Want to move up North

[Lala1962]

My partner (32) and I (29) currently live in Surrey in the South East. He is born and bred here and his mum, siblings, grandparents and friends all live here. He has never lived further away than 30 minutes down the road. I am a military brat and moved around every 2 years as a child. My parents have since retired and now live in the North West, where they are from, with the rest of my extended family. I lived with them for 4 years as a late teen. I ended up in Surrey due to uni and stayed for a job but likely would have moved back to the NW a few years ago if I hadn’t met my partner unexpectedly. My friends are dotted all over the country. Partner and I have recently had a baby who was somewhat of a wonderful surprise.

In the past few years the SE has become completely unaffordable to live for normal working people. We both have decent jobs but still are out-priced with property. Currently we live in a tiny cottage through partner’s work and pay below market rate but we have outgrown it. Before DD we would have been able to afford to rent elsewhere had anything happened to this property but now with DD and the ridiculous cost of childcare (even with govt support) we’d only be able to rent a small 1-bed flat at best in the same area. We both want more children but simply cannot afford either to house more or to have them cared for here. We would (and will) be very much living month to month with very little left over. Whilst I aim to move up in my profession, this will be gradual and the salary increase not significant enough to impact what we can afford here probably for a few decades!

We both share the same goal to own a property and get on the housing ladder as soon as possible. We met with a mortgage adviser a few weeks ago who essentially told us we couldn’t afford to buy in the South East and, with our deposit and income/childcare, we’d be looking at buying a max of £200k comfortably.

My opinion is that we should make the move up North near my family, so we would at least have some kind of familiarity and support. The housing prices are significantly cheaper and we could easily afford a lovely 3-bed family starter home and have money left over each month to save for a holiday, go out for meals, visit the south east etc. I can do my job from anywhere in the country. My partner is self-employed but can easily set himself up in the NW. My parents own a second home they rent out which we could live in for cheap rent whilst we are getting ourselves sorted. As well as the NW giving us a better life, I also feel we should be giving our DD a better opportunity for her future instead of staying here and putting her in the same position we are currently in. We could move elsewhere that is not as far from SE but my partner and I are both massive introverts and don’t make friends easily so I think it’s important to be somewhere with pre-existing support. I also think that once it’s over an hour, it doesn’t matter if you’re 2 or 5 hours away as you still need to plan to visit in the same way especially with children.

Understandably, my partner is terrified of leaving and moving away from this area. He actually said he was ‘petrified’ last week. He goes back and forward with the idea but ultimately I know won’t do anything unless he is pushed. Whilst I completely appreciate his fears of leaving behind his family and friends, I am a bit disappointed he is only looking at this and not fully appreciating what is best for his own family’s future (me and DD). I feel we are worth more than what we can get here. Ultimately we simply do not have a very promising future here and will just be stuck in the tiny cottage we both hate and unable to buy or have any more children. I have very strong relationships with my family and friends who are all long distance (arguably stronger) so am living proof that the distance will not end any relationships he currently has.

I have tried to discuss it with him to take next steps but haven’t got anywhere although he has made concessions that we would be better off up North. I don’t know what to do to move forwards with this and also am now doubting whether I’m being unreasonable by even suggesting a move up to the NW. It doesn’t help that his mum is not overly supportive (last week she said if she ever came into any money she wouldn’t give us any towards a property if it meant we would leave her). His mum has been in council housing and had support as a single mother all her life so doesn’t really understand our predicament. My parents just want me/us to be happy.

I know that this is not an issue only impacting us and I do think it’s very sad that people like my partner are priced out of the area they grew up in and where their families live. My partners friends who have bought in this area have all had financial assistance and those who have not likely will also need to move once they start having families etc.

So two questions..

1. AIBU to suggest/want to move up North?
2. If not, how can I try to move things forwards with my partner?

Will he maybe agree to live there for a year with the possibility of moving back if it doesn't work out for him?

How much time has he spent where you want to move to?

Can you work out details for helping him establish self employment and visit his family and friends regularly?

Him being worried about re-establishing his business in a new location is reasonable as is moving away from his DM but he seems to be catastrophising somewhat.

Has he ever been to the area you'd live in and can you visit for a few days so he can see for himself it's a good place to live?

What's his industry? Would he be able to sub contract until he makes a name for himself rather than start from scratch? But if it's a trade, he should be fine as its the same as everywhere, good trades people are hard to find. If you got all your friends and family to put the word around that he's just moved to the area and is looking for work that should be a good start for him.

I could have written this, my story is so similar to yours and after 3 years of house hunting and watching what was possibly affordable in the SE become out of reach, earlier this year we moved to the NW.

Your husband is used to his bubble, and that's fine, it just sounds like he needs a bit more coaxing to see the benefits of a move. You could start with talking about the similarities between the two regions - beautiful, historic, lots of green - then start visiting the NW more, casually driving through areas that might work for you and walking past estate agent windows to see the direct comparison of house prices. Keep talking about the positives of the region and what you like about it, plus the benefit of living there.

Visiting local National Trust sites and realisation of what we could afford in the area I had family both massively influenced my DP in his willingness to move. I'd suggest the slowly slowly catchy monkey approach though if he's nervous.

We literally halved our childcare bill moving North and bought our dream home. We still commute which takes the shine off, but if you don't have to do that, well even better!!

Good luck, I hope you get your move! 😃

You're not unreasonable. We relocated to be able to afford housing and things and it was a really good move to have made. Yes, the grandparents will cry and have a lot to say about it, but it's really not their decision. We all have to make choices for our own family circumstances like they did for theirs.

I'm sure it's scary for your DH if he's only ever been in one place all his life. He needs to think of it as an adventure and of all the gains you will get. If it doesn't work out, you can move again.

I think this thread belongs in Property/DIY OP.

I wonder if your OH is terrified of being reliant on your family, especially since his own mum has said she would cut you off if you move away. What a horrible attitude she has taken.

Anyway, I don’t know the first thing about what prices are like in the rest of the country right now but I can tell you I don’t think the NE/NW is much cheaper for anything but housing these days. Certainly, I don’t find myself thinking “oh, that’s cheap” ever, and I am from the South East. Some examples:

A one season pass to Blackpool pleasure beach is about to increase to £225 for adults and £199 for kids. Kids are considered adults over the age of 11. That’s for around two months. You are not allowed to enter it and mosy around and get a candy floss and just watch people on the rides anymore. But you can buy a day pass for £50. The locals report a load of rides are closed or falling apart too.

Our local kebab house charges £34 for kebab and chips.

Pints hover around £6 in most places unless you are lucky enough to find a cheap local.

A two course meal with one drink each in a pub is £70.

I wanted to visit Cragside (one of the first houses to get electricity) when we were up that way in summer, but the £30 entry fee was quite offputting.

Idk if you are suffering much higher prices where you are now - but I just wanted to warn you - I don’t think the North (except for some housing) is “cheap” anymore.

I don’t really think anywhere is.

The one big expense is housing. No one NEEDS to go out for kebab and chips but people do NEED housing.

I think it sounds a great idea OP. You are young. You can do whatever. If you don't like it you can leave. Be brave.

If his mum is in council housing would she consider moving too? Although with her current attitude I’m not sure how welcome that would be!

I’m like you OP I’ve moved around a lot so to me your plan makes perfect sense, could you rent initially in the NW? It’d also give you the opportunity to properly check out areas and less of a commitment initially than buying.

£34 for kebab and chips. Is that a typo?

OP this thread may be better in relationships.

Is your DH’s mother the type to get offended and refuse to come to visit you in the NW? Or is she of an age/health/personality that might limit travel? Does he have siblings who would stay close to her? Does she know and get on with your side of the family?

I can see that it is quite a big kick in the teeth for her for you to take her grandchild hundreds of miles away, particularly when you are specifically doing it so your parents can help more. But your financial position sounds very limited, and it seems unnecessary for you to live such a restricted life when it sounds like your jobs don’t tie you to Surrey.

Could MIL move too?

I’d suggest that you and your DH start spending more time in the NW so he can get more of a feel for it and start to imagine living there.

You should also remember that Northerners can be quite parochial and unkind to people with south of England accents. It may be hard for him to settle in and harder to set up his business than you might think if it relies on local goodwill.

Also, how do you currently get tied accommodation if he is self-employed?

Bloody hell where do you live where kebab and chips is £34?

Or is that for the whole family? It's about £5-10 per large portion here in Leeds and the city isn't particularly cheap for eating out.

But I think hardly anyone pays the 'gate' price at NT as family membership is not much more than a tenner a month so you'd only have to go a few times a year for it to be worth it.

Plus there's been endless free family passes in newspapers in the last year or two if you want to go but not pay full price.

Friends of ours moved north a few years ago, last year the rest of the family joined them having seen how much their life improved.
I agree with PP approach of trying it for a while, though the reality is your probably find it very hard to return once you've made the move.
I think it's very sensible to move, I've always believed that the place you live should suit your finances and lifestyle. It can be miserable living month to month.

Nothing has to be permanent. Why don’t you book a week off work, get an air b&b in the type of property/area that you'd want to be in that’s in your budget. Spend the week. Have a look at a couple schools etc

as an aside- childcare is also a ton cheaper up north. Mine is £63 a day for a baby. Any additional hours above the free childcare hours for the 3 year old was £7 an hour. He’s now at pre school with a wraparound care.

Weird examples. You could have a two course meal for two with one drink each for less than £70 in a pub even in my very expensive bit of the north. Annual passes to rollercoaster parks will always be an expensive luxury wherever they are. And I suspect you are describing something quite different to most people’s notion of kebab and chips if whatever it is costs £34 a portion.

You should also remember that Northerners can be quite parochial and unkind to people with south of England accents

Well this is one of the most stupid things I've ever read on here, and that's saying something. After spending the last 20+ years working in cities including Manchester, Sheffield, Leeds and Newcastle I can honestly say I've never seen or heard this. There are just as many people with "southern" accents in many workplaces as there are "northern" ones.

I mean, if you're hanging out in a working men's club in a former pit village, then you might get a raised eyebrow or two if you go up to the bar with a "southern" accent (whatever the hell that is - London hardly sounds like Cornwall does it) and loudly try to order an espresso martini, but I didn't get the impression from the OP that this was her plan.

People who are petrified of change (DH is like this) are scared of the unknown. So he might realise it is a good idea but be paralysed by what it entails The way around this (I have discovered over the decades DH and I have been married, is to familiarise him with the change. I suggest you go and visit family for a weekend. Stay in the rental cottage, so it becomes a familiar place to him. Drive around the area, look in estate agents windows.

Be clever about it. If you know he likes a pint in a pub or a cafe breakfast, find a nice one and make it your local when you visit. Go on the same walks. Create mini routines that he enjoys in the new 0place. Do this three or four times until it is a home from home. each time push the idea of moving a tiny bit closer (just window shop estate agents the first couple of times Maybe set up viewings the next couple of times.

Thanks so much for the advice. I think getting him more familiar with the area will help as you say. Glad to hear you got your move and all is going well!

Property and childcare are the two biggies in terms of things being more affordable. The other things are more luxuries and on the basis we’d be on the same or similar salaries we’d have more left over each month to spend on those little luxuries.

There was literally a thread on it last week with a Northerner saying how they just couldn’t get on with people from The South.

You should also remember that Northerners can be quite parochial and unkind to people with south of England accents. It may be hard for him to settle in and harder to set up his business than you might think if it relies on local goodwill.

Ah, the well known hive mind of northerners. We also point and stare.

If he's a reasonably reliable contractor/tradesperson/craftsman I think the northern 'we' would be pretty delighted. If someone does a good job word goes around pretty quickly. If he's good it's much more likely that his accent will lead to no more than 'get that southern bloke in he's good'.

Can you encourage him to spend some time in the area your considering?. It's a massive change for him, and I fear one your MIL is going to actively discourage at every opportunity! That may be your battle ground!

No she would never leave this area, she has two other children, one who is in a council house too with his family and another who is moving to the south west next year where her partners family are as they are also unable to afford the SE.

yes we’d definitely rent first to get a feel for the area and where we’d want to buy (if we did!)

Well, there you go, one out of three moving away and other grandkids still close is a pretty good outcome for her.

Our local kebab house charges £34 for kebab and chips

I don't think you know what kebab and chips is 😂 I could get kebab and chips for 4 for £34. Where the hell, ANYWHERE in the UK, charges 30 quid for a kebab?!

Also 'two course meal with a drink' being £70...depends on the pub and the meal surely. I can go to our local, fairly decent, beefeater in town and get two courses for £12.99 a head. I could absolutely also spend £70 on the same at a very naice, coastal bistro down the road if I chose. But you don't 'have' to spend £70 by any means.

Hi op....take dp on a lovely long drive stopping at some beautiful spots ( scenery, food, historic) etc we did this and frll in love with the dales and moved from near London to NE several years ago , never regretting it.we easily found employment although everyone round us in the south kept saying you won't stay there there's no work bla bla.
We have our dream home and a near perfect life in comparison so GO FOR IT

£34 for kebab and chips? 🤣🤣 No it isn't.

Such weird examples to give. In every town in the NW you could go to the nearest Green King pub and have a meal for 2 for £11.99 (not each). Presumably they have similar down south 🤣

I feel so sad for you. The housing situation in the South East is dire. I live in London and know we wouldn't even be able to buy a one bed flat here if we were starting out as a young couple in today's market. Your idea to relocate makes so much sense, but there is more to it than bricks and mortar. Family ties, friends and cultural differences will all affect how well you both manage to settle in the North. And once you move up north, it is nigh on impossible to relocate again to the South East. Suggestions of renting an Airbnb for a couple of weeks to explore areas are a really good starting point. Perhaps you could also give some consession to DH to work less and have more free time to pursue a hobby or have time at home with your child, if that would be something he would like. Lastly, could you buy and rent out somewhere in Surrey, so that you have a foothold in the South East which could mean you could move back if you wanted to? I have friends who have done this and it is a comfort to know the SE door has not been shut in your face when you move out.