Telling dh about secret debt

[Finallycomingclean]

Over the last several years we have run up debts by overspending and I havent told DH. For several years I didn't work as I was at home with the children but we didn't budget well enough. Then for years after that i had an unreliable income. It was general overspending then debt consolidation loans and I'm in debt to the tune of 26k. It is all in my name.

Between us we now earn £4k per month on a set wage. No mortgage. We have money which is in savings in both of our names (several times the amount of the debt) that has been classed as our pension so I didn't feel we could dip into it. I know that we could pay this debt easily if I can just be honest with him.

I've had enough and I need to tell him. We have problems with communication and I must admit I've been in debt before and paid it off. We've almost split for other reasons over the last couple of years linked to his mental health issues which lead to emotional abuse/ porn addiction and controlling behaviour and we've been making progress, but if I don't tell him this then there's no hope for us. Now that he's working on these things I feel I can finally be honest.

I've written him a letter. He's out just now but I'm planning on giving it to him when he gets home. I'm bloody terrified.

You need to tell your DH and you need to use savings to pay off the debt as you must be incurring huge interest payments. Clear the debt and then start saving again.

It is terrifying, but you're doing the right thing here. Fully explain why you haven't felt able to confide in him until now, and why youve chosen now to do it. Good luck x

You also need to address the behaviour that led to the debt, or the cycle will repeat.

Good luck x

Luckily as we're now both working full time the overspending is no longer an issue, it's the interest payments that are making it worse but I do think we need to do a major budgeting overhaul so that unexpected costs have less of an impact.

I fully realise he may not forgive me, I feel awful about having kept it from him but it's just seemed too huge, especially when I still wasn't earning and was worried about his mental health, then we hit the other issues and we were on rocky ground. Bizarrely, I want to come clean because I think we might be on the road to a healthier relationship.

So did you run up the debt because there wasn't enough money available to pay for normal family things such as: haircuts, children's clothes/shoes, swimming lessons, the odd day out, etc, whilst dh was saving or not being acceptably generous? Huge difference between that and squandering money imo.

Good luck op. Be proud of yourself for taking responsibility and coming clean about it. I hope you and your dp can work it out together

Regardless of what was spent why, this is the right thing to do. Whether it kills or helps your marriage, NOT telling him will be a bitter end. Pay the 26k in one go l, get it clear and start afresh.

A bit of both if I'm totally honest.

Initially it was on not being able to afford life on one wage but also the occasional holiday saving shortfall/ not saving enough for christmas/ birthdays. Again, much less of an issue now but repayments are too high.

How did it go?

I've been there x

So in the co text you have described it is really family debt. You were dealing with expectations and needs because your dh wasn't and for some reason there was less than open communication and he was letting the good stuff happen without reaching the end of his pockets.

Whilst it shouldn't have happened I think it's understandable it did and also that you shouldn't have to shoulder it alone because there is culpability on both sides. Is he a bit mean op?

He isn't home yet.

It's 100% shared spending but the lack of communication is on me, I find it hard to admit when I've made a mistake and can't deal with people being annoyed with me. He generally isn't good with stressful stuff so I tend to shoulder that burden.

He has been mean in the past but has worked hard on things recently and his MH is much better than it was. He does still tend to have an attitude of 'we'll find the money for it somewhere' and then I have to do the finding. Though there's no reason he shouldn't be like that as he doesn't know I have debt. It is on me.

It's good you're planning to come clean.

But you sound very keen to blame your DH. You've admitted at least part of the debt wasn't from necessity. I totally get that - it's really easy to want a holiday, or to want to splash out at Christmas, and to persuade yourself it's a treat for the family so it's somehow ok.

But then, you've very quickly decided that was 'family spending,' even though your DH didn't know about it, and you've told us you 'shoulder the burden' of your DH not liking to be stressed and that's what's forced you into this situation.

I'm sorry, but to me it sounds like a pile of excuses.

I'm sure you found things really stressful and it must have been a lot of hard work to get to this state, but I think you're not being honest with yourself about what's going on here.

You have no mortgage and an income of £4k a month. You can clear a £26k debt in a year.

I'd say your priority should be your pensions. Having 'savings' instead of a pension is stupid.

Oh I'm definitely not blaming him, this is a problem of my own making. He would have spent less if he'd known about it, it's totally my fault that we are in debt. I just meant that it's not designer clothes/ splashing out massively.

Re stressful situations I didn't particularly mean money stuff and to be fair to him it wouldn't be the case any more. When we were younger his anxiety would be triggered by very minor stresses so I tended to deal with them, probably to make it easier for me as much as it was for him. I know it's not right. I didn't want to tell him we hadn't saved up enough. It's not his problem, it's mine. I think I also go into denial about how we'll be able to pay it back, and we could if he knew about it.

We both have actual pensions too.

I have been there OP, but much worse and I actually did it a few times
It was awful telling DH (I went out and did it by text) and the next few weeks/months were pretty terrible but we worked through it and are more stable now both financially and as a couple.
Good luck, it’s an awful place to be

@Finallycomingclean

How did it go, OP? Are you OK? 🌹

He wasn't back until midnight on Friday and then yesterday he'd had a lot to drink. I told him this morning and so far he's been amazing. He says we are more important than money and we will sort it.

He's going to take control of money stuff and we're going to make a plan later on.

I don't deserve his response.

Awww I'm glad it went well OP.

Do you feel relieved? I hope so. Good luck getting it all sorted.

All credit to him I'm not sure I'd be so understanding if DH had lied to me for years and gotten us into a huge amount of debt. Mind you it sounds like you've forgiven a lot of his behaviour I wouldn't have either, so he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Well done!

I feel absolutely exhausted and relieved. I think I'll feel even more so when we've made a plan for how to tackle it.

"He does still tend to have an attitude of 'we'll find the money for it somewhere' and then I have to do the finding. Though there's no reason he shouldn't be like that as he doesn't know I have debt. It is on me."

This was the bit that stood out to me OP. He thinks that when push comes to shove, it's all OK because good old Finally will find a magic money tree - and ok, you do solve the immediate need, but only by putting yourself into debt?

You two need to communicate a whole lot better, and you need to stop keeping things from him in order to save his stress levels. What about your stress levels? I'm really glad you've come clean and started to plan how you'll both do things differently. I think the key is honesty, and both of you being on the same page re money and taking equal responsibility.

Well done op I'm glad it went ok for you.