Have long covid since last year - am the breadwinner - dp won't talk about me giving up work

[HowLoud]

I am really struggling right now. I've had long Covid since September last year. I have a very stressful but well paying job but the longer this goes on, the more I am not coping.

Ideally I would like 3-6 months off work to see if I can recover but I can't get that from work so I would like to resign.

The problem is I'm in my 50s and it will be difficult to get another role. There are lots of redundancies in my field at the moment. If I quit, I have to be prepared that I won't get another role and also I may never be well enough.

Critical insurance won't pay out for long covid so there's no insurance that would cover me. I have some savings that would pay the bills for approx 2 years and if I wasn't working after that, I would have to sell my house.

The main issue is dp. He runs his own business and he's trying to raise some money for it to expand at the moment. If he's successful, then all is good and he would, for the first time, have to support me. We've only been seeing each other for 5 years but for most of our relationship I have paid the lion's share of things but understandably because I earn loads more than him.

I am trying to speak to dp about this and he just shuts down the conversation again. I've just tried again now and he's said 'go back to your insurance and try again, you need to be sure they won't pay'. But I am sure. I've checked everything. And when I say that he says go back and check with your boss again. Just take a few weeks off. But a few weeks is not going to fix this.

It's so hard to explain because some days I look ok but I'm really not. He is doing everything he can to help me recover - he's taken over he dog walking, cooking etc and he lets me rest as much as possible but work is killing me and I feel that a long break might just be the break I'm looking for

Are you actually subsidising him?
Or "just" providing him free housing and he pays 50% of all bills?

He lives in my house. We split some bills 50/50 but then some bills I pay in full myself. It works out fairly based on our salaries. The big issue is that my salary is so much more than his.

I think he's just so terrified of what it means financially if I give up work considering how much our income will drop with the possibility that I will never earn again

But I am genuinely getting to the end of my road. I have a week off work the first week of July and I want to make a decision at the end of that week but I would like us to at least have discussed it first!

OP - trust me - 3 to 6 months wont do the trick as one of my nieces has long covid and became very ill the Christmas before covid lockdown when the policiticnas did not take it seriously - shes had to leave her job but got another, this is working from home, mon to fridays with flexibility - sadly, from the few people I know with long covid, it is chronic and no offence, at times, many times its looks easier to give up work but it will be very hard to get back in there

with long covid, as soon as you start exerting yourself, meet others with colds etc, you will get them

Good luck and I hope your's is sorted a lot quicker than the people I know
EDIT - just read your other posts - You are doing it for yourself, put yourself first and even that includes my recommendations as made above
if your OH is like that, why are you together??

Don't resign until you know the best route to take, get some advice. Look at going off sick and then if needed they'll take you down the ill health dismissal route. That way you get sick pay, can go back if you improve, if you don't you'll get dismissed and have some proof to help get benefits.
Also if you've payed into a pension ill health retirement may be something to look at if resting doesn't improve your situation so you have some income.
Basically look at your options as resigning probably should be a last resort.
Your husband is obviously another matter.

At the minimum he needs to startsupport himself fully. If that means his start up dream is paused or shelved so be it
The cocklodger train terminates here.

Long covid is serious i work with someone who has it our work has v v generous policies and its still a struggle.

Bottom line: if he wont look after you or support (which he wont) you need to look after you.

Just a thought
If you separated or of he stayed could you consider a lodger or international student or something? Its tax free and easy money....?

This could help build a cushion

I don’t think giving up work is the solution. I have a colleague who didn’t work for over 2 years. It didn’t help. She financially had to return to work but has done this part time and this seems to give the balance and she’s doing better now.

I think you need to accept this is a chronic long term condition and you need to find a way of balancing life and work.

It's not that he's not supportive. He is massively so. But I think he feels I might be being too drastic and I will regret it.

Problem with Long Covid is your brain is muddled. Some days I think clearly but some days my head is full of clouds - it's hard to explain but like when you have flu and can't think straight.

Maybe he has a point and I need to explore more options as you suggest @noticeimnotreacting At the moment, I am finding it hard to see the wood for the trees.

I disagree, giving up work can help but may be longer than 6 months. I had ME and was off work for 2 years. I got better through removing all stress and working out what my fucked up immune system was over reacting too (weirdly onions, wheat and soya). Then worked out the max I could do before feeling tired and doing Less than that until I "tricked" my body into thinking it was safe to stop reacting and making me feel shite.
OP it's not up to dp it's up to you

Can’t you get signed off work for a bit?

What is the sick pay like with you current employer. Could you get signed off as sick, then make a decision based on how you feel towards the end of sick pay (if there is any)

I know at the moment you like to resign but I think that this would be a bad idea. I would get your work contract, pension details and your critical illness policy out and make an appointment with an employment solicitor. Tell your solicitor that you want their advice re leaving work for a while due to long COVID and you were thinking of resigning but you want to see between you work contract, pension and illness policy what the best thing to do in this situation from a financial point of view.
You may be better taking time off work due to illness and would probably have pay for a certain time period. You may have some lee way with accessing your pension early. Along with this the critical illness policy could pay out once they get a solicitors letter pointing out what is said in the policy.
Also if you were out sick from work for a while and their have been layoffs in your industry your current employer might want to cut staff. They might off you a redundancy package to leave. This could be worth a lot to you but only if you don't resign now.

I know that this might cost you say a few hundred pounds but it could be the best money you spend.

I would not tell your partner that your doing this either. To be honest he is a cock lodger.
He is living in your house. Your paying far more towards the bills due to your salary. Meanwhile your boyfriend is self employed. He now wants to borrow money to expand his business and expects you to keep working. He told you check the illness policy but you know that for you working at the moment is physical hard.

The reality with long COVID is that effects people differently. I have heard that people with it feel very tired, have no energy and have to pace themselves to do a few daily tasks
It not your job to keep working so he can expand his business. At this stage you need to take time off work for your health and so you don't end up with worse health.

I would also consider getting a lodger as the rent money could help you out financially.
I would also be thinking do you still want to be with him after what he said to you about giving up your job. It seems he is more worried about expanding his business and keeping his current lifestyle than your health.

I think giving up work should be a last resort. Does your company pay sick pay ? can you look at getting signed off ?

Is working part time an option?
Do you work from home at all? Could you do that more?

I have a condition that means pacing and rest is critical and I have just changed my job to drop back a couple of steps on the career ladder so I can have a more sustainable role.

I've since chatted to quite a few other people who have done the same, because of long COVID or similar. After tax the pay drop doesn't feel too dramatic anyway.

Does your partner do nearly everything at home/do you pay for a cleaner and other practical help? I know that me working means we can pay for these things, and DH does everything else in the house to enable me to save my energy for working and also it is really important to him that I have some energy left to do things I enjoy. Does your partner make sure you have some quality of life by picking up the bulk of household chores?

I’m assuming you’ve already done this OP, but can you talk to your work and see if there can be adjustments made or you can reduce your hours? Maybe a leave of absence? Is there a lower level job you could take on instead?

Anyway I’d check your pension options carefully as if you do give up work it’s possible you won’t get back in again.

Is there a possibility of some kind of sabbatical? Do your job remains and you’re still in your pension but free of the stress for a while. Gives you an opportunity to see if this helps your condition

I’ve sent you a message @HowLoud . I agree with what others are saying. You will be feeling desperate to leave and obviously need more rest and recovery time but work can be hard to get back into and I think considering all the options at this point will be worthwhile later down the line. Husband is another thing altogether but right now you need to think only for yourself and how you can best navigate this shitty time.

For what it’s worth I had long Covid for 3 years, been recovered for 1 year now. It was by far the hardest time of my life but there’s hope. People ARE recovering. I work with them every day. Don’t give up.

There are a lot of other options in between working full time and not working at all.

Consider:

Part time in your current job
Sick leave
Changing to a less physically or mentally stressful job (either full or part time)

If you take dp out of the equation could you afford to have a sabbatical for a year?

@popsickle555 what kind of thing do you think led to your recovery?

Do you have occupational health at work? I'd suggest asking for an OH referral so you can speak to a dr about the impact your health is having on your ability to work. They may well recommend to your employer that they allow you to work part time for a period or take some (unpaid) leave.

OP, I developed ME/CFS 7 years ago and got very very close to giving up my job about 2 years in. I was also the breadwinner. Everything just felt impossible, absolutely all my energy went into surviving at work and I wasn't able to spend any time with my husband and kids. What helped me was working at home full time, which enabled several rest periods a day and taking time off sick when needed - sometimes for weeks at a time. I was off sick for 5 months when I first got ill and it took several months of phased return before I was able to work full time.
I do think that persevering at work actually helped me in the long term - I think if I had quit I would literally have spent all day every day in bed and I think I would have gone downhill mentally and physically.
As others have mentioned, is sick leave not an option? Or homeworking? Or part time?

Have you considered that some of the symptoms may be related to menopause?

I caught covid 2022, had long covid that became a real problem at work to the point I was removed from most duties, struggled until April 2023 when I was signed off for 6 months. It was an incredibly slow recovery and I went back sooner than I should have, on a 3 month phased return because sick pay ran out. I'm still struggling but we can't afford me not to work as my husband is self employed and doesn't earn half of what I do (separate issue).
I spent the first 6 week with a black cloud over my eyes and napping 3-6hours a day, I did no more than 600 steps, then gradually started building up slowly. 10% a week extra, and dropping back each time i felt worse. I was still napping two hours a day when I started going back to work 1 hour twice a week, and I increased my work each week by 2 hours until I hit my full time hours. It's not a quick fix and I'm still not recovered, but the black fog is gone , just just crap at my job with a 30 second memory and the attention span of a gnat. Sadly I can't see me improving from here.

I have found antihistamines help with the fatigue , but it doesn't fix it, and my edges are still a bit fuzzy. I'm better when I do relaxation techniques and cold water swimming but being at work means I don't have the energy to do that and work. So work suffers as I can't afford not to.

Thanks all - I hadn't thought of checking my pension

My problem with work is I haven't been there 2 years (so no unfair dismissal) and I'm meant to travel with my job. I suspect too much complaining and I will just be out. I went through the process of trying to get another job and got an offer but chickened out of it as I suddenly got terrified of taking a new role. Sort of better the devil you know. I can WFH a fair amount but there are important meetings I have to go in for. At the moment I can just about manage 2 days a week in the office but would ideally do one. My team do 4. Work are not being too bad about it all but I think they just don't understand (nor do most people tbh). It is hard to explain.

I do feel desperate! I'm on HRT and it's made no difference unfortunately but I will stay on it as I don't want to rock the boat by changing too many things.

Thanks all though - I will check my messages. I think it's given me food for thought. I will drag myself through the next few weeks till my week off then contemplate what to do.

HowLoud,
I think you have to keep your thoughts to yourself for a while (Partnerwise, that is. Ask outside for as much advice as you can get) Work out your best plan without any veto from him.

Take him out of the equasion - after 5 years of him being mostly supported financially he won't want his gravy train to end.

He is not going to step up and support you, and it's not a good idea to let him get any financial claim on your house.

The chips are down, he has shown his true colours.
You have to work out your route.
No permission is required from him.