Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Cost of living

Stretching your budget? Share tips and advice to discuss budgeting and energy saving here. For the latest deals and discounts, sign up for Mumsnet Moneysaver emails.

Original poster

Disabled self employed and working all I can

49 replies

HouseElf2 · 09/11/2022 22:21

So I work 40-70 hours a week and pay all the utilities etc. My partner took a care job and from working 5x3 hours now works 1x 24 hours sleeping care work and claims that the agency for other jobs doesn't call.

I simply can't find any more money as £500 in heating oil and food and utilities leave me with nothing.

I have explained that where as I could pay all the bills before, it's not possible.

I have explained that 4 days a month and zero contribution doesn't work and they should look for more work and contribute.

I have explained if we split that there wouldn't be any more than I currently pay as HMRC record shows I don't make any more.

I'm at my witts end as partner underemployed and doesn't see I can't pay any more. A dose of reality would help and maybe they need to move out to learn value of money.

I feel the children should stay with me or go with partner and experience reality of having to pay something.

I'm not sure how to sort this as simply financially it doesn't add up and the pressure of expectation of me to pay everything is impossible.

I feel they are free wheeling as I don't see any contribution to any bills and its making me ill trying to pay everything

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 10/11/2022 00:42

Are you claiming any benefits you may be eligible for?

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/11/2022 00:47

If you don’t want to kick the free loader out could you simply stop paying for stuff for him?

If you did kick him out unless the dc’s are of working age I would keep them with me as I wouldn’t want them suffering neglect. If working age they either go where they want and if they stay the have to get employment.

How long have you been with him and has he always been a drain financially?

Original poster
HouseElf2 · 10/11/2022 01:25

18 years and only recently she got a job. The recent agreement was overnight care work and agency with prior employer. Because prior employment agency work sporadic- the excuses are that there isn't work.
I've been housebound prior, have a blue badge and work minimum of 40+ hours a week.
I feel like a donkey being whipped to work harder and I can't see how I can be expected to find any more money.

I used to get Direct Payments from the council, but that all stopped years ago, I still get DLA or whatever it's called and that seems to disappear on bills /food

I believe we get holiday school food vouchers, but I have nothing to do with these.

I had a really bad experience with DWP and MP involved-I get nothing now.

I have tried to explain that food, heating oil etc have all jumped and it isn't that I spend huge amount on recreation as its at most £5 week if I have it spare normally £3.50.

I'm at the point where it's liable to be portrayed I'm at fault, but I can't see how to juggle household of 2 adults and 2 secondary school children on the income I have.

The oil heating is warming hot water, I dread winter for real as prior we used 1000 ltrs - 2000ltrs and that was £325-650
Now it will be £1000-2000 which I simply don't have.

I feel the single parent friend in same area is stirring it up.

I'm finding whole situation corrosive and wonder if children stay with me and partner moves out would be better?

Apologies but strangers on the Internet easier to talk to, sure many in similar situations.

OP posts:
200degrees · 10/11/2022 01:36

What happened with DWP?

ultimately the only way to get more money is to get better paid work or for her to increase her hours. Is there any training you can do to get promoted for example?

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 01:48

It sounds as though there is a long history to this?

If you split, what would the housing situation be? That’s worth considering first. You need to know what the end game is before you make your next move.

In terms of mitigation for her do you think she lost confidence in the years she wasn’t working? Has she ever in her life lived alone and paid her own bills? Those factors can make a difference to someone’s maturity around work and money.

Ekátn · 10/11/2022 01:49

It’s costing you more to have your partner there, if he barely contributes anything.

I would split with my partner and the. Claim all I was entitled to as a single parent.

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 01:50

I believe we get holiday school food vouchers, but I have nothing to do with these.

BTW, if she has been claiming those, it’s because she’s established some kind of entitlement to free school meals for the children. Any idea what that would be based on?

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 01:57

I'm at the point where it's liable to be portrayed I'm at fault, but I can't see how to juggle household of 2 adults and 2 secondary school children on the income I have.

And then this para….

This sounds toxic.

I don’t know if you’re male or female (might be better but to say TBH) but if you feel that you’re likely to be accused of something or painted in a bad light, then the relationship is probably coming apart anyway and it might be wise to protect yourself.

If you only had yourself and two DC to provide for and could claim some minor child maintenance from her, you’d probably be better off separated, and much less stressed,

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/11/2022 01:58

They either get a job, something more stable than agency work or one of you leave. The children stay where they are

Who moves depends on whose name is on the property. If both names if you have adaptions in the home then they leave as it’s hard to find private with adaptions. If no adaptions who leaves depends on who does the main child stuff. If the home is also where the business is run from you stay.

You both need to communicate though. Even if you split the other person will still have to get employment.

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 01:59

How can you work 40-70 hours per week and earn £500 per month? That's illegal.

Your partner sounds lazy. Tell them to pull their weight or leave.

Original poster
HouseElf2 · 10/11/2022 02:01

200degrees · 10/11/2022 01:36

What happened with DWP?

ultimately the only way to get more money is to get better paid work or for her to increase her hours. Is there any training you can do to get promoted for example?

They lied said I didn't turn up to an appointment, had it in writing it was cancelled and took MP 3 months to sort it and almost evicted for it.

She used to get child tax credits, I never had anything to do with it and they claimed she owed £0000's and a subject access request showed their fault-she got chased by debt collectors and in the end pays £15 month for next 30+years interest free.

I got dumped by Council purge on direct payments as they couldn't afford it, dumped by social services who part funded it.

With chronic diarrhoea, not being able to walk, did some work with family and some buying and selling of items.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/needs-enhanced-support-nes-customers do my tax return and I owe £158 national insurance allegedly this year.

OP posts:
AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:02

It sounds like she has no means to provide for them so they'd be better staying with you. Why if you are insuch dire straightd is she not working more? Appalling when there are job vacancies everywhere. She needs to do her half of providing for the childrem. Tell her this or tell her she needs to leave. Why should your children suffer like this because she's too lazy to work?

Original poster
HouseElf2 · 10/11/2022 02:05

After all costs I earn average £173 week, self employed no minimum wage and the activities I do to sell items don't necessarily pay each hour.
Example stock collection and sorting does not pay by hour- so easy to have hours of collection and preparation that is unpaid.

OP posts:
AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:06

I feel the children should stay with me or go with partner and experience reality of having to pay something.

She needs to learn this, not the kids. Prioritise looking after them. If she can't be bothered to do the same then she can leave.

I really cannot understand anybody who won't do whatever it takes to look after their children. Her behaviour sounds appalling.

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:07

HouseElf2 · 10/11/2022 02:05

After all costs I earn average £173 week, self employed no minimum wage and the activities I do to sell items don't necessarily pay each hour.
Example stock collection and sorting does not pay by hour- so easy to have hours of collection and preparation that is unpaid.

It does not sound like this is working for either of you. You can't afford to do this business if it doesn't pay the bills. You both need to get full time jobs.

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 02:07

How much is your rent?

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:07

£173pw is not a livable salary. Also very specific. Why exactly that amount?

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:10

Seriously both of you need to get your shit together and get full time jobs so you can provide for yourselves amd your children properly. This whole situation sounds bonkers, both parents refusing to work in even minimum wage jobs full time. Mad.

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 02:10

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:07

£173pw is not a livable salary. Also very specific. Why exactly that amount?

I expect it’s taken from last year’s tax return.

It does not sound like this is working for either of you. You can't afford to do this business if it doesn't pay the bills. You both need to get full time jobs.

I don’t think that’s an option for an OP who qualified for direct payments (ie disability help in the home) and everything else they mention.

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:11

I don’t think that’s an option for an OP who qualified for direct payments (ie disability help in the home) and everything else they mention.

There are plenty of remote working roles now. I am disabled myself. It is absolutely possible.

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 02:12

HouseElf2 · 10/11/2022 02:05

After all costs I earn average £173 week, self employed no minimum wage and the activities I do to sell items don't necessarily pay each hour.
Example stock collection and sorting does not pay by hour- so easy to have hours of collection and preparation that is unpaid.

OP, there might be better paying ways of pursuing self employment from home but first of all you need to a) straighten out these relationship issues and b) claim universal credit. The stress is going to kill you before you can dig yourself out otherwise.

The way self employed income is reported for UC is monthly. It’s very different from the annual estimates that tax credits ran on. Make the claim yourself and be in control of it.

200degrees · 10/11/2022 02:14

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 01:59

How can you work 40-70 hours per week and earn £500 per month? That's illegal.

Your partner sounds lazy. Tell them to pull their weight or leave.

That’s the thing with Universal Credit and DWP. It’s not there to top up self employment income. If you’re not gainfully self employed (ie your self employment is not considered the equivalent of full time work earnings with minimum wage) then you would be expected to find full time employment and have the benefit cap applied.

if OP works 70 hours per week and earns £500, their self employment is not seen as valid essentially. It’s paid less than minimum wage and it could be the case that OP has expenses that outweigh the income

AliensAteMyHomework · 10/11/2022 02:16

So like I said, this is not viable. They both need full time jobs.

FromageRouge · 10/11/2022 02:16

That’s the thing with Universal Credit and DWP. It’s not there to top up self employment income. If you’re not gainfully self employed (ie your self employment is not considered the equivalent of full time work earnings with minimum wage) then you would be expected to find full time employment and have the benefit cap applied.

Not if OP has a limited capacity for work.

This all needs unpicking in priority order. Fist priority is this winter’s food and heating oil.

Discovereads · 10/11/2022 02:16

You work 40-70hrs/week self-employed and take home £173/wk
Your partner works 24hrs/week and take home £228/wk (if on NMW)

Why are you not claiming UC?
I agree you need to look for a regular job, the self-employed route isn’t working. Work smarter not harder.

Does your partner have any caring responsibilities for you and/or the DC that are keeping her from working more than 24hrs/week? (You’ve said you are disabled with blue badge, receive DLA/PIP and been housebound. You’ve implied the DC are hers but not said their ages?). If not, can see why she should look into a second job of some sort to increase her hours.