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Original poster

Dad's receiving end of life care right now

47 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 11/01/2022 13:13

Waiting for the call to say he's passed on. Was lucky enough to be able to visit briefly and say my goodbyes yesterday but I am raging inside. He had followed the example of his narc wife who believed she shouldn't have the jab because she has 'allergies'. So they are both unvaccinated. And he's paid the price. She's been quite happy for him to be pumped full of drugs with unknown contents to try and save him. I'm just furious, so so angry.

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Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 14/01/2022 08:18

Starting to feel calmer about it all now after the initial shock. Dad still hasn't passed yet though. He's been on end of life care for five days now. Get your jabs though people - I wouldn't wish this death on anyone Sad

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Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 21/02/2022 07:25

So the funeral is on tommorow - five and a half weeks after Dad finally passed away. Not going to lie my anxiety about it all is through the roof. I've spoke to a couple of relatives and they were astonished when I asked if Dad was married because they were told that we were invited and refused to attend. It turns out that my entire family on my Dad's side have been told a pack of lies about me by him. And they're all going to be there on Tuesday. It's going to be awful. Most of them will think I'm a bloody awful daughter and won't know the actual truth which is that he cut us out of his life and told everyone it was me to save face. On top of that Mum is insisting on coming as she wants to 'have a look' - she thinks I should be long over it all as he treated us so badly. But he's still my Dad and I just don't feel like that.

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SusanRandom · 21/02/2022 08:45

@HappySonHappyMum

So the funeral is on tommorow - five and a half weeks after Dad finally passed away. Not going to lie my anxiety about it all is through the roof. I've spoke to a couple of relatives and they were astonished when I asked if Dad was married because they were told that we were invited and refused to attend. It turns out that my entire family on my Dad's side have been told a pack of lies about me by him. And they're all going to be there on Tuesday. It's going to be awful. Most of them will think I'm a bloody awful daughter and won't know the actual truth which is that he cut us out of his life and told everyone it was me to save face. On top of that Mum is insisting on coming as she wants to 'have a look' - she thinks I should be long over it all as he treated us so badly. But he's still my Dad and I just don't feel like that.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like a really awful situation to say the least.

Try to focus on your own reasons for attending the funeral though. Remember that at the end of the day, it's for your own peace of mind and healing. What the others think of you and the situation that led to your estrangement, as hurtful as it might be, is clearly wrong and misinformed. It's a shame your mum wants to attend for 'a look' - I'm sure that's adding to your anxiety. It will undoubtedly be a really tough day for you and my heart goes out to you. Sending a huge hug and strength for the days ahead.

When my dad died, even though we had a good relationship, it brought some skeletons out of the closet. We were all aware of the issue (another woman involved), but not the extent and that it was ongoing right up to his death. I also had to deal with a lot of confusing feelings alongside my grief, so I know that what you're going through is probably 100 times more intense. Please take care of yourself, attend for your own reasons and healing, and try not to get drawn into any drama by others.

All the best xx

Mindymomo · 21/02/2022 09:24

So sorry for your loss. Go to the funeral for yourself, you don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks. Take care.

heldinadream · 21/02/2022 09:34

Oh HappySonHappyMum my condolences. What a mess. I'm so sorry for your loss and your grief. Flowers
The funeral will pass. Do you then have to have any continued contact with any of them?
Breathe deeply. You know what is true.

PermanentTemporary · 21/02/2022 09:42

Ah I'm so sorry. You have been losing your Dad for so many years, what a lot of pain you have been through.

I think if I were you I would think of a neutral response to upsetting comments - something like 'well.. things look different from different angles' which is almost meaningless but implies that the person doesn't know everything about what happened. Also perhaps take something that reminds you of your dad or another happy to hold - a small photo album or a book - because the chances are there will be things in the ceremony that upset you and it means you have something you can attend to in your hands.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 21/02/2022 10:10

Thanks for your kind comments - I can't wait for it to be over. The last thing I want is for their to be any confrontation on the day and I'm anxious about that. I think they are having a wake afterwards at their home but we haven't been invited. I haven't been invited to any events that have happened on my Dads side for years - at least I know why now I suppose. I doubt there'll be any more contact with any of them so I'll just have to live with the fact that they're always going to think badly of me.

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PermanentTemporary · 21/02/2022 10:13

I would contact Cruse about bereavement therapy - maybe via your GP, someone else may be providing it in your area. Complex losses can hit really hard.

TheUsualShitshow · 21/02/2022 10:31

Do you feel like you need to go? It sounds like a recipe for making you feel worse. Maybe you could find your own quiet way of saying goodbye?

SusanRandom · 21/02/2022 10:37

You may be able to mend some fences and reconnect with your dad's side one day, but tomorrow isn't that day. Use the service to say your goodbyes and remember your Dad, and do your best to rise above anything hurtful.

I agree with @PermanentTemporary about coming up with a neutral response to any comments, something that shuts down any further retort but also implies you're not at fault. Also that bereavement therapy is a good idea.

Take care of yourself lovely! And let us know how things go tomorrow if you feel up to it.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 21/02/2022 18:42

Just had another message from a relative asking us if we are going to the wake afterwards. Turns out I haven't been invited to my own fathers wake. Starting to feel angry now and if I still feel this way tomorrow I might just turn up at the wake anyway and see what happens Angry

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heldinadream · 22/02/2022 09:47

Thinking of you for today OP. I hope you manage it all in a way that you're at least comfortable with.
I'm not sure I'd put myself through the ordeal of attending the wake if I were you. Especially if you think there might be conflict.
But good luck. Flowers

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 24/02/2022 12:48

Well it's been a couple of days now and I'm still getting over it to be honest. My Dad's wife wrote the eulogy her exact words in it were that Dad 'made the mistake of marrying his first wife and unfortunately endured a terribly unhappy marriage which he didn’t feel able to leave until his children were adults'. She made it seem that those 30 years were part of his life he wished and had never happened and by extension he felt the same way about us too. She didn't mention our names or refer to his two grandchildren (my DCs) who were also sitting listening to it. She then proceeded to tell everyone how invested he was in in her grandchildren (who weren’t there) and how much time he spent with them, on them and for them. There were gasps as my Dad's family knew we were listening, her estranged son came over to us at the end to apologise for her. Nobody cried, there were no swapping stories of Dad, just comments on the cruelty of her words. I feel really angry that she would treat us that way especially as she knew we would be there. I also feel that there's nothing I can do now. I've spent the last couple of nights awake going over what I would say in reply if I could but I really want to break this cycle as it's not at all helpful. I didn't go to the wake. We just went home aftwerwards. It was horrible. Why couldn't she have just found some kindness?

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SusanRandom · 24/02/2022 13:08

Sending you a big hug OP. She doesn't sound like she has an ounce of kindness in her body to be honest. It sounds like others in the family were disapproving of her behaviour so at least there is that. Other than that, I would not give her the satisfaction of feeling anything about her at all. She sounds truly vile. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I really hope you can find some peace about it in time. All the best x

PermanentTemporary · 24/02/2022 13:11

That's - absolutely terrible. I'm so sorry. What an unbelievably nasty thing to do.

Nothing to be done but just let time do its job. I hope that you can find kindness in other places to help the process.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 25/07/2022 10:54

Sorry to drag up this old thread but it's my DDs birthday today. My fathers widow has sent my daughter a card and letter in the post. In the letter she urges my DD to keep the letter to herself and not show anyone - and then proceeds to basically tell my DD that her mother isn cruel and the lack of contact was her mothers fault. She wants her to write back so they can have some sort of relationship. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, but I suppose she's realised that I won't engage so she's decided to move onto my kids. Luckily my DD saw right through it, showed me the letter and put it straight in the bin. Why the hell does she still need to behave this way?

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PermanentTemporary · 25/07/2022 16:23

I think you can congratulate yourself in having brought up a dd who recognises what she is seeing and responds in a healthy way.

I'm really sorry she is still trying to get a reaction. Hope you can let it go again quickly.

saoirse31 · 26/07/2022 21:38

That's horrific op. Some people are just unbelievably cruel.

AgathaMystery · 26/07/2022 21:42

Hideous . thank god you have a sensible daughter.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 27/07/2022 12:05

Thank you for your replies - it really shocked me as I recognised her handwriting straight away on the envelope. It's the secrecy thing that bothers me the most I think - she should know that is completely inappropriate and entirely wrong to send a letter like that to a child. I asked her son back in February if I could have the boxes of photos of my family that my Dad has in their loft and she is dragging her heels about being able to sort things out so I imagine she's withholding them just to annoy me. I don't actually know what I could do to stop her behaving like this and to just move on.

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PacificFish · 06/08/2022 09:07

I have a similar story involving my sister…
I feel for you xxxx

PacificFish · 06/08/2022 09:11

Mine is a similar story of spite and lies.
when he died l, I went NC.
I told her that nothing she says or does has any impact on me now - she was the gatekeeper of my relationship with my dad for years.
She has given up now.
it’s bliss!!

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