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Original poster

Can we afford a 3rd baby

61 replies

bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 15:43

NC for this. My head is a bit all over the place, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Not planned, obviously. DC1 is 4.5 and DC2 is 2. We had only planned on having two, in part because of financial reasons.

Not sure what to do. I'm not sure if we can afford a third but I don't even really know where to start in terms of trying to work it out. I think that in the immediate short term we would be ok, as things currently stand we are fortunate that we do manage to save a few hundred each month so would be able to put money aside to tide us over during SMP. My work gives me 5 months full pay which is good, then SMP for another 4 months. So we would be able to save to cover the 4 months and then I would be able to use a couple of weeks of leave to hopefully take me up to 10 months before having to go back.

However I'm worried longer term. We have a big mortgage, it's £1k a month and we are on a very low rate that is due to end in Aug 2025. God knows what that will go up to, as things stand currently it would be about £1450 if we had to remortgage today. Also DC1 is about to start school and in 2024 DC2 will be eligible for 30 free hours at preschool so I was planning to ask work for a different working pattern during school holidays (they're very good with flexible working) or possibly reduced hours so that we only need to use 1 day of leave each per week to cover the holidays. DC2 would be too young for the holiday clubs around here. However if we had a baby then I'd still need to be paying for them at nursery year-round or would have to try to find a term-time only childminder which is like searching for the moon on a stick here.

Then there's obviously the extra costs of things like nappies and food etc. And longer term all the other things. We have friends who would happily lend us various baby clothes etc and I'm happy to have second hand as I did for my other two but don't even know where to start! Oh and we'd need a different car. Any help gratefully received!

OP posts:
Original poster
bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 17:01

Meant to add that when our mortgage rate goes up that will eat up most of the spare money we have that we are currently able to save. I do a monthly budget and things would get a lot tighter in Aug 2025

OP posts:
CrackedSkull · 30/05/2023 17:04

Have this baby . You will find the money . Have this baby and get your O/h to have the snip . That's what I would do .

mycoffeecup · 30/05/2023 17:06

In your situation I'd have a TOP. A new baby is going to worsen the lives of your existing kids. You don't want a third. you have choices and you don't need to justify them to anyone.

Original poster
bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 17:25

@mycoffeecup it's not so much that we don't want a third. It's partly that we didn't think we could afford it easily. I also worried about fertility as I'm a bit older now although clearly still fertile by the looks of it! But definitely not 'old' by most people's standards. So it's less the case that we didn't want a third and more that we just thought it would be sensible to have two.

OP posts:
IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 30/05/2023 17:29

I think I would want to have the baby in those circumstances. Do you have room for another child in your house? Is your oh on board?

I'd also get him to have the snip after this baby or asap!

Original poster
bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 17:57

In theory we have room for another one. Current two are the same sex so could share a room at least in the primary years. We are in a three bed house and there’s the master, another double and then a fairly small single. So two children could share a double room.

DH is alarmingly laid back about it all even though he is very hands on and does his share of things (ie it’s not that he’s blasé about it just because I do all the grunt work). He was previously very avoidant about the snip and I thought he was just not wanting a knife anywhere near his knickers but now I’m wondering if he kind of wanted another one all along? He’s saying a big family would be nice..

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 18:59

It’s sounds very much like you want the baby? If so, have the baby. You aren’t talking about TTC a third anymore, you are already pregnant and aren’t desperately on the breadline, so if you want to keep your baby keep it, things might get harder but they will work out.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/05/2023 19:21

Honestly no, you can't. What happens when current 2 DC reach an age of wanting their own space and not wanting to share? It will be arguement enough already who gets the double and who the small single with things being "unfair". If there's not enough rooms for everyone to have their own, you've got more kids than you can afford.

Also given the current economy and housing availability, more and more kids are having to stay at home to an older age before they can afford to move out. Unless something drastically changes in the next 15 years, you could end up with 18, 15 and 13 year olds still needing you to house them all.

TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 19:24

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/05/2023 19:21

Honestly no, you can't. What happens when current 2 DC reach an age of wanting their own space and not wanting to share? It will be arguement enough already who gets the double and who the small single with things being "unfair". If there's not enough rooms for everyone to have their own, you've got more kids than you can afford.

Also given the current economy and housing availability, more and more kids are having to stay at home to an older age before they can afford to move out. Unless something drastically changes in the next 15 years, you could end up with 18, 15 and 13 year olds still needing you to house them all.

Pretty normal for 13-18 year olds still needing to live at home! Plenty of kids share rooms and love it.

Original poster
bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 19:39

Fair points about the housing situation although a) I do think it’s fine for younger ones to share up to the end of primary and b) in our current house we do have a second lounge space downstairs that is separate from the rest of the living area and could easily be a bedroom for a teenager. However I do work part-time and am working on the assumption that I would increase my hours back up as the kids got older, maybe not to full time but more than the 0.6FTE that I currently do. So further down the line our family income would/could increase.

Im not really familiar with the costs of raising primary aged DC, so I’m not sure how much I’d be needing to pay out for uniforms/school trips/hobbies/lunches. I’m assuming it’s less than the cost of preschool childcare though?! I know in the teenage years they get even more expensive again..

OP posts:
EmeraldFox · 30/05/2023 19:57

The housing situation is fine. The older two would be fine to share at secondary age too, or if the baby is the same sex then you could switch it to the oldest having their own room. Children don't need their own room and it certainly doesn't indicate an inability to afford a third!

Original poster
bagforlifeamnesty · 31/05/2023 06:25

Thank you that’s maybe what we could do. I’m still just not sure about how much a third child would increase our families outgoings or how much spare money we’d need to have to make this affordable?

OP posts:
meatbaseddessert · 31/05/2023 06:27

The planet can't afford replacing more than yourselves.

shivawn · 31/05/2023 11:21

bagforlifeamnesty · 30/05/2023 17:57

In theory we have room for another one. Current two are the same sex so could share a room at least in the primary years. We are in a three bed house and there’s the master, another double and then a fairly small single. So two children could share a double room.

DH is alarmingly laid back about it all even though he is very hands on and does his share of things (ie it’s not that he’s blasé about it just because I do all the grunt work). He was previously very avoidant about the snip and I thought he was just not wanting a knife anywhere near his knickers but now I’m wondering if he kind of wanted another one all along? He’s saying a big family would be nice..

Would you like a 3rd child yourself OP? In your situation I would go ahead with this pregnancy. You have room, you're currently saving and you have scope to increase your income in the future.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/05/2023 11:24

No you can afford it and please do not listen to fanciful people saying you will find the money, you won't and it will be a struggle you put upon yourself AND the children you already have here that deserve the best you can give them.

TeaKitten · 31/05/2023 11:50

TomatoSandwiches · 31/05/2023 11:24

No you can afford it and please do not listen to fanciful people saying you will find the money, you won't and it will be a struggle you put upon yourself AND the children you already have here that deserve the best you can give them.

How do you no she won’t? How can you actually no her and her husbands future earning potential? She’s already explained how they have scope to earn more.

You seem to have attracted a few posters who just want you to abort OP, I hope you’ve found the balanced views helpful though whatever you decide.

snowlaser · 31/05/2023 12:41

meatbaseddessert · 31/05/2023 06:27

The planet can't afford replacing more than yourselves.

Bit late for that moralising when she is already pregnant! In any event, some people don't have children, so to replace the current population some couples will have to have 3.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 12:45

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/05/2023 19:21

Honestly no, you can't. What happens when current 2 DC reach an age of wanting their own space and not wanting to share? It will be arguement enough already who gets the double and who the small single with things being "unfair". If there's not enough rooms for everyone to have their own, you've got more kids than you can afford.

Also given the current economy and housing availability, more and more kids are having to stay at home to an older age before they can afford to move out. Unless something drastically changes in the next 15 years, you could end up with 18, 15 and 13 year olds still needing you to house them all.

Many people share rooms. It's a very modern thing this whole "must have their own room" and double beds for kids.

Middlelanehogger · 31/05/2023 12:48

It sounds like you can afford it in the immediate term. Predicting that far into the future based on your current circumstances seems a bit silly though. If your circumstances change, you'll change your circumstances...

Azealeasinbloom · 31/05/2023 12:55

perhaps look at it the other way. You are pregnant now. How would you feel if you chose not to have this baby ? Relieved? Very sad ?

I am just asking by the way - I am 100% pro choice, so not judging or expecting an answer. Just for you to consider for yourself.

SkyandSurf · 31/05/2023 13:03

meatbaseddessert · 31/05/2023 06:27

The planet can't afford replacing more than yourselves.

🙄

Many people have no children, can they transfer their quota to OP?

frugalita · 31/05/2023 13:06

Middlelanehogger · 31/05/2023 12:48

It sounds like you can afford it in the immediate term. Predicting that far into the future based on your current circumstances seems a bit silly though. If your circumstances change, you'll change your circumstances...

totally agreed with this. Nobody can predict the future.

SkyandSurf · 31/05/2023 13:06

OP, if you want the baby then have it. You sound very well set up. Your earning potential will be higher in a few years.

Terminating a wanted baby is a long term solution to a short term financial problem.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 31/05/2023 13:12

Its not just day to day costs, every time you want to book to book for a day oit/holiday/cinema trip/dinner out etc, its an extra person, and 4 people is expensive as it is.

I wouldn't keep the baby in this situation, because for me personally i don't want to just scrape through every month. I want fun money, i want to go on holiday, get a newer car, treat myself and the kids. A 3rd child for me would mean none of that

YukoandHiro · 31/05/2023 13:14

How old are you? This matters in part because the "can we afford it" extends into teen years and uni/study costs etc. And whether we can have a third plus afford to save for your pension etc.
We've had to have a hard no on 3 due to our age. But I would find it hard if we had an accident.
So tricky! Whatever you decide you WILL manage. But maybe with quite a few compromises.