Dad's receiving end of life care right now

[HappySonHappyMum]

Waiting for the call to say he's passed on. Was lucky enough to be able to visit briefly and say my goodbyes yesterday but I am raging inside. He had followed the example of his narc wife who believed she shouldn't have the jab because she has 'allergies'. So they are both unvaccinated. And he's paid the price. She's been quite happy for him to be pumped full of drugs with unknown contents to try and save him. I'm just furious, so so angry.

I'm so sorry for your imminent loss, especially when it seems so avoidable

So sorry. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon ♡♡♡
💐

You must be exhausted, it’s so hard bearing witness to events beyond your control.

I’d be angry too, and there is some relief in not bottling your emotions but please don’t let yourself become another casualty of the situation by expending too much energy on anger. What’s done is done and you can only move forward.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you can find the strength to get through this awful time

@Cornettoninja I haven't been 'allowed' to bear witness to it because of my stepmother. I only found out Dad was even in hospital yesterday when her son asked if she had contacted me and insisted on letting me know. She 'couldn't find my number or work out where Dad's phone was' to call me. It was in the pocket of his jacket sitting next to her. If she'd called on Friday I could have spoken to him as he was still conscious - instead I was only contacted once he was placed on end of life care. It's a long story - I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her cruelty.

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for you.

If she doesn't want it, that's up to her but these people that persuade others who ae vulnerable to follow their lead. Awful woman.

I am so sorry op

You must be raging. I would be too.

What a nasty bitch she is

It is cruel and I agree that she isn’t deserving of your forgiveness.

I'm a terrible person. I should be sitting with my Dad while he's still here but I can't. I just can't face having to sit in that room with her listening to her wailing and talking about how she's going to cope when he's gone. I can't talk to him about anything in front of her. I asked her for a few minutes alone with him yesterday which she gave me but she was straight back in. I just can't do it but I feel bad because I'm leaving the distress of watching him die to her and I'm not there for him even though I haven't seen him before yesterday for about 10 years - their choice not mine. I just feel awful - angry but sad - it's all so confusing.

You are not a terrible person at all.

This is an awful situation. And I am so very sorry. I'm afraid I don't think I could forgive her. At least her son did the right thing.

I am thinking of you

You are not a bad person
It sounds like a very difficult back story.
Can you go in tonight again and ask her to give you some time alone... Tell him whatever you need then, I'm presuming it is something conciliatory, how much you do love him etc.
Even if he appears unresponsive he may be able to hear you and you'll feel better having told him..

@HappySonHappyMum I have some idea of how tough things are for you. I had to sit in a room with my Father while he was dying with my sister who I’m no contact with, it was hard as I felt such anger towards her whilst my heart was breaking for our Dad. If you feel up to going again tonight, even for a few minutes to see your Father again I hope you are allowed some precious time alone with him. Thinking of you

I did tell him I loved him yesterday and that I wished he'd not chosen his wife and her family over his old one as I'd missed him. I told him what his grandkids were doing and how he would be proud of them. I managed to say these things while she was out of the room. She was going on about how good he was with her grandchildren and how they were going to miss him - without a thought for my kids who missed out on him or me. I didn't speak to her directly and directed any conversation through her son. I know if I started to say stuff to her I probably would lose the self control I have had so far - and that wouldn't be good. I'd become the 'difficult daughter' that she always told him I was. It could take days for him to die - I don't want him to suffer anymore. I didn't realise it could take so long it's been over 24 hours now, I thought he'd slip away quite quickly.

@HappySonHappyMum I'm so sorry op
My mother died last year before the Covid storm but just a week after I'd had my baby so my head was already a mess when her partner turned up at my door to say she was dying
I was also nc
I managed to see her for a short while
Then when I got home the hospital rang me and said she was failing but I said I'd said all I needed to say and wouldn't be going back
I know it's totally different but she also could have prolonged her life (massive cigarette and alcohol addiction)
You got to say goodbye and find peace in that it's all you could do

I'm so sorry op.
You are not a terrible person. Goodness me, I think we'd all feel the same!
Thinking of you.

Thank you to everyone who has commented. It helps to be able to type my feelings out. I didn't sleep well last night as I was having imaginary conversations with myself all night long. I really thought I'd got over being abandoned 15 years ago. I'm 47. I'm not a child, I should be able to cope with this.

@HappySonHappyMum

Thank you to everyone who has commented. It helps to be able to type my feelings out. I didn't sleep well last night as I was having imaginary conversations with myself all night long. I really thought I'd got over being abandoned 15 years ago. I'm 47. I'm not a child, I should be able to cope with this.

(((HUG))))

I'm so very sorry for everything. It's so sad your Dad chose her & her family, it's heartbreaking for you & your kids.

They say it's harder when a parent dies if you haven't had a good relationship with them (and NC for 15 years fits into that, even if it was good before that) because of the unresolved issues & no longer having the opportunity to sort things out.

It's natural to feel a great loss, even at 47, there's no age at which losing a parent isn't heartbreaking. You're still Daddy's little girl inside.

IF you want to go & see him, ring up the ward and see what they'll do for you to get her out for a longer period of time, so you can sit with him by yourself. Some are more willing to help than others.

Big hugs, it's very very hard anyway, without 'a horrible wife' involved xx

Not sleeping again tonight. I reread the letter she wrote to me four years ago. She enclosed a copy of his Will which writes me out of it and urges me to contact him as this might change the outcome. The addendum contained his life story from his point of view and was pretty awful to receive. I think she thought the withdrawal of any money I might have received when he died would get me to contact him. Thing is though that I never wanted his money, I only ever wanted his time. And now there's none left. I didn't acknowledge the letter, she said she had sent it to me without his knowledge. I'm sure she'd have then told him that I'd only come back for the money and then told him about the letter If I had. It was a no win situation. I'm such a terrible daughter to have allowed her to control him and my actions by her manipulation aren't I.

No, you're not a bad daughter. Your dad started a 'new' family, that was his decision, and it was his responsibility to maintain a relationship with you. Writing you out of his will is awful, really painful. It totally, totally stinks

My heart goes out to you. This is very sad

He said that I'd poisoned his grandchildren against him in the letter but my son was 5 and my daughter 18 months when he stopped contact with us all. I actually told them that he'd moved to Scotland for work and wouldn't be able to visit them anymore. In fact they came to see him at the hospital on Monday as they wanted to meet him as they're now adults. I've never bad mouthed him although as they got older they have questioned why they don't see him and his lack of contact has led them to form their own opinions of him. It hasn't been easy especially as my stepmother is actually my mothers school friend that he left my Mum for. I actually called her my Auntie as a child. I found out they'd been married for 10 years on Monday - I didn't know.

I’m so sorry, OP, what an awful time you’re going through. Do you have some RL support?

Oh goodness, my heart breaks for you.

No advise I'm afraid, I'm sure many of us would feel the same, and have been/will be in the same situation some day.

Sending healing hugs xxx

Thanks for the support - I do have RL support, my DH and DCs are great but they don't really understand the dynamics as they didn't experience how it was when I was a child, they only understand what they've seen if you see what I mean. My Dad is still holding on - I feel stuck not being able to deal with anything in my head while I wait for him to die. I still want a peaceful death for him but by not being there with him I feel like they'll all judge me. When I reread the letter she sent about the Will she finished by saying 'I was always such a nice little girl when I was younger' - suggesting that I'm not now. They're going to think that they're justified in believing I'm horrible aren't they.

I am so sorry, lovely.