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Original poster

Really worried about family member's Covid-focused anxiety/agoraphobia

47 replies

teelizzy · 20/09/2022 19:47

That really. She lives in another country that non-citizens/permanent residents couldn't go to until early this year. Her first baby was born in May 2020 during her local city's biggest and scariest Covid surge but she lives in a nice house in a fairly remote rural location. She could have travelled to our home country last summer but didn't because she was too worried about the baby catching Covid. Nothing we said could calm her so the trip was abandoned.
Bottom line, she's had another baby in July 2022 and is still living in 2020-style lockdown. She insisted that her mum "quarantine" for 5 days before staying and house rules were no shopping (everything is delivered and sanitised) no in person socialising and her mum was asked not to leave the house. Neither her 2.5 yo DD1 or 3 month DS has been in contact with anyone other than DM, DF and one DGM since birth.

I'm visiting the nearby city next month and had said I'd love to visit making it clear that I have a car and will stay elsewhere.

She's sent a lovely but bonkers message saying they're "super distancing" so though they really miss us we can't visit them. Maybe next April when the younger child has had all his vaccinations

I'm so sad. I looked after this family member from when she was a baby, there's no dispute or rift, she's just terrified of Covid. With no good reason, no-one is anything like CEV and she isn't anti vaccination.

OP posts:
speakingofart · 21/09/2022 20:04

Honestly? My advice would be accept she won’t be part of your life for the foreseeable future. I tried with the super anxious people in my life, I really did and I eventually came to the realisation that they weren’t changing and I couldn’t damage my own mental health trying to convince people that they’re wasting life.

Small comfort, but some of them have found their way back and a few can even laugh at themselves, so there is hope!

MangyInseam · 22/09/2022 18:23

I don't know how close you are to her, but could you mention some of the problems that could come from kids not being exposed to other people, like hepatitis? Much more serious for a child than covid.

magma32 · 22/09/2022 18:30

Could it be possible that her Dh is isolating her by using covid as an excuse? Just cos I have seen this happen here where the Dh is fine to see his local family but any visitors not allowed ie his wife’s family and the dw stopped listening after a while as she realised what was happening but just a different angle based on what I’ve seen. Ofcourse it’s high likely she’s very worried about covid, that was me until about 6 months ago but I’ve managed to get over my anxiety.

StickywithSuncream · 22/09/2022 18:34

This sounds worrying, not least because of the impact of the social development on the children and also the development of their immune systems. In trying to protect them, she’s actually exposing them to a whole host of other risks that are actually greater for them.

Is she generally anxious, or has she suffered. a trauma? Does she or her partner recognise her fears are overblown?

I hate to say it, but if she wasn’t up for engaging in therapy to get over this I’d be thinking I need to report to social services. It’s harmful to the children Sad

Celticandco · 22/09/2022 18:40

Omg those poor children! That's just awful

legalseagull · 22/09/2022 18:43

She needs help. Those poor kids.

Gingerkittykat · 22/09/2022 23:09

Does her partner have the same attitude about Covid and the kids mixing with people?

Original poster
teelizzy · 23/09/2022 22:45

Thanks lovely people for responding.

We're close, she's my cousin, I looked after her when she was a baby and lived with her on and off in later childhood.

Her partner is on the level and supportive. I suspect no idea how to navigate his way out of this.

My latest thought is to say: well I've always wanted to see x where you happen to live, DD and I have both had Covid and are vaxxed, happy to take LFTs we could see you for an outdoor meet, socially distant

It is total overkill, I know

Yes, everyone in that household needs interaction. and no it's not good for the baby or toddler.

OP posts:
DragonMaster · 24/09/2022 09:23

It sounds like COVID has really triggered something for her.

I think your latest message sounds good and I would give that a go. If she does accept I would be really respectful of her boundaries and worries. With baby steps and genuine understanding support along with some
gentle challenge from caring wider family like you maybe she can open up again.

Mariposista · 24/09/2022 22:45

You must be so so sad. You are grieving for someone who is not dead. But sadly you have lost her. She won’t change.
Those poor poor children. Getting pregnant again when she clearly needs psychological help to allow her existing kid to have something resembling a normal life is unacceptable IMO. Don’t pander. No LFT, no quarantining. She is in the wrong here, not you.

ThisisMax · 24/09/2022 23:09

I would not make any bones about saying that you think she is unwell and not parenting her kids, she has denied them so many experiences and socialisation that they should have had by now. So yeah Id walk right over what she thinks about covid blah blah and tell her you are reporting to social services. Appalling, her poor kids. Why is everyone making allowances for her frankly nutty take on life? Just wade it. Fuck LFT's etc- you are being played. Just tell her straight up.

CuriousMama · 24/09/2022 23:15

ThisisMax · 24/09/2022 23:09

I would not make any bones about saying that you think she is unwell and not parenting her kids, she has denied them so many experiences and socialisation that they should have had by now. So yeah Id walk right over what she thinks about covid blah blah and tell her you are reporting to social services. Appalling, her poor kids. Why is everyone making allowances for her frankly nutty take on life? Just wade it. Fuck LFT's etc- you are being played. Just tell her straight up.

This ^

CatLadyDrinksGin · 24/09/2022 23:20

Is she in the uk or if not is there an equivalent to a health visitor you could notify?

Mariposista · 24/09/2022 23:27

ThisisMax · 24/09/2022 23:09

I would not make any bones about saying that you think she is unwell and not parenting her kids, she has denied them so many experiences and socialisation that they should have had by now. So yeah Id walk right over what she thinks about covid blah blah and tell her you are reporting to social services. Appalling, her poor kids. Why is everyone making allowances for her frankly nutty take on life? Just wade it. Fuck LFT's etc- you are being played. Just tell her straight up.

Agree. That marriage won’t last long - no right minded man would put up with this behaviour and she is in no fit state to be caring for two young children alone. By offering to do the tests and meet outside (kind as you are trying to be) you are feeding her illness.

1994girl · 24/09/2022 23:29

Needs to get a grip

ThisisMax · 24/09/2022 23:30

Mariposista · 24/09/2022 23:27

Agree. That marriage won’t last long - no right minded man would put up with this behaviour and she is in no fit state to be caring for two young children alone. By offering to do the tests and meet outside (kind as you are trying to be) you are feeding her illness.

Show quote history

Agreed. Its like saying that you will meet an alcoholic for a few drinks to talk about their drinking. Mad stuff, stop facilitating her madness and step up for those kids.

HandbagAtDawn · 24/09/2022 23:35

Are you seriously saying that her two year old has only ever seen four people in their entire life? They don't even realise other people exist? I can't imagine how that's stunted their socialisation and development. It's actually dreadfully abusive and deeply concerning. Your cousin is very unwell and is passively abusing her children. It's a major safeguarding issue and I would treat it as such. Stop pussyfooting around her mental illness and deal with the situation for the sake of those children.

TinaYouFatLard · 25/09/2022 08:27

Those children are being neglected. It is appalling.

blondieminx · 25/09/2022 08:41

Some of the replies here are staggering.

the OP’s cousin is protecting her unvaxxed kids. She might be less “anxious” if her babies had some level of protection. Kids are, sadly, dying of the latest variants and public health messaging has been appalling.

I think noting you’ve already had it, are vaxxed, will take LFT’s and meet outside would be a good suggestion so your cousin can see you understand her concerns and would like to see her safely.

data on deaths is covered by the Office for National Statistics Deaths data - if anyone even thinks about saying “they had underlying health” take a long hard think about your ableism and how any parents bereaved by covid would feel?

TinaYouFatLard · 25/09/2022 09:12

Brainwashed.

ThisisMax · 25/09/2022 09:50

blondieminx · 25/09/2022 08:41

Some of the replies here are staggering.

the OP’s cousin is protecting her unvaxxed kids. She might be less “anxious” if her babies had some level of protection. Kids are, sadly, dying of the latest variants and public health messaging has been appalling.

I think noting you’ve already had it, are vaxxed, will take LFT’s and meet outside would be a good suggestion so your cousin can see you understand her concerns and would like to see her safely.

data on deaths is covered by the Office for National Statistics Deaths data - if anyone even thinks about saying “they had underlying health” take a long hard think about your ableism and how any parents bereaved by covid would feel?

This is the only reply thats staggering. The risk for unvaxxed kids is absolutely tiny. Are you saying she should just tip along doing what shes doing? Those kids have no life, no socialisation, no playdates, what happens when school starts? Homeschool? Its abusive to do this to avoid a tiny, tiny risk. Going along with the mother and doing LFT's etc is just compounding the issue. Id report to social services and get mother to go to a psychologist.

RosaMoline · 25/09/2022 10:11

i haven’t heard anything about kids dying of the latest variants. Link please?

TheKeatingFive · 25/09/2022 10:17

Gosh this is appalling, those poor children. OP is there an equivalent of SS you could be getting in touch with, this family needs help.

TheKeatingFive · 25/09/2022 10:24

if anyone even thinks about saying “they had underlying health” take a long hard think about your ableism and how any parents bereaved by covid would feel?

What a ridiculous position, of course the existence of underlying health issues is an important consideration when risk assessing the situation for children who have no underlying health issues.

These children have needs, that go beyond being kept 'safe' from an illness that has a minuscule chance of doing them significant harm. These needs aren't being met, therefore I would outside authorities.

TheKeatingFive · 25/09/2022 10:30

Involve the authorities