Anyone else’s elderly parents still really stressed and anxious about the prospect of getting covid?

[Kizty]

Not even that elderly but early 70s and to be honest still not liking getting too close to people they don’t know when outdoors. Their level of anxiety is still quite high and it’s sad they can’t enjoy their retirement a bit more. Not really sure how they will cope once the new lifting off all restrictions takes place.

If this person actually exists, when you say "he's the type" are you making a generalisation about him? Has he ever said anything like this? And how would you know his personal medical details? I'm always curious when posters mention things like this. I only know these types of details about my DH and perhaps my closest family. That's it.

Thank you for that. I often wonder too and worry it could be my family saying things like that about me. When it's not true.

My world was already small before covid. I don't talk about my health much because I know other people get sick of hearing me say no to activities I can't do, my family know my condition, but still get pissed off with me when I can't go places they want me to and it's even worse now because they seem to think my chronic health issue must lift with covid restrictions, or they say I must have health anxiety, I know for a fact they've said similar about me wanting everything to close and that I want everyone to miserable like me, because one sent it to the wrong chat.

I wasn't in busy pubs in the middle of winter before Covid, I am not starting now, that does not mean I expect others not to or that I want them to close forever, I don't, I'm happy for other people, I just can't join them and its because I'm following the advice of my consultant, reducing risks of picking up any infection, and ending back in hospital. My medical advice is the same as it was five years ago. It hasn't suddenly changed:

The only thing that makes me anxious about restrictions lifting, is having shitty comments like that made about me when I can do what they want me to because I'm sick.

My parents don't care and have never cared - in fact, my mum should probably care more as she does have a slight medical issue which could make Covid worse for her! But it's her decision how she approaches that.

My parents in law are still fairly cautious and I do think it's a shame, particularly as MiL is very sociable and is clearly really missing her wider social circle. They're not super cautious, for instance they're happy to see their grandchildren, even the ones of school age, but they are choosing not to do things I know they used to really enjoy. Both triple jabbed and I do wonder when they'll feel happy to go back to normal life. Again, their decision of course.

I would say I agree that the oldest generation care less than those in their 60s in general. My gran has dementia so can't process the situation, but all the others of that generation in my family are doing whatever they're allowed to, and have been all along.

Their posts are fairly scathing and condescending towards to the elderly - actually, your post before this one seemed less benevolent.

Actually, I don't see any generalizations about "the elderly" at all. In fact, the whole thread basically consists of people talking about extreme variation and contrasts among all the older people they know.

I think it's reasonable for people to be concerned about the serious mental and physical fallout that is likely to come from older people becoming very isolated and housebound for years on end.

My dad (CEV and carer for my mum) was upset on Skype last night that his favourite coffee shop has removed the perspex screens in front of the counter.

They have been doing well in going out to certain selected places with space, good Covid procedures etc in which he felt, if not safe, at least that some life and interactions could resume.

I am worried that the removal of restrictions will force them back home again, or at least reduce drastically their options for going out. I am willing the spring to hurry up, with the option of sitting outside.

My mum is convinced that covid will mean certain death for her. But is making an effort to get out the house more. At least until all restrictions are lifted. That might be a bit of a set back.

But she's suffered a lot from the knock on effects of more 'routine' medical care being delayed.

I will only be able to visit my parents if my family test although we are phasing out testing generally. One rule for one and one rule for another though as their household includes a family member who commutes to the city and doesn’t test everyday but for us living further away we need to test to visit them. I worry that they won’t gradually adapt at all.

My parents aren’t worried. They both worked through most of lockdown which I think helped. My dad works in a place where nobody else cares either (about this or anything else health and safety wise) and got covid from work, and still wasn’t fussed.

My MIL though has gone back and forth on how scared she felt, and has now got to a point where she’s not that worried about covid itself but is more scared in general about going out, socialising, going anywhere different or trying anything new. Not because of the covid risk specifically but because lockdown shrunk her world and now anything outside that very small comfort zone feels strange and scary (that’s the way she described it herself). It’s like the covid fear just diffused itself into the rest of her life.

It worries me a lot. She used to have a very busy social life and be out and about all the time, and now she sees her kids and grandkids and goes out to buy a paper once a week and that’s it. She seems much more nervy and anxious and stressed in general and it can’t be good for her, but there’s not much we can do.

My parents are both effectively locking themselves away forever in the sense of seeing people indoors. They’re both mid/late 70s.

They do go out for walks together, and my father will fill the car up with petrol, or go for a newspaper. They’ll attend hospital appointments, although my mother refused to go with my father to his cardio appt a couple of weeks ago because she was frightened that she’d catch covid. My mother won’t go to the dentist any more.

But they won’t see family or friends. At all, ever. Most of their friends have drifted away, stopped bothering with them.

They’ve also now got a grandchild they’ve never met. Almost two.

They won’t travel, and won’t let anyone come over to their house. Go to a restaurant? You might as well suggest they jump out of a plane without a parachute.

I have only seen them once, on Zoom, in two years. (Mum’s not good with technology so most of the time it’s just phone calls.)

I don’t know what to do. I can’t force them to relax or to do stuff they’re not happy about. But I can see them diminishing as people and just sort of fading away, intentionally.

What hasn't been mentioned here is that many social things for retired people haven't happened since covid started. A few have had zoom meetings and other things have just stopped. This makes it harder to socialise even if older people want to.

That’s very sad nightmareslashdelightful . Like you say you can’t really force them to do things they aren’t comfortable with. I think with my parents they will do things that are absolutely necessary. With everything else, they will weigh up the risks and generally think that the risk isn’t worth taking so they just don’t do it.

@RebeccaManderley

What hasn't been mentioned here is that many social things for retired people haven't happened since covid started. A few have had zoom meetings and other things have just stopped. This makes it harder to socialise even if older people want to.

Yes, this is very true. My parents had quite a lot of activities and clubs that they did before the pandemic, 99% of which still haven’t restarted.

Because a lot of the attendees and organisers of these particular clubs are all of a similar age, there’s been a kind of collective unwillingness to restart things. It’s that Terry Pratchett ‘crab bucket’ thing — if one person suggests they start up again a majority say they’d rather not, and so it doesn’t happen.

Which I totally get, at one level — some of them have had covid and although for most it was mild, there have also been a handful of horror stories.

I guess all we can do is keep reaching out and trying.

@RebeccaManderley

What hasn't been mentioned here is that many social things for retired people haven't happened since covid started. A few have had zoom meetings and other things have just stopped. This makes it harder to socialise even if older people want to.

Yes this is very true. Dad has dementia and was only diagnosed in Feb 2020. They were just starting to look into support/groups locally when Covid hit. Pre-Covid the local Alzheimers centre had regular groups and social events - coffee mornings, sporting memory groups, all sorts of stuff.

It's still ALL online. My dad struggles with phones and pads and stuff, he can't understand someone is talking to him live, he thinks it's a recording. So hopeless. We have been in touch and the centre is "hoping" to resume "limited service" in late 2022.

Yes my dad is he's 81 and worried sick but he's amazed me at how he's picked up with the internet

@RebeccaManderley

What hasn't been mentioned here is that many social things for retired people haven't happened since covid started. A few have had zoom meetings and other things have just stopped. This makes it harder to socialise even if older people want to.

Yes exactly. For those who have partners and family nearby the impact is lessened. For those who live alone , have recently moved area or don’t have a big social network it’s incredibly isolating.

I think it's reasonable for people to be concerned about the serious mental and physical fallout that is likely to come from older people becoming very isolated and housebound for years on end.

Sums it up perfectly for me. My mum is struggling coping with my dad's memory loss with zero opportunity to connect with other people in the same situation.

Inlaws' world has shrunk to their house and garden. Because they perceive it as too dangerous to go anywhere. That's not living, is it? It's existing. Last September DH suggested to his mum that they take a (10 minute) drive to the coast and get an ice cream. Immediately shot down in flames, too dangerous, non-essential travel, might be a queue in the shop, someone might have sat on the bench before them and left Covid, there might not be sanitiser... on and on and on. They are both 76 this year and I don't think they will ever return to anything like the life they were living in 2019 which wasn't going out clubbing each night to be fair. But they were happy to go for a pub lunch or take a trip to the ice cream shop on a sunny afternoon.

@NightmareSlashDelightful

My parents are both effectively locking themselves away forever in the sense of seeing people indoors. They’re both mid/late 70s.

They do go out for walks together, and my father will fill the car up with petrol, or go for a newspaper. They’ll attend hospital appointments, although my mother refused to go with my father to his cardio appt a couple of weeks ago because she was frightened that she’d catch covid. My mother won’t go to the dentist any more.

But they won’t see family or friends. At all, ever. Most of their friends have drifted away, stopped bothering with them.

They’ve also now got a grandchild they’ve never met. Almost two.

They won’t travel, and won’t let anyone come over to their house. Go to a restaurant? You might as well suggest they jump out of a plane without a parachute.

I have only seen them once, on Zoom, in two years. (Mum’s not good with technology so most of the time it’s just phone calls.)

I don’t know what to do. I can’t force them to relax or to do stuff they’re not happy about. But I can see them diminishing as people and just sort of fading away, intentionally.

This is just awful, and sadly not that uncommon.

Mid to late sixties - we looked after our grandchild as soon as we were able to do the bubble thing. So obviously were very pragmatic. Other people our age we know have been very cautious, Whereas a much older friend just lives her life as normally as possible. We were all taken in by the Government propaganda to some extent - but it was very scary at first with Johnson talking about losing people you love.

Maybe a vaccine that is more effective and long lasting will eventually come to help their fears a bit

Total opposite - my mum was really blasé about the whole thing, even though she’s over 80 and has various health conditions. She just caught Covid after Christmas and was surprised how sick it made her despite triple vaccination. She thought she’d not get it and if she did it’d be a couple of days of cold symptoms rather than a hefty viral infection that’s made her feel utterly exhausted for weeks

My parents are similar. No underlying health issues at all. I'm CEV and not worried about it at all.

Sometimes getting them to open up is as difficult.

My dad is of that age/generation where he’d more readily confess to secretly being Margarita Pracatan than admit to being lonely. And my mother thinks loneliness is a personal failing that a person can just busy-busy their way out of.

So when they struggle to acknowledge that there’s a problem, and won’t talk about it even when they do, it’s virtually impossible to get anywhere.

@Kizty

Maybe a vaccine that is more effective and long lasting will eventually come to help their fears a bit

I think for some people nothing will ever be 'good enough' for them to get over their fears. There will always be a 'yes, but ...'

I've encountered people such as @BogRollBOGOF describes. Yes, they do exist whether you accept that or not. And like her, I object to them wishing to impose on others the restrictions they would like because they don't involve facilities they want to use.

OTOH, I've just opened my email to find a long string from a group aged between late fifties and early 90s describing what they've been doing lately. I know that some of them would be described as CEV, but every one has been out and about, cruising, driving a camper van round Europe, flying here and there, spending time with grandchildren, going to theatres and cinemas. Living life to the full, requiring no restrictions on others, and making no complaints about how others are behaving.

I don’t speak to my parents but my in laws
My fil was terrified of catching it so didn’t go out for a year-then he died of cancer
My mil is a bit more hung ho but she’s still frightened of it
She seems to go out for short bursts and then worries afterwards
We have to wash our hands outside and change our clothes to make her happy

I think it’s the communication about the vaccine that is also the problem. Antibodies may wane but there is evidence that t-cells remain for many for at least 6 months and there is still protection against serious illness. For those that mount an immune response I know not everyone does.

The vulnerable and elderly will probably need an annual booster. But I think the communication about vaccines wearing off after 10 weeks wasn’t helpful.

I do think there are more vaccines in the pipeline which cover the other variants too. We are still using vaccines for the original wild Covid. They need to be tweaked and updated now.

Does anyone remember the adverts the government were putting on the TV? They were designed to scare people. It's no surprise that people would take notice and remain scared.

This is what happens when a government puts the fear of God into people, then wipes their hands of the situation and pretends it's all over.