ourselves to get our current home - 10 years and a couple of promotions later we have a very comfortable life.

All that said, if it’s not viable, it is only a house. A bit cliched, but your home is where your family is. Good luck.

Have your children left home ? To me financial security is the most important thing.ex H and I moved from Surrey to Sussex. I have been made homeless several times through no fault of my own. Last time was when we divorced. I ended up with 4 jobs,in the mid 80s the mortgage rate went from 12-16% in 18 months,you couldn't add many years on the end.. so I worked more and more hours.second DH made redundant 5 times in 8 years,we downsized. I've always had the smallest mortgage and property necessary. When the DKs left home, went for the 2 bedroom bungalow,paid cash, always had doer uppers. On divorce,there was a crash, house sold with negative equity which would be equivalent to £200k today.

The OP’s children are still young.

I imagine this is a chance to show resilience to your children, to show them how to think positively & constructively about challenges not mourn a vision lost.

The more you reveal, the less I understand the dilemma. Your love for your home is so strong, you talk about 'grieving' your potential loss ?? Yet you go on to say you CAN afford it, you just can't have extras that you would like?? You need to decide what your priorities are? If you want the lovely big forever home and the kids bedrooms etc, then you have to decide if that's a more important priority to you as a family than, say, an annual holiday.
Priorities.. and perspective. My kids grieved when I told them their dad had passed away. That's grief. Not being sad you might have to declutter and downsize.
Also, your current house has appreciated by 200k and you're looking at 300k houses?
Personally, I would 'cash in' my assets and live comfortably, securely, and stress free within my means. It wouldn't be my dream home if I had to upset my child by taking in language students and work 7 days a week for half the year and be stressed about finances the whole time. Dream house maybe but not a dream life after all.

Have you been through all of your expenses, line by line?

E.g if you start to sell on Vinted, can you mostly clothe the children from there as well? So you are effectively exchanging stuff rather than spending new money.

Sorry if this sounds patronising and you've already done it but ideas of 'essentials' vary wildly and I've known a lot of people insist that a trip to Next once a month is 'just because they are growing' when really it's just become a habit.

Are your utilities, broadband etc all on good deals? Mobile phones SIM only with giff gaff etc if still working?

Do you shop at Aldi/ Lidl?

I'd try a few months of new budgeting and enquire about extending the mortgage before making a final decision.

In that time you can get the house sale ready and have a really good declutter to generate a bit of money and make the process easier if you decide to move. And if not it will make keeping on top of the house easier.

Longer term you need a paid job but appreciate finding the right fit is hard. Sometimes it's worth applying anyway and then asking once they want you if it could be slightly reduced hours.

Take a hard and honest look at your housekeeping expenses. Is there any fat you can trim? No buying 'stuff', no takeaways, if you have a second car do you really need it, are you over insured, any subscriptions you've forgotten you have? I've been reading the thread on here 'things your parents did to save money' and it's inspired me to make no mindless purchases ie crap sandwiches whilst out. Any expensive beauty regime or exercise expenses can be done for free or very cheaply.

You are definitely right, there absolutely is ways we can save money. I have also had a look at that thread, we definitely over spend on “little luxuries” such as grabbing coffee etc. It’s the little things that add up. Pretty sure we can get our phone bills and tv subscriptions down. Going to take a proper look this weekend.

If you are managing to afford the essentials and you're reasonably confident there won't be any unexpected major bills on the house (like needing a new roof or whatever) I'd cling on. The way it has gained value over recent years shows it's a great investment as well as a family home.

Just a thought, I understand not wanting to take in a lodger and I'm with you on that, but is there a self contained downstairs room you could rent out as an office space? Depending on size, location etc. you could get £300-500 pcm for that. You could make it 8:30-5:30 Monday to Friday so that the person rarely crosses paths with the kids, apart from in the holidays of course.

I second the suggestion to have a serious phase of selling stuff on Vinted to give you a bit more disposable income. I'm currently making £100 per month selling clothes on there, especially kids clothing selling well. I suspect you have more to sell than me so could do really well. If you dedicate a weekend to it you can list loads of items quite efficiently. Just make sure clothes are ironed and then photographed on a plain background - makes a big difference to them selling. DD quite liked helping me so I'll iron an item them pass it to her to lay out and photograph, then I do the listing.

Not patronising at all. We do shop at Aldi, could get this down I am sure. Need to stop buying coffee! We don’t buy many new clothes, youngest dc wears oldest dc’s old clothes and hand me downs from family members. Eldest dc drains us with clothes though, I may need to really sit with them and explain that they need to wait for birthdays or make do, too young to get their own job but every month there’s something they “need”.

We could definitely save in places and have tried but need to take another look and try harder.

im going to keep applying for jobs, it’ll be a juggle as we have zero support with childcare and school hours just aren’t long enough but there must be something out there

It’s okay not not understand fully. I don’t want to divulge absolutely everything, we physically can afford our home but we can’t do so comfortably.. things are very tight. Not annual holidays I’m concerned about but things like being able to enrich our lives with things such as the children’s dance class, being able to go out together and have cake and coffee a couple of times a month, being able to have a roast dinner etc. it’s just very tight.

I lost my own father at the tender age of 10, I fully understand what grief is. I carry that with me daily still, that is why I said “I’m grieving a house, who’d have thought it” because I get grief and actually find it incredibly ridiculous I could grieve bricks and water.

You haven’t reviewed where you can earn more money, save money or extend the mortgage but you’re looking at downsizing? It’s all a bit dramatic, isn’t it?

Lots of suggestions on this thread so do some homework before you make a decision. I’m sure there are was you can make changes to make the house financially viable. It might be tight for a few years but in the long run it might be better for you financially.

But yes! I actually agree with you re having to work 7 days a week and share our home with students to afford a dream home, it’s not a dream life. Which is exactly why I have posted, that’s my dilemma right there. Whilst some people say scrimp and hang on in there; get another job and keep your home others say to sell up because lifestyle is importing. Different strokes for different folks and all :)

I suggest looking on spareroom too to see potential for lodgers - there is also the potential for a Mon-Fri let which impacts the family much less as your lodger isn't there at weekends.

We have reviewed, I said we need to review again. It’s been a few years of slowly spending less, budgeting more. We can budget further; I am sure. Just feel like our quality of life is getting worse by the month and whilst some people suggest selling and having a better quality of life others say budget further, spend less, hang on in there and work more. It’s a choice we all make isn’t it? We are just being pinched more and more and our finances are effecting us all.

Sell as much clutter as you can on eBay, vinted and fb market place . I had to do this when my agency shifts dried up , it was the only way I could survive as I went from making £2000+ a month to only making £300 pm

I was about to reassure you that houses come and go, and that you can love the new one for a host of different reasons, but have seen your later posts.

You can afford to stay there, just not as comfortably as you’d like. This is a tight spell, ride it out!

Among all the other finance boosting suggestions you’ve already had, try a ‘no spend’ week. Literally look at the week ahead, spot the moments you’d usually spend and plan to avoid it. Use up everything in the fridge/freezer/cupboards, even if that means a weird meal.
Make it a game and a challenge with the kids. We did it for Lent one year- 6 weeks with no shopping of any kind (except maybe petrol?). Long life milk, a well stocked pantry and freezer, growing celery and lettuce stumps for fresh greens… it was fun. And my cupboards were really tidy at the end of it.

If you’re anything like me, you own loads of things you don’t need and don’t use. See what you can sell.

It’s a lean season. Ride it out.

@lalavander I know some have suggested this already - but can you extend your mortgage term, even to the max amount of 45 years? You could do this until your kids leave home, then look to downsize and pay down the mortgage term - so you'll still get to enjoy your big house as a family for all those years, and likely it'll appreciate in value a lot if it's already gone up 200k, so you'll have a lot of equity to play with by then

It can be heartbreaking to leave a beloved home but you are doing it for good reasons . And tbh it’s likely you would have found a big house too much as you get older. Search for a new home with something gorgeous about and prepare for the next phase of life. You can find love again!

Going from being fairly comfortable to being frugal every day of your life is uncomfortable and time consuming, but I think you can do it. It takes a whole new mindset! I would recommend spending a bunch of time on the MSE Forums. Specifically, I think there are debt/mortgage free threads/sections on there, where you'll find there are proper hardcore savers.

I think sometimes you have to think outside the box a bit. Yeah you've mentioned coffee, that's an easy one that we all know, but what about giving up the family car (for a few years) and having the most reliable school run mum/dad take your kids to school - with the incentive that you PAY them? (appreciate neurodiversity might make that hard).

What about renting out your garage/drive/both if you live close to a station (again, idk if renting a room as an office would work for neurodiverse kiddo)?

Everything you'd ordinarily give away - a potted plant, some not-perfect-nick pillowcases, SELL.

Cancel all subscriptions - podcasts, streaming. Only have one running, binge watch for a month, cancel, go on to the next.

I got rid of my Amazon Prime subscription in February - we were holding onto it because we live in a village. I haven't once missed it. I just buy less and plan more.

Paying £45 for broadband? Go down a package. If you don't have teens sucking up bandwidth with playstations, ipads and mobiles, chances are you can cope with 56mbps.

Got a garage full of really good tools? Advertise renting them out at a daily rate (with a sizeable cash deposit, obvs).

Rather than the coffee, get in your head the prices of everything you buy in a supermarket across all five of them. Just because people hear Aldi's cheap doesn't mean it's cheapest for everything all of the time. Again, it's time consuming and I don't exactly like doing it but we generally go to two different supermarkets once a fortnight, so four different ones across a month, and I won't buy anything at supermarket x that I know to currently be cheaper at supermarket y - we will either go without, or make other plans.

Kids needing stuff. Got that, it's tricky. I was in whatever we could get down the high street for a decent amount of money but never what all the kids were wearing or aspired to, and I don't remember emotionally suffering for it.

Bought something that's crap that you've opened? Take it back. I took £120ish worth of bedsheets, x2 washed and with no packet (plus x2 unopened) back to Tesco in January on day 27 of 28 on the receipt and the woman didn't even bat an eyelid. In fact, she apologised that they didn't meet my quality needs!

Those are just a few examples off the top of my head.

I believe the benefits for you far outweigh the sacrifices on your time. But I also believe that a bit of guidance and encouragement from MSE and possibly other forums (Reddit?), you'll absolutely have this nailed, OP.

Wishing you much luck and sending hugs.

As many others have said, please seriously consider all the things you could do (and are prepared to do) to keep your beloved house.
I went through very similar 12 years ago. Relocated for financial reasons, and to a totally different part of the country. It broke my heart completely. Had cold feel while in the buying/selling process but was convinced by my husband (we have divorced since) that it was the right thing to do. My children, now in their early 20s, love it where we are but I still regret it and wished that I had done more to stay where we were. And actually could have but was too steamrollered / broken to see that clearly. The day we moved out of that house is still the saddest one of my whole life (and I have had many bereavements and other tough moments in life). This is not just hyperbole - it is genuinely how it felt to me.
Have not been back to that area but if I do it would be impossible for me to drive past / look at 'my' house. Please think hard about how this would affect you.
And all the very best to you.

They will still have the memories.

I grew up in London, moved away in my twenties. I had very strong memories of my family home, street, places we'd regularly visit, cafes, shops etc

I hadn't been back to the area for 10 years and as you can imagine it's all changed, I barely recognised anything.

But I still have those memories from childhood, even though I know intellectually that none of it exists anymore.

So your dcs will be fine with their memories.

This is silly to say. I am a single mother and rented out a room to an older French lady who's daughter and family lived local to me but didn't have the space to put her up. She stayed with us for nearly a year and it was the easiest £550 a month I ever made. She was lovely and her grandchildren went to the same school as my two. Tax free income too.

So it can work.

This is all great advice. I've cancelled all our tv streaming subs and my kids moaned for about a month and now don't mention it. I use Lebara for phone at a fraction of what I was paying (thanks MSE). I buy a lot of my kids shoes and clothes on Ebay. And we are much more frugal with eating out (treats only) and other luxuries that had become par for the course. This is so that I could drop my hours. It's doable. Good luck

Oh and my kids make all our greetings cards. Saves a fortune on tat and much more appreciated!